Coming out of the fog

I just might be coming out of the fog

As I hit the 5 year mark of shroudedness

When some bugs in greenish water back then

Everyday put me under severe, daily duress.

I could sell you a book of

Five hundred blogs and two links

With tales of woe then and now that’ve

Filled webpages as I tried to keep on my “think.”

This forum here, now with you this Autumn night

Kept me sane so the cells in my brain did not go to mush;

While firing wacky-backwards without ceasing at times

For waaaaaay toooo long without hope of a rest with a cush.

Looking back, looking forward

And thinking it over some more,

I see da light coming through darkness:

The kind that stays and covers all.

Tis healing that’s on the brink to stay

If I but finish the course with everything

It takes what it takes and it ain’t over they say

And they’re right, “until the fat lady sings!”

Now I ain’t too fat or that big into musical things

There’s more dirt under my fingernails than bylines

Bits o’ gardening, sewing, medical cooking fills the

Hours not counting Heparin and saline syringes.

No matter anyways, anyhoo, anyhow

It’s just the way it went, the road less travelled by

I will be stronger for it in the end they say (and they know)

In due time, Gentle Reader, with the Lord we’ll one day know why.

JJ

Julie Horney, Lyme disease, get well, recovery, healing, gratitude, end of the road, end of the journey, smiling, woman, park, Rogers-Lakewood
Resting with mask in hand by a scummy lake here in Indiana!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lift me up my Lord

Psalm-23 4

Lift me up my Lord, my King!

Don’t leave me here alone forgone

I am dying inside as one they have abandoned

Despite my attempts to serve, to obey, decaying inside all the while.

There is no reserve

To bring to life anymore

The light left me long ago when wretched darkness

Became the friend I never wanted and never invited to stay.

The desperation drips with tears

The emptiness has no where left for an infill

The days blur meaninglessly from one to the next

The prayers still go unanswered by the God who has always known best.

Grant me some goodness

Oh Lord of my heart, my King

I’m drowning here with no-nowhere left

To Google, to turn, to ask, to keep me going ’til the day You will speak.

Have I not done the things that are set

The ones I thought you showed me to do?

Yet the suffering ramps louder than my screams with each seize

Take me from this hell please oh Master of my heart.  Isn’t it my time?

waiting, wanting, scripture, Bible, patience, trust, suffering, His will

Humbly, I will wait.  JJ

Vampire Diaries 3

“It’s only a day away,”

The curly haired girl would sing on stage

‘Cause the sun did come out “tomorrow”

And that was all that shined over here, alas.

Bedbound once again

I search my mind in wonder:

What penance doth I need to serve?

What sin doeth I need forgiveness?

Thy husband is off on his adventures

And I am here, alone with you

Exasperating in another lost day

Where even the counselor had little to say.

My Lord is silent on such an occasion

Perhaps waiting for me to simply dwell

And know that He is there

Even when I cannot see, feel, or touch His face.

Is this my fate, I ask to the silence around me?

Perhaps it is.  Perhaps nothing will ever change.

I am to rejoice the Scriptures tell me forthright

That must come from grace for my strength fails,

Lest a key drops into my space with some goodness

This day I will simply breathe one nare at a time

(Until the pounding in my head subsides, alas.)

Psalm, psalm 139, 9-10, dwell, peace, Scripture, Christian, strength, darkness

 

 

Vampire Diaries 2

hebrews, Hebrews 13:5, abandonment, promises of God, alone, loneliness, scripture, depression, sorrow, loss, illness, sickness, hope

Tears going up and down a lot this day

On the roller coaster of emotion I find myself on:

Help cometh x2 but test results won’t satisfy

As here I sit with my neck aching all through my brain.

I tried.  I really tried to figure it out and failed.

The symptoms that remain still taunt my peace

Leaving scars, leaving woes, leaving loss behind the hope

And yet my breath prevails so in and out I will also go today

To match the pull of the vampire’s teeth left in my chest wall.

The infusions continue instead of a long-desired break

The bank will love us less, the medical folk perhaps more

Whilst someone’s Mercedes payment will be made

And my saga continues on Big Box Store hamburger.

Hope always seems just one more day out there somewheres

Leaving me here beat up from this morning’s episode of torment

A snuggle with my husband got transformed into caregiving

And more hours were lost in the aftermath once again.

At least my dog seems to understand as she nudges her nose at the leash.  “Can’t we go now?” her soft brown eyes contend.

Relief might come in the mail soon

Or maybe not; it’s hard to tell

So I’ll keep calling on my Jesus for now

His calling card never leaves and never fails any of us anyways. JJ

 

 

Starting Over

Start today and create a new ending

Might be my mantra on this date:

My calendar awash with the death of my phone

Leaving empty spaces in the blocks that measured time.

Oh how I valued my days, my worth by that thingy

When asked to justify this or that,

I could find the day/the hour when the lost hope began

From another closed door once opened with promise, no less.

(Oh why cannot I recall the goodies lain in there too?)

So many files on paper or electronic memory stored away

In my weighty storage that marks thy years, thy self

Perhaps defining who I was over the decades

Including these five years of hell that came to roost.

“But what if I forget?” was be my byline to save

The records of divorce, of deaths, of expertise, of treatments once lived . . .

I suppose I collected hoping to arise somehow better

And yet somehow as my receptacles filled my person emptied too.

Perhaps now is the time to infill on the inside

Not in a black metal coffin with folders numbered by letter

But by character and trust:

That the Holy Spirit within me holds it all in order anyways.

He knows what I will need, where the important things are in His care

When I draw on my Lord’s infinity —

Not the confines of my mind or spaces

Lest I limit my future by my past by carrying too many things.

Yes, let the purging begin.

Let the trusting run faster and freely.

Let the light of hope return even in the faintest of twilight.

Let me start over with a new ending:  this time Divine.  JJ

*****************

Gentle Reader:  This day for us both “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:17-19Niagra Falls, Buffalo, Canadian, falls, rainbow, trusting God