pain – Page 8 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Where have I gone?

Published on January 1, 2014January 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Sometimes I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I have used many words for myself such as Julie Anne, Recovering Type A, Recovering Catholic, Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Jul, Child of the King, Snookums, Just Julie, and Booberry. Many other labels inside my head will not make it to this blog as they are unkind and reflect the stinking thinking that was an outcome of my childhood. While I have come a long way there is still so much to do!

My biggest challenge these days is having some kind of identity when my world is smaller; there is less going on. I am sick a lot of the time. I am isolated most days. I go fewer places, see fewer people, engage in fewer activities, and generally do less than at any other time in my life for longer than any other time in my life. Whilst engaging in various activities a person engages in various roles that comprise one’s identity, for example: friend, church goer, Master Gardener, sister, sister in Christ, kayaker, exercise enthusiast, and so on. All of the roles that I have mentioned have severely diminished for me in the past 2 years because of a serious illness. I do not know when this will change. The tendency is to ask the question, “where have I gone?”

I really miss my life before illness. Sure it wasn’t perfect. I still had chronic pain, went to the doctor and had some type of treatment for pain a couple of times per month, and limited my work schedule to a maximum of 30 hours per week. But I was also the most physically fit I had been in my entire life, had the greatest financial freedom that I have ever had, enjoyed rewarding work as an occupational therapist with a flexible schedule, and went to lots of neat places with my amazing husband. My mind was sharp, my confidence was growing, and I felt really loved. Things are more mushy now. Most of the time I feel lost. I am not even convinced I have the correct diagnosis or treatment plan. So this translates into the reality that I don’t really know when I will be well again. This is tough stuff indeed.

And yet there are many new activities that have emerged these past two years. While I don’t work in all-things-gardening as much, I did become an Advanced Master Gardener AFTER I got sick. That was an amazing and humbling accomplishment! The Lord gave me the opportunity to explore blogging, learn more about social media, publish an eBook (Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year), learn to make macramé jewelry, and launch an online jewelry business (Trinity Jewelry by Design). I’ve made some amazing friends via a local Lyme Support Group in addition to some compassionate folks online. I have kept a journal for most of my life and now my blog has a growing list of really cool followers from around the world. Talk about humbling! Wow. If only you could see my heart right now, transforming from an identity crisis between the lines of this blog tonight to a woman with a vision. You do that for me, Gentle Reader, guided by the Holy Spirit. Thank you for listening as this gets worked out within me . . .

If we were to examine the experiences of my life, we would probably agree that I have had a life that has been harder than most. Over and over again I have had to find Little Julie then Jul and Just Julie amidst a firestorm of hurt, loss, and strife. I have come to understand that the Lord has had His guiding hand, loving arms, and protective wing around me all along where the good people and perks of life were missing. He has allowed the trials and tears to bring me closer to Himself, to help me to see beyond the circumstances around me. The Lord has shown me that the bad stuff was not wasted or intended to hurt me. The Lord wants me to be complete and allows all this to conform me into the image of Christ. I pray that I will not lose heart during the refiner’s fire. I pray that I will see His blessings soon as I have seen so many times in the past. I just gotta hang on a little longer, let Him carry me a little more.

Where have I gone? I am in another wilderness experience like Moses and the Israelites of the Old Testament who wandered in the hot, dry desert for decades wondering if they would ever be “there yet.” I must keep my eyes on Jesus: the light that leads and the cloud that blots out the forces of evil that taunt my doubts, fester my feelings of inadequacy. It just doesn’t matter anymore where I have gone. What matters now is where am I going?

Happy new year, Gentle Reader. Will you go with Him too in 2014?

Today

Published on December 30, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Hell on Earth

Published on December 17, 2013December 19, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

I was reminded listening to the words of a friend the other day that not everyone believes that there is both a heaven and a hell. Funny how choosing to believe something doesn’t exist, does not mean that it in fact does not exist! If the source for ultimate truth is the Bible, the very representation of God Himself, then this is the place for us to turn on such matters. Since I am not a Bible scholar, I will enlist the help of Hank Haanagraf from the Christian Research Institute to shed a little light on the subject:

First, Christ, the Creator of the cosmos, clearly communicated hell’s irrevocable reality. In fact, He spent more time talking about hell than He did about heaven. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5–7), He explicitly warned His followers more than a half-dozen times about the dangers that lead to hell. In the Olivet Discourse (Matt. 24–25), He repeatedly told His followers of the judgment to come. In His famous story of the Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16), He graphically portrayed the finality of eternal torment in hell.

Furthermore, the concept of choice demands that we believe in hell. Without hell, there is no choice. Without choice, heaven would not be heaven; heaven would be hell. The righteous would inherit a counterfeit heaven, and the unrighteous would be incarcerated in heaven against their wills, which would be a torture worse than hell. Imagine spending a lifetime voluntarily distanced from God only to find yourself involuntarily dragged into His loving presence for all eternity. The alternative to hell would be worse than hell itself in that humans made in the image of God would be stripped of freedom and forced to worship God against their will.

Finally, common sense regarding justice dictates that there must be a hell. Without hell, the wrongs of Hitler’s Holocaust would never be righted. Justice would be impugned if, after slaughtering six million Jews, Hitler merely died in the arms of his mistress with no eternal consequences. The ancients knew better than to think such a thing. [“Ask Hank” column of the Christian Research Journal, volume 27, number 1 (2004)]

We read that in hell there will be darkness, eternal separation from God, unquenchable fire, weeping and gnashing of teeth. For all of eternity, a person will never be able to get comfortable or find relief. Wow. All this for turning one’s back on the God of the universe who created each one of us, loves us unconditionally, promises to never leave us or forsake us . . . if we but repent and believe in Him. A reasonable choice I would say given the rewards, given the consequences for not doing so! I opt for the eternal party in heaven with streets of gold and the mansion with many rooms He is now preparing for His own. I trust that many Gentle Readers of this blog have made the same decision for Christ as Lord and Savior.

In the meantime, believers and non-believers alike must live in a fallen world where Satan rules, not God. What? Surely God is here, dwells in the hearts of those who love Him, reveals Himself through the wonder of nature and the blessings He bestows upon us, right? Yes He does. He will not rule, however, until He comes again in glory at His second coming. Until then, we must face the consequences of sin and everything short of the Garden of Eden. At times and increasingly in the world in which we live, we see evil and darkness. Increasingly we see and experience what we might call “hell on earth.” Perhaps you have tasted this yourself. I know I have many times . . . my personal hell plays out every day as I battle a serious illness. Wretched, man.

If you want to make sure you don’t end up in hell, well then I invite you to get connected to the Lord, Jesus Christ personally. While there are no guarantees that you will not suffer in this life, you are guaranteed that you will live gloriously in heaven with your Heavenly Father and believers who have gone before you . . . FOREVER. Now that’s a guarantee that pulls me through any glimpse of hell on earth these days.

All of this is good to reflect on and get straight right before Christmas. After all, the holiday traditions will fade. Christmas presents will break down someday and the fruitcake will live on beyond most of us in a garbage dump somewhere! But even fruitcake will turn to dust eventually. And when it does I know where I will be. I will no longer have seizures, chronic illness, and chronic pain. Everything will be perfect. (Happy sigh.)

How about you?

Pray without ceasing

Published on December 15, 2013December 15, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

¹⁶Rejoice always, ¹⁷pray continually, ¹⁸give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5

The pages of my journal are color coded for quick reference to the various noxious symptoms of this ongoing illness. This system helps when making medical summary documents or answering questions during doctor appointments. It looks like every line has either blue (for headache), green (pain), orange (seizure attacks), purple (nightmares or waking terrors), or red (flu-like sickness) today. Whew! I had planned to write the hairy details directly from my journal for my blog entry today but I think that just mentioning the rainbow of wacky stuff going on is good enough. But don’t worry. I am more stable now. I slept until 5:00 p.m. today with about 1 1/2 hours awake this morning for breakfast and journaling. This is crazy stuff man.

And yet every speck of color and it’s accompanying saga are part of the Lord’s perfect plan for my life. I am sad that Steve has to endure this too. Yet as a believer, to have a wife with a serious illness is part of the Lord’s Divine plan for his life as well. How this works is such a mystery! So for me, if I am to live as Christ then I must take His Words into my heart and allow them to breathe life into my achy body each day. I must pray without ceasing, give thanks for all the goodness that continues all around me, and know that He can use everything for His glory. This is a mighty responsibility. Hope I get it right!

Will this time of illness refine me in some way? Perhaps. I know that in another time of my life, repeated trials softened the harsh edges of my personality. I learned that I have a Heavenly Husband and grew in fellowship with Him. (Oh how I wish every married woman would know the joy of having a perfect partner in life as manifest in the Lord so she could cut her earthly husband some slack a little more often!) I also witnessed the amazing provision of my King in what appeared to me as “upside down and backwards” most of the time. In the end, the pieces of my frazzled life came together perfectly. I even met my knight in shining aluminum (aka the 24-foot box truck that Steve rented to move me from Illinois to Indiana!) who has shown me love like no other person on this earth. The Lord restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) so to speak, and I was set to live happily ever after . . .

When there’s a major turn of events in the life of a believer, chances are there’s also a major opportunity to receive something wonderful that could not come any other way. Who changes his or her personality just because it’s Saturday? No, it usually takes a major train wreck or two for that to happen! Because the Lord has shown me His faithfulness, His heart, and blessings even in heartache, I will continue to choose to lean on Him, wait on Him for all things.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the thing which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These colorful experiences of mine, good and bad are temporary. Thank goodness! Allow me to share with you one more passage that brings this hope home in my heart:

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth. You hall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side. Also with the lute I will praise You — and your faithfulness, O my God! Psalm 71

We have a Heavenly Father who promises to be with us though all of the trials of our lives and redeem them for eternal glory. Come to His throne of grace with me Gentle Reader and bring before Him all your weariness, hurts and pain. He sees them and carries them with us. And one day they will be washed away when either He comes again for His own or we join Him when our time here is through.

If you do not know Him as Lord and Savior of your life, well, you are missing out on perfect peace and so much more. I pray that you will consider following Jesus as Lord and Savior of your life. If you make that decision today, please contact me and tell me all about it. If you rededicate your love for Him, please tell me that too. After all, to reach others for Christ is the main reason why this blog is here. My time of illness and connecting with you today are part of His perfect plan for my life. They just represent more pretty colors for the threads in the tapestry of my life you might say . . .

For the Downtrodden

Published on November 19, 2013November 19, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Having a bad day?

Let the words of the Lord wash over you and see where you land after that. Just took me to a better place. How ’bout you?

Psalm 107 (NIV)

¹Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

²Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, ³those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.

⁴Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. ⁵They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. ⁶Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. ⁷He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. ⁸Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, ⁹for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

¹⁰Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, ¹¹because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. ¹²So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. ¹³Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. ¹⁴He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. ¹⁵Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, ¹⁶for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

¹⁷Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. ¹⁸They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. ¹⁹Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. ²⁰He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. ²¹Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. ²²Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

²³Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. ²⁴They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep. ²⁵For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. ²⁶They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. ²⁷They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits’ end. ²⁸Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. ²⁹He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. ³⁰They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. ³¹Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. ³²Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

³³He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground, ³⁴and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there. ³⁵He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; ³⁶there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle. ³⁷They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; ³⁸he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish.

³⁹Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled by oppression, calamity and sorrow; ⁴⁰he who pours contempt on nobles made them wander in a trackless waste. ⁴¹But he lifted the needy out of their affliction and increased their families like flocks. ⁴²The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths.

⁴³Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.