Tag: fibromyalgia

Between a rock and a hard place

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headache back pain comicSometimes you have to make a choice.  You are at a dead end or maybe lost.  Perhaps what worked in the past will no longer suffice.  Or perhaps you are facing the most difficult reason:  an external force requires you to act immediately.  Regardless, the process goes more gently when covered in prayer to the One who sees you and your situation, cares for you, knows your heart and heartache, and has a plan an purpose for your life.  That plan and purpose includes the crossroads in which you find yourself.  Stepping forward into the arms of the loving and perfect Father through a relationship with His son, Jesus Christ, will carry you through the decision every time.  He already knows, sees . . .

Gratefully I don’t have to stress very long these days before I’m at the throne of grace with my alms of concern.  I understand that it blesses the Lord to come before Him with all things big and small; such a mystery of His amazing grace.  This week had them both for me.

Big decision:  sell the Beam Ray/Rife machine in which Steve and I invested so much hope and resources just 1-1/2 years ago.  It’s not working for me and I cannot tolerate most of the frequencies anymore.  Time to let it go and move on.

Small decision:  relinquish my cheaper cell phone with a slider keyboard for a smartphone.  We will benefit from having it on the road when travelling and it will expand my online business possibilities.  Time to let go and move forward.

Big decision:  place active Lyme and mold treatments on hold to eradicate a serious systemic yeast infection.  This requires risking more noxious events to kill the fungus that is hurting me and may even be contributing to the seizure attacks, etc.  I seek wisdom in the timing of all of this with the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  Alas, it is time to let go of the time table and move ahead carefully.

Small decision:  discontinue the IV magnesium treatments at number 28 because the symptomatic “cost-benefit analysis” don’t compute anymore.  Sometimes you simply have to choose.

Medium decision:  sold my (beginning) surf ski kayak called a Stellar SR.  This one brought tears.  This illness has challenged my fitness and balance skills making the mastery of paddling this specialty kayak quite difficult.  Steve just sold a kayak as well so we likely will invest in a solo outrigger canoe and share it.  These are awesomely cool, fast paddling boats that just might work with either kayak or canoe paddles.  Yeah but I let go of the SR before ever mastering it.  I got sick after paddling it October 11, 2011:  my third time on the water with it.  Seeing it go on a rainy afternoon was a gray reminder of the past 2 years of illness and brought up feelings of failure.  Sish, maybe this was a bigger decision than I thought.  The tears are making it hard to see the computer screen right now . . .

I think tomorrow will be a retreat day.  Steve and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary and perhaps something simple will be nice this time.  One of the best decisions of my life was to move out of State to marry Steve 6 years ago.  Ahhh my intended beloved.  How the Lord has blessed me with a man after His own heart as you!  However we choose to spend our time together, I am sure that it will be wonderful.

O.k. so I just went from tears to blushing.  Allow me to send you off with a prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing and hearing the hearts of Your children each day.  Help us to reach for the shadow of Your wings to carry us when we cannot stand, to shelter us when we must wait on your Divine hand in our lives, to lift us when it is time to step out in faith once again.  If it is Your will I ask for healing for me from this complicated mix of illness and for the Gentle Reader finding you this day whilst reading this blog.  Cover us with Your healing grace and merciful love.  Guide us in our decisions for your glory Lord.  And help us to keep our eyes fixed on You, waiting with great expectation for Your Providence to unfold.  I love you Lord.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

For the Downtrodden

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Having a bad day?

Let the words of the Lord wash over you and see where you land after that.  Just took me to a better place.  How ’bout you?

Psalm 107 (NIV)

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

2 Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, 3 those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.

4 Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. 5 They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. 6 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 7 He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. 8 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 9 for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

10 Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, 11 because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. 12 So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. 13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. 15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, 16 for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. 18 They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. 19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 20 He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. 21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. 22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

23 Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. 24 They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep. 25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. 26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. 27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits’ end. 28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. 29 He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. 30 They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. 31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. 32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

33 He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground, 34 and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there. 35 He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; 36 there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle. 37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; 38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish.

39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled by oppression, calamity and sorrow; 40 he who pours contempt on nobles made them wander in a trackless waste. 41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction and increased their families like flocks. 42 The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths.

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.

Giving Thanks

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be gratefulThanksgiving is just around the corner in the United States:  Thursday, November 28th.  I’m getting into the mindset a little early this year, to help keep my mind and heart in the right place.  What better place to learn about gratitude than from The Word itself.  Reflect along with me, won’t you?

1 Thessalonians 5:18

New King James Version (NKJV)

18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Colossians 3:16

New International Version (NIV)

16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Psalm 106:1

New International Version (NIV)

1 Praise the Lord.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Corinthians 15:57

New International Version (NIV)

57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

New International Version (NIV)

18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Revelation 11:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

17“We give You thanks, O Lord God Almighty, The One who is and who was and who is to come,

Because You have taken Your great power and reigned.

1 Chronicles 29:13

New King James Version (NKJV)

13 “Now therefore, our God, We thank You And praise Your glorious name.

2 Corinthians 4:15

New King James Version (NKJV)

15 For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Philippians 4:6

New King James Version (NKJV)

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

Colossians 3:17

New King James Version (NKJV)

17 And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

1 Chronicles 29:13

New International Version (NIV)

13 Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name.

And from me to you, Gentle Reader:

Philippians 1:3

New International Version (NIV)

3 I thank my God every time I remember you.

grateful for

On the edge

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It’s like a weather forecast.  You see the clouds rolling in as the sky darkens.  You hear the gurgle of thunder off in the distance, knowing that before long the sky will open with a whoosh of driving rain.  It might be your bones, it might be your joints, but whatever it is you know that a lightening storm is not too far off joining the cacophony of bodily mayhem.  If you are trying to sleep, well it’s pretty darn likely that ain’t going to happen for awhile!

But what if it isn’t raining?  Sure it’s dark outside and you can’t see the stars.  Perhaps it’s just the dreary November cloud cover characteristic of the Midwestern sky this time of year in the United States.  Late Fall brings down the leaves, brings in the cold, and brings on the physical anomalies.  And for me, it’s a near constant state of a symptom matrix that confuses even the best doctors around.  Perhaps it’s a little Fibro thing?  Arthritis?  Health begins in the gut you know so it’s gotta be IBS, no?  Or maybe it’s Chronic Fatigue?  Surely there’s something hormonal going on or maybe it’s the dreaded Late Stage Lyme disease saga.  Then again, Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome is the term in vogue these days for those exposed to mold and don’t fit the typical medical profile.  Yeah, it’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m sitting here in a 71-degree home with 3 layers of clothing on wondering where I can find some fingertip-less gloves . . .

I’m on the edge.  You could probably illuminate a lamp of low wattage with the excess electrical activity emanating from my fried central nervous system.  Last night there was a “fireworks” show of seizure attacks that defied definition.  Was it the K2D3 supplement trial or the exposure to questionable “energy sources”  from a new manual therapy practitioner?  All I know is that my husband sure did not get much sleep last night!  Yes, I got up this morning and helped him prepare his dish-to-pass for a United States Canoe Association meeting and awards celebration today.  Poor guy, driving 4  hours round trip, leading the meeting, then paddling in the cool lake waters on 4 hours of sleep.  I sure hope he gets a long nap tomorrow before going back to work on Monday . . .

Hey, this is a venting blog tonight and I got a bad case of things at the moment!  Where to go from here?  Purge some gratitude through this neck headache and get over it so I can get some sleep as well.  Here we go:

So grateful for the opportunity to get some extra sleep after Steve left, clearing my day with no additional obligations until nightfall.

I am grateful for a bit more energy that allowed me to complete the Winter clean-up of our backyard and even prepare a small garden bed with the neighbor girls as a surprise for their mom.

Glad also for the yummy dinner of pan fried cod and chef salad with my latest health drink that actually tastes good:  unsweetened vanilla almond milk blended with organic carrots!

Oh Lord, thank you for the sweet time with my Stevers this evening watching a captivating DVD of some young missionaries and their wild adventures in the Far East.  Oh to trust You in a moment by moment basis with faith and enthusiasm too!

Yes, Lord you are so good to me.  Thank you for my loyal puppy who keeps me company all of these days when I am home alone recovering from illness.  I said to Steve this evening that not being able to work has brought me more into a traditional role of a woman in our marriage:  a Biblical role as helpmate.  If we had children together then my life might be about raising them or caring for our grandchildren.  That is not our story.  Things are simpler than that:  my role is to be the helpmate for my beloved while I also take the steps needed to recover from illness.  My Heavenly Husband has provided the time and space for this transformation to occur.  No career pursuits needed this time.  This is my calling.

Sounds like a topic for another blog!  To find one’s calling is a treasure some folks never find.  I am grateful to feel and know that I am exactly in the center of the Lord’s will for my life even if it’s on the edge at times.  Gentle Reader if you are feeling on the edge, I invite you to dangle there just a bit, reflect there long enough to discover if maybe there is a greater purpose for being there?  Try a gratitude list as you evaluate things and see if you come up with something good as I have done here.  The process of doing so is like banking on the promise The Word gives us in Romans 8:

28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Thanks once again for listening.  Take care and goodnight, JJbedbugs

Spring and Fall

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DSCF8784My body will tell you tonight:  it’s quite an accomplishment to finish our Spring and Fall yard clean up projects all within 24 hours!  Whaaat?  Such is life these days.  All completed just in time for the long soaking rain storm outside my window as Winter approaches . . . the maiden tulip bulbs are going to be real happy in their new home!

I am exceedingly grateful to be functioning somewhat better despite the ongoing noxious episodes that occur most days.  Then there were two noxious-free “holidays” within the past four days.  THIS IS HUGE GUYS AND GALS!  I haven’t had more than a one-day break per week since living in the hotel at the beginning of the year when we were remediating our home for mold.  Looks like the IV magnesium treatments (counted #20 today) and sugar/sweetener-free cholestyramine are beginning to work a wonder inside of me.  I am grateful and humbled.

Despite all of this good news for some reason I needed to cry a bit today.  This year has been especially traumatic.  When I’m in one of those hour-long to several-hour-long episodes my ability to think and reflect is gone.  My mind is blank.  No processing occurs of what is happening to me.  I have heard patients with dementia describe his or her mind this way.  There just aren’t any thoughts.  Gratefully I do not have dementia.  I often wonder, however, if there will be synaptic damage from the almost 2 years of seizure attacks.  Then again, maybe the neurons just needed a little Spring cleaning, resetting, and the like.  Anyways, I believe that to grieve the loss of my health is, well, healthy.  Perhaps it will pave a comprehensive path to healing?

The end of Psalm 139 reads:

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have heard an application of this passage that it can describe the need to reflect upon and grieve a past trauma as part of a God-honoring healing process.  The Lord knows me and my circumstances in addition to the outcome.  By opening my mind and heart to His merciful grace under the shadow of His wings, I will find rest.   I have prayed many times to “get” the purpose of all of this suffering and wondered if I was “there yet.”  I asked my husband Steve, my God-honoring spiritual leader, if he thought there was anything I was not seeing.  Was there some sin or character flaw that required repentance?  Steve was gracious when asked these questions.  We both saw the little lessons and unexpected blessings that were the “silver lining” to this illness.  We have not become embittered.  We have drawn even closer together and to Christ.  Whew.  Thankfully.

Blogging started as online journaling and has become so much more. I do hope that my writing will be used for God’s glory and point people who are going through serious trials, to the person of Jesus Christ.   To the Gentle Reader out there, you have also helped me find a plan and a purpose for this time in my life.  The process has become as meaningful as the lessons learned.  One lesson learned yesterday:  don’t leave a wheelbarrow full of mulch out in the yard!  Put it under the covered porch.  Six times it got rained on and rained in.  Geez that was one heavy wheelbarrow!

A little humor helps fer shur.  And my Stevers is a great model of the value of silliness in the middle of the crap-o-la-ski.  (You were missing my Polish, I know, so here ya go!)  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  Wish I could hug ya, eh?  :J