Tag: Prayer

Spring and Fall

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

DSCF8784My body will tell you tonight:  it’s quite an accomplishment to finish our Spring and Fall yard clean up projects all within 24 hours!  Whaaat?  Such is life these days.  All completed just in time for the long soaking rain storm outside my window as Winter approaches . . . the maiden tulip bulbs are going to be real happy in their new home!

I am exceedingly grateful to be functioning somewhat better despite the ongoing noxious episodes that occur most days.  Then there were two noxious-free “holidays” within the past four days.  THIS IS HUGE GUYS AND GALS!  I haven’t had more than a one-day break per week since living in the hotel at the beginning of the year when we were remediating our home for mold.  Looks like the IV magnesium treatments (counted #20 today) and sugar/sweetener-free cholestyramine are beginning to work a wonder inside of me.  I am grateful and humbled.

Despite all of this good news for some reason I needed to cry a bit today.  This year has been especially traumatic.  When I’m in one of those hour-long to several-hour-long episodes my ability to think and reflect is gone.  My mind is blank.  No processing occurs of what is happening to me.  I have heard patients with dementia describe his or her mind this way.  There just aren’t any thoughts.  Gratefully I do not have dementia.  I often wonder, however, if there will be synaptic damage from the almost 2 years of seizure attacks.  Then again, maybe the neurons just needed a little Spring cleaning, resetting, and the like.  Anyways, I believe that to grieve the loss of my health is, well, healthy.  Perhaps it will pave a comprehensive path to healing?

The end of Psalm 139 reads:

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have heard an application of this passage that it can describe the need to reflect upon and grieve a past trauma as part of a God-honoring healing process.  The Lord knows me and my circumstances in addition to the outcome.  By opening my mind and heart to His merciful grace under the shadow of His wings, I will find rest.   I have prayed many times to “get” the purpose of all of this suffering and wondered if I was “there yet.”  I asked my husband Steve, my God-honoring spiritual leader, if he thought there was anything I was not seeing.  Was there some sin or character flaw that required repentance?  Steve was gracious when asked these questions.  We both saw the little lessons and unexpected blessings that were the “silver lining” to this illness.  We have not become embittered.  We have drawn even closer together and to Christ.  Whew.  Thankfully.

Blogging started as online journaling and has become so much more. I do hope that my writing will be used for God’s glory and point people who are going through serious trials, to the person of Jesus Christ.   To the Gentle Reader out there, you have also helped me find a plan and a purpose for this time in my life.  The process has become as meaningful as the lessons learned.  One lesson learned yesterday:  don’t leave a wheelbarrow full of mulch out in the yard!  Put it under the covered porch.  Six times it got rained on and rained in.  Geez that was one heavy wheelbarrow!

A little humor helps fer shur.  And my Stevers is a great model of the value of silliness in the middle of the crap-o-la-ski.  (You were missing my Polish, I know, so here ya go!)  Thanks for hanging in there with me.  Wish I could hug ya, eh?  :J

From the bathroom mirror

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Psalm 71:  20-22 (NKJV)

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles,

Shall revive me again,

And bring me up again from the depths of the earth.

21 You shall increase my greatness, And comfort me on every side.

22 Also with the lute I will praise You—

And Your faithfulness, O my God!

To You I will sing with the harp, O Holy One of Israel.

*******************

Yes Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer,

My hope and my rest.

Thank you for Your timeless Words.

Thank you for revealing Yourself and Your truths to me this day.

May all who find them come to know you and love you exceedingly.

In Jesus name, Amen.

J

 

 

Brief treatment update

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Here’s a brief update in my continuing adventure of recovery from Lyme, fibro, mold, and whatever:

Saw a new chiropractor for 7 visits and while the treatment got rid of my headaches and increased my overall ability to move, I had seizure attacks every visit!  I finally got word this past week that Dr. N did talk to my LLMD as I had requested.  Still  Dr. N referred me to another chiropractor for more “comprehensive” care.  That did not work out so well.  (See posting from Tuesday!)  I’ll probably go back to Dr. N after a few more magnesium treatments and after I’m able to drive 30 minutes to his office several times per week.

Began treatments of IV magnesium on Friday the 13th; spent the evening with seizure attacks/convulsions followed by 7 hours of tic/seizure attacks into the morning.  Yipes!  Had a better day by the time Sunday came, albeit weak from the previous 2 days.  (Only had one episode that night, on the way home from our Sunday church home group.)  Getting the IVs started has become an arduous, painful process with a minimum of 2 wretched sticks before the RNs find a suitable vein.  What follows on the day of treatment or the day after appears to be a herx reaction or healing crisis of sorts.  This treatment is scheduled to continue for a month; supplemental magnesium is a promising treatment for me despite the difficulties.  I’m praying that the Lord sustains me and that my tender vessels endure it!   Tomorrow I’m going to let them give me the PRN narcotic pain med. with the treatment.  I just need a break from these awful neck headaches that come from the wrenching head-n-neck motion during attacks.  Gratefully, there is improvement with one fewer attack per day, barely a few tics last night and significantly less chest compression pain!  Yes!

Rife or Beam Ray treatments are on hold.  My tolerance for this sound and light wavelength technology was decreasing so it’s on hold for now.

Waiting in the wings is a new round of low dose antibiotics after some lab testing pending soon to rule out a new UTI.  Got lots of itchy, burning, ringing, stinging, stabbing, aching symptoms all over right now possibly flared up by the stress of the IV treatments.  “Rest” is my focus at the moment in my weakened state.  I do make dinner most nights, however!

A neurology appointment is now scheduled for October 1st at the Indiana University Medical Center in Indianapolis.  IU is the go-to place for persons in the Fort Wayne area needing a special consultation.  So to Indy we will go at 5 in the morning.  Hey, if my beloved can take off at 6 in the morning for a kayak race, 5 should be a piece of cake, right?  Gooooo Steeeeeeve!  As for me, well I might still be up from the night before!

Steve and I are grateful for some help with a meal once per week from the lovely ladies at our church.  It seems like the night they bring dinner something bad happens later on, like an emergency room visit 2 1/2 weeks ago.  Their generosity is a real blessing and it sure breaks up the isolation for me when they stop by!

Well that’s the main stuff or at least the news for the masses.  If you wouldn’t mind praying for us that would be great.  My heart is tender for Steve right now because we had to cancel our trip to see his grandson for Jackson Rees’s first birthday and to see some dear friends in South Carolina.  I really need Steve in the evenings when the attacks and physical episodes of collapse are usually quite nasty.  This would be too much for a female friend to handle if a gal was staying with me at night and Steve went out of town by himself.

Steve has travelled alone 3 times since this process of illness began for me nearly 2 years ago.  We have cancelled a trip before but rarely decline local invitations.  Steve just goes to them without me and that is cool with me.  Travelling to Arkansas this past summer was very hard on me despite a couple of nice visits during the 5-day trip.  So to cancel the South Carolina/North Carolina trip is just what we have to do this time, although it’s a bummer.  JR is going to get a big box in the mail real soon!  Anyways, if you wouldn’t mind praying a prayer of sustaining grace (for me) and strength (for Steve) that would be super.  The Lord has helped us and even blessed us.  We are trusting Him and hopeful for all He has in store for us.  (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Take care all,

Just JulieProverbs 3.5-6

When you know you have to make a decision

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

I suppose that each of us has our own process that we go through when we know that we must make an important decision.  Some make lists of pros and cons on either side of the issue, others ask everyone else in their lives for advice, a few go “intellectual” doing exhaustive internet research, and there’s at least a couple of folks who hire an expert to make the decision for them!  As Christ-followers, we are called to submit our will to that of the Father (“thy kingdom come, thy will be done”) for His glory, knowing that it will be for our highest good.  The Father knows best and knows us best, through our personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  This brings peace of mind, confidence in going forward, and hope.  But it doesn’t feel very good in the moment sometimes . . .

The fateful night my former spouse was confronted with having an affair, he denied it then proceeded to blame me for having one!  Unbelievable!  In my shock and horror, I had to make an important decision on the same night that I found out about his affair.  From somewhere inside of me I asked Craig to leave for the night.  He did.  And he never came back again.  Well, I wasn’t expecting that for sure!  Turns out that his personality would change completely that night.  Shortly thereafter, he walked away from virtually everyone he knew, his church, his family, and of course me for a very long time.  I understand now that he has reconciled with some of the parties.

The follow-up decision was more difficult:  the decision to file for divorce.  I wondered how in the world would I support myself in a large city, working part time for health reasons, dealing with two deaths in the family and my mother’s cancer diagnosis, and then losing my job altogether?  From somewhere inside of me I found the truth I needed to take the steps needed to reclaim my life.  The process took dreadfully long and much more heartache would follow before I was finally independent again.  One and one-half years later, I landed in my own place with a new job; I was starting to resurface from the mire, rebuild my life.  Then one more devastating blow followed with a condo fire that required me to become displaced for a few months without most of my personal belongings.  At this point I was completely lost.  Who was I now?  The treasured things that provided comfort during one of the biggest transitions of my life were gone, being ozonized in a warehouse somewhere!  I crumbled into a shell of a person and would never be the same again.

The next big decision to make was:  where to live?   From somewhere inside of me I got the idea to ask the elders of my church for guidance.  My own father was estranged from my family and thus not available and the ideas of friends and family were all over the map, so to speak.  I moved forward with purchasing my own condo with virtually all of my remaining assets and turns out that it was a good choice.  The chaos in my life finally stopped and the most important decisions lessened to paint colors and flooring styles.  I had a blast decorating my new home.  It was beautiful.  Even the balcony became a secret garden getaway with some of my favorite flowers and antiques.

And just when I was telling my single girlfriends how much fun we were going to have in the new year, 2007, I came into contact with Steve.  Two years after the finalization of the divorce, I decided to return his invitation to call him and before long, my life was moving in the direction of Indiana.  Eeeek, Indiana?  Folks in Chicagoland equate Indiana with the dirty industrial town of Gary.  Steve lived in a relatively small town, 250 miles from where I had been living for 23 years.  From somewhere inside of me, I knew that I would be moving to Indiana.  Steve’s history resonated so much with mine it triggered a child-like sense of wonder.  He flew radio-controlled model airplanes and I grew up with all of the men and boys in my family flying their predecessor:  line-controlled airplanes.  Steve cycled and so did Craig.  Steve had been a leader in his church and so had Craig.  The men at church and his sons looked up to Steve and this is where the similarities to Craig ended.  Steve’s character exceeded that of most men I had ever met at any time, of any age.  I may have fallen in love with him before we even met.  We became friends over the phone lines.  From somewhere inside of me I knew that Steve was set apart for me.

As time went on, my process of making decisions would change.  From somewhere inside of me I learned to ask Steve about the decisions in my life as a way of honoring him, improving communication between us, and bringing us closer together.  I learned that it is the Lord’s design for a man to lead his household and his wife as an expression of love, obedience to Christ, and his protection and care for her.  This independent-minded Chicagoland healthcare professional would be transformed into a loving wife who seeks to please her husband as the Lord leads and empowers me to do so.  I am grateful, I am humbled to say that submission to Steve has made me a better person.  Wow.  I am still a work in progress in this regard and that’s what grace brings.

So why did I write this blog anyways?  It is rather shocking perhaps to bare the hairy details of a painful process of divorce and maybe uncomfortable for others to read how the Lord may actually have had a hand in such things to bring about a greater good.  Even the goodness does not cover the pain that can remain until it gets worked out, let go of over an indefinite amount of time.  So many people got during hurt these past 10 years in addition to me, in addition to Steve.  I grieve the loss of family life that Steve’s four children had to endure through the heartache of their own divorce story.  Tis pretty clear why God hates divorce.  He wants to spare us these wounds and give us much goodness through the joys of family life.  In the end, from somewhere inside of us, we must decide to trust Him, know that He is God, know that He loves and knows us intimately, and that “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.”  It is our decision to use that which God allows in our lives to grow us into better human beings, better stewards of His gifts, grace, and promises.  He uses the very hurt that grieves us to bring unspeakable joy if we but bother to recover from that hurt, let go, and keep moving forward until His return someday in glory.

For those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit is that which can move “from somewhere inside of us.”  He is my Heavenly Husband, my first true love who knew me before time began, before I was born.  My decision today is to continue to look to Him for things big and small, following the lead of my earthly husband as well.  If the Lord is faithful in the crises of life, as this blog shows that He has been so exceedingly, He will be faithful in the breath-by-breath wonderings I face today as well.

Ahhhhh.  Such a great reminder from You inside my heart on a wacky Tuesday.  Thanks Lord.

No Worries Here

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul writes, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Our anxiety and worry is distrust and disbelief in God, and it weakens us for His service. The Word tells us that we are to pray about the things that are troubling us, giving us anxiety, or weighing heavily on our hearts. Make these requests known to God.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) This is the peace of God; knowing that He is sovereign and that He cares for us, that we have been reconciled to God because of what Jesus did on the cross, and we have the hope of heaven and enjoyment of God forever. This peace will keep our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.” Isaiah 26:3  (from Patrick Klein and the online newsletter of Vision Beyond Borders, June 28, 2013).

These are my hopes and prayers of today, to keep me focused on that which matters most.  The relatively little stuff of my Sunday cannot compare to the riches in heaven, the rewards of the faithful, the promise of eternity with the Lord Jesus Christ.  Translated in Julie terms:  the noxious stuff will pass.  This is but a season of trials.  And so I pray:

“I lay these at Your throne of grace my King for your care, mercy, and grace.  I trust that You see me.  I trust that You hear me.  I trust that You care for me on my bed of sickness (Psalm 41:3).  I trust that You are my strength when I am weak and will sustain me, prepare me for the tasks ahead (Psalm73:26).  I trust that you will guide my beloved husband and me in Your ways to fullness of joy (Psalm16:11).  In these promises I rest.  In Christ’s name, amen.