faith – Page 15 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Like a Life and Death Decision

Published on February 6, 2015February 6, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Monet Japanese bridge at giverny — Japanese Bridge at Giverny by Monet

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

To receive salvation granted by grace is our greatest opportunity in this life. In accepting this invitation, we will know Who holds our future in highest regard and security. We will then enjoy the freedom to live our lives as God designed, as God intended. Our lives will be meaningful! He gave us so much goodness to enjoy in our lifetimes: enough to encourage us when things are not so good or down right evil. Through it all, with Him, we can live without fear and are never truly alone. We can live life with abandon! We can love fully and receive the fullness of love from others especially from our Creator. Indeed His gracious gifts mean even more than “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!”

I believe in saving grace and it came despite horrific trials. Many trials. Years of trials. A lifetime of trials. Hey, while my life has not been easy it has not been all bad either. I am grateful for much blessing and my eternal security in Christ Jesus. It is because of the trials that I no longer fear the worst possible outcome: death itself. I have faced death many times. For example, on my own could I ever be free in my spirit after witnessing attempted murder? Abandonment? Poverty? Abuse? Physical pain? Agonizing seizure attacks for years? The answer to all of these is YES I CAN. I can be free and yes I am free in Christ Jesus. With His amazing grace I am also free of the fear of death. With that out of the way, I have a new sense of LIFE and I am exceedingly grateful for it!

Lately I have considered launching a new business. As I pondered the best and worst-case scenarios of starting my own company, a question arose about life and death that is stirring my soul.

What if a customer someday dies because of a flaw in my product or services?

O.k. so you might not be the type who “starts with the end in mind” yet this is where my mind goes more often than I care to admit. In other words, what if either the products of my company or something related to my design or advice are to blame for the loss of life of another human being? That person would be someone’s son or daughter; someone’s mother or father, sister or brother could be gone forever! Someone dying because of me directly or indirectly would be tragic. I would be devastated! Surely my family and employees would be affected too. We might lose the business that we worked so hard to create. Our grief could make it difficult to recover emotionally in the years thereafter. How could our lives go on with the guilt, the pain, the horror, the shame?

*****************************************************

There is another, hidden layer to my character that relates to this subject of life and death. It’s a part of me that I have never really understood until now. A handwriting analyst in the 1960’s nailed it down for me when I was a girl struggling to find my way through childhood. Everything in my life at that time had to be just so and if it was not, I was very vocal about it! Imagine a 6-year old kid criticizing the way her teacher was reading a book to her first grade class! After all, Mrs. C was not doing it the way that Mrs. B read books in my kindergarten class and that was not right. I understand that I was sent to the coat closet for such offenses more than once!

I have come to understand that the ability to be flexible, spontaneous, open to new things including CHANGE, comes from an inner sense of security. If at an early age we are 1) affirmed in ourselves, our abilities, 2) believe that the world around us is relatively safe, and 3) there is love and affection to comfort us (from a parent or heavenly Father), then we can deal with the imperfections of life. If any of those three elements are missing then our ability to live outside our comfort zone flounders. We will strive for things to be “black and white” when much of life is simply “gray.” Letting go of control and dealing with the ambiguities of life is easier with the character qualities also known as gifts of the Holy Spirit: patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Further, the gifts of peace, love, and joy will follow for the mature believer in Jesus Christ who can live in the world just as it is. A controlling person is told to somehow, “grow up and smell the roses.” I have found that this is impossible without the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. Who knows what growing up means anyways?

At one time, deep in my character I did not care about the things that I should. For me in the past, having a severely controlling nature went beyond my birth order as the oldest in both of my parent’s families! (Bossy sister? Yeah, I heard that one more than I care to admit.) There was a disconnect that went deeper. At the core of my character I knew that I could harbor hate, malice, distrust, anger, jealousy, and much more ugliness than I care to disclose. Somewhere in my unrepentant gut was a self -centeredness that put myself above all others in such a sick way that I might not care if another human being got harmed around me. This is a horrible quality to have. This is the consequence of woundedness. This is the result of growing up without the safety and security needed to fully bond to the human race. This also made me feel profoundly alone.

At it’s core, I believe that my disconnectedness ultimately did not come from me. I believe that this kind of strife comes from our sin nature that is part of the human condition; I just got a boost in the wrong direction in the form of a largely unhappy childhood. What I would do with all of that was up to me when I was introduced to the plan of salvation through our redeemer Jesus Christ. We are all born with the propensity to sin until truly loved and trained away from it. Just watch a 2-year old rip a toy out of the hand of a younger sibling! Yes, even a darling 2-year old has a sin nature!

Jesus came to earth to re-connect us to our heavenly Father by washing away our sins with His grace. Those who believe in His work on the cross receive forgiveness, a new nature, and the spiritual gifts noted above. Unshakeable peace, love, joy and more come into our lives. Jesus came and through our walk with the Holy Spirit we become freed from the character flaws of our sin nature. This process continues until the day of our death. And deep within our character we can heal and deal with all that is not quite right with our world, growing to become the man or woman He intended for us to be. We can be whole. As we do so, we can fully love one another, forgive those who trespass against us and live victoriously beyond our temptations. We can be free to receive much goodness, do many good things.

When someone passes away, a person with a right heart grieves the loss. Jesus showed us this tender quality when His friend Lazarus died and at the cross. I know that my heart is more full now than ever before as evidenced by my ability to recognize and feel grief when someone dear leaves this life. I feel very sad. I also feel more compassion now than ever before as a result of healing from the losses in my own life. So while I am aware of the character flaw I once carried of depersonalization, I know that the Lord is filling the ugliness of my sin nature with His perfect love. I know that He loves me more than anyone else can ever love me. I feel His love directly and through the people His has placed in my life today. I feel more connected to the other wonderful sojourners in my life than ever before and it is good.

*****************************************************

If I start a new company and there is a tragic loss of life or injury for any reason, I trust that the Lord will go before me to guide my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my speech. I pray that between now and that day, should it ever come, that He will grow me in His character so that I may fully love that grieving family or person. Lord help me to do what I can to make things right should a tragedy come to pass. Thank you for breaking the bondage of my past. Most importantly today, help me to design products, services, and educational materials that preserve long and happy lives for others I may serve. May my future customers and employees see Your touch of grace upon my life as it shines through the company I believe you are entrusting to me. May I hold everything gratefully, responsibly, and lightly: ready to carry it or let it go as You desire. You are most important to me, my dear Jesus. You saved me from sin and death for such a time as this . . .

Gentle Reader: shall we start a two step solution together that makes life easier for everyone? Hmmmm. My mother was a gifted writer and my father was an amazing inventor. I have learned much from their skills and abilities. Ah yes, I see a Business Plan coming together.

Step 1: Make a decision.

Step 2: Do it!

Alright. I’m in! Witness the birth of Two Step Solutions. Now let’s go! :J

Julie Horney MS, OTR/L

My Testimony: Salvation in a Laundrymat

Published on October 28, 2014October 28, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded5 Comments

Salvation in a Laundrymat The Testimony of Julie November 27, 2005

Originally published on http://www.fellowshipchurchonline.com/

*************************

When the trials of life got me down

And my angst led to seeking and a new church

It was the outstretched arms of the laundrymat attendant

That led to a decision washing me clean, indeed.

That was 1988: I was single and a Christian man had just entered my life. My life was stuffed at the time with full time work in healthcare and graduate school. Dabbling in church attendance and regular Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings were fueling a desire to learn more about God and the person of Jesus Christ. I had so many questions, so many unresolved hurts from my childhood. Sitting in the audience of a very large, non-denominational church brought tears and stirred something deep inside me. Something I hadn’t felt in years . . .

I grew up attending a local church, complete with first communions, baptisms, lighting candles, going to the confessional, and the like. As a teenager and in college, I attended other churches of the same denomination and the routine, the rituals, were pretty much the same. But where was God? I could sense Him sometimes on Sunday mornings and in one particular baptismal service for my Godchild, Tommy. Why wasn’t He helping our family on the other days of the week?

My family life was in shambles. My father developed a mental illness and left our home when I was 9 years old. I would later understand that his struggle to overcome his mental illness exposed me and my brothers to sorrows beyond belief. There were inappropriate experiences with other adults as well.

We struggled to survive. My mom went back to work to support us and a few people tried to help where they could. The weekly allowances, ice cream from the Good Humor truck, books from the South Elementary School Book Club, and chocolate milk for lunch ended. My mom struggled in her identity as a single mom. The church fell short in meeting her needs, our needs and we were shamed by others. Some of the neighborhood boys weren’t allowed to play with my brothers. I felt rejected too. We kids fought a lot. And God bless the babysitters who risked losing their sanity by coming to our house!

My brothers, in time, would turn to alcohol or drugs to endure life. Both would eventually spend time in jail and never quite make it in the work world. Neither one married. One died of alcoholism and the other is devoting himself to care for our mom. Amazing! By the grace of God, I was given different responsibilities and opportunities.

A neighbor introduced me to the Warren Jayteens, the teen group of the Warren Jaycees (in our city just outside of Detroit, Michigan). That was the first of many new interests, part time jobs, and classical guitar lessons, and the list goes on. I became a “human doing” instead of a “human being.” My worth came from my activities, my accomplishments. And on the outside, I excelled.

Inside, I was hurting. I sought comfort in dating relationships and dabbled in alcohol and marijuana. My tolerance to alcohol increased. The partying continued when I moved to Illinois after college to start my first job in healthcare. I would later see that my profession was a gift from God. He gave me the insight to pursue a profession in which I would teach others the skill of adapting to any circumstance. I personally benefited from this as I entered graduate school, found Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics, changed jobs, moved a few times, and met a Christian man.

That dear man helped me with my many questions about God and the Bible. The witness of his upbringing in a Christian home spoke volumes of what it really looked like to grow up in a stable environment. His father was a leader in his childhood church. The witness of Craig’s life and of his family, showed me more of what it was like to have good clean fun and led to a decision for Christ.

On our third date, he brought me to a very large, non-denominational church. There were 4,000 people at each service! I thought it was a cult! I was wrong. My soul got fed for the first time. Some months later, a laundry mat attendant sensed my needs, my readiness, and witnessed to me. I will never forget that day. I can still see her face. She had so much love in her eyes. That night, alone in my apartment, I prayed to have Jesus come into my life. I repented of the mistakes of my past. I was truly washed clean by the blood of Jesus.

Two years later in 1991, Craig and I were married in that large, non-denominational church. We worshipped there five years. I grew in my understanding of the Christian life. I tried to be a “good Christian” wife and fell short a bit. My walk with the Lord would really begin several years later when Craig led us to a smaller Bible church. It was there that I began to unravel the part of the pain of my childhood that had created a barrier to developing an intimate relationship with the person of Jesus Christ. More tears. More healing. And a faithful man to walk with me. Very cool.

Things changed March 4, 2003. Our marriage had endured several trials and disappointments by then. Craig’s father had died, I was injured in an auto accident with lingering effects, Craig was laid off twice, we lost the court case related to the accident, and my work-related injuries created financial and emotional hardships for both of us. I always returned to work after a setback. I adapted. Craig pursued a new career direction as well in aviation and we felt the Lord’s blessing and provision. Then he had to stop suddenly and was never quite the same after that. He began to withdraw from me. At the same time, he threw himself into church service and became a Deacon. I tried to start a second business and return to work in healthcare. God had other plans.

On the morning of March 4, 2003, I prayed a desperate prayer for the Lord to intervene in my life. Intervene he did! That night I received a phone call and learned that my husband had been in an affair for about a year. I asked Craig to leave for awhile that night and he did. He never came back.

Standing in my living room, very late at night, very alone, I was in shock. I knew my life was about to change but had no idea how it would. A verse came to me from Jeremiah 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

That verse would come back to me again and again at key times over the next three years – at times when no other words could possibly sustain me or give me hope. Like the night of the fire . . .

Let’s just say that major changes occurred in rapid-fire succession from that day forward. (Riddle: What day of the year is a command? Answer: March “fourth.” Geez!)

My grandmother died. I refinanced our home. My brother died. The divorce process became eminent. I sold my home. I moved. I lost my job due to an injury. I was promoted in my home business. I moved again. I got a temporary job then a permanent position. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. The divorce was final at Christmastime. Geez! I was in a fire. I moved twice to temporary housing. I moved to a beautiful condo where I now reside. The healing work has begun, from the inside out!

Whew! I thank the Lord for walking with me and for bringing the Army of Believers who have been there, led me, and carried me on this journey to today. It takes an Army and an unshakable faith in Christ to rise from the trials of life victorious. I pray daily for Craig’s repentance and return to the Lord. And I do know this: the choices we make each day determine where we ultimately land in our walk with the Lord, our walk through the days of our lives. Since my prayer has always been for my own sorrows not to be wasted, I remember to seek the face of Jesus each day, especially when the mud flies. I pray that Craig will too. He has incredible gifts of teaching, of reasoning, of physical health, and of loving. May these be used for God’s glory soon.

As for me, I’m called to do what I can with what I have, where I am. (At the time of this writing in 2005, I’d) just had a “Thanksgiving” party to thank all the people that helped me; the evening was wonderful! I pray that the Lord continues to restore me. Through this process, my purpose has become clear: to build something of significance that blesses other people. Gee, that’s what I’ve always wanted in my heart before I could put the words together! To know this purpose is the intervention I prayed for March 4, 2003. I am closer to this dream now more than ever before. And it came this way. This way? Yes, it came this way.

And since this has proven to be true in my life I must say that I really wouldn’t want it any other way!

Thanks. Just Julie

***************************

ADDENDUM: It is now 9 years later when I have come across my testimony in an old computer file. I am amazed at all the Lord has walked with me through! My mother passed away in March of 2007 and I married my intended beloved, Steve, in November later that year. I moved to Indiana to marry Steve, to slow things down, to rediscover so many rich outdoor activities, and to enjoy a loving relationship with Steve like none I had ever experienced before. Even a serious personal illness, my brother’s stroke, and a medical leave from a lifelong profession that I love could not deter the love I experience from my Jesus and my Stevers. After all: life goes on. I am exceedingly grateful that the Lord never changes. I am exceedingly grateful for so much!

The most important element in all of this, in all of my life, is my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Thank you Jesus.

That is all. JJ

Oh What A Night

Published on September 17, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded4 Comments

What a date we had tonight.

Dinner: Parkview Hospital 24-hour grill.

Movie: HGTV on the ER Suite flat screen.

Drinks: Bottled beverages and 1114 cc fluids for me.

And a whole lot of shaking going on: 3 hours of seizure attacks, non-stop.

It’s as I have heard it said that life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

I am feeling much better now. I love IV fluids! (Weird, I know.)

We are sleepy!

Waiting on the Lord

Published on September 12, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Waiting on the Lord,

Clinging to this keyboard,

Playing the “how long psalm” in my head.

Where does my help come from?

So obvious that it’s Him once again

And yet the troubles trouble on.

“God is not Santa Claus,”

I once wrote a fellow sufferer, or

One who hands us our lottery happiness ticket.

The Lord knows no boundary of time

So our journey must not be measured so

Lest we push ourselves out of His perfect plan.

For if we take the reigns

And steer off course by will

We may never see His glorious promise revealed.

He will never leave us or forsake us.

He is with us now and til the end.

His mercies renew and He graces us with abundantly more.

Humbly shall I remain

Waiting on my Lord with open eyes

For His return in glory: it will be soon.

And on that day I know I will be glad for all.

Just Julie Treatment Update

Published on September 10, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded5 Comments

Brief update: I seem to be in what an airline pilot might call a “holding pattern” lately. When I can break through the perpetual feeling of sickness and get myself out of the house, even if it is to our backyard, there’s always a backlash of noxious symptoms. Recently my chiropractor recommended a heavy metals blood test and after a month of getting the paperwork and procedures right we have the results: high potassium and very high mercury. Yipes! So my husband and I are investigating chelation therapy. I have an appointment with a Doctor of Osteopathy who provides chelation and other medical, nutritional interventions. In the meantime I’ll check with my family practice physician and see if there’s enough data to proceed with caution. We will be covering this in prayer. For most folks chelation is a difficult journey. But hey, I’m familiar with that already, eh?

More details: The daily 2 to 5 hour waking seizure attack episodes continue. One day each week the episodes exceed 8 hours on and off during which I am largely bed bound. If I have pushed myself to complete heavy gardening tasks or more than about 2 hours of appointments outside of our home then the episodes can increase to 12 hours. The rest of those days is pretty worthless. I have at least two “worthless” days at home each week anyways, regardless of my activity level. These are days where I pretty much take advantage of the lovely “3 hots and a cot” afforded by our home. I may see you here at the computer and mope through other very sedentary tasks. Dinner may or may not get prepared. Thank goodness for my homemade freezer meals and frozen burritos for Steve on days like these!

The normal sleep-wake cycle remains elusive for me. When I do go to bed around midnight it is usually because Steve has carried me there in the neurological collapse-mode of a seizure attack. This happens twice per week. I’ll pass out at some point thereafter only to awaken in less than 4 hours, usually with another episode of tazoring. Many days the tazoring wakes me up in the middle of the night. Good grief! That’s what happened last night prompting this blog. When I do wake up in the middle of the night I have to find a way to yank myself out of bed or they will continue indefinitely! This also happens twice per week on average. The other nights I endure an episode sometime between sunset and midnight then I am wide awake until 4:00 a.m. or so. If I can wait until I feel sleepy then the episodes falling asleep will usually be shorter and sometimes not at all. I love it when the latter happens! The best schedule for me then is to be up late, go to bed and sleep until noon-ish, endure a shorter waking tazoring then attempt to move forward with the day. I love days when I do not have any appointments that disrupt this schedule!

The only “treatment” I can tolerate at the moment is a strict diet, coconut oil, colon hydrotherapy to detox, and extreme mold avoidance. Occasionally I can take a short walk late in the afternoon or use our elliptical for 5 minutes, usually in the middle of the night before bed. My diet is mold-free, gluten-free, sugar and sweetener-free, dairy-free, and low oxalate. The latter has produced some detox reactions that appear to be beneficial; bone broth is incredibly nurturing to my digestive tract. Most medications, pharm-grade supplements, and typical detox/immunity foods (such as lemon water, probiotics, ground flax seeds or oil) produce convulsions. Not good. This syndrome has a name: Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome or Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. The good news is that my gut health is better than it has been in a long time. That tells me that the dietary strategies are working! There are times when I feel more alert and my thinking is clearer. At times my memory is better. To my delight the creative juices are flowing again as reflected in my latest designs at Trinity Jewelry by Design. And sometimes I am even able to make jewelry during the daytime instead of just with the crickets outside the window of my cute little studio area . . .

October 11th will mark the 3 year anniversary of becoming sick. (For more on that story, see the About Julie page.) I’ve been off from work for 2 1/2 years now, the longest since I started working in at the Penny Candy Place as a teenager. No work or disability income is in sight. The Lord has provided for my every need through my gracious husband and His grace. Through it all Steve and I have been challenged to the ends of our human strength through unbelievable trials yet somehow feel closer to each other and to the Lord than ever before. Steve is my hero! We trust in Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalm 41:3, Psalm 71:14, Revelation 21:1-8 and more. The Lord is faithful to His Word: we have seen it, we hope in it, and His living Word carries us through it all. Even in those split seconds when it feels like my heart, my breathing, and my brain waves have ceased to function and I do not know if life will continue for me, I am no longer afraid. That’s how real the hope of heaven, the reality that my eternal life has already begun as a child of the King, the loose grip I have on the things of this earth are to me. Oh Gentle Reader, can you say that too?

So many unknowns fill our days. We can respond with woe and fear or we can respond with FAITH. And our faith is only as strong as that to which we apply it. I hope that you will join me or have put your faith in the omnipotent God over all. Yes, I wrote all.

Nothing less will do when faced with the next, er, bite in the shorts. You know I had to say it didn’t you?! :]