The life I once lived

I’ve taken on a few phrases from others and made them my own over the years, ones that put a bunch of thoughts into a phrase or short sentence.  Not that these would bode well as my epitaph or anything like that mind you!  They just seemed to stick with me.  Here’s a biggie from an old supervisor named Jim.  He was a social worker by training and the director of the inpatient geriatric psychiatric unit where I was contracted to work.  When asked how things were going he would often reply:

“Same story, different day.”

Funny thing is that it was largely true.  On the Generations Unit there generally was at least one person every day screaming non-stop, voiding in an inappropriate location, wandering into another patient’s room unannounced, refusing to eat, refusing to get out of bed, or making up a story to convince him and psychiatrist that he/she did not need to be there.  Yes it was a crazy place.  That’s what you get when the nursing homes send their residents whose behavior can no longer be managed in their facility.  It is also where a depressed little old lady or your suicidal Uncle Pete would go for supportive therapies, meds., daily structured activities, and a round of ECT if needed (aka shock therapy!).  The latter actually worked very well for older adults.  The short term memory loss and massive headache was a major drag for awhile, however!

I worked there as an occupational therapist.  My role was to evaluate the functional level of the patient and assist the team in forecasting discharge plans while providing therapeutic activities.  The goal was always to achieve improved mental status, mood, and functioning for discharge to the least restrictive environment.  That might translate to a person returning home instead of assisted living or remaining in a private room in a nursing home instead of a locked dementia unit.  Sometimes the patient’s goals were reached and sometimes not.  Educating the family on the patient’s needs post discharge was also my role:  an important and sometimes delicate process.  I loved all of it.  I got to apply my skills in standardized assessments, grading activities for the best outcome in lower and higher level cognitive groups, patient and family education, and knowledge of community resources that may be of assistance post discharge.  The two latter skills were collaborated with the unit social workers who also loved working with older adults.  We had a great team back then . . .

I’ll never forget the two weeks that c-diff ran rampant through the unit.  C-diff is short for Clostridium difficile:  an infection of the colon causing horrific diarrhea and inflammation.  It’s a bacterial infection I can now diagnose by smell.  O.k. perhaps that’s too much information?  When virtually all of the inpatients become sick it is only a matter of time before the staff contract the infection as well.  There are just too many common areas in a locked unit that too many people end up touching with a contaminated hand after caring for a patient.  The motto those days was, “please pass the yogurt” or something similar!

Ruth was the best during situations like that.  She was older than me and had been a Certified Nursing Assistant for years.  She could get the toughest old bird to take a shower when he was resisting for days then she would turn around and feed a tender soul in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease bringing out the patient’s long-forgotten smile producing a long-lost twinkle in her eye.  Ruth often told us stories of her pet pot-bellied pig.  Seriously!  The beast weighed a couple hundred pounds but was part of their family, inside the house, potty-trained and behaved like a favorite feline or pup.  I could not imagine it!  Ruth lived in a suburban neighborhood like the rest of us!  Actually more recently while living in a smaller town with Amish homesteads not far away I can now start to imagine it a little better.  It’s still not for me, however!

The life I once lived was in the suburbs of Chicago amongst 8 million other people.  I was married and lived in a townhouse as it was the only affordable option even for two Master-degreed professionals or DINKS:  double income no kids.  We attended a mega church then a smaller Bible church, organized a yearly block party in the court of our neighborhood, and took walks together in regional parks called Forest Preserves.  I enjoyed neighborhood walks and riding my hybrid bicycle (between that designed for road touring and trail riding).  Holidays were spent with family in various cities as everyone was out of State for our Illinois locale.  Sure there were ups and downs with health issues or financial stressors but largely each day of our lives was the “same story, different day.”  When this got to be too much for my former spouse he found a way out and took it.  Hmmmm.  Alternately I found that you don’t really need a way out, per se.  Sometimes the “difference” we are seeking finds us as part of the Lord’s plan for our lives and it comes from within us instead of in the form of persons, places, or things . . .

Flash forward a myriad of moves of my residence, a change in the car I was driving, changing my job four times, transitions to new hair and clothing styles, some weight loss, and eventually moving to Indiana to marry Steve — over 10 years later I rarely say that old phrase anymore.  Oh even if nothing much has changed lately in my health or the circumstances of battling a serious illness, there are always new discoveries meeting me each day.  Things simply cannot be boring when you marry a man with as much energy as Steve!  He keeps me going just keeping up with all of his activities even when he is not home!  First there’s his four adult children and their families, then there’s his hobbies and sports, and his participation in the worship of our Lord Jesus Christ; the latter always brings news related to our church fellowship in addition to an intriguing message from the pages of the Bible.  That’s a lot to keep track of and I love it.  My garden, online jewelry business, and this blog fill in much of the rest of the time not taken with health-related activities.  How could I ask for more when my heart is full?

Sure my life has changed in the last decade or so and I’ll bet it’s the same for you too, Gentle Reader.  Is that o.k. with us?  As for me I would never have asked for the difficulties that have come in recent years that have added more “excitement” and stress than I could ever have imagined.  The crazy thing is that I would also have never known how to ask for the blessings that have come from this particular path either.  I would not want to be without the blessings just to have had an easier life.  I believe that I am exactly within the will of my Heavenly Father, that He has His hand on my life and my heart warmed in the shelter of His mighty wings.  He goes with me, goes before me this moment and the next; there are signs of His wonders sprinkled everywhere in my days.  I am so glad that I am not bored with my life.  Well yes of course there are times I’d like a little less “excitement!”  Yet that’s when I need to rest my cares at His throne of grace, allow Him to carry me like the famous Footprints in the Sand poem so graphically portrays, or wait on the Lord in the quietness of a moment of prayer . . .

I’m going to keep my head up and do like my brother, Mike, always used to say:  “keep moving forward.”  The life I once lived is gone but not forgotten.  Those memories bring gratitude for all that the Lord has placed in my life today:  a story that is never really the same.  In time my Lord will make all things beautiful.  In the meantime though I think it is finally time for me to go to bed!  There is a calmness in my spirit at last.  The sun is coming up and the birds are singing their morning hello just outside my window.  For me it will serve as a happy goodnight lullaby as I snuggle up to my intended beloved who brings me more joy than I could ever imagine.  Real love and more is here now.

Yes, Lord, it will be a good day I think.  :J

footprints-man-beach-morning

 

And then you just hope to move sideways

Here’s a brief update on my brother, Michael, and me with a prayer request:

At this moment Mike is moving from an acute, inpatient rehabilitation facility to one of the lowest-rated nursing homes in the city of Detroit.  The social workers claim that of the 35 facilities they have contacted, St. Francis is the only one who would accept him.  The reason?  He is “Medicaid Pending” and does not have any other insurance.  We are sad and concerned.

Today Mike’s rehabilitation stops until Medicaid is approved.  Today Mike learns how the indigent of our society are left behind in facilities located across the street from an abandoned buildings in scary neighborhoods.  Today Mike decides whether or not he is a FIGHTER.  I only got to talk to him briefly before the transport vehicle came to wheel him out of his private room and begin the next leg of his recovery journey.  He has made tremendous gains in cognition, swallowing, self care, transferring from one seat to another, and even walking.  Mike has had close monitoring of his medical condition, medications, and test results.  The plan to address a complex cyst on a kidney remains unclear as he moves away from his rehabilitation and medical specialists.  None of them go to the new facility.  It is unlikely that he will receive any rehabilitation therapies from this point forward until his Medicaid is approved.  We are sad and concerned.

We are hoping that this transfer is a move sideways and not the beginning of a downward slide.  At this point I do not believe that he knows that he will be receiving fewer services.  He is concerned about the facility location and the comfort level of his fiancé visiting him in an unsafe neighborhood.  Gratefully our cousin, Lisa, is an optometrist who sees patients there every 6 weeks.  She has known the staff there for 10 years.  We are hoping that this helps place Mike in a favorable light.  Lisa has also offered to accompany Mike’s fiancé, also named Lisa, on her first visit to the new place.  I am exceedingly grateful for this.  I wish I could be there too.  I cannot go at this time.

I had my own questionable “move” this past weekend.  Difficulty breathing and bizarre, violent seizure attack episodes landed me in the emergency room.  I received “treatment” and returned home; the last three days have been marginal yet better in some ways.  I saw my family practice physician yesterday and was able to put together a few plans to tighten up my treatment plan.  Unfortunately I had to escape outside for fresh air THREE TIMES due to the mold aerosols in his water-damaged office building!  Did I mention that I was already wearing a charcoal mask?  Geez.  I was re-reading the Clinical Summary this morning from my visit and collapsed at the kitchen table into a pile of seizure-like tics.  Perhaps the aerosols followed me home on the porous copy paper?  Who knows.  My gracious husband has seen me through it all, threw out the papers this morning and opened the bay windows to help me revive.  Thank you my beloved Steve!

Sometimes it looks like things are going downhill when actually we have just stepped a little to the side.  Many hidden blessings have come from my brother’s stroke:  developing a closer relationship with his fiancé, rekindling a friendship with my amazing cousin Lisa, and seeing a few family members step forth to love on my brother are wonderful.  And in my own situation I now have a biotoxin illness doctor who is willing to go to bat for me when headed to the ER on a Sunday in addition to an incredible husband who is my kinsman redeemer.  Steve is willing to love me, care for me, and defend my special needs when needed on my journey to wellness.  He believes me that this crap-ola-ski is NOT all in my head and is helping me overcome it too.  In both my brother’s and my own situation, I am seeing new expressions of love that have not been there in our lives before.  Cool beans.  Thank you Jesus!

Gentle Reader, would you kindly pray this scripture with me?  I pray that we will lean on the Lord, trust in the Lord, and have courage to move forward when-and-as the Lord leads these next few weeks.  I need to rest in the tender care of my Jesus and not get ahead of the work He is accomplishing in today.  After all, I do not want to miss the richness of His tender care, His presence in each breathing moment.  Such a joy it is to know that He is here carrying Mike this afternoon in that transport van.  Such a joy it is to know that He is here too with me and you carrying our thoughts and prayers to our Heavenly Father for His wise care according to His Divine plan for our lives.  Perhaps sideways is a good place to be right now.

Want some bulletproof coffee?  Let’s go out on the patio and sit for awhile.  The sun is shining this afternoon and the narcissus, tulips, hyacinths, and buttercups are blooming!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Proverbs 3:5-6

 

 

All You Need is Love

Sometimes you just need Jesus with skin on, ya know?

Tis quite humbling to find true love in the midst of the most wretched time of my life.  Even the worst of the trauma of my childhood cannot compare to the wrecking ball-like experiences of violent, waking seizures every day.  During the bewitching hour of night my beloved often lingers nearby, checking in periodically or lies next to me to warm my chilled, freaking out frame.  Perhaps he has carried me to the bathroom moments earlier or fed me some water to drink in my listless state after an episode.  And then comes the silliness that only a River Bear can muster in the midst of yet another crisis.   Seriously!  He finds a way to laugh in the midst of it all.

Sometimes you just need Jesus with skin on and I am exceedingly grateful love my Steve every day.  Making his lunch bag for work or cooking dinner a few nights per week is my meager contribution of late.  Sometimes I can do housework, grocery shop and laundry too; not so much lately.  It doesn’t seem to matter to my husband though.  He appreciates any of it and celebrates when I can get out and walk the dog or create a piece of jewelry instead of completing the chores.  Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches seem to fill his belly just the same!  What further amazes me is his compliments and words of encouragement when I am at my lowest.  I have never known this much love from anyone before Steve!

To those Gentle Readers who are single:  be the partner for which you seek and wait for the one who will love you above all else after the Lord.  I found Steve after 47 years of living and after kissing a few frogs along the way!  Oh well.  Sometimes you can’t tell a prince from a frog until it’s too late!  Yet when we trust the One who knows and numbers each hair on our pretty little heads, He will bring your night in shining aluminum*, or is that armor (?) at just the right time.  The trials and adventures of life come alive when shared with your intended beloved.

I used to say that I could make a relationship out of anything.  I was dumb and wrong.  Settling for less only brings heartache.  I now see too how the Lord empowers me to love Steve beyond my earthly capabilities and he must be doing the same for Steve as he loves me too.  In doing so we are drawn even closer together.  How does one prepare a lunch bag, clean up the kitchen at 4:00 a.m., and make it back to bed when sickly, nauseous, twitching in pre-tic episodes, etc.?  (How does Steve work full time, serve and worship at church, attend to household tasks, and keep up with athletic endeavors after staying up late with me?)  By calling on the Lord to add His increase, He brings blessings beyond the tasks at hand.  As for me, on particularly bad days I don’t do much of anything.  The look in my eyes is all I can give, to say how proud I am that my husband goes to work each day for us, or for me to muster up the strength to take a shower and wear the jeans he likes the best.  It is enough.  It is love.

Thank you Steve.  Thank you Lord!

Steve and Julie looking out over Lover's Leap, Starved Rock State Park, Illinois
Steve and Julie looking out over Lover’s Leap, Starved Rock State Park, Illinois

******************

*  The “night in shining aluminum” story stems from the theme of many romance novels:  the dashing young man will eventually scoop the young maiden into his arms and carry her off into eternal bliss as the sun sets.  I believe I had a similar experience the day of my move from the west suburbs of Chicago, Illinois 200 miles east to be with Steve in northeastern Indiana.  We met on Yahoo Personals and had a fairy tale long distance relationship for longer than my Prince Charming desired.  Each time we parted to make the long drive home he would tease me about running off to be with him in Indiana!  The tell tale moment finally came on moving day in November of 2007.  The movers had packed the 24-foot box truck with all of the earthly possessions from my beautiful condo near the Dupage River.  We were standing in the parking lot about ready to go when he popped the question.  Steve looked at me and said, “Julie I’m going to ask you one last time:  will you come away with me to Indiana?”  I jumped into his arms with a resounding “YES” and off into the beast of shiny aluminum we went!  My prince had come for me at last . . .  :J

 

Industrial Hemp: Future Medicine and More

Industrial hemp is the legal cousin to medical marijuana.  While legal in all 50 states, it has not been legal to grow in the United States for decades.  It has to be imported then processed into the products noted below.  Here’s a little summary of the possibilities:

Hemporium-The-Global-Benefits-of-HEMP-Tony-BuddenAs it turns out, the cannabinoid, CBD (cannibidiol), has tremendous health benefits for persons struggling with serious medical challenges.  Who knew that a plant grown with only trace amounts of THC (the compound that creates the high in marijuana, a different type of cannabis) could help so many?  This is not medical marijuana.  For the medically minded, here’s a Scientific Review of the literature on the medical benefits of cannibis including high CBD oil.  To continue the discussion, “Like” the “Seizure Free Zone” page on Facebook and let’s chat!

So why am I so fascinated by high CBD hemp oil?  Well just last night in the middle of a wretched flare up of seizure attacks (brought on by unknowing noxious fragrances of house guests) about 30 drops stopped the episode.  Since the exposure would not end until morning, my husband and I did the best we could to get me through the night when the tic attacks re-flared thereafter with less intensity.  In the past I would have endured a hellish night:  all night long with no relief.  While I would prefer to be cured with this substance, I know that it will not be that easy.  There are methylation and biotoxin illness issues yet to be resolved; gratefully I’ll be seeing some doctors in a new clinic to address them very soon.  Usually a new treatment creates convulsions for me.  That has not happened here.  Where would I be if I had nothing at all to arm myself in this battle?  More living hell indeed.

I am grateful to the Lord for any relief at this time.  The overall pattern of suffering is broken.  The Lord is at work even in this confusing situation.  To say more about that might sound like I know what the Lord is up to so I won’t because I’m not quite sure!  Faith in the promises of the Lord, Jesus Christ will sustain me.  Let’s just say this that I am reasonably at peace in this recent situation and am grateful for the endurance granted to get myself to the appointment on Monday!   Others have had life-changing experiences with new treatments such as CBD.  My prayer is that any of the episodes of my life not be wasted and if it is the Lord’s will, I will be healed.  Everything is usually not resolved overnight anyways . . . unless there is a miracle.

My miracle happened decades ago when I found hope in Jesus.  I would be dead in my sins today if He had not called me to his throne of grace.  That is more important than my health.  Perhaps, Gentle Reader, He can be of some importance to you too?  What good will it do to gain our health and lose the battle for our souls?  We won’t always be here battling the trials of living in a fallen world.  Someday we will die.  The Bible tells us that the decisions we made during our lifetimes will determine what will happen after our lives are over.  I’m holding out for the party in heaven, free of pain and suffering.  I can say that with confidence having believed the truths of Proverbs 3:5-6, John 3:16, and John 14:6.  This suffering is temporary.  I am not home yet.  When I am home, all suffering of every kind will be over.  Cool beans, man.

In the meantime I share a tool that may be of interest to you.  But make no mistake, nothing is more important than the eternal question.  If you stop with the first and never get to the second then this blog is of no value to you.  “Hope beyond” is about looking beyond what we can see to that in which we can believe without a shadow of doubt.  If you would like to have the confidence that your life is in the hands of the God whose thoughts of love and compassion towards you exceeds the grains of sand on the earth (Psalm 129:18), then I invite you to humble yourself and cry out to Him today.  He is waiting to hold your cares, your tears in the palm of His gentle hands  . . .

Finding Love Again

It’s as if I always knew that something was missing . . .

My first wedding day was lovely:  filled with pretty flowers, pearly alencon lace, and all the details that were meaningful at the time.  I was a new believer in Jesus Christ and in love with a young man named Craig.  We settled in the west suburbs of Chicago, worked in healthcare, and got busy with the tasks of fixing up our townhome.  In time Craig would lead us to a smaller Bible church from the seeker-friendly mega church that helped lead me to faith in Christ.  In time I joined him at that little church.  I also learned that Christians really do know how to have fun, meaningful lives rich in the knowledge and living out of the Word of God.

Then when Craig had to leave and decided never to return, my life turned upside down for about 4 years.  My last surviving grandmother, my youngest brother, and my mother all passed away out of state from where I was living.  I moved five times and my personal items were either donated to charity or stored in seven different places.  I had to change jobs three times and endured two work-related injuries.  The condo fire followed, displacing me for three months in a bare rental unit provided by my insurance company.   It was there, staring at the blank walls devoid of all of my earthly possessions and reminders of who I was that I discovered what else was missing:  my Heavenly Husband.

Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

The Bible is full of analogies comparing our relationship with the Lord as a marital relationship.  Jesus is the Bridegroom and the church is His bride.  Our Heavenly Father is the husband and we are His beloved.  The imagery of an intimate relationship is too much for us to grasp fully yet challenged me to make Christ real in my life on a daily basis.  So I went for it fully:  when I got in my car and was in a down mood I invited Jesus to ride with me, take the wheel, and be my constant companion.  Before long I realized that I had placed Craig in a place in my heart not made for him.  Some of the disappointment I experienced in our marriage came from not understanding the VERY LARGE place in my heart reserved only for the Lord.  In time, that place grew larger, infilling the emptiness in my heart, filling me completely.

When I met my intended beloved, of course I still had a few kinks to work out in the man-woman relationship department.  One shift was clear however:  my need for wholeness was to be met by my Heavenly Husband not my earthly one.  Placing too much responsibility on my new husband to meet all of my needs, love me, provide for me, and guide me wasn’t fair to him or me.  The One who will always be there perfectly on-time with all the right stuff will only and always be my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am grateful that Steve is a mighty good second I must admit!  Pastor Bill Hybels at Willow Creek Community Church said it best one Sunday service:  trust God.  Love people.  Trust God to meet all of your needs.  Love people including your spouse as imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ . . . just like me.  All of us have much to give and will fail at some point as well.  Only God is perfect.  The Lord is to be our first love.

With a perfect God, and a personal relationship through His son, Jesus Christ, we are free to live more lightly each day with the ones we love.  We can extend grace, grant forgiveness a little more easily.  We can love others and grow closer in fellowship despite all of our foibles.  And if you’re like me, you will find love again in all the right places.

Psalm 84

How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baka,  they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.  They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold     from those whose walk is blameless.

12 Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.