biotoxin illness – Page 6 – Jesus is for the Wounded

A Call to Build

Published on April 22, 2014April 22, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

The prophet Haggai in the Old Testament had to remind the nation of Israel that the current day was as good as any to rebuild the temple of the Lord. They were preoccupied with the day-to-day events of their lives, much like we have with some variations. These days we have Twitter updates flashing or beeping us the latest trivial matters we used to not care about to the stress of keeping up with the accelerating pace of life. It takes more effort than ever to SLOOOOOW DOWN and smell the roses.

Ooops! Did I fertilize them with Rose tone when I cut them down on Saturday? Shoot. I better fertilize the William Battin climbers now because they are growing and wait to feed the Knock Out rose bushes since they are still dormant . . . And off I go again . . .

When Pastor Paul Mowery preached on the book of Haggai recently he asked the congregation a question about the things we once promised the Lord. What did I feel led to do as a young Christian or during a time of spiritual growth that I am not doing today? What happened? Was the inspiration transformed into another purpose or forgotten altogether? Hmmmm. Even when facing times of crisis this is a question that benefits from our reflection. If all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28) then it is possible to further our ministry purpose even in fast-paced or challenging times. And for most of us, these are challenging, fast-paced times!

Some of you know that my brother (Michael) had a stoke 9 days ago. Today Mike will be transferred from an acute cardiac/telemetry floor in a hospital to the rehabilitation unit. We are encouraged by this news! This means that he is stable enough to tolerate up to 3 hours of physical, occupational, and speech therapy per day in addition to having his funding issues largely resolved. (He does not have health insurance and is applying for the Medicaid Extension Program.) Mike continues on a “pureed diet” and “thickened liquids” (aka Pepsi!) with one-to-one feeding for swallowing safety. He has not moved his left arm or leg yet since the onset of the stroke one week ago. While his speech slowly improves, I understand that his mental status varies in the finer points of reality orientation testing. This has delayed the filing of his Power of Attorney for Healthcare status needed in case of an adverse event. And lastly, there’s a decision pending of whether or not he will have surgery to place stents in his carotid arteries: with high blood pressure, the occlusions were the cause of the right CVA. All-in-all, Mike is embarking on the next leg of a long journey of recovery; we are grateful that that next step is beginning today.

One of the most significant events from my visit to see him last Tuesday was his statement through garbled speech, “I need Jesus.” When he said that I was speechless myself. I was still responding to the horror of seeing my brother so severely disabled as he lain in bed with his waxy bed rest complexion, sunken left side of his face, catheter-and-wires attached to his skinny frame, and lifeless look in his eyes. I had to dash into the hallway as my eyes flooded with tears! The night before we travelled out of State to see him had been a nightmare anticipating that moment as it triggered residual grieving from the loss of my last grandparent, parents, and youngest brother over the previous 11 years. So the the next day in the midst of my own emotions, my dear brother reminded me of what was most important. Yes, “I need Jesus too.”

What Jesus has for Mike will of course be different from what He has for me. Our health challenges are different yet both bring significant physical weaknesses. The seizure attack episodes have increased to over 4 hours per day now with the worst ones occurring after waking up in the morning and after dark in the evening. I can do nothing but lie in bed and ride them out. I no longer can tolerate the high CBD hemp oil that gave me relief last month. It doesn’t work anymore anyways. Another medical doctor has set me adrift after only 2 months of working with him! Gratefully there is a Dr. in his practice (a biotoxin expert) with whom I am scheduled to follow-up with next week. Gratefully I have already completed the preliminary lab work she requires. In the meantime I have about 6 hours each day where I can function at a reduced level. And now in the face of my brother’s devastating stroke, I see how very fortunate I am. I am optimistic for a full recovery from the biotoxin illness that I once thought was Lyme disease. Sometimes it takes 2 1/2 years to find the answers for which we seek, and for which the Lord may bring. It takes what it takes as I wait on the Lord. And in the meantime I have built a firm foundation in trusting Him through what ever may come. I didn’t say it was a perfect one! It is solid in Jesus Christ and His Word.

Mike is yet at the beginning of building his foundation. Indeed he will need Jesus to do the tasks ahead of him both for his own recovery and to be a wise steward of the love relationships in his life: that with his fiancé (Lisa) and Lisa’s son (Alex). Gilbert the dog should be fine. 🙂 I am sad that his journey looks insurmountable in the beginning. The obstacles appear tremendous in the humble opinion of an occupational therapist on a medical leave. All of my training is rushing forth wondering about the potential for new complications and very real permanent disability. I am going to need help lying all of that before the Great Physician for His wondrous omnipotence and care. With Jesus, all things are possible and Mike’s illness will not be wasted. Mike has professed faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. The Lord will meet him on his bed of sickness and redeem it for His glory. In that we can be sure. (Psalm 41:3)

The call to build can be a frightful one in our own strength. I submit to you that we cannot build anything of lasting value in our own strength. The outward man and the trappings of the stuff of his life will fade away in due time. Only things rendered unto the Lord and completed with His leading will last. Yes, Mike’s call to rebuild his body begins today with a transfer to the rehabilitation floor of the hospital. My own call to rebuild comes with revisiting the biotoxin protocol I discovered over 2 years ago. He and I are like every one of us who faces the question of what will consume our time, energy, and talents in the next 18 waking hours let alone the rest of our lives. So what will we do with our discretionary resources? How much discretionary resource does each one of us really have? And are we spending it for what will last or for what is, in the end, meaningless dust in the wind?

As for me, I know that I am called to write about my experiences within the context of the will of the Father in my life. Writing poetry was my outlet ten years ago when I could hardly write a complete sentence due to my emotional pain. Today I leave you with the words of the second wisest man (King Solomon) to ever live after Jesus Christ. I left these words in Mike’s room in scripted on a tiny plaque that encouraged me so long ago when faced with the task of rebuilding my life. May they encourage you too, Gentle Reader. Let us both begin to gather ourselves that which is needed to build something of lasting significance, beginning today.

Easter Then and Now

Published on April 18, 2014April 18, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Psalm 130

A song of ascents.

¹Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
²    Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
    to my cry for mercy.

³If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
    Lord, who could stand?
⁴But with you there is forgiveness,
    so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

⁵I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
⁶I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning.

⁷Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
    for with the Lord is unfailing love
    and with him is full redemption.
⁸He himself will redeem Israel
    from all their sins.

Indeed He did redeem the nation of Israel as well as those of us adopted as sons, daughters into the nation of Israel.  When we stress about the sufferings of our days we can remember that the Lord is with us, redeems us, and will come again in glory for us all because of what happened one Easter morning long ago . . . .
These words encourage me during the most wretched of nights, which come every night.  These words encourage me as I witness the life that has drained out of my brother’s body since his stroke this past weekend.  These words encourage me as I ponder all of the loss and heartache during my half-century on this earth.  These words encourage me as I see His grace and mercy in the loving eyes, the comforting touch of my intended beloved who loves me so.  These Words are the Living God made real in my heart;  transcending this life and drawing me to my life everlasting with my Savior.  Because of Him I can see the blessings around me which hint at the life, the hope beyond.
No matter where you are or what life is handing you, Gentle Reader, be assured that His love extends to you too.  Easter Sunday is a celebration of the Lord’s perfect love.  He came from the utopia that is heaven to live as a pauper, suffer a tortuous death, and returned in glory when no one was expecting it.  We would not and can not do what He did for us.  And as we believe in the living sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ, we are redeemed.  Sorrow is replaced with joy from deep within our hearts.  All things are made new.  While my “outer man” is wasting away, my spirit is renewed day by day and will continue forevermore.
I look forward to the part of this journey beyond this life.  In the meantime it is my honor to say to you:  Happy Easter Gentle Reader.  With love, Just Julie

It’s all I can do

Published on April 15, 2014April 15, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Focusing on breathing today. It’s all I can do. The stress level is high as Steve and I anticipate travelling out of State to see my brother tomorrow. Gratefully I report that it appears he is stabilizing after having had a severe stroke this past weekend. My own struggles with illness and daily seizure-like episodes continues. A new treatment for me didn’t pan out too well, increasing the severity of the post-treatment episode. Oh well. The Lord goes before me and all of us as we call upon His mighty name: Abba Father!

Lord I need you now.

We got this. Philippians 4:13

I submit Mike's left-sided weakness to the Lord who strengthens us all. — I submit Mike’s left-sided weakness to the Lord who strengthens us all.

Father Save Me From This Hour

Published on April 3, 2014April 3, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Such was the cry of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ as He prepared to die a tortuous death on the cross at Calvary: before His glorious resurrection and what we have come to celebrate as Easter.

The sins of the world hung in the balance that day, separating us from the love of the Father in heaven. Until the time of Christ a Jew was required to bring sacrifices to atone for his or her sins and that of the family. Bringing sacrifices, keeping the Sabbath, and a plethora of Jewish holidays dominated religious life. These rituals and following the rule of law (including the Ten Commandments) was the only way to get to heaven before the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Then God’s Word teaches us that He came to save the world if we but repented and believed in His saving grace, His death and resurrection. He became the Passover lamb that was slain. Gifts of eternal life, indwelling of the Holy Spirit, spiritual gifts, fellowship with other believers and more follows for those who come forward. But it’s not all rosy living the Christian walk . . .

Yes, there is much good in the world, much happiness in this life. And then there is the bad stuff too. The reason for the bad stuff is an important topic yet it goes in another direction than my discussion today. Let’s just say that evil is here and it will always be here until Jesus Christ comes again. When bad stuff happens, someone suffers. Our Lord knew what suffering felt like as He was ridiculed, whipped within inches of His life, and sentenced to a horrific death for something he did not do. He came into the world willingly from the eternal realm out of love for us. Conversely, we rarely come to our suffering in the world willingly. Our suffering comes as a consequence of living in a fallen, imperfect world as sinners. Further, our suffering isn’t always fair. Sometimes it comes when we are close to God, working hard, doing good, loving others, and making the most out of our finite lives. Many times it just doesn’t make sense.

I just finished listening to a gentle message by the late Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa entitled, “Prayer of a Troubled Heart.” Pastor Smith developed this topic better than I can so I would encourage you to listen to the audio sermon if the subject is on your mind these days. I was comforted by his instruction that our suffering can be God working out eternal purposes in our earthly lives for our eternal glory. If we could somehow change God’s plan for our lives we would be obstructing God’s eternal purposes. “Even from the pain and suffering, eternal good is going to come.” We can point to the life of the apostle Paul who endured physical infirmity and still carried or “deposited” the Gospel message to countless peoples throughout the known world of his time.

¹²That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.

¹³What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. ¹⁴Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. 2 Timothy 1

The apostle Paul encourages us to trust, to have faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ no matter what our “light and momentary” affliction might be. In light of all eternity, our time of illness is short indeed.

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4

Relying on the scriptures brings the power of God into our weary hearts and minds. We find stories of triumph over trials that encourage us. Hebrews 11 describes several pillars of faith, empowered by God to endure, overcome, and bring glory to God as they saw His plan unfolding before their eyes. Joseph was sold into slavery, imprisoned in a dungeon, mocked then ended up saving the nation of Israel from starvation as others recognized his Godly character and abilities. There are many more men and women from whose example we can learn as well.

Drawing from the scriptures Pastor Smith guides us first to pray about the things troubling our souls. Second, we are to “reason” that God really does love me and is wiser than I am. I am not to base my understanding of His love for me on my circumstances but on who He is. The events of my life work out His eternal purposes for both me and those around me according to His Divine plans for good, for His glory. And third, I am to commit myself unto the will of the Father knowing that:

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This is difficult to do! If it’s too difficult then I must first ask myself: in whose strength am I trying to get through the suffering? Do I keep asking the Lord to do this or that for me versus asking Him to help me? Reveal His will for me? Encourage me with His grace? Strengthen me to endure? Submit to His will knowing that His good is coming? I must put on my eternal glasses even if I cannot see anything beyond my situation. I need to ask Him to increase my faith and He will do it!

This insight came together after another and extremely wretched evening. Only once before have I completely collapsed without warning at the kitchen table requiring my husband to catch me from falling. Moments after he carried me to bed I cried the most guttural tears of my entire life. The most violent convulsions I have ever experienced followed. Steve prayed then cried too. It seemed to me like I was “weeping and gnashing (my) teeth” as the Bible describes for those in hell. It took a long time to recover. I still do not know why all this suffering is here for me and Steve. I do know how I am to handle it, however. That insight came earlier in the evening.

Unfortunately I never was able to join the home group discussion in my own home tonight. After welcoming our brothers and sisters in Christ and setting aside the goodies they brought for later, I attempted to walk to my seat in the living room. I was aware that my speech had become strained already. Then all of a sudden I felt sick: the pre-tic set of symptoms ramped up quickly indicating that what was coming next would not be good. I whispered into Steve’s ear from behind where he was sitting on the sectional that I wasn’t feeling well and scooted off to our bedroom. As my head was hitting the pillow the seizure attacks began! They were bad. They persisted with vocalizations that risked alarming our guests down the hall. Soon I heard a guitar playing and people singing. The worship had begun and the sounds would cover my episode. Thank you Lord.

I had hoped that the music would also quiet my tender frame in torment. Not so. The episode quieted into tic attacks and I was able to breathe more easily. In my spirit I cried out to the Lord to stop the episode. I feared many scenarios that could happen next in which others would end up horrified, witnessing some aspect of the seizures. Our master bathroom toilet was out of commission for repairs requiring all of us to use the bathroom in the hallway between where I was in bed and the living room. If I collapsed and was unable to walk, Steve would have to physically assist me to the bathroom partially in view of where everyone was sitting. I would first need to scream to alert him beyond the closed Master bedroom door. Nothing would be pleasant about the fact that I really needed to use the bathroom down the hall from me . . .

It’s as if the Lord was sitting right next to me in that bed at that moment. It’s as if I could see the slight scowl on His face as He “looked” me directly in the eye and wondered why I was telling Him what to do again. Had He not been with me in prior episodes? Had He not used this illness to reach thousands of people around the world with the Gospel through this blog? Had He not gifted me to write and create in ways that brought joy to my heart even in the middle of the night? Had He not provided for both Steve’s and my needs these past 2 1/2 years? Helped me become an Advanced Master Gardener? Strengthened Steve to win his first national kayaking award? Yes, He had worked in both of our lives incredibly despite the extreme suffering.

No one in their right mind wants to suffer. I don’t like this wretched illness and long for it to be over. Yet if I miss the teaching moments that come along the way then this suffering will be no more than an endurance race with no prize, no glory, no hope, no real encouragement for others who will come after me. The lesson I needed to learn this evening was to simply ask for the Lord’s HELP and let HIM do the rest. He knows why this episode was timed during the heart of our home group meeting and I do not. I need to trust Him on this one as I have during so many times of need in the past. His answers, His timing, His purposes have encouraged me more times than I can describe here in addition to numerous other people watching the events unfold. As Pastor Smith describes in his message: I do not want to obstruct God’s eternal purposes that will be for my good and His glory!

I must persevere in faith no matter what the cost. He will strengthen my faith. I must ask my Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ for help then wait on His leading, His answers. Jesus Christ did this very act of submission before the Father when Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane knowing that His torture and death were imminent:

⁴²He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” Matthew 26

The God of the universe, living among us as a man yet fully God, submitted to the will of the Father, the purpose for which He was born into the world. He cried out for the Father to save him from that hour in crisis, for help. Most importantly He then submitted to the will of the Father and the world changed forever because of it. I will live a life eternally with my Jesus because He died on that cross for me. My time of suffering is not too much to bear with His help to live the life to which I am called. Sure it feels like hell. My faith transcends my broken frame and will bring an eternal reward that goes beyond my temporary affliction. With this I can go on.

What say you, Gentle Reader? He loves you too you know . . . Might you call on Him too? It just might rock your world in a good way. No kidding.

Flowers for Algernon?

Published on March 22, 2014September 24, 2022 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Another temporary setback in my health tonight ended by a couple of drops of tea tree oil masking the noxious scent of perfume. I don’t do perfume very well and am grateful for this suggestion of a friend familiar with essential oils. Thank you Lord for Cindy and tea tree oil!

Sigh. How am I supposed to be around people when the scent of any products they might wear with fragrances can trigger seizures? I feel like a prisoner in my own home. If I linger away from my cocoon then I am at risk. And if a guest visits our home not wearing perfume but carrying a coat or wearing clothing scented from another day, BINGO. I get sick.

I endured three major setbacks including last night and three other times this past week. Setbacks that is, from significant improvements that came from taking high CBD hemp oil. I was enjoying some sweet moments of near-normalcy! At least the overall episodes are shorter. I guess there is something else going on that is preventing the treatment from holding . . . .

Is it diet? How can it be when consuming a strict Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? Could it be methylation or residual biotoxin illness issues? Perhaps and I’ll be pursuing these at a new clinic next week. Is neuro-Lyme the culprit after all and I need to get back into antibiotic therapy? The Rife machine made me worse. I’m not so sure about Lyme disease anymore as my genetic markers are more significant for mold illness than Lyme disease. Still: who knows?

In the 1966 novel Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes portrays a mentally disabled man who gains intelligence after being selected for an experimental brain surgery. The surgery was shown to be successful in a laboratory rat whose intelligence increases 3x after the procedure. Charlie, the main character, undergoes the procedure himself as the story follows him from his menial janitorial position to falling in love with one of the teachers at the school in which he works. Charlie quits his job about the time that the rat begins to decline. The improvements did not last. Charlie buries his little friend in a cheese box in the backyard near the close of the story.

I worked on the set of the stage play of Flowers for Algernon at my high school. The sorrow of the scene pictured above when played out even by a wiry teenager was very emotional for all of us backstage. I will never forget it. For me it represented finding hope then moving forward in life with new skills and possibilities. My life was already very painful at age 15. The story touched my heart as we brought it to life for our peers and parents. My tears had no where to go as I stood in the dark backstage, waiting to bring out props for the next scene. When I got home the lockdown continued in the chaotic and unsafe environment of my childhood. My sorrow was locked away for many years. After much healing and decades of living, the Lord brought back this particular story to mind recently with the frustration of the illness that I am enduring: I came upon a reason to have hope from seizures only to have that hope dashed against the wall. Again. It feels like death.

Sadness fills my eyes. Of course I want to be well. Every time I grasp for air, stabilize my neck for fear of my head breaking off, emit some guttural utterance from the forceful involuntary movements of every appendage in rotation or unison from a seizure attack I become very aware that I could die from them. I stare blankly into space or hold my eyes closed to keep the room from moving. Keeping my eyes open brings dizziness and nausea; keeping my eyes closed brings increased fear and a lost sense of time. While still awake I sometimes can talk. The words are strained and speaking (like trying to move) runs the risk of exacerbating the attacks further. If the episode goes on too long then neurological collapse follows. I either have to lie motionless until function returns or my beloved Steve transfers me out of bed and carries me to the bathroom or bed. This more severe level of seizure occurs late at night when he needs to be getting ready for bed to be able to work the next morning. It’s my private hell. It’s his private hell. It’s the private hell on earth that is our burden to endure at this time. (See my non-epileptic seizure video for more information.)

To see a loved one losing the battle over illness, over injury is one of life’s greatest sorrows. Even for a Christian, experiencing it yourself will challenge everything you know about grace, endurance, meaning, and more. Flowers for Algernon is a fictional tale about a rat and a man who found answers but those answers did not last. The story touches a cord deep within me. Oh to taste the goodness of life and have it taken away! I have searched for goodness for a long time. One of the great opportunities of this life is to seize the sweetness that abounds, hold it lightly as it shines for a time, then let it go gracefully when we must either move on or the script of our lives writes it off the page. It must be the Lord’s plan but why? Such answers often never come. Moving on can be the reward for grieving well. Then there’s the fruit of living with loss that is ongoing: when the disappointment never really goes away. This is when you really know who you are. This is when you really know Whose you are. Paradoxically speaking, it can be the time when you are truly ALIVE.

I am a child of the King held in the shadow of His wings, His loving arms just like I quoted yesterday in Psalm 139. This night I bring forth an invitation for my Lord to:

²³Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

My Lord sees me! Even so, this illness is one of my greatest mysteries from all of the events that have transpired in my life. In the past my Lord has graced me with seeing some good come from the evil, some divine plans that have emerged from the chaos through which the deepest desires of my heart have come true. I will hold onto His words that:

¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

At every turn, with each moment of sorrow I no longer ask:

⁷Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Indeed you have led me through it all. I can trust from Psalm 142 that:

³When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.

And as it reads in Psalm 100 we will all:

³Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

We will:

⁴Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ⁵For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Rest will come for you, Gentle Reader and me too as we read in Psalm 121 that: