Tag: love

Me thinks the lady dost protest too much

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According to Wikipedia (and who can argue with the Big W?)  The quotation “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” comes from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, act III, scene II, where it is spoken by Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother. In Shakespeare’s time, “protest” meant “vow” or “declare solemnly”.  It also means that she is promising too much.  Well I don’t know about the Queen but this lady is going to take it literally:  I think my posting about illness is getting to be too much!

So I must digress for a moment into another topic altogether.  You see, the failing of dealing with chronic illness (defined as that which lasts more than 6 months) is when the diagnosis becomes you.  When I start to use words like, “my Lyme disease” or “my mold illness” then I am beginning to affix a permanent label to myself:  a new identity as a sick person.  Sure, I am a person with a serious illness.  Yet if I am not careful, I will develop such a strong identification with the role of “sick person” that it will be difficult to embody or identify with other roles and activities in my life.  It could be difficult to identify with healing when it comes; that would be bad!  The tendency when wearing the “hat” of a disease too well is to talk about symptoms or treatment all of the time.  I could constantly be complaining about the daily headaches and pain, difficulty concentrating, or pre-tic phenomena, etc.  And if I do that, I simply won’t be much fun to be around.  I will find myself alone more of the time and I’m already alone a lot!

So I must make a conscious effort, beginning with those closest to me, to focus on him or her and other things no matter how benign the topic.  Gotta start somewhere!  I can always find something to say about our cute pupster, the mail that came that day, or something for which I am grateful.  I can always lavish in the goodness of the Lord, Jesus Christ and how he has given me a warm, pretty home in which to reside.  I can always be grateful for the healthy food that is available to me in our smallish town from both local farmers and chain grocery stores.  (For example, have you seen the great prices on organic, free range chicken thighs in the Family Pack at Wal-Mart?)  And when in doubt, I can even brag about making it to Level 102 in the Facebook game Pengle.  Hey, what else am I supposed to do when spacey at 2:00 a.m.?  The game is not that easy and it’s kinda fun too!

One of my favorite topics is my husband Steve.  He is an amazing man.  Steve begins his day with an extended time of prayer before taking care of our dog and getting ready for work.  I am often sleeping or returning to sleep as he is leaving for work; we chat by phone sometime later in the afternoon.  By that time he has designed a cool aspect of a weather satellite or test instrument in his role as a mechanical engineer for a world-wide firm.  At lunch he cycles.  Yeah that’s right.  Most of us take bike rides.  Not my Stevers.  He is a competitive athlete to the core even during his lunch “rides” where the guys crank out 20 or more miles, averaging 19 or so miles per hour most days of the week.  Then on Tuesday nights during the warmer weather and most weekends until the St. Joseph River freezes over, you’ll find my River Bear in his kayak-on-steroids.  Steve races in the United States Canoe Association circuit  (K-1 Unlimited class) here in northern Indiana and at Nationals every year.  His two little ditties are 21-foot carbon fiber surf skiis that weigh in at around 23 pounds each!  The Epic V12 looks like a Tomahawk missile on top of his stealth fighter Dodge Magnum low rider transport vehicle.  Then there’s the multitude of service activities to our church including worship, Bible study, and fellowship.  It’s amazing that there’s any energy left when the dude returns home.  Yes, there is energy left for me, with hugs and tenderness too.  Even at midnight when I’m not doing so well on a work night.

USCA Nationals 2013: Steve racing the Mohican
USCA Nationals 2013: Steve racing the Mohican

I love Steve with all my heart.  It’s a privilege to be his wife, a blessing from the Lord.  I have never felt so loved, so cherished, so respected, and held in so high of esteem by anyone at any other time in my life.  His sense of humor, common sense, and Godly wisdom enrich me immeasurably.  He is often my “Jesus with skin on.”  Thank you, Jesus for blessing me with an amazing man of God.

Ladies, amazing men do exist!  Can you see one important reason why I strive with what little strength I have these days to be the best woman I can be?  Sometimes all I can do is make my man his lunch . . . at 3:00 a.m. in the morning before I finally make it to bed.  So I make it the best lunch I can possibly muster with my Heavenly Husband holding me together until it’s completed.  Then the dog gets a scratch behind the ears and it’s time to collapse into whatever the darkness may bring.  At least I know as I close my eyes each night that this lady has “professed” her best culinary care and it is not “too much.”  I’m hoping it’s just right!

Oh my Heavenly Father, thank you for my beloved who cares for me and my heart in this life until we both can be in Your presence forevermore.  And if it is your will Lord, I ask to be able to be with Steve a little more as husband and wife, sharing the joys of life and being together.  Thank you for helping us to find some sweetness despite this season of illness in my life.  Thank you for Your provision and helping me, helping us to endure this difficult journey.  You have sustained us, carried us over and over again through much uncertainty, false hopes, unexpected setbacks, and complications.   While all this is true, You have also allowed others to see You here and there when we somehow got it right.  Oh Lord, I pray that we continue to be a worthy steward of all that You allow in our lives for Your glory alone.  Thank you for a better afternoon and evening today.  I love you too.  In Christ’s name, Amen.

You have made a difference!

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I am grateful for the love, care, and support of some special folks who have helped me make it through nearly two years of serious illness.  I am also sad for those who have left my life or misunderstood this time in my life.  Hardship is not contagious folks!Mom's 75th B Day Party

First, the good stuff.  The person nearest and dearest to my heart is my beloved husband, Steve.  I am amazed when I gaze into his blue eyes at the sincerity of his love for me and for the Lord too.  When he comes close and holds me through a tough episode, cradling my neck in his hands to comfort me and minimize the trauma of various noxious symptoms, I am humbled!  There are not many people on the planet that would do this even for a loved one two years “down the road.”  Many would become exasperated, angry, indifferent, or worse by now.  Thank you Lord for this amazing man.  Thank you for my “Jesus with skin on.”

The next group of folks closest to the fire, so to speak, who have helped me to survive are my Lyme Literate Medical Doctor and our local Lyme disease support group (who are largely his patients).  You understand!  You get it!  And you believe me!  When my Doc calls me on a Saturday with the name of a pharmacy where I can get a medication almost $100 USD cheaper, I am grateful!  When it’s my turn to share at our monthly Lyme group meeting and my tummy is happy from the yummy snacks we bring that fit our special dietary restrictions, I feel loved!  And then when we exchange text messages or Cindy, or Roberta or Diana offers help with a special task, I am humbled.  Oh how I pray I may serve you too in your time of need.

A few dear friends and family members have witnessed and endured much of the past 10 years of this incredible journey of transformation.  I love the kind of relationships that go on no matter what life brings, picking up when we meet again as if no time has passed.  I hope my brother Mike, Brenda, Deb, Kinsey, Patrice, Mary, Judy, Maria, Tami, and a few others feel the same way?   Now that my parents and grandparents have passed away, I appreciate even more my extended family including my Other Mom, Other Dad, Uncle Dave, Aunt Lori, Aunt Patty, and Aunt Shirley.  I love you and thank you for investing in my life.

There’s a special place in my heart for the online community.  Whether I met you on a Facebook Lyme forum, your blog or when you commented on my blog, I credit you with keeping me sane at the odd times of day when no one else cares!  Thank you for your “likes,” for following this blog, for your comments and suggestions, for your time.  The greatest gift from a friend is a gift of his or her time.  When you reach out to me I know that I am not alone.  While the internet can be a ruthless place, I am grateful for it’s goodness, especially when I am awake in the middle of the night.  It’s pretty cool that my buds in the UK or West coast of the US are online when I am!  Please let me know how I may return your kindness.

I’ll save the best for last.  In the interim, I’ll briefly state my sorrow for those who have chosen to leave my life.  He or she will not be reading this so I won’t waste much white space gushing this or that emotion.  I am grateful that when I have endured hardship in the past, I learned the importance of letting go of the people, places, and things that leave my life at these times.  Perhaps saying goodbye makes room to welcome the blessings that are to come?  Thank you for all that you have taught me.  Godspeed, dear ones.  I’ll be here if you want to stop by for a chat or walk around the block in the future.  As for the things, well they are just things.  So long.

And now for the best:  the One who knew me and my frame before I was born, fearfully and wonderfully made by Your guiding hand.  (Psalm 139)  I love you Lord and thank you for saving me from my path of destruction as a young woman.  I praise you for crafting the incredible events of my life to bring me more blessing than I could have ever imagined in the middle of my journey on this earth.  While I do not fully understand the sorrows that have come, I am convinced that You hold my tears in your hand, counting and caring for each drop, every pain.  I have never felt alone.  Thank you Jesus for bringing me to Your throne of grace where I may dwell in Your presence now and forevermore.  Grow my trust in Your promises, Your plan for my life, Your will for me all that is around me in this world that is troublesome.  Come soon my Lord!

So for all of you and you and you and you and You who have made a difference in my life, I give thanks.   If I have screwed up somewhere, please let me know and consider forgiving me.   I want to make it right if I can.  And if any good comes from me, these blogs, or anything else, to God be the glory.  He is worthy to be praised!

Your God is not big enough

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If you can’t have peace when sick in bed on a drop dead gorgeous afternoon . . . your God is not big enough.

When the dog looks at you with worried eyes because she heard you yelping from the bedroom with convulsions and you wonder if you’ll survive the day . . . your God is not big enough.

A doctor gives you a new medication to calm you down and maybe even lessen your suffering, it doesn’t, and you wonder if you’ll ever get past the wretchedness, the repeated disappointments . . . and your God is not yet big enough.

When you are frustrated that dinner is finished after midnight, you are up on the internet after 2:00 a.m. and you lose faith that you will ever have a normal life . . . your God is not big enough.

If every day poses a new test to your resolve and there is none left . . . you have not learned to rely on a God that is big enough.

When your blog glorifies your own accomplishments, makes you appear stronger than you really are, and claims to know anything separate from the One who made you . . . you have not allowed your God to be big enough.

And if you can find a way to convey how small yet how loved you really are, how your forgiveness spans as far as the east is from the west, and how there truly is hope beyond Lyme disease or what you can see . . . your God is becoming big enough to believe.

So if you are suffering in any way like me and find yourself in doubt, in pain, despairing, angry, lonely, or worse, it’s time we both face the fact there is a God who is big enough to carry all of our burdens.  Let us come before His throne of grace this day and pour out our hearts to the One whose gracious thoughts towards us outnumber the grains of sand on the earth.  He wept for each one of us, He sweat drops of blood for all of His children, He died a tortuous death for you and me, and He rose from the dead to save us from the burdens of all of our troubles in this life.  In time, He will come again for you and for me to live with Him forever in paradise.

As you ponder this, I invite you to get to know just a little more:  the God who is big enough.  And if you have not yet invited Him into your heart, consider doing so this day too.  You will see what a difference His love will make.  Then you will say about the Lord Jesus Christ, His Word, His hope, His promises, the adventurous and mysterious life that he bestows upon us:  I just can’t get enough!

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Best to Hang in There When “There” is Unknown Territory

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With a brain fog or spaciness that defies definition, I humbly submit this blog update!

Tuesday began 2 doses of a promising new treatment for Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome:  vasoactive intestinal peptide or VIP.  The first dose was at noon and the second was at midnight.  I felt a little on edge as I went to bed within the hour of the second dose, followed by a few tic zips (such as the norm for me these days!).  What I didn’t expect next was the fearful images that passed before my eyes as I entered sleep mode.  No problem, really.  That’s what prayer is for and I called upon the Lord to sanctify my mind.  Prayer answered.  I was able to fall asleep without any more problems.

My next surprise came with an abrupt wake up at 4 in the morning with a vivid nightmare!  When I say vivid, I mean that the bats in my mind were landing on me, in color and I could feel them!)  Frightful indeed!  Low grade tics quickly escalated into seizure attacks, air hunger, shortness of breath, and at least 20 minutes of rotating noxious symptoms.  Not sure which was worse:  the nightmare or the aftermath!

I have had nightmares and this type of experience before.  The last one was at least 2 weeks ago so the timing may or may not have been related to the new medication.  After all, the pharmacist said it was a “benign” drug and my LLMD said that 50 mcg is a low, loading dose.  Yeah right.  I am overly sensitive to everything right now so it is no surprise that a nasal spray of a new hormone, deposited directly into the capillaries in my sinuses and leading into my blood stream, could shake me up a bit.  Sigh.  No problem again.  This is familiar territory.

Wednesday I decided to take a break from the VIP when I awakened feeling pretty beaten up.  For my daily treatment I just ran some Rife programs, slept some more and had a pretty good day overall for me.  The post-attack headache subsided and I was able to take care of a personal appointment and run a few errands.  I forced myself to get out and work in the garden later and it was soothing therapy.  I praise the Lord for His gift of Spring renewal here in the Midwest.  I love living here.

I took the next dose of VIP on Thursday at noon.  My nose started running right away but this didn’t last very long, thankfully.  Then brain fog settled in followed by a ramping up of my nearly constant companion of a low grade headache.  Regardless, I got going on some insurance matters that have needed attention for over a month.  Guess I’m at the next tier of taking care of things since moving home March 27th;  I was glad to “getter done.”  The day was going fairly well so I got to go to church with my hubby for the National Day of Prayer Service at our calvary chapel.  How sweet it is to worship with my Stevers, to pray, and to fellowship with other believers.  It had also been about a month since the last time I was able to go to church.

The worship was awesome.  However, during the service the music was sooooo loud, and the bass was soooooo loud that both of us had to plug our ears even though we were sitting in the back of the sanctuary under the balcony!  Turns out that plugging my ears is not enough to avoid sensory overload.   I cannot tolerate the vibrational sound energy and bass wavelengths of loud music.  I do not understand why it has to be so loud anyways?  We are there to worship the Lord Jesus Christ, not hurt our ears!  Unfortunately, things did not go well after I returned to wait for Steve in the car. I had to get out of there before the spill-over into seizure attacks would begin.  The music was the trigger that turned this multi-sensory-sick child of the King into what would turn out to be a 12 1/2 hour episode of seizure attacks.  As rocker Alice Cooper once sang, “welcome to my nightmare” once again.

Gratefully I was able to get out of the car by myself when we got home and walk gingerly into the house.   Gratefully Steve was available to help lift me off the couch two hours later after eating and resting, so I could get ready for bed.  Gratefully I was able to attend to my own self care and even make us some food earlier during one of the breaks in the action.  Gratefully I have some new positioning strategies in bed to minimize the impact the uncontrollable shaking has on headaches and other painful areas.  Gratefully Steve prayed for me both before we fell asleep and in the morning before he left for work.  Gratefully I was able to make a snack when I woke up ravenously hungry at 4 in the morning!  Hmmmm.  There’s that “4” number again.

The attacks tapered down by the time I was to finally get out of bed at 9:30 a.m.  Just a quick jolt welcomed me to my day and I was able to take care of myself and our dog.  Once again I was pretty beat up by the events of the last evening.  Twelve and one-half hours had passed since the episode began and it was finally over.  The shell of the person that is Julie was leftover to slowly get going, make my special dietary items, and take care of the stuff of life before my afternoon physical therapy appointment.  Gratefully I was able to start then later finish and mail the jewelry order that was due today.  But in the middle of the day and during physical therapy, there was another rebound episode of neuromuscular events followed by copious tears.  I am so sad.  This is really hard.  I am really broken.  Gratefully my therapist is trained in some calming techniques of myofascial release that work really well with me.  Even at my low energy level with soreness all over my body, I am now able to function again.

So this is chronic illness and the ups and downs of recovery.  One day you are excited for a promising new treatment and the next you are herxing from a reaction to the promising new treatment.  The physical therapist says that the seizure attacks seem “softer” than the ones I have had in the past.  O.k., I guess that’s good.  Maybe it is just part of the process of assimilating a new drug that crosses the blood-brain barrier and into a zone where illness has a foothold at the moment.  Sure is a tough road, I’ll tell ya.  Recovery is not for wimps.

At this point is usually where I write about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, sustaining me and giving me hope in the face of severe testing and trials.  If you’ve read this blog before, you probably know what I am about to write here.  You might expect me to say what a difference it makes to have Jesus in my heart or I would be filled with despair.  I usually say a lot about His sustaining grace as I truly believe that my life and these experiences are for my ultimate good and His glory.  Yes, I am softer in many ways than before this illness began.  This suffering will end someday.  I know where I will be when it ends.  Do you?  Do you know where the trials of your journey through life will lead you when your life ends?  If you do, does  your life show it?  Oh I hope so!

If you have not turned to the Lord as your Saviour, lover of your soul, forgiver of your sins (and you all have them, sorry folks, no one is perfect), and hope for all of eternity, then  what the heck are you waiting for?  How many blogs do I have to write about suffering before someone out there that isn’t saved gets it:  the meaning of life is not all about YOU, it is not all about ME.  It is all about HIM.  It ain’t about a religion either.  It is about a relationship with the God of the Bible.  Until we are given an eternal perspective that He provides and transcending joy that He grants beyond measure when we but believe in Him, all we have is our fallen human condition.  Now that is sad indeed!  Our problems will never all be solved in this life.  We will hurt.  We will lose things and people and places that we love.  Our experiences will be a mixed bag at best.  We will fall short of the peace we seek when we realize that in the end, the stuff of this life adds up to dust, to nothing at all.  We can’t take anything with us when we die.  As the wisest, richest king that ever lived (King Solomon) once said, it is all meaningless!

Yes, it is best to hang in there when there is unknown territory.  I am taking Jesus Christ with me.  My eternity began when I accepted Him into my heart as Lord.  Oh gentle reader, will you too?

P.S.  Going for a walk with my pup, a friend and her pup.  God is so good.

After the Wedding

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Many Christian weddings call upon the Apostle Paul’s marvelous description of love to help us know what love really looks like.  Sound familiar?

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When you see love in action, you know that it truly exists.  While love is the hallmark of God’s gift of marriage, we know that it exists in many other relationships too.  I must write that I have seen it again today like so many days these past five years.  To see love as created by God himself, is to fully be alive.  To feel loved by another, is to know that God exists.  To love in return, is what I can do to say thank you.  To love before I see it, before I feel it, before I can give it, is to become an instrument of the Lord.  All are humbling and wonderful.

Today was a particularly difficult day.  More noxious symptoms occurred than usual and many continue at this moment.  And yet I feel no less loved than any other day from my beloved husband, Steve Horney.  He is my Jesus with skin on today and for that I am more than grateful.  I . . .   I . . .   I . . .    All I can say is thank you and I love you too!

If you were not in my life, my dear Stevers, I would have my Heavenly Husband to help me through this day.  He knows what days this has been true in my past and what days He will be my Rock in the future.  Wow.  Today I have both.  God is good.  All the time.  God is good.