He’s Still on the Line

hold you tight

Long after my beloved is asleep

Devastated by unanswered prayers and sorrows so deep

I lie awake my body tossing, trembling

Such are the storms of night:  unending.

From wherest does my help come from

When prayers bring no relief with each day’s sun?

The hopes are dashed, the relief doesn’t last

And the damage, the pain continues no less.

So many nights where nightmares became reality

So much suffering sends off all memories of normalcy.

People leave your life even when they like you

For fear, for powerlessness, for horror of what is your truth.

New sojourners may come only to wallow awhile with you

Should you happen to find a way out they will be long gone too.

Choose wisely your inner circle my friend

Make sure the Lord is closest-in when the nightmare ends.

He will never leave:  His love will fill the gaps

Where others must fail, supernatural strength is what lasts.

You can call Him near, like a salve to the wounds of war

Then peace will come . . . you can carry on from there, dear one.

Now here’s a love song that reminds me of these times with my beloved Steve:  he holds me close while the Lord is still “on the line,” listening to our hearts and holding both of us near to His own.   From a simpler time:

Still on the Line

Time for a change

From Family Practice Physician to Lyme Literate Medical Doctor, from Chiropractor to Obgyn, our medical doctor tries to do it all.  I have benefitted from his expertise yet I am still not well.  And when I saw the redness and exhaustion in his eyes during my appointment this evening I realized that he is not well either!

Everyone who sees this gifted physician knows his crazy schedule, his dedication to help everyone in his care, and his history of nearly dying a couple of years ago with his own debilitating illness.  We used to hear how his office conversion to the government mandated computer system was responsible for incredible stress and delays in appointment times.  For example, it was not unusual to call the office in the morning about an appointment scheduled for 10:00 a.m. and not be called in for my appointment until 4:00 p.m. or later.  Forget the ones scheduled after 3:30 p.m. as they were usually rescheduled.  For awhile about one-third of my appointments were re-scheduled, delaying receiving test results or reviewing the status of a particular medical condition for months.  Frustrating indeed.

Yet when there was an acute issue, the Doc was right on it.  When something new popped up I was sent to the hospital in another section of the medical park for labs or scans, held in the waiting room for results, and sometimes seen back in the office much later that night.  To be seen well into the evening was not an unusual occurrence.  My record was an appointment that started at 2:30 a.m.!  He had one more patient after me and had just received notice that one of his pregnant patients was going into labor.  He must have never gone home that night or morning!  Dedication had become insanity.  We talked about it during that visit.  He agreed.  I understand that some scheduling and office procedure changes were put in place for this new year.  As near as I can tell, the staff and Doc are ending their nights before midnight now.  Virtually the same story, different day.

I recently blogged about some important abnormal test results being misplaced for six months.  That has happened another time as well.  Tonight there was only enough time to go over about half of a detailed genetic cholesterol study.  He handed it to me and said, “here, you take this.”  Whaaat?  He thought the “high CBD hemp oil” that I reported was reducing the seizure attacks 40% was vitamins C, B, and D.  Er, no!  After correcting the computer’s voice recognition software two dozen times, I believe he understood what I was saying:  sitting there with my ventilation mask on to avoid seizure attacks from some mysterious exposure in the office.

Mysterious was the exposure until I asked one of the nurses about it.  I had asked before and a different nurse declined comment.  And yet tonight in her own fatigue, a long-time employee openly shared how their office has routine leaks in the ceiling throughout the summer.  The staff has complained about the musty smell and requested testing for mold spores.  Evidently the tests came back “negative.”  The nurses still battle sickness at work.  A friend of mine who is a patient there can detect the musty smell but I cannot.  I just get tic attacks sitting in the treatment room for 2 hours waiting for the Doc!  My worst episode lasted 2 1/2 hours NON-STOP began after midnight dominated by convulsions most of the time!  My husband came to pick me up around 4:00 a.m.!  I’m sure that exhaustion and stress were a factor being in the office so late that night but hey, I was sitting in a water damaged building to be seen by my doctor for mold illness!  Whaaaat?  Soon after that I started wearing a mask every visit!

I have learned so much from my brilliant Doctor.  He is a Christian man who really cares about his patients.  He has provided better care for me for six years here in this smaller Indiana town than I ever received in the large metropolitan area of Chicago.  When my health got significantly worse 2 1/2 years ago I hung in there with him, hopeful that we would find answers.  I was also unsuccessful finding another MD or clinic to address the intractable seizures, pain, etc.  Gratefully, the Lord has now led me to another clinic in Michigan with two physicians specializing in methylation issues and biotoxin (mold) illness, respectively.  After three phone consultations, extensive paperwork, and additional lab testing completed, my husband and I are preparing for my first in-person visit on March 24th.  We will stop at a lab near the clinic for additional blood work to better match Dr. Richie Shoemaker’s protocols for “Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome.”  My current MD and I have worked closely on Dr. Shoemaker’s protocol yet neither of us are officially trained; this led to using the wrong laboratories, incomplete test results when the samples were not processed correctly, and improper sequencing of the treatment plan.  Two very expensive medications from an out-of-state compounding pharmacy either did not work or made me much worse.  We tried!  The biotoxin illness Doc at the new clinic works closely with Dr. Shoemaker and is a Christian too.  I am encouraged.  Lyme disease is not the focus at the moment and that’s o.k.

So it’s time for a change.  I still have appointments on the books with my primary care physician as someone will need to monitor ongoing health issues not covered by the new clinic.  He has asked for copies of all of the testing and reports so I am happy to oblige.  With the Lord’s help I will continue tweaking the dose of high CBD hemp oil in hopes of reducing even further the seizure attacks and noxious symptoms that follow.  The Lord is guiding me step-by-step, including through the spiritual leadership of my beloved Steve.  I am so glad I heeded hubby’s advice and did not start seeing every expert who sounded good on the internet!  When moments are better for me, we celebrate and don’t think about the bad times.  We both see examples of how the Lord has used this season in our lives for His glory.  We are closer than ever, more in love than ever before and for that I am grateful.  I am closer to Christ than ever before as well knowing that He heard my truly desperate cries for help the night before I first started the CBD oil.  I was ready to die and it was not to be.  I was spared from further anguish and suffering, turning a corner to better things at last.

If you are suffering this day, this night:  do not give up!  There’s a blogger praying for you Gentle Reader.  More importantly the God Who created the universe knows your name, sees you, knows your pain, and gave his life so that one day your heartache would end.  Please draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.  Everything will be worked together for good someday if you but call upon the Lord and let Him into your heart.  These statements are based upon His Word and promises that are true today and always.  The Great Physician will see you through, always my dear one.  Take care,  JJ

Some things remain a mystery, some not.

An instant later, both Professor Waxman, and his time machine are obliterated, leaving the cold-blooded / warm-blooded dinosaur debate still unresolved.
An instant later, both Professor Waxman, and his time machine are obliterated, leaving the cold-blooded / warm-blooded dinosaur debate still unresolved.

Today I am recovering from a terrible setback.  Turns out the herbal remedy from New Zealand with promising research is horrible for me in my battle with Candida Enteritis.  Will go back to my gentler protocol while I await results from testing that I will submit this week.  Thereafter I will schedule with a new clinic and in many ways, start over.

Sometimes, the dinosaur wins.

Sometimes you just know

13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you.  (John 16)

Jesus spoke these words as he was instructing the disciples about the Holy Spirit they would receive at Pentecost.  These words came hours before He was to be arrested, tried and convicted of crimes He did not commit.  He would be tortured, beaten and crucified in fulfillment of the scriptures that were written hundreds of years before He was born.  All of this happened so we could be saved from the consequences of our sin and live forever with Him in heaven.  For those who believe in Him, He dwells in their hearts, comforted and counseled by the Holy Spirit.  Call it supernatural intuition if you like.  Sometimes you just know something to be true, the right way to go.  For followers of Jesus Christ, walking in the Spirit of truth is a smidgen of heaven on earth:  one’s heart can be at peace at last.

I experienced this today.  A phone consultation with a second physician within a week brought hope.  I felt like my heart was at home in her care.  I was moved to tears when Dr. B. confided in me her faith in the Lord, shared how she had reviewed my records at length in preparation for our appointment, and led me through a plan that incorporated everything that has transpired in the past 2 years.  She has experienced biotoxin illness herself and has worked with the leading authority in the United States on this topic.  Her gentleness calmed my fears.  She listened.  Hey guys:  I am going to get well!

This next phase in my “Hope Beyond Lyme” journey will likely take another year.  The treatment steps will include baby steps such as 1/4 tablets of medication, micro nutrition, retesting at better labs, and plenty of out-of-pocket expenses.  At this point I am trusting the Lord to provide, to guide.  My husband has been a great spiritual leader during this time of illness and I know he will lead us in these next steps as well.  I am so glad I followed his advice not to fly across the country for medical consultations!  We could not have afforded it anyways.  And now the Lord has provided help from a clinic just a 2 1/2 hour car ride away.  Pure Michigan.  I’m going home to my home State for healing!

O.K. I don’t know if everything will be rosy but hey, I have hope again.  Gentle Reader, isn’t that just swell?  :J

Forbidden Fruit

It’s everywhere.  I look in one area then into another and I cannot avoid seeing it.  I go to the store and displays everywhere tempt my senses.  I must be strong.  I look forward as if I am wearing blinders (those “harness winkers” or leather patches that keep horses from looking to their peripheral vision) so I don’t stray from my mission.  The forbidden fruit beckons.  “No!” I will not cave.

It’s not that I can do this in my own strength, by the way.  The cravings are too great.  Every cell in my body has probably been affected at some level since I’m without the glucose and carbohydrates that provide energy to battle the infection raging therein.  Oh you thought I was writing about something sinister, didn’t you?  Nope.  It’s an elusive fungus, partially protected in a mucous-y biofilm but not sinister per se.  It is CANDIDA!  And at level 3 of 4 levels, gut yeast is hurting me badly.  The “forbidden fruit” includes actual fruit plus food containing any form of sugar plus any simple carbohydrate or starchy vegetable.  This includes all grains, even the gluten-free kind.  Now even several months into this this extreme diet I have yet to see the endpoint.

Now let’s add another layer:  any food that is fermented, aged, seasoned with just about anything but salt, or at risk for trace amounts of mold!  Evidently even walnuts and pecans can harbor mold in the folded areas of the nut itself.  Leftovers in the frig for more than 24-hours can harbor mold.  Black pepper can harbor mold.  And the list goes on.  Tonight I decided to sacrifice some more seasonings to try to prevent the side effects of consuming the wrong foodstuffs.  The consequences have been severe:  three and one-half hours of seizure attacks plus hours of recovery yesterday convinced me of the need for some more tweaking.   I also stopped one of the medications that feels like it’s killing me.  When a pathologist stated online that seizures change the matrix of the brain, well that woke me up again to the seriousness of this battle.  Seizures can be a part of a level 3 Candida infection.  Geez.  And most people associate yeast with vaginitis.  That was a cakewalk compared to where I am these days.

Yes, this is tough stuff.  Yes, it takes total discipline, focus, endurance, and patience with the repeated setbacks.  Chronic illness requires grace from one’s family, especially one’s spouse.  I am grateful for a loving husband who relies more on the Lord for his happiness and peace than on me.  He sees things from a hopeful place and speaks to the little improvements or the sweet moments between us no matter how small.  His God-given strength is very humbling.  The only way we are able to endure this is through the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We believe that this is the Lord’s plan for our lives and that He is here with us no matter what happens.  And if it is His will, I will be well someday.  I will be able to put to use that awesome carbon fiber canoe paddle Steve bought me for Christmas!  Such a gift of confidence from my beloved.  I love my man!

The forbidden fruit of today have become the hedges of protection I need to keep me from getting worse.  Just like the corrective events of life (those we bring upon ourselves from our own mistakes and those the Lord allows for His Divine purposes), they are not to be hated, feared, avoided, or teased.  We must face that which is forbidden and directly choose otherwise, place a barrier (physical or mental) in the way of temptation, and simply go forth on a different path that leads to victory.  Nothing else will do if we want to win.  I did not dink around with my diet at all during Christmas and I still was very sick.  Imagine if I had “cheated” on my survival diet.  I would have not been able to visit with family for three consecutive days, cook for several hours at a time, and enjoy a delightful time of fellowship.  Sure I “crashed and burned” around 8:00 p.m. each night.  The sacrifice was worth the reward that was available to me.  The reward was greater this year than last year at Christmastime.  That’s cool.

From here the journey ahead is unclear.  I will continue the treatment approaches I have described above yet do not know yet if any new medical approaches are warranted.  I have an upcoming appointment with my Lyme and mold-literate medical doctor where we will review the difficulties I have had functioning these past two years.  There’s another functional medicine clinic of interest that is 3-hours away . . .   We sure will be praying for direction about all of this in the new year.  Wherever the path leads I know the Lord is already there.  I welcome His plan for my life that has created more joy than I ever could have imagined on my own.  If that joy must come through serious illness then I would not want it any other way.  Really.  I’m just believing what He tells me, you know.  Picture me and Steve in an outrigger canoe along a sandy beach somewhere warm . . .   Yes, I can picture it  . . .

Proverbs 3:5-6
Proverbs 3:5-6