Holding on for the Win

As if losing 2 dogs within about 5 weeks time wasn’t hard enough

Our hearts just hurt with the passing of Elle then sudden adoption of Luna.

Only the Lord knows both the desires of my heart and my heartaches to date.

He has walked with me when lungs gasp for air, the body seizes, and screams erupt from within.

My beloved has seen it all as well, taken it in, stood by as best he could albeit weary from the road.

Then Steve pegged the improvements between dogs, setting me on a hunt for answers

I found them or so I think. It explains so much. Even my genetic testing confirms the link.

Will I really recover from the histamine intolerance and DAO deficiency that goes beyond allergy

And will these two culprits really be at the center of chronic illness for me?

Sadly, my first attempt to treat this above my exhaustive cleaning and decontamination

Created new issues as a supplement high in DAO is also high in iron, making me worse!

So back to the version recommended by my chiropractor I go, still overthinking this all

Just a day later the headaches, pain, seizing, irritability, nosebleeds, and more are coming down AGAIN.

What a nightmare this journey has been! Will I ever get to “The Station” as Dear Abby once shared?

If I get there will I recognize Just Julie or the shell of my former self? I digress once more.

Really I hope someone new comes forth from this suffering. Or perhaps she is already here?

For alas there is always purpose to our troubles, for those in Jesus Christ, who believe in His sovereignty.

No matter what happens, Gentle Reader, He holds it all tenderly in His strong hands. He does.

Choose to trust that there is something more for each of us in this life or beyond,

That’s where we all will win, you and me both. Honestly, what else ya got anyhoo?

JJ

Bouncing along a bumpy road

Home alone, the moment clarifies the mind

No distractions but the one in my tummy or bladder, alas step aside

The me that is Julie still wants for something more

Too much sorrow hath dimmed the light on this bumpy ride.

There is an up for every down, even ones ending in death

For to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

So how can I complain this side of heaven with so much goodness here

But have I weighted my health above all else, shrouding my view, my words?

Dragging along but making the hard choices needed to be made

Releases my beloved to pursue what makes him Steve one weekend —

Trusting that my Heavenly Husband will calm my fears, carry me through.

We shall have a truer assessment of my ability to live

When my Intended Beloved is not rushing to my crisis, again and again.

I still hate this illness. Oh Lord I know that You see

There’s so much more I want to do, to really be.

Feelings have led the train of my thoughts instead of faith

I must kick them to the caboose, the facts must reign.

How many blogs, how many lines of text

Must I spend before my heart

Rests not on my sleeve?

Sickness be damned.

I surrender to my Lord.

There is no other way forward.

In all things, Gentle Reader.

He must reign!

Yes, in all things.

This road near Palisades, Idaho yielded incredible views beyond

Walk softly in the moment

Said goodbye to a group I started on Facebook that grew to well over 3,000 people, my Co-Admin and I helping them with mercury toxicity as best as we can. My leave-taking occurred over a period of weeks and ended yesterday. It was time to free up some energy for other projects. Still, you have meant so much to me.

Experiencing fewer serious convulsive episodes lately after embarking on aggressive treatment for systemic Candida albicans plus flares of herpes simplex, and herpes zoster. The ramp up was very difficult yet, coupled with another treatment for a chronic MARCONs infection in my sinuses, it appears the body burden of infection is going down. Along with it there are at least 2 days every week for the past 5 weeks without convulsive episodes or tics! Only one severe episode every 5 days! Having more moments of relative freedom means so much to me after 9 years trapped in a prison cell with fear-of-episodes: avoiding triggers seemingly present in every aspect of living. Thousands of convulsive episodes nearly destroyed my health, my life. Now the the beatings have lifted some.

Simple changes in the timing of compounded hormone creams coupled with specific pharmaceutical grade supplements to help regulate cortisol levels took about a month to affect my sleep-wake cycle. This all came together rather casually when my Family Doctor reviewed the treatments of my Integrative Medicine Doctor. Both of them contributed to a significant change and so did I. I ventured out to find yet another recommended supplement and braved taking it when literally hundreds of treatments in the past have resulted in disaster. The Lord guided me in tweaking the dosing. And now most nights I sleep at least 5 hours during the normal time of night. This means so much to Steve and me.

A quagmire of new dental issues furthered my belief that not much in the medical realm is simple for me anymore. A simple cavity took a total of 4 dental visits to resolve, 2 with conscious sedation and all with considerable suffering, serious side effects. The latter included another flare-up of shingles! But now the insurance coverage for ongoing treatment of HHV1 and HHV3 is better and I am tolerating the dosing most of the time. So what if I have to soak the dye off of the tablet so it doesn’t cause a headache. I digress. PTL, He helped me figure it out. After my mouth fully heals and I can return to regular wearing of my specialized dental appliance, I should be stable once again. No more pureed or chopped food. To be stable means a lot to me.

The diagnosis of Occipital Neuralgia dovetailed multiple cranial nerve issues (vagus, trigeminal, glossopharygeal) that result in convulsive episodes. This discovery has led to new treatment strategies that work for me. No, it’s not fun to sleep with an ice wrap around my head at night but if it largely prevents a seizure attack episode falling asleep then I WILL DO IT! Nerve block injections tomorrow have the possibility of confirming this dynamic. It means so much to me to have tools to help my symptoms, to lessen my suffering. Very sparing use of new medications has rescued me on my worst days. Over the past 5 months, it only took a failed visit to the Cleveland Clinic and four visits to the professionals at a local pain management clinic that actually listen to me to figure it all out. At long last, I’ve got tools that work to lessen pain! Less pain means fewer convulsive episodes. Who knew?

The difference between my self esteem getting bruised from chronic illness and graciously seeing the Lord’s hand in delivering me from the hardest parts of chronic illness often lies in the hands of nurses at various medical facilities. They run these places. When a nurse actually delivers care and not just a procedure or worse yet ABUSE, I can endure much. The nurse who shamed me, blamed me for things things at the infusion clinic yesterday that were not my responsibility was out of line. I wept once they pulled the curtain to start my IV fluids. I left there in a weakened state albeit made worse with the needle-stick pain of the Huber needle coming out of the infusa-port in my chest wall. I sat in an outer lobby and cried again before emotionally limping as I left the building to come home. I really hate this stuff. I don’t want to be there. Insurance changes then other problems required me to return to a hospital setting instead of continuing in home health. You have to do what they tell you to do much of the time no matter what it means to you.

We have come into a time of year that means the most to me. It’s springtime. The temperature outside is in the 50s and it’s the same to me as a warm sunny day if I can get dirt underneath my fingernails in a garden. Less severe illness symptoms parts of days a couple of days per week means that I can push myself to do more than my basic self care. And so I have. No one needs to counsel or push me to get up and get moving. If I feel better, activity follows. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I’ve learned a lot but never “got anything” out of being sick. I hate and hated being sick but it happened anyways. The Lord has seen me through it all and is leading me into some new projects. These activities stretch me greatly and increase my pain level temporarily. They also increase my interaction with other people, strengthen my broken body, stimulate my mental capacity, and add value to our home and hopefully the lives of others too. By the grace of God I have earned the title of Extension Master Gardner. By the grace of God he has called me to serve others with these abilities so I have chosen to step out in faith by hosting some community gardening classes and even repairs in our own landscape. Sometimes I have to take things an hour at a time. Steve helps, thankfully! I actually get to check things off of my To Do list! Praise the Lord!

We have no idea what tomorrow will bring nor how long it will stick around. When it’s bad news we all go through a process of questioning: why me? why now? What am I supposed to do to get rid of this or perhaps worse yet, deal with this? I submit to you that the only Person to ask these questions to is the Author of life, the Lord, Jesus Christ. He is the beginning and the end, all that the heart seeks to be fulfilled despite living in a fallen, satanic world. He has a plan and a purpose for each of our lives. Every detail matters and is ordained in His crafting of our days, the days of the entire world and its people. You matter. I matter. And that worth does not change based upon our circumstances, thoughts, or other people. No one wearing a badge can take away your ordained purpose on this earth, on this side of the grave. Even if you die, your life will have made an impact somewhere to someone. And if you believe in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the Cross, you will live on in paradise where everything is perfect, well, good, and beautiful. Thankfully we get glimpses of heaven here on earth, especially in the garden where His fingerprints color the fauna around us.

One of the most compelling truths I have learned enduring serious illness for nearly a decade is to walk softly when considering the hardest questions of life. Nothing is wasted in a life surrendered to the Lord, a life redeemed by the Lord. Everything will be alright in due time. We can bear way more than we think we can. We pray for the Lord to help us when we cannot see or trust, when the pain is too great. He will bless us. And further there is always something for which to be grateful. Even during a pandemic. Even during tyrannical events in society. Even when our relationships or health or finances suffer a seemingly fatal blow. We are not dead yet! We are also never alone. If we but walk softly as we consider the days of our lives then in due time, our precious Savior will reveal Himself to us. The seizure of our spirits will not last forever, Gentle Reader. One day we will know what it means to be truly free. JJ

The Aftermath

When another healthcare faux pas takes the life out of my weary stride

It’s easy to give up or rather give in to a despair that never leaves.

Then a new day comes and I have a decision to make

Even if that day begins much later than planned.

I AM sad. No doubt legitimately so

From the treatment I received,

Or rather did not.

Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

It’s hard.

I’m only human and in my own strength I cannot do this over and over again.

Thank the Lord that you are with me on my bed of sickness every time

Weeping over the trials, the suffering of your child

Promising that one day all will be perfectly well.

I just gotta hang on, hang tough, and trust

‘Cause the journey won’t be wasted

The rewards will be the best ever

When I see my Jesus’ face

My wings flying free.

For all eternity.

Yes indeed!

Is it enough to have overcome the dearth of trials that pain us so in this life?

That’s a question only answered with faith that comes from our Lord.

Our own strength will never be enough. The days are just too evil

Acceleratingly so Gentle Reader. Do you see it too?

Waste no more time wondering just BELIEVE

Get into your Bible right now, go, run!

Our just God’s Word will ring true

On redemption, wondrous glory

As we take rest in His grace.

Today. Join me there.

It is enough and so

Very good too.

After all.

Another Healthcare Faux Pas

When I learned that there might be some pain relief for me if I went to a clinic that specifically focused on headaches, I was encouraged. I have some form of headache or migraine virtually every day. Pain lowers seizure threshold. Neurologists in this specialty have more strategies than typical anti-inflammatory and narcotic pain medications, over-the counter preparations, and the therapies we chronic folks go in and out of all the time, i.e. chiropractic care and physical therapy. I can rarely tolerate pain medication anymore and have used it sparingly my 30 years of chronic pain. Looked to me like there was something more to learn, some hope for a better quality of life, so I asked my Doctor for a referral to a headache clinic. What would I have to lose?

My dignity. Last Monday my dignity took a major hit at another major medical center. Here’s the raw footage from a message that I sent to a friend when I was still in shock.

Had a very odd, traumatic, and disappointing day at the headache clinic at the CC today. Gotta get this out. The MD Fellow with a couple months of experience listened to me, made a new HA diagnosis along with med ideas to try to manage them. This could raise the threshold for the convulsions, providing relief for both the episodes and HA pain. I have a HA every day and both HA and convulsions have been worse. Tweaked my diet recently and at least the HA came down enough to make the trip: 4 hours each way. The building was old and musty. It rained during half of each travel period. I had 2 hours of sleep Sunday night. I was ripe for an episode at some point; short tic attacks in the truck on the way out. Still was hopeful. The telehealth appts with the first 2 CC specialists 2 weeks paved the way for this appointment.

Then the young MD left to review my case with the staff MD; they both returned. We went in person so I could have a more comprehensive neuro exam. All the 2nd neurologist had me do was demo 5 simple range of motion exercises. A disastrous seizure attack ramped up within a minute! Thankfully I could blurt out to get Steve as she tried to coach me on breathing ex in a childlike way. I blurted out that I can’t breathe! She continued. I asked to lie down. The high velocity, repetitive, involuntary movements were injuring my neck n back. It’s terrifying and dangerous. SHE SAID NO! I could not believe my ears. Steve picked me up, my legs hanging, arms curled up, and put me on the exam table. I was able to get into my recovery position that protects my neck. Screams emerged that I cannot control. The pain seared my spine, head, extremities. Then they left. 4 times in this visit I asked to have the door closed (for privacy). 3x they said no so they could hear me if “anything happened.” Like what, I thought to myself. It was already happening. Steve stood nearby for my safety. I heard people walking by in the hallway. This is a HIPPA violation. (Correction: This actually violates their Patient Bill of Rights, posted on the CC website.)

Steve and I found ways to develop a plan. There were 3 violent episodes in total over an hour. The Med Asst came in once (as id’d by her voice, my eyes were pulled closed) and nurses after the 3rd round. I asked for the Doc. My tongue was thick and protruding out of my mouth, pulled to the right. My right arm dangled lifeless towards the floor; left arm curled and tucked in a flexion posture to my chest. This is mixed hemiparesis. But the young Doc had already left the building. The nurse said if it didn’t stop I was to go to the ER. How would I get there like that, I wondered, struggling to communicate and trying not to chew my tongue or trigger a rebound reaction. Finally I could ask Steve to turn out the lights. He put Prednisone in my mouth despite the snot and tears staining and stinging my face. I was able to ask for ice. Putting ice on the back of my neck broke the pain cycle worsening the episode. Like and overfilled balloon losing air, my body started to calm down. It took about 10 minutes.

The nice nurse had gotten a wheelchair. She figured I would be too tired to walk. I blurted out a thank you. I think she had left when I could tell Steve that I was WALKING OUT OF THERE under my own power. Any shred of dignity required it. I grieved so much on and off through this horror and trauma before I could finally sit up and stay up. Time to use the bathroom, wash my face, and get out of there. Soon I was gingerly walking out of there with all parts moving, albeit weakly. There was no one in the hallway. There was no one at their desk. We walked out into the dusk and rain.

Somehow during the first episode I was able to ask the young Doc to write down her recommendations for me. I’m glad I did. She hand wrote on my summary note only wrote 1 of 5 ideas she had for me. I was able to reconstruct the rest of it on our way home. The older Doc must have been the one to write a different, generic diagnosis. Only 1 recommendation was given and it was for a treatment program at CC that I already did at the Mayo Clinic. It made no lasting impact. Steve and I concurred that the older neurologist was of no benefit. He has seen this discounting behavior before. He said it’s why he jumped in to help me while the Doc did some chanting thing.

I’ll message the young Doc tomorrow via the MyChart online portal for her rec again. Hope she can do so for me. I went there for help with HA pain. I have no meds I can tolerate for pain when things get bad. The modalities help some. But with my chiro out with COVID, reg Doc/chiro rescheduling 60% of my appts due to his busy practice, difficulty getting to PT, and increased episodes, I need more tools to lower the pain threshold. The headache-specific tools could be a game-changer. Then I can go back to natural stuff. And be out of bed, able to function more again. Funny how I’m at the book of Job again as I continue to read through the Bible.

I spent the next 2 days largely bed-bound, struggling to function at all. The young Doc returned my message with the same diagnosis and recommendations as the older Doc but did add the name of the 2 classes of medications she had recommended. At least there was something new to pursue with my Family Doctor. I started an herbal remedy for headaches anyways and at day 5, the daily headache had already started to improve. But I still wanted to see their report. Turns out I was in for another shock when it became available 6 days later.

The Progress Note that got posted in my patient portal and I anticipate will be sent to my Family Doctor is a FABLE! The report lists so much false or inaccurate information that I wonder who they are talking about? Numerous tests were never completed but there are results listed for them! Below is my responses from the “Request for Amendment of protested Health Information” filed today in my patient portal on the CC website.

The Progress Note contains falsified information.  The following tests WERE NOT completed:

REVIEW OF SYSTEMS:  None of these questions were asked.  7 mm kidney stone, intractable back pain, arthritis, significant sleep disturbance with Mild Sleep Apnea denied or omitted.

PHYSICAL EXAM for rash (present on both legs), cardiovascular & lungs (no stethoscope exam), vascular (no checks).

CRANIAL NERVES:  No exam completed.  No sensory testing, venous checks.  My tongue protruded to right during the convulsive episode (in your office).

MOTOR EXAM:  No MMT completed of UE or LE.  Right UE hung from table during convulsive episode.

SENSATION:  No one touched me except for vitals.

CEREBELLAR:  Convulsed for total of 60 minutes.  No finger to nose, heel to shin, rapid alt movements completed.

REFLEXES:  All values are false.  No testing completed.  Neither Doctor saw me walk in the room nor had me do toe or tandem walk.

What does the current information say that you believe is inaccurate?

The only PHYSICAL EXAM that was completed was an upper extremity range of motion which was WNL, interview, and vitals.

Multiple false values need to be deleted.  We drove 4 hours each way to have a comprehensive neurological exam completed and all that was done was an interview, observation, and BUE AROM test.  No one touched me to do a physical exam of my heart, lungs, reflexes, cranial nerves, strength or other tests.  Neither Doctor completed the gait tests noted nor saw me ambulate in the room.  Neither Doctor reviewed my Headache Scores with me.  When the BUE AROM test triggered aura then speech changes, searing head/neck pain, tics then a convulsive episode, I struggled to ask to lie down.  Dr. K (the older Doctor who I finally got to see her name when it was stated on the PR) said “NO.” Whiplash re-injury followed from severe involuntary movements.  My husband picked me up and put me on the exam table in a position so I could brace my head from further injury.  Dr. K chanted to breathe deeply.  Sometime later my husband put 60 mg of Prednisone in my mouth.  I do not know when the Doctors left.  Later a nurse checked on me and brought ice for the back of my head/neck and the episode stopped completely within a minute thereafter.

We could have done this verbal exam by tele-health without the trauma of this visit, extensive travel, and false report.  My “After Visit Summary” includes the diagnosis of Chronic Nonintractable Headache, Unspecified Headache Type.  This diagnosis is not on the Progress Report that I anticipate is going to my family practice physician, Dr. J, for continuation of care.  Please add it as an addendum.

Sigh. Big sigh. I have no idea from where they got the physical exam results that are listed in the Progress Report. They are fabricated, false, wrong. The Request for Amendment of Protected Health Information can take 60 days to receive a reply. I looked up the Clinic’s HIPPA policy and Patient Bill of Rights and Responsibilities. Looks like my privacy concerns fit more the latter and that I would have to contact an outside agency to file a complaint. It’s too soon to consider such action. I’ll see what the Request yields. Not sure if I should contact the young Doctor or not. She was actually very professional and listened to me. At the Mayo Clinic, the “MD Fellow” residents are able to file their own report in addition to the supervising physician. At CC, only a report with Dr. K’s signature on it is filed beyond the Visit Summary you get walking out the door (that only contains a preliminary diagnosis, single statement of recommendation, and information I had provided to the patient portal). The gross inaccuracies on the Progress Report from CC renders it useless in my humble opinion.

We’ll see what my Family Doctor says. He is a brilliant diagnostician and loves to review special reports. He’s just too busy most of the time to dig into the differential diagnoses of my case sometimes. Looks like the Docs at CC were also so they made it up. Another healthcare faux pas for sure. Oy vey. JJ