And so goes the rhyme of 9 year-old boys and their older sisters! It’s a little funny and a little sad for me right now. It’s like our waiting for answers in the next step of my treatment process that is wearing heavily on my beloved, Steve, and me. The stress is crushing. We cannot do much but endure the next few days until the next consultation. I am having to puree foods to keep the chewing motion of my jaw from triggering convulsions. And still they happen on their own regardless. This keyboard is my closest friend tonight. Thank you for being here. You are:
Sometimes I am not quite sure why I am crying, this late in the game. I’ve been here before, I know my Heavenly Husband is in charge, and I haven’t died no matter how severe the symptoms have gotten. My husband and I have seen the Lord work amazingly through this illness. New skills have come, I am grateful to have met you Gentle Reader, and by the grace of God we have overcome tremendous trials together. Healing is on the horizon with a new treatment direction . . . I even have my own company on the drawing board to fulfill my entrepreneurial dreams. So how can I possibly be sad?
I am sad because it is normal to be sad when suffering. I am sad, grieving if you will, for all of the losses even if it was good to let some people, places and things leave my life once again. I am sad that Steve and I had to lose so much to gain so much goodness. We almost missed “it” so many times! I am glad that we are more in love now than ever before and it came though an extremely difficult path. No longer do I ask the questions “why” and “what if?” More often my question is “when?” When will this hell be over?
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Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1)
Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. (Colossians 3:2)
For God has not given us a sprit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
And let us not grow weary while doing good for in due season we shall reap if we do no lose heart. (Galatians 6:9)
. . . but we also glory in tribulations knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5: 3b-4)
. . . being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel. (Philippians 1:12)
Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory. (Ephesians 3:13)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)
For we walk by faith, not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:8)
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I was hoping that somewhere between copying these lines of scripture and writing this blog that I would feel better. Well, not yet! When all else fails, I shall crawl up to the cross of my Jesus, place myself at the foot of His throne of grace, collapse in the shelter of His mighty wings, rest in the promise that He is always with me: now and forever. Yes, this is the best place to go after all. Here is where I belong. JJ
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
To receive salvation granted by grace is our greatest opportunity in this life. In accepting this invitation, we will know Who holds our future in highest regard and security. We will then enjoy the freedom to live our lives as God designed, as God intended. Our lives will be meaningful! He gave us so much goodness to enjoy in our lifetimes: enough to encourage us when things are not so good or down right evil. Through it all, with Him, we can live without fear and are never truly alone. We can live life with abandon! We can love fully and receive the fullness of love from others especially from our Creator. Indeed His gracious gifts mean even more than “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!”
I believe in saving grace and it came despite horrific trials. Many trials. Years of trials. A lifetime of trials. Hey, while my life has not been easy it has not been all bad either. I am grateful for much blessing and my eternal security in Christ Jesus. It is because of the trials that I no longer fear the worst possible outcome: death itself. I have faced death many times. For example, on my own could I ever be free in my spirit after witnessing attempted murder? Abandonment? Poverty? Abuse? Physical pain? Agonizing seizure attacks for years? The answer to all of these is YES I CAN. I can be free and yes I am free in Christ Jesus. With His amazing grace I am also free of the fear of death. With that out of the way, I have a new sense of LIFE and I am exceedingly grateful for it!
Lately I have considered launching a new business. As I pondered the best and worst-case scenarios of starting my own company, a question arose about life and death that is stirring my soul.
What if a customer someday dies because of a flaw in my product or services?
O.k. so you might not be the type who “starts with the end in mind” yet this is where my mind goes more often than I care to admit. In other words, what if either the products of my company or something related to my design or advice are to blame for the loss of life of another human being? That person would be someone’s son or daughter; someone’s mother or father, sister or brother could be gone forever! Someone dying because of me directly or indirectly would be tragic. I would be devastated! Surely my family and employees would be affected too. We might lose the business that we worked so hard to create. Our grief could make it difficult to recover emotionally in the years thereafter. How could our lives go on with the guilt, the pain, the horror, the shame?
There is another, hidden layer to my character that relates to this subject of life and death. It’s a part of me that I have never really understood until now. A handwriting analyst in the 1960’s nailed it down for me when I was a girl struggling to find my way through childhood. Everything in my life at that time had to be just so and if it was not, I was very vocal about it! Imagine a 6-year old kid criticizing the way her teacher was reading a book to her first grade class! After all, Mrs. C was not doing it the way that Mrs. B read books in my kindergarten class and that was not right. I understand that I was sent to the coat closet for such offenses more than once!
I have come to understand that the ability to be flexible, spontaneous, open to new things including CHANGE, comes from an inner sense of security. If at an early age we are 1) affirmed in ourselves, our abilities, 2) believe that the world around us is relatively safe, and 3) there is love and affection to comfort us (from a parent or heavenly Father), then we can deal with the imperfections of life. If any of those three elements are missing then our ability to live outside our comfort zone flounders. We will strive for things to be “black and white” when much of life is simply “gray.” Letting go of control and dealing with the ambiguities of life is easier with the character qualities also known as gifts of the Holy Spirit: patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Further, the gifts of peace, love, and joy will follow for the mature believer in Jesus Christ who can live in the world just as it is. A controlling person is told to somehow, “grow up and smell the roses.” I have found that this is impossible without the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. Who knows what growing up means anyways?
At one time, deep in my character I did not care about the things that I should. For me in the past, having a severely controlling nature went beyond my birth order as the oldest in both of my parent’s families! (Bossy sister? Yeah, I heard that one more than I care to admit.) There was a disconnect that went deeper. At the core of my character I knew that I could harbor hate, malice, distrust, anger, jealousy, and much more ugliness than I care to disclose. Somewhere in my unrepentant gut was a self -centeredness that put myself above all others in such a sick way that I might not care if another human being got harmed around me. This is a horrible quality to have. This is the consequence of woundedness. This is the result of growing up without the safety and security needed to fully bond to the human race. This also made me feel profoundly alone.
At it’s core, I believe that my disconnectedness ultimately did not come from me. I believe that this kind of strife comes from our sin nature that is part of the human condition; I just got a boost in the wrong direction in the form of a largely unhappy childhood. What I would do with all of that was up to me when I was introduced to the plan of salvation through our redeemer Jesus Christ. We are all born with the propensity to sin until truly loved and trained away from it. Just watch a 2-year old rip a toy out of the hand of a younger sibling! Yes, even a darling 2-year old has a sin nature!
Jesus came to earth to re-connect us to our heavenly Father by washing away our sins with His grace. Those who believe in His work on the cross receive forgiveness, a new nature, and the spiritual gifts noted above. Unshakeable peace, love, joy and more come into our lives. Jesus came and through our walk with the Holy Spirit we become freed from the character flaws of our sin nature. This process continues until the day of our death. And deep within our character we can heal and deal with all that is not quite right with our world, growing to become the man or woman He intended for us to be. We can be whole. As we do so, we can fully love one another, forgive those who trespass against us and live victoriously beyond our temptations. We can be free to receive much goodness, do many good things.
When someone passes away, a person with a right heart grieves the loss. Jesus showed us this tender quality when His friend Lazarus died and at the cross. I know that my heart is more full now than ever before as evidenced by my ability to recognize and feel grief when someone dear leaves this life. I feel very sad. I also feel more compassion now than ever before as a result of healing from the losses in my own life. So while I am aware of the character flaw I once carried of depersonalization, I know that the Lord is filling the ugliness of my sin nature with His perfect love. I know that He loves me more than anyone else can ever love me. I feel His love directly and through the people His has placed in my life today. I feel more connected to the other wonderful sojourners in my life than ever before and it is good.
If I start a new company and there is a tragic loss of life or injury for any reason, I trust that the Lord will go before me to guide my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my speech. I pray that between now and that day, should it ever come, that He will grow me in His character so that I may fully love that grieving family or person. Lord help me to do what I can to make things right should a tragedy come to pass. Thank you for breaking the bondage of my past. Most importantly today, help me to design products, services, and educational materials that preserve long and happy lives for others I may serve. May my future customers and employees see Your touch of grace upon my life as it shines through the company I believe you are entrusting to me. May I hold everything gratefully, responsibly, and lightly: ready to carry it or let it go as You desire. You are most important to me, my dear Jesus. You saved me from sin and death for such a time as this . . .
Gentle Reader: shall we start a two step solution together that makes life easier for everyone? Hmmmm. My mother was a gifted writer and my father was an amazing inventor. I have learned much from their skills and abilities. Ah yes, I see a Business Plan coming together.
It’s not like I am planning another wedding or something. I’ve done that twice and twice is enough! If a couple of teeth are missing I just can’t smile or laugh really BIG so the void in my mouth is noticeable. Not that anyone would be looking at my molars anyways! I suppose there are the exceptions for some of you out there . . .
Then my beloved teased me that I might have trouble eating bacon and potato chips. Not! I grew up with a GIANT bag of Better Made potato chips on the refrigerator and a dad who had to have a generous helping every day plus ice cream. When we visited his parents where they lived in the Irish Hills, between the view of the lake and the country kitchen was another HUGE bag of Better Made potato chips on the frig. So if I have two opposing teeth anywhere in the yard then there will be Unsalted Kettle Chips too! And bacon, just because we can.
Don’t you love Facebook? Or maybe you hate Facebook? Perhaps you would love to hate Facebook a little more since it can be such a “time eraser” extraordinaire. Well anyways, I have joined many groups who have the answers to this or that ailment I have faced over the past few years. Recently I joined the “Bottoms Up” group to learn more about digestive health, only to realize that I did not want pictures of worms in feces gracing the screen of my smart phone if I were to check it when dining out somewhere. Yuck! TMI for sure. Delete! The mercury, root canal, mold avoidance, Lyme disease, methylation, candida, etc. peeps have all greatly contributed to my vast brain swell of mixed anecdotal/psuedo research information. There’s a cause and cure for everything right there in my newsfeed. Even business opportunities, rudeness and meanness fit in where pretox/detox really should dwell. But I digress.
These forums have been part of my lifeline too. I have made some sweet friendships with gals who run in the same groups. Members have helped shorten my learning curve and evaluate relevant research, news articles, and success stories. Many folks really do get well! Then they drop out of the group and the rest of us left behind try to figure it all out before we also leave the comfort of the group nest as well. Hey, I won’t mind moving on if I can take a few happy FB Friends with me, eh? Currently they are helping me navigate the potentially painful decision of whether or not to have two teeth with root canals extracted. These puppies may be a source of years of discomfort from hidden infection, possibly contributing to some of my chronic health issues. I am already in the preparation stage of mercury chelation which certainly wreaks havoc in one’s brain and body. Gratefully my brilliant functional medicine Doc is leading the way along with acute spiritual discernment from the Lord and my beloved hubby.
This treatment crossroad is more confusing than some others. Extensive testing has not revealed hard data on the need to extract two teeth (yet it just doesn’t seem like complications of a sinus infection or trigeminal nerve inflammation either). Travel would be needed to a skilled biologic dentist who can meet my needs for extra TLC should we decide to proceed. The requirement for all of this extensive screening became extremely clear this afternoon after a very bad appointment with a recommended, local oral surgeon in a musty office! Bad, bad. Steve and I prayed about all of this as we navigated a particularly rough evening for me tonight, placing our trust again in the Lord to guide us. I’ll make a few more phone calls tomorrow. At least a dear friend gave me the tip of a concoction with cloves to manage the moderate pain in my gums. Cool beans. It worked quite well!
So for now I’ll be eating bacon and potato chips on the right side of my mouth and cutting up other delicacies into small bits so as not to trigger seizure attacks or pain. Thank the Lord for our VitaMix which chops, whips, cooks, and practically washes the dishes for you afterwards! Like teeth, little things can mean a lot to a gal like me. See how good my Jesus is: providing for my every need and heart’s desire too. Avocado-coconut smoothies anyone?
As I close I must profess that through it all God is good. All the time. God is good! JJ
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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