Learning from one’s mistakes is a given for any reasonable person. We must learn from our mistakes or we will sucuumb to foolishness in due time. Learning from the unforeseen negative consequences of a reasonable decision is more difficult yet still a given for any reasonable person. Figuring out how to do this is, well, rarely given!
In the event a reasonable person makes a difficult decision after heartbreaking circumstances leading up the decision, and the outcome is good, we all celebrate. In the event a reasonable person makes a difficult decision after the heartbreaking circumstance and the outcome is not good, we all are either: 1) sad and hang in there anyways or 2) indifferent then simply walk away from the painful truth for a time. And it could be a long time, in my observation. Some folks watching you may never return. When folks have left my life my response has wavered from “let them go” to “seeya next time.” Both are the same really and have served to preserve my ego, my character.
How I feel about the good or bad of the total circumstances must not drive who I choose to be. In other words my identity must not become destroyed by the mistake, the misfortune. My character must remain fixed on the fact that I am who Christ has made me to be. He knows me, love me, leads me, and will be there whatever the outcome of a situation may be, long before I ever know about it. So using the insight of John Maxwell and applying it to my ramblings this April Fool’s Day, no matter what may come I must go forth with wisdom. The best source of wisdom is the Bible and the words of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Here’s some I like today:
10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”Job 2
7 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.Psalm 139
8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1
6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;Philippians 1
Well cool beans. Now that I have settled the matter at least in my own mind, I will put my feelings of foolishness aside. I mean, how could I have known that a painful, expensive dental procedure that I had researched for 9 months would only get rid of wretched convulsions for a couple of days? Holy cow. Or is it holy crap? Crapolaski? (I’m Polish dontcha know.) Of course right away I wanted to share my joy with the online world and posted the news everywhere! You are my peeps these days, my tribe during these years of relative isolation.
So there you go: the truth. My “Hope Beyond” must remain in the Lord Jesus Christ and not in my circumstances. He will use this for His glory: the good, the bad, the ugly. My character remains despite my misfortune, despite my weakened and pained frame. And this Sunday I will rejoice with 2 fewer root-canaled teeth the promise we Christians remember at Easter. Christ is risen and He will come again in glory! On this we can be certain. As for my situation, I probably just need more time to heal these fried nerve endings.
It is still a beautiful day outside and my garden is coming back to life. Hang tough, Gentle Reader. In due time, I AM GOING TO BE WELL! Just Julie
Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel. Philippians 1:12
I am 2 days post surgical removal of 2 root-canaled teeth and THE CONVULSIONS ARE GONE!!! Yipppeeee and praise the Lord! This 3 years of daily hell for me and my beloved husband, Steve, is finally over!
While there is still much work to do to detox mercury toxicity and re-evaluate chronic Lyme and mold illnesses, I feel more optimistic that I will be able to tolerate those treatments someday. Until this week, I was failing. I was bedridden most every day with convulsive episodes. The grief and impact was huge on everything from our finances to my aching neck. My husband no longer got a full night of sleep and this illness had changed virtually every activity inside/outside of our home. How would Steve find me when he came home from work? Would he have to make me my pureed dinner and feed me again before bed tonight? Carry me to the toilet? Our hearts were weary after 3 years of this living hell.
Nine months ago I began investigating how two sore molars in the upper left section of my jaw might be impacting my health. Four dentists and three oral surgeons, a cone beam CT, MRI, and pano plus regular x-rays later (including a consultation out of State) we had no objective data to guide us. Everything looked “fine.” The teeth had bothered me for over 13 years! Fifteen years ago I had all my amalgam fillings removed but was never guided to chelate for mercury. Were there silver filings containing mercury remaining underneath the crowns over these two teeth? We will never know the answer to that question. My saliva had started tasting metallic. Eating started triggering the convulsive episodes. With Steve’s support, we took an expensive leap of faith and pursued a dental solution.
Additionally, seven weeks before what would become the big day, I started eating only on the right side of my mouth. Two and one-half weeks later I started a pureed diet to eliminate the chewing action that seemed to make things worse; all this was quite a feat since my struggle to get well led me to eat low oxalate, virtually dairy-free, and completely sugar/sweetener-free, gluten-free, and mold -free foods too! Another two weeks later and 1 week before the surgery I noticed that using plastic utensils delayed the onset of convulsions after eating. Even drinking my foods through a straw helped initially then ultimately triggered episodes. I feared eating anything at all! The only problem with that was hunger and thirst could also trigger convulsions or make them worse. I felt trapped!
Three and one-half days before the dental surgery my doctor recommended trying an EMF deflecting device. “It might help” he said, like so many other recommendations I had received all over the spectrum of traditional and alternative medical care. After one such technology (a Rife machine called a Beam Ray) I tried 3 years ago to treat “Chronic Lyme,” the daily tic attacks started. Within a year these episodes would escalate to waking seizure attacks then convulsive episodes lasting 2 to 5 hours per day. We had tried to shield me from wireless technology in our home in the past yet the results were initially helpful then inconsistent. This time the GEOMACK from Spain reduced the intensity of the convulsions 50%. That reduction gave me a tiny boost of strength that I needed to physically and mentally prepare for surgery. My husband got some much needed sleep as well! Could their be an electrical cause after all? (See this blog for more anatomy and discussion.)
The morning of the surgery went as usual. Convulsive episodes began shortly after opening my eyes and periodically as we prepared to leave the house. Seizure zips ripped through my hungry and thirsty frame as my beloved drove us to the hospital. We were still reeling from the large check we had to carry with us since the oral surgeon insisted on performing the extractions near a crash cart, I guess. And after some prayers, many silly jokes and one last shake/rattle/and roll with placement of the IV in my arm, the time had come to let go and not look back. We reviewed my situation with the anesthesiologist and oral surgeon, surgical tech, and several nurses. They were not to abort the mission if I seized under anesthesia! Just wait a moment and get the job done.
I’d like to say that I woke up in a calm, blissful state but that simply was not the case. I became nauseous and pain management was a problem over the next day and one-half. Oh well. One thing was certain: THERE WERE NO SEIZURES OR CONVULSIONS! The “battery effect” of dissimilar metals in 2 adjacent crowns over root-canaled teeth WERE FRICKIN’ GONE! No more tazoring of my brain would continue. And hey, if there was hidden infection in the root-canaled teeth then the problems caused therein are now also “history.” The hell is over.
My job now includes retraining my brain to relax when falling asleep instead of bracing for impact. My job now includes remembering all of the relaxation techniques I used to train my patients in psychiatric hospitals to deal with anxiety. I need to rework those memory pathways and feelings of impending doom that followed me, waited for me every night, every morning, every time when I was exposed to noxious stimuli, or even on the clothing or breath of my beloved anytime, anywhere. Hey, no problemmo. I am ready to live and the extended forecast is good!
Thank you and big hugs to those of you who have followed my story for any length of time, You have been an important part of my lifeblood to go on when I could not. Sometimes my husband could not be home with me and I was alone, feeling terrified mostly of even greater suffering and it came. The worst episodes were never captured on YouTube videos because my warrior husband was needed to hold me tightly to keep me from greater harm instead of holding onto a camera. Sometimes the Lord was silent even when I cried out to Him when breathless, facing death again and again when my breathing stopped. When He did speak I gained the courage I needed to face the next trial. In the end, death was not my greatest fear. Dying without my Heavenly Husband was.
But you know what? I made it through. Steve made it through. A new chapter in our lives is about to begin. I’m going to take some time now and regroup. I am very weak. An infusion of my Jesus is needed. The warmest embrace with my beloved must follow. And really good food cannot be far behind. After tomorrow the putty d’ jour will be history! Yeah God!
Pureed Organic Tri-Color Carrots & Cauliflower, Bacon, Organic Beef & Potato Chips, Homemade Broth, and Sea Salt in the Recovery Room!
With love, JJ
But the Lord was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. Psalm 18:18b-19
Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22
UPDATE: The holiday from convulsive episodes did not last, unfortunately. There were many benefits from having these two infected teeth removed: significantly less mouth pain, less congestion in the upper shoulder and neck, decreased TMJ symptoms, decreased auditory anomalies, reduced ringing in my ears, and more. Then there was a miracle: our insurance company covered most of the $10,000 bill. Amazing! :J
Roger looked more like a tall, lanky college student than a young adult with schizophrenia. He was also smart: well-studied as if to be a medical school student long before the days where WebMD could make the rest of us stand out from our peers on a particular topic of interest. There was one problem with Roger’s course of study, however. I met him shortly after what could have been his second fatal mistake.
Roger believed that removal of his liver would cure his schizophrenia. Yes, truly, and he would talk about it with a straight face in earnest to his psychiatrist. Roger had poured over medical books, secured all the tools and supplies of a typical surgical suite, and attempted a procedure at home in the past. When he could not control the bleeding at some point during the procedure he called the paramedics and was rushed to a local hospital. They patched him up and transferred him to the mental health unit where he stayed until his psychiatric medication could be “adjusted.”
Within a short time after discharge Roger re-doubled his efforts. He gathered more supplies for a second attempt at a total liver resection. Somehow he never read that the liver is a vital organ and that he would die if he ever succeeded. And who knows where he found sterile drapings, forceps, lancets, and such in the days long before Amazon and Medline? What he did not expect the second time was the intolerable pain he would experience as he got deeper into his surgery. He was alone and got scared. Again he called the paramedics, was hospitalized, and landed on the mental health unit.
I worked as an occupational therapist on that unit with the even lower functioning clients than Roger. While he was not one of my patients, his notoriety was the talk of the nursing station. What incredible bravery it would take to operate on oneself with what, a handheld mirror? I mean, how exactly did he do it? I think I recall that he was discharged to a residential facility after his hospital stay in an effort to preserve his life lest he make a third attempt. The delusion that excision of his liver could cure his mental illness was simply too strong to believe that he would ever give up his theory until he died trying to make it so.
And so here I find myself four days before my own surgical procedure, banking on a theory that excision of two teeth will save my own life. Have I too succumbed to the “Roger effect?” When contrasted to sick thinking, we all like to think that ours is different. After all, I have done my research and can find clinical and anecdotal evidence that what I have asked an oral surgeon to do will cure the worst of my ills. Dr. R doesn’t agree with my suppositions (a biologic dentist did!) yet is willing to proceed to diminish years of dental pain AND after having required extraordinary precautionary measures! Lord willing all will be completed on Thursday, March 26th: my spirit will no longer be crushed with the virtual hell that has left me bedridden most days. (See this blog for details: http://justjuliewrites.com/2015/03/01/only-my-potato-chips-remain-crushed-today/)
Looking back to my days working in mental health I realized that I have come a long way in my view of the world. Today I am more willing to ask the tough questions of life than in the past. I see that I am not so different from many of the patients who landed in a “psych ward.” By the grace of God I did not have to be admitted or committed when my despair exceeded my ability to cope. Somehow the Lord provided the hope, the help, the peace to carry on until the day when the pain was no longer unbearable. Gratefully, much emotional pain has left my life for good. Much joy has taken it’s place even in the face of this horrible illness. My internal joy is no longer measured by my circumstances; He has allowed me to overcome immeasurable desperation. I believe that things will begin to turnaround this week. This week people!
If he is still alive today, I do hope that Roger has found some peace with his struggles. Wherever you are today dear one, I pray these words from the Lord for you and your loved ones. Sometimes letting go of that one thing that got away in our lives is the very thing that brings us to all that we seek: the joy that passes all understanding.
John 16:33 (NIV)
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Check out this clearance offer of EIGHT Breast Cancer Awareness bracelets from my most popular styles! The last wholesale lot only lasted 1/2 day so be sure to place your order quickly!
This blog began as I started treating my own serious illness as Chronic Lyme disease. While the journey has taken many different diagnostic twists and turns since then, I am grateful to have met along the way many wonderful people battling this terrible disease. Making Lyme disease awareness bracelets kept me sane in those early days of illness and when first launching my online jewelry business: Trinity Jewelry by Design.
I am now closing the Lyme disease awareness section of my jewelry business to focus on other projects. Eleven very cute and pretty bracelets are now available at 60% savings for your fundraiser, gifting, or other Lyme awareness activities. Could they be sweet for St. Patrick’s Day coming up this week? You decide. Below is a sampling of the styles available in this package deal. For more information, head to my online shop at: Trinity Jewelry by Design Lyme Closeout Sale.
Take care, Gentle Reader, and thank you for your support during this wonderful season of TJ by D. Just Julie
Jesus is for the Wounded 
You must be logged in to post a comment.