Tag: suffering

Flowers for Algernon?

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Flowers for Algernon

Another temporary setback in my health tonight ended by a couple of drops of tea tree oil masking the noxious scent of perfume.  I don’t do perfume very well and am grateful for this suggestion of a friend familiar with essential oils.  Thank you Lord for Cindy and tea tree oil!

Sigh.  How am I supposed to be around people when the scent of any products they might wear with fragrances can trigger seizures?  I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  If I linger away from my cocoon then I am at risk.  And if a guest visits our home not wearing perfume but carrying a coat or wearing clothing scented from another day, BINGO.  I get sick.

I endured three major setbacks including last night and three other times this past week.  Setbacks that is, from significant improvements that came from taking high CBD hemp oil.  I was enjoying some sweet moments of near-normalcy!  At least the overall episodes are shorter.  I guess there is something else going on that is preventing the treatment from holding . . . .

Is it diet?  How can it be when consuming a strict Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet?  Could it be methylation or residual biotoxin illness issues?  Perhaps and I’ll be pursuing these at a new clinic next week.  Is neuro-Lyme the culprit after all and I need to get back into antibiotic therapy?  The Rife machine made me worse.  I’m not so sure about Lyme disease anymore as my genetic markers are more significant for mold illness than Lyme disease.  Still:  who knows?

In the 1966 novel Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes portrays a mentally disabled man who gains intelligence after being selected for an experimental brain surgery.  The surgery was shown to be successful in a laboratory rat whose intelligence increases 3x after the procedure.  Charlie, the main character, undergoes the procedure himself as the story follows him from his menial janitorial position to falling in love with one of the teachers at the school in which he works.  Charlie quits his job about the time that the rat begins to decline.  The improvements did not last.  Charlie buries his little friend in a cheese box in the backyard near the close of the story.

I worked on the set of the stage play of Flowers for Algernon at my high school.  The sorrow of the scene pictured above when played out even by a wiry teenager was very emotional for all of us backstage.  I will never forget it.  For me it represented finding hope then moving forward in life with new skills and possibilities.  My life was already very painful at age 15.  The story touched my heart as we brought it to life for our peers and parents.  My tears had no where to go as I stood in the dark backstage, waiting to bring out props for the next scene.  When I got home the lockdown continued in the chaotic and unsafe environment of my childhood.  My sorrow was locked away for many years.  After much healing and decades of living, the Lord brought back this particular story to mind recently with the frustration of the illness that I am enduring:  I came upon a reason to have hope from seizures only to have that hope dashed against the wall.  Again.  It feels like death.

Sadness fills my eyes.  Of course I want to be well.  Every time I grasp for air, stabilize my neck for fear of my head breaking off, emit some guttural utterance from the forceful involuntary movements of every appendage in rotation or unison from a seizure attack I become very aware that I could die from them.  I stare blankly into space or hold my eyes closed to keep the room from moving.  Keeping my eyes open brings dizziness and nausea; keeping my eyes closed brings increased fear and a lost sense of time.  While still awake I sometimes can talk.  The words are strained and speaking (like trying to move) runs the risk of exacerbating the attacks further.  If the episode goes on too long then neurological collapse follows.  I either have to lie motionless until function returns or my beloved Steve transfers me out of bed and carries me to the bathroom or bed.  This more severe level of seizure occurs late at night when he needs to be getting ready for bed to be able to work the next morning.  It’s my private hell.  It’s his private hell.  It’s the private hell on earth that is our burden to endure at this time.  (See my non-epileptic seizure video for more information.)

To see a loved one losing the battle over illness, over injury is one of life’s greatest sorrows.  Even for a Christian, experiencing it yourself will challenge everything you know about grace, endurance, meaning, and more.  Flowers for Algernon is a fictional tale about a rat and a man who found answers but those answers did not last.  The story touches a cord deep within me.  Oh to taste the goodness of life and have it taken away!  I have searched for goodness for a long time.  One of the great opportunities of this life is to seize the sweetness that abounds, hold it lightly as it shines for a time, then let it go gracefully when we must either move on or the script of our lives writes it off the page.  It must be the Lord’s plan but why?  Such answers often never come.  Moving on can be the reward for grieving well.  Then there’s the fruit of living with loss that is ongoing:  when the disappointment never really goes away.  This is when you really know who you are.  This is when you really know Whose you are.  Paradoxically speaking, it can be the time when you are truly ALIVE.

I am a child of the King held in the shadow of His wings, His loving arms just like I quoted yesterday in Psalm 139.  This night I bring forth an invitation for my Lord to:

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

My Lord sees me!  Even so, this illness is one of my greatest mysteries from all of the events that have transpired in my life.  In the past my Lord has graced me with seeing some good come from the evil, some divine plans that have emerged from the chaos through which the deepest desires of my heart have come true.  I will hold onto His words that:

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

At every turn, with each moment of sorrow I no longer ask:

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Indeed you have led me through it all.  I can trust from Psalm 142 that:

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.

And as it reads in Psalm 100 we will all:

3 Know that the Lord is God.   It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

We will:

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Rest will come for you, Gentle Reader and me too as we read in Psalm 121 that:

5 The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

With that I bid you good night.  I’ll be fine.  Join me in trusting the Lord that you will be too, eh?

Industrial Hemp: Future Medicine and More

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Industrial hemp is the legal cousin to medical marijuana.  While legal in all 50 states, it has not been legal to grow in the United States for decades.  It has to be imported then processed into the products noted below.  Here’s a little summary of the possibilities:

Hemporium-The-Global-Benefits-of-HEMP-Tony-BuddenAs it turns out, the cannabinoid, CBD (cannibidiol), has tremendous health benefits for persons struggling with serious medical challenges.  Who knew that a plant grown with only trace amounts of THC (the compound that creates the high in marijuana, a different type of cannabis) could help so many?  This is not medical marijuana.  For the medically minded, here’s a Scientific Review of the literature on the medical benefits of cannibis including high CBD oil.  To continue the discussion, “Like” the “Seizure Free Zone” page on Facebook and let’s chat!

So why am I so fascinated by high CBD hemp oil?  Well just last night in the middle of a wretched flare up of seizure attacks (brought on by unknowing noxious fragrances of house guests) about 30 drops stopped the episode.  Since the exposure would not end until morning, my husband and I did the best we could to get me through the night when the tic attacks re-flared thereafter with less intensity.  In the past I would have endured a hellish night:  all night long with no relief.  While I would prefer to be cured with this substance, I know that it will not be that easy.  There are methylation and biotoxin illness issues yet to be resolved; gratefully I’ll be seeing some doctors in a new clinic to address them very soon.  Usually a new treatment creates convulsions for me.  That has not happened here.  Where would I be if I had nothing at all to arm myself in this battle?  More living hell indeed.

I am grateful to the Lord for any relief at this time.  The overall pattern of suffering is broken.  The Lord is at work even in this confusing situation.  To say more about that might sound like I know what the Lord is up to so I won’t because I’m not quite sure!  Faith in the promises of the Lord, Jesus Christ will sustain me.  Let’s just say this that I am reasonably at peace in this recent situation and am grateful for the endurance granted to get myself to the appointment on Monday!   Others have had life-changing experiences with new treatments such as CBD.  My prayer is that any of the episodes of my life not be wasted and if it is the Lord’s will, I will be healed.  Everything is usually not resolved overnight anyways . . . unless there is a miracle.

My miracle happened decades ago when I found hope in Jesus.  I would be dead in my sins today if He had not called me to his throne of grace.  That is more important than my health.  Perhaps, Gentle Reader, He can be of some importance to you too?  What good will it do to gain our health and lose the battle for our souls?  We won’t always be here battling the trials of living in a fallen world.  Someday we will die.  The Bible tells us that the decisions we made during our lifetimes will determine what will happen after our lives are over.  I’m holding out for the party in heaven, free of pain and suffering.  I can say that with confidence having believed the truths of Proverbs 3:5-6, John 3:16, and John 14:6.  This suffering is temporary.  I am not home yet.  When I am home, all suffering of every kind will be over.  Cool beans, man.

In the meantime I share a tool that may be of interest to you.  But make no mistake, nothing is more important than the eternal question.  If you stop with the first and never get to the second then this blog is of no value to you.  “Hope beyond” is about looking beyond what we can see to that in which we can believe without a shadow of doubt.  If you would like to have the confidence that your life is in the hands of the God whose thoughts of love and compassion towards you exceeds the grains of sand on the earth (Psalm 129:18), then I invite you to humble yourself and cry out to Him today.  He is waiting to hold your cares, your tears in the palm of His gentle hands  . . .

He’s Still on the Line

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hold you tight

Long after my beloved is asleep

Devastated by unanswered prayers and sorrows so deep

I lie awake my body tossing, trembling

Such are the storms of night:  unending.

From wherest does my help come from

When prayers bring no relief with each day’s sun?

The hopes are dashed, the relief doesn’t last

And the damage, the pain continues no less.

So many nights where nightmares became reality

So much suffering sends off all memories of normalcy.

People leave your life even when they like you

For fear, for powerlessness, for horror of what is your truth.

New sojourners may come only to wallow awhile with you

Should you happen to find a way out they will be long gone too.

Choose wisely your inner circle my friend

Make sure the Lord is closest-in when the nightmare ends.

He will never leave:  His love will fill the gaps

Where others must fail, supernatural strength is what lasts.

You can call Him near, like a salve to the wounds of war

Then peace will come . . . you can carry on from there, dear one.

Now here’s a love song that reminds me of these times with my beloved Steve:  he holds me close while the Lord is still “on the line,” listening to our hearts and holding both of us near to His own.   From a simpler time:

Still on the Line

Time for a change

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

From Family Practice Physician to Lyme Literate Medical Doctor, from Chiropractor to Obgyn, our medical doctor tries to do it all.  I have benefitted from his expertise yet I am still not well.  And when I saw the redness and exhaustion in his eyes during my appointment this evening I realized that he is not well either!

Everyone who sees this gifted physician knows his crazy schedule, his dedication to help everyone in his care, and his history of nearly dying a couple of years ago with his own debilitating illness.  We used to hear how his office conversion to the government mandated computer system was responsible for incredible stress and delays in appointment times.  For example, it was not unusual to call the office in the morning about an appointment scheduled for 10:00 a.m. and not be called in for my appointment until 4:00 p.m. or later.  Forget the ones scheduled after 3:30 p.m. as they were usually rescheduled.  For awhile about one-third of my appointments were re-scheduled, delaying receiving test results or reviewing the status of a particular medical condition for months.  Frustrating indeed.

Yet when there was an acute issue, the Doc was right on it.  When something new popped up I was sent to the hospital in another section of the medical park for labs or scans, held in the waiting room for results, and sometimes seen back in the office much later that night.  To be seen well into the evening was not an unusual occurrence.  My record was an appointment that started at 2:30 a.m.!  He had one more patient after me and had just received notice that one of his pregnant patients was going into labor.  He must have never gone home that night or morning!  Dedication had become insanity.  We talked about it during that visit.  He agreed.  I understand that some scheduling and office procedure changes were put in place for this new year.  As near as I can tell, the staff and Doc are ending their nights before midnight now.  Virtually the same story, different day.

I recently blogged about some important abnormal test results being misplaced for six months.  That has happened another time as well.  Tonight there was only enough time to go over about half of a detailed genetic cholesterol study.  He handed it to me and said, “here, you take this.”  Whaaat?  He thought the “high CBD hemp oil” that I reported was reducing the seizure attacks 40% was vitamins C, B, and D.  Er, no!  After correcting the computer’s voice recognition software two dozen times, I believe he understood what I was saying:  sitting there with my ventilation mask on to avoid seizure attacks from some mysterious exposure in the office.

Mysterious was the exposure until I asked one of the nurses about it.  I had asked before and a different nurse declined comment.  And yet tonight in her own fatigue, a long-time employee openly shared how their office has routine leaks in the ceiling throughout the summer.  The staff has complained about the musty smell and requested testing for mold spores.  Evidently the tests came back “negative.”  The nurses still battle sickness at work.  A friend of mine who is a patient there can detect the musty smell but I cannot.  I just get tic attacks sitting in the treatment room for 2 hours waiting for the Doc!  My worst episode lasted 2 1/2 hours NON-STOP began after midnight dominated by convulsions most of the time!  My husband came to pick me up around 4:00 a.m.!  I’m sure that exhaustion and stress were a factor being in the office so late that night but hey, I was sitting in a water damaged building to be seen by my doctor for mold illness!  Whaaaat?  Soon after that I started wearing a mask every visit!

I have learned so much from my brilliant Doctor.  He is a Christian man who really cares about his patients.  He has provided better care for me for six years here in this smaller Indiana town than I ever received in the large metropolitan area of Chicago.  When my health got significantly worse 2 1/2 years ago I hung in there with him, hopeful that we would find answers.  I was also unsuccessful finding another MD or clinic to address the intractable seizures, pain, etc.  Gratefully, the Lord has now led me to another clinic in Michigan with two physicians specializing in methylation issues and biotoxin (mold) illness, respectively.  After three phone consultations, extensive paperwork, and additional lab testing completed, my husband and I are preparing for my first in-person visit on March 24th.  We will stop at a lab near the clinic for additional blood work to better match Dr. Richie Shoemaker’s protocols for “Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome.”  My current MD and I have worked closely on Dr. Shoemaker’s protocol yet neither of us are officially trained; this led to using the wrong laboratories, incomplete test results when the samples were not processed correctly, and improper sequencing of the treatment plan.  Two very expensive medications from an out-of-state compounding pharmacy either did not work or made me much worse.  We tried!  The biotoxin illness Doc at the new clinic works closely with Dr. Shoemaker and is a Christian too.  I am encouraged.  Lyme disease is not the focus at the moment and that’s o.k.

So it’s time for a change.  I still have appointments on the books with my primary care physician as someone will need to monitor ongoing health issues not covered by the new clinic.  He has asked for copies of all of the testing and reports so I am happy to oblige.  With the Lord’s help I will continue tweaking the dose of high CBD hemp oil in hopes of reducing even further the seizure attacks and noxious symptoms that follow.  The Lord is guiding me step-by-step, including through the spiritual leadership of my beloved Steve.  I am so glad I heeded hubby’s advice and did not start seeing every expert who sounded good on the internet!  When moments are better for me, we celebrate and don’t think about the bad times.  We both see examples of how the Lord has used this season in our lives for His glory.  We are closer than ever, more in love than ever before and for that I am grateful.  I am closer to Christ than ever before as well knowing that He heard my truly desperate cries for help the night before I first started the CBD oil.  I was ready to die and it was not to be.  I was spared from further anguish and suffering, turning a corner to better things at last.

If you are suffering this day, this night:  do not give up!  There’s a blogger praying for you Gentle Reader.  More importantly the God Who created the universe knows your name, sees you, knows your pain, and gave his life so that one day your heartache would end.  Please draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  Everything will be worked together for good someday if you but call upon the Lord and let Him into your heart.  These statements are based upon His Word and promises that are true today and always.  The Great Physician will see you through, always my dear one.  Take care,  JJ

A Bridge Still has Value

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Recently a friend challenged me on my reading of a popular devotional by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (2004, Thomas Nelson Inc.)  Since I have referenced at least two of her daily devotions in this blog, I thought I should discuss the book here.  Here is my reply:

Jesus Calling

I re-read the Introduction to Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling plus a few devotionals, listened to Warren Smith’s presentation last year on You Tube about the book (July 24, 2013), and checked out Hank Haanagraf’s remarks from one of his Bible Answer Man broadcasts (November 16, 2012).  I see valid criticisms.  Sarah Young fails to put a clear focus on the sovereignty of God separate from us; by speaking in the first person she blurs the line.  Missing is mention of a clear path to salvation (and the gifts of eternal life in addition to true peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) that comes only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  She tends to bring God along with her instead of placing God as head of the body of Christ; this is often the sign of a carnal Christian or new believer.  The book also uses metaphors and popular analogies that are not necessarily Biblical to bring the reader into the perspective of how God might view our daily lives.  Her focus on these types of experiences can be problematic for many reasons including misleading a person who tends to be led by emotion instead of the immutable truth of the Word of God.  And lastly, the book does nothing to point a seeker to the Bible, a healthy well-balanced Christian church, fellowship with other believers, or educate him or her on the basic tenants of Christian faith.
If Jesus Calling were a Bible commentary, it would fail.  If Jesus Calling was intended as a tool for evangelism, it would fail.  If Jesus Calling was designed to be used by apologists to defend the faith, they would lose the debate.  While she quotes relevant verses with each devotional, her applications might not be universal to everyone (and Warren Smith knocks down many of them).  Perhaps she could be more accurate.  Perhaps she was taking a little extra literary license to illustrate the softer themes of life represented with verses that are more easily understood?
I am sad that a warm and friendly book that greases the seeker’s heart with a beginning understanding of the nature of God cannot also be more direct about essentials of the Christian faith too.  Perhaps a Max Lucado book would do better?  He uses poetry and prose with loving imagery to reach the broken hearted as well.  Maybe at some level both authors are similar?  You could say that their feel-good books distract a person from delving into the Bible yet they could also give another person a place to go when the Bible is just too intimidating.  A scholarly book (i.e. the Bible or a commentary) and a scathing review by a New Age fear-monger such as Warren Smith, will not comfort the heart of a person in crisis!
Sarah Young’s book could use some other improvements.  I don’t know why her testimony in the beginning does not include a salvation story per se.  Does this mean that she is not saved?  We just don’t know.  Again it is often literary license that an author uses more general terms of faith so as not to scare off wounded seekers that really need Him!  Jesus Calling may still be useful as an introduction to a more personal God for a lost soul who may have been hurt by religion or a skewed view of who He really is.  Seeing how God really does understand, cares about the details of one’s daily life, and is ever near is clear on these pages.  Reading this could help old wounds to heal.  Women often need this most.  Their minds will still need truth so the seeker should not end his or her search with Jesus Calling, however.  The book should have ended with an invitation to a closer relationship with God through His son, Jesus Christ and encourage the reader in his or her next steps as noted in my first paragraph.  It does not.
Is it New Agey?  The fact that Sarah does not go deeper into essential matters of Christian doctrine could make it look like just another feel good book about a generic God.  One might begin to pick apart themes in the devotionals and say that the God in Jesus Calling is not the God of the Bible.  And if the God in the book is not the God of the Bible then it must be about Satan or some New Age alternative that is neither one.  So the next step could be to claim that Jesus Calling is a New Age book because of this and because of its use of terms reflective of popular culture, the New Age movement.  Yes all of this could be true and indirectly move a seeker away from the One true God that he or she had hoped to find in an empty book.  Or maybe not.  I have more faith in the Lord’s plan for those who earnestly seek after Him.  He calls His own.  Her or she will find Him in a babbling brook if that is His will!
Many would criticize my own bridge to faith in Christ that was built through the 12 steps of Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics.  The daily devotional, One Day at a Time, is quite vanilla.  The God of the 12 Steps is generic albeit consistent with the basic tenants of a Christian faith from the Bible.  Tis sad that many stop at “recovery” and faith in a Higher Power in these meetings and never find the God of the Bible.  But the Lord had a plan for me from that feel-good experience and used those 9 years for His glory.  I would have never approached the throne of grace had I not healed from so much while sitting around the tables, held in the basement of many churches and not in the sanctuary.
I make two references to Jesus Calling in my eBook, Hope Beyond Lyme:  The First Year.  In the first I quote a nice encouragement Sarah Young gives about:  1) many of us seeing only a part or the “tip of the iceberg” when faced with confusing situations and 2) our needing to trust God for that which we cannot see or comprehend:  mysteries.  The second time I quote the book I name both Mrs. Young’s devotional along with a secular book of comedy as books with some wisdom but that both are second to the Bible.  I wonder if my friend misunderstood me:  Jesus Calling is not my second favorite book!   I read Jesus Calling over these past 2 years when I was in crisis every day and struggled to hold a heavy Bible let alone concentrate on it.  Because it comforted me I included it when writing the eBook.  I read my Bible most days anyways, of course!  The centrality of the Bible for me and for the eBook should be clear by the over twenty passages of scripture quoted and referenced.
No book is a replacement for the truth, hope, and eternal significance of the Holy Bible.  Today I am grateful to have a Bible App on my smart phone that I can easily hold in the palm of my hand in bed during trying times.  The Lord has opened my mind to more of His Word and the ability to concentrate on it too.  I am grateful for a temporary tool, a small devotional book, that the Lord used to comfort my heart until I could read His Word again.  I pray for spiritual armor to protect me and wisdom to discern any unsound doctrine that would harm my relationship to my King, my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I also pray that the millions of readers of Jesus Calling would continue to seek the Lord and find Him in the person of Jesus Christ alone.  Thank you Lord for my friend’s willingness to dialogue on this important topic.  May it all be for Your glory, in Jesus’ name.  Amen.