The Lie that Never Sleeps

Not much over the course of a chronic illness wreaks havoc on your ability to cope, like discouragement. For me this came on Christmas day of which I spent half of sleeping or passed out. Was it from too much spiked eggnog? I think not. Succumbing to unconsciousness is involuntary in the “post-ictal” period of a convulsive episode. Yes, still dealing with that Gentle Reader along with the familiar foe of discouragement. At least the latter dynamic doesn’t stick around very long anymore.

February will mark a full year since the discovery my lead toxicity per bone lead testing. Most sojourners of chronic illness venture at some point into testing for heavy metal toxicity. I did so in 2013 via blood, hair, and urine testing from a few different companies and ordered by a few different Doctors. Chelation and detoxification protocols subsequently yielded impressive reductions of both kinds of mercury without a significant correlation of improvement in clinical symptoms. I returned to the detox protocols periodically over the past 10 years; having clean binders to use when exposed to a new toxin in my environment has been a very helpful tool to have and process to know. I am grateful for the knowledge and experience.

Flash forward to earlier this year when the Lord showed me that I had been exposed to lead in my childhood and that this might be something to address specifically. I would come to understand that blood testing for lead shows acute or recent exposures, not ones from years ago. Only bone lead testing will show latent exposure and the body’s way to deal with it is by storing Pb in one’s bones. So where or how does one get this tested? My research yielded two places to contact in the United States, one at an integrative medicine clinic at John Hopkins Hospital in New York and another possibly by researchers at Purdue University in Indiana. The latter had tested children poisoned a few years ago in Flint, Michigan and West Chicago but would they test me? I contacted an Assistant Professor from the bio of his published research which led to an email, a phone call, and a long car ride to his laboratory in West Lafayette, Indiana. Dr. Aaron Specht had one of the few handheld XRF Fluorescence devices in the country and offered me pro bono testing. What a fascinating experience!

My bone lead was high. Bone lead can be elevated for many adults of Baby Boomer age and older from marked exposures in the environment of our childhoods: leaded gasoline and paint. Lead was removed from both by the 1970s but not before wreaking their havoc on the generations poisoned by them. An Aunt recently told me that we were likely also affected by pollution from steel and manufacturing plants in what is called the downriver area of Detroit, not many miles from where we all grew up. But the kicker for me was the home of my childhood. Every day from birth until I went away to college was spent breathing secondhand smoke. Cigarette smoke contains many toxins, not the least of which are lead, cadmium, arsenic, and mercury. (Further mercury toxicity for me came from a mouthful of amalgams and weekly consumption of tuna fish!) Then there were about three years when my Dad and his teenage employees used lead solder in our basement for his business rewinding slot car motors. I remember watching the smoldering lead up close, playing with the rolls of lead, chasing mixed metal shavings with magnets, and thinking nothing of it at the time. No one did.

My Dad was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, likely Schizophrenia, Paranoid Type, during those years in the late 1960s. He would later contract Parkinson’s Disease. We don’t have a family history of either of those; both can be correlated with heavy metal toxicity in the research literature. My Dad’s longest employee, a teenager named Billy, also developed a psychotic disorder but it was shrugged off at the time as related to his drug abuse. Probably so. He later committed suicide. Flash forward a few decades and I am the only surviving member of my immediate family who all lived for years in that house, all deceased due to various medical conditions. I still wouldn’t make a correlation for me between heavy metal exposures and serious health issues, even with an objective finding of high bone lead, until the Lord showed me a timing clue: the Convulsion Disorder started around the time of menopause and a diagnosis of both osteopenia and osteoporosis. I was losing bone with the drop in estrogen associated with menopause; lead displaces calcium and is stored in the bones often for decades as the body’s own protective mechanism. Studies have shown elevated bone and blood lead for women with certain difficulties during all stages of menopause and this can include onset of seizures.

Shortly thereafter I began a course of chelation with various types and forms of EDTA. Turns out that after some concerning side effects that I would need to switch to calcium disodium EDTA which Dr. Charles Beck had compounded for me. After 6 months and consultations with several different Doctors, I was still struggling. “It can take a year” they told me, for the natural process of bone re-modeling and chelation to make any difference. Then I remembered a compound I had discovered in 2013 that had unique properties to bind heavy metals, most notably mercury then lead, but was no longer readily available. OSR#1 had been removed from the market by the FDA despite phenomenal success forming strong bonds with heavy metals and chelating it without side effects. I did more research. One blogger said she had a legitimate source for the original compound, not the imitation supplement sold in Europe, that was now made by a new company who sold it as a water purification product. Downside: it’s extraordinarily expensive! The new owner of the company producing what is now called by it’s chemical name, NBMI, was a retired Dentist and former president of the major professional organization that trains dental professionals in biologic dentistry (aka mercury-free dentistry). I’ve been using NBMI for 4 months now and have had remarkable breaththroughs in my worst symptom: daily convulsive episodes after eating a full meal. Holy cow, a real and welcome change at last!

So Lord willing in February, my beloved Stevers and I will head back to see Dr. Specht to re-test my bone lead level. Will there be change? Will there be an explanation for why I have had a series of severe side effects during the chelation process with EDTA then NBMI? (Examples: four types of mouth sores at once at the same time as two skin conditions, one of which was shingles. Yeah, December has been pretty rough.) Was there still mercury lingering in my tissues despite testing suggesting levels were low and now NBMI is binding and chelating all of it? Can the body hold lead in other tissues over the years besides bone? What is the association between convulsive episodes and eating a full meal for crying out loud? Could lead toxicity and possibly lingering heavy metal toxicity in general explain my rap sheet of literally 200+ diagnoses over the past 13 years of serious illness? In truth, I may never know the answers to any of these questions. The setbacks are incredibly discouraging, disheartening, devastating. The road to recovery or some semblence of it just seems to get longer with more potholes. The “ROUGH ROAD AHEAD” sign seems more like my experience than anything else. But as long as it’s not the “ROAD IS OUT AHEAD,” there is hope, right?

Forgive me Gentle Reader, for this long blog and update of sorts. If you’re still reading this, thank you and I want you to know that I haven’t given up yet and neither should you! Please don’t give up on either of us getting answers when it seems like one more thing is going wrong. Neither of us is at the end of our road yet, right? The road very likely can be repaired or go a new way instead that ain’t all bad. As long as we can do a little that is good each day then a little is what we shall do. We’ll do more when we can as unto the Lord. As long as there is a little hope for a better tomorrow then going forward with a positive expectation for same is what we shall do. The God we celebrate on Christmas day is the symbol, author, and Master of the good that is to come for those of us who believe that Jesus came to save you and me. We shall overcome the discouragements of this day, this life as promised in His Word. Get with Jesus and let the leading of the Holy Spirit see you through it all. He loves you so Gentle Reader. Always. JJ

suicide, discouragement, Christian, Jesus, God, Chronic illness, lead, toxicity, heavy metal, mercury, testing, bone lead, Lord, faith, hope, Romans 5

The Aftermath

When another healthcare faux pas takes the life out of my weary stride

It’s easy to give up or rather give in to a despair that never leaves.

Then a new day comes and I have a decision to make

Even if that day begins much later than planned.

I AM sad. No doubt legitimately so

From the treatment I received,

Or rather did not.

Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

It’s hard.

I’m only human and in my own strength I cannot do this over and over again.

Thank the Lord that you are with me on my bed of sickness every time

Weeping over the trials, the suffering of your child

Promising that one day all will be perfectly well.

I just gotta hang on, hang tough, and trust

‘Cause the journey won’t be wasted

The rewards will be the best ever

When I see my Jesus’ face

My wings flying free.

For all eternity.

Yes indeed!

Is it enough to have overcome the dearth of trials that pain us so in this life?

That’s a question only answered with faith that comes from our Lord.

Our own strength will never be enough. The days are just too evil

Acceleratingly so Gentle Reader. Do you see it too?

Waste no more time wondering just BELIEVE

Get into your Bible right now, go, run!

Our just God’s Word will ring true

On redemption, wondrous glory

As we take rest in His grace.

Today. Join me there.

It is enough and so

Very good too.

After all.

A new answer to another question I did not ask

Life never ceases to be an adventure if that is the perspective you choose.

Perhaps an underlying theme of the Hope Beyond blog when it began would have been, “the plot thickens.” Or “deadens.” Flash forward about 7 years since my first blog in August of 2012. At my current stage of recovery from serious illness and a turn for the better-but-not-done-yet, I’m going to attempt the theme of “a new adventure awaits.” How is that for positive thinking?

A little trellis project almost 11 years in the making gets completed this weekend! Yay God!

I haven’t written in awhile. Since March of 2019, there are more moments of functioning better each week and I am taking advantage of them. There are also more very long naps of which I am forced to take advantage as well! The the new direction in my healthcare of getting off of thyroid medication created some problems then had an unexpected turn when parathyroid issues were discovered. My labs in both and related camps are all over the place, making for a Peter Faulk’s, Columbo-style of in-depth investigation raise more than one eyebrow of intrigue. Could there be another causative factor to consider in the convulsive episodes, requiring its own investigation? Yes, it appears so. Sure could be possible that the thyroid nodules, albeit shrinking, hid parathyroid tumors that are additional culprits in serious illness. Both hyper/hypothyroidism AND hyperparathyroidism can explain my clinical presentation. It appears that I am dealing with both. Who knew?

Well the Lord knew all along, the factors and their purpose for a nearly 8-year derailment in life as I once knew it. I am beginning to see that everything I have learned to date has NOT been wasted. I would not be able to respond as quickly to new information if there were still dozens and dozens of other medical conditions to rule out or address. I would not have a deep compassion for those suffering chronic illness today. My faith would be weaker and very likely my marriage. I could go on.

Very few folks have had as many medical tests that I have had, even in the community of persons dealing with chronic illness. Some folks stop after medical professionals label you with depression or anxiety. And if a person persists with extensive testing, very likely it’s peppered with questionable, even dangerous energy techniques akin to quackery. Thank the Lord that I didn’t spend very much time with energy medicine. He let me see the demonic influences and/or lack of science then helped me get away quickly thereafter (e.g. Rife treatment using sound and light frequencies hurt me badly.) Other times my Jesus simply closed the door to a promising yet deceitful avenue even before I was tempted to get near it (e.g. tai chi and yoga). This was very difficult at times when I felt desperate in my personal hell or conversely, when the testing and treatments were recommended by my brothers and sisters in Christ. I simply had to decline with blind faith even if that decision appeared to prolong my suffering in their eyes. Very tough road indeed.

Today I welcome the new answers with more of a sense of adventure than fear. Will I need neck surgery if a parathyroid adenoma is discovered? We are not sure yet. My labs don’t fit the typical profile and I have been in that camp dozens of times before. But when 1) both cardiovascular AND osteoporosis can be related to both thyroid and parathyroid anomalies and 2) calcium trafficking/dis-regulation problems can contribute to neurological symptoms, then it seems logical that both would need to be addressed. Incredible. Separate body processes in which anomalies can be the root cause of disease in the 2 different organ systems. And to think that this new adventure would have never happened if I had not gone to Mayo Clinic in February looking for answers about autoimmune disease. But there is no AD. Maybe not even a Functional Movement Disorder. Just another new answer to a question I did not ask. Holy cow! JJ

Psalm 34:8 New International Version (NIV)
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

Twas the morn of endo

Twas the morning of endo

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Not even a louse.

The kind buried deep inside

The caverns of thy bowel

Who knows what’s it’s name

To be extricated via trowel.

I digress to my gardening

Terms instead of “incision”

For to bear more pain, discomfort

Is not something I can envision.

So to sleep, aye to dream

Via chemistry or exhaustion lo

We soon will have answers

Perhaps by time of ho, ho, ho!

Will this be a blessing

In disguise as gone before

Suffering giving birth to hope

We shall pray as inside goes the scope.

For H. Pylori messes the axis

Of the gut with the brain

And causes problems like mine:

Seizures on top of stomach pain.

Could this be the work of the Lord,

The prayers at once coming true?

Oh heck at least the deep snooze

Will be sweet on this Tues.

The Chips Under the Bed

They should be alright after about a week in the heat, right?  Ugh.

Usually when “the bus driver” and I come home from a camping trip, we empty the travel trailer of all food that very night.  Of course it may be 3 in the morning but it all comes out nonetheless.  Not this time.  This time was very different.  The unopened bags of chips are still in the storage compartment underneath the bed and we have been home for SIX DAYS!  Gratefully the ants on the driveway have not found them yet!

I really don’t know where to begin to tell the story of our attempt to bring a family member here from out of State to visit, to maybe live with us.  This was a huge undertaking for all three of us:  a journey that began over 6 months ago that was actually cancelled the first time around.  Perhaps it will be best to unpack the situation in a few blog posts over time as I begin to recover from what was largely a failure.  But there is good news:  my Aunt is healthier, stronger, more mentally sharp, conversant, happier, and overall functioning significantly better than when my hubby, Steve, and I picked her up in Florida 8 days ago.  As for me, not so much.

Last night was one of the most horrific scenes of recent memory.  After a total of 12 hours finally getting some errands done with a late night Doctor appointment too, I had the most frightening convulsive episode imaginable.  My threshold of reactivity had been plummeting with each passing day that my Aunt was travelling or living with us.  We had taken extreme mold avoidance procedures and she was wearing all new clothing that I had specially prepared for her.  Her belongings from Florida were cleaned and secured in plastic storage bins in our garage; only doubly-freezer-bagged supplements and medication were in the house in a remote closet.  She lived in an inadequately  maintained and moldy living environment laden with the fragrances that most women like.  We took extreme measures with her stuff but never considered the detoxing of her body to be the toxin most noxious to me; her skin scent reflected several different problems beyond hygiene and no amount of bathing or washing of linens/clothing was helping me fast enough.  I crashed fast.  She, on the other hand, (in our very clean and climate-controlled home with exceedingly healthy meals, rest, and loved ones nearby) quickly regained skills and energies she had lost in the past year.

I was unpacking groceries from our local Meier when an odd feeling hit me.  The warning signs that I learned to recognize in the past when at my sickest with this complex/biotoxin illness had changed.  The odd symptoms ramped up so quickly into involuntary full-body shaking episodes that I barely had a time to get to a safe position to prevent injury.  These kinds of episodes are very dangerous!  So I was standing in front of a counter filled with plastic bags of groceries when my eyes drew in to close and all I could do was kind of lean-and-cling to the edge of the refrigerator as the convulsions began.  They went on and on for at least 20 minutes until my husband would discover me and carry me to the bedroom.  The repetitive oscillations injured my spine from one end to the other.  I could not move my body and was terrified of falling.  Trying to relieve the cramp in my right calf triggered a rebound, a worsening of the episode.  I just held on . . .

Things were no better once lying down.  The involuntary shaking traumatized my neck and my body temperature began to drop.  I could not speak when I needed to and breathing was difficult.  Time either stood still or passed along quickly, I have no idea which one.  I couldn’t even cry out my angst until much later.  Then the visual anomalies began of swirling shadowy circles on the ceiling of our bedroom.  Steve left and returned a couple of times as he tried to help figure out just what caused this and more importantly, what to do to make it stop.  He sniffed my clothing and found them to be musty.  That discovery pointed to my hours trying to get special requests for everyone at the grocery store — a water-damaged building that was problematic for me before their remodeling.  I guess it is still a problem!  My Beloved removed my soiled clothing and the amplitude of the shakes lessened.  But by then the weird, demonic-like writhing and vocalizations had already begun.  It is terrifying to endure this hell.  I prayed for the Lord to take me.  I searched for the white lights but did not find any.  Three hours went by before I could function again . . . what was left of me, that is.

Repeated biotoxin exposures had lowered my threshold of reactivity.  I was at the lowest point, last night, after doing significantly better these past 5 months.  Looking back it all makes sense:  cumulative exposures began when helping my Aunt for five hours on each of two days to do laundry and then pack for this trip in her moldy State of Florida.  It rains there every day now and she has had water damage in her condo several times without remediation.  I wore a charcoal mask during our time there but the conditions were still unbearable.  (Even Steve agreed and had some symptoms.)  Have you ever had to wear a mask in 90 degree heat and humidity while doing physical and emotionally exhausting work?  I had a stress rash on my chest, at least 12 irritated mosquito bites, soreness from dental adjustments from my Craniomandibular Specialist in town, and to deal with a cognitively impaired and severely anxious family member who still struggles in facing her brain disease.  The process was exceedingly painful, frustrating, exhausting.

In another post I will outline the procedures that we used to attempt to implement extreme mold avoidance to be able to care for a family member in crisis.  We simply could not leave her in Florida any longer.  For today, I am grateful that I did survive last night because I got to see a miracle in action.  No, it’s not only the organic lime corn chips that are alright tonight.  I am completely exhausted yet stable and have not had any episodes since she left our home around 10:00 p.m. (and I cleaned, tossed bed linens and other things out of course).  This is the first time I have been stable in 4 nights.  The miracle is that when I was able to get out of bed at 5:00 p.m., my Aunt’s friend from Michigan had arrived and was sitting with her on our patio outside.  Well hello Dean!  He was offering to drive her back home to Florida.  While I disagree with many aspects of this arrangement, I was in no position to decline a solution that could help stabilize me:  her now former caregiver in crisis.  She left with him after some dinner, some packing, some very sad goodbyes.  Our visit wasn’t supposed to end this way!

Aunt Lori with Dean at Dinner 7.12.18

Looks like the chips and me are going to be fine in a little while (as the bags are still out there in the Camplite in the driveway).  Steve is grateful for the possibility of a full night of sleep.  We shall recover.  I am grieved that things didn’t work out with my family member and for the torture I had to endure trying to care for her.  I am glad that we could give her the gift of renewed health; that I discovered where I am at with this ongoing illness; and that our Lord is there to carry us, to act, to make His presence known no matter how hot things get in our lives.  Please join me in praying for my Aunt.  Dean won’t be staying with her very long and . . . I had to let her go from our care.

JJ