letting go – Page 5 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Like a Life and Death Decision

Published on February 6, 2015February 6, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Monet Japanese bridge at giverny — Japanese Bridge at Giverny by Monet

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

To receive salvation granted by grace is our greatest opportunity in this life. In accepting this invitation, we will know Who holds our future in highest regard and security. We will then enjoy the freedom to live our lives as God designed, as God intended. Our lives will be meaningful! He gave us so much goodness to enjoy in our lifetimes: enough to encourage us when things are not so good or down right evil. Through it all, with Him, we can live without fear and are never truly alone. We can live life with abandon! We can love fully and receive the fullness of love from others especially from our Creator. Indeed His gracious gifts mean even more than “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!”

I believe in saving grace and it came despite horrific trials. Many trials. Years of trials. A lifetime of trials. Hey, while my life has not been easy it has not been all bad either. I am grateful for much blessing and my eternal security in Christ Jesus. It is because of the trials that I no longer fear the worst possible outcome: death itself. I have faced death many times. For example, on my own could I ever be free in my spirit after witnessing attempted murder? Abandonment? Poverty? Abuse? Physical pain? Agonizing seizure attacks for years? The answer to all of these is YES I CAN. I can be free and yes I am free in Christ Jesus. With His amazing grace I am also free of the fear of death. With that out of the way, I have a new sense of LIFE and I am exceedingly grateful for it!

Lately I have considered launching a new business. As I pondered the best and worst-case scenarios of starting my own company, a question arose about life and death that is stirring my soul.

What if a customer someday dies because of a flaw in my product or services?

O.k. so you might not be the type who “starts with the end in mind” yet this is where my mind goes more often than I care to admit. In other words, what if either the products of my company or something related to my design or advice are to blame for the loss of life of another human being? That person would be someone’s son or daughter; someone’s mother or father, sister or brother could be gone forever! Someone dying because of me directly or indirectly would be tragic. I would be devastated! Surely my family and employees would be affected too. We might lose the business that we worked so hard to create. Our grief could make it difficult to recover emotionally in the years thereafter. How could our lives go on with the guilt, the pain, the horror, the shame?

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There is another, hidden layer to my character that relates to this subject of life and death. It’s a part of me that I have never really understood until now. A handwriting analyst in the 1960’s nailed it down for me when I was a girl struggling to find my way through childhood. Everything in my life at that time had to be just so and if it was not, I was very vocal about it! Imagine a 6-year old kid criticizing the way her teacher was reading a book to her first grade class! After all, Mrs. C was not doing it the way that Mrs. B read books in my kindergarten class and that was not right. I understand that I was sent to the coat closet for such offenses more than once!

I have come to understand that the ability to be flexible, spontaneous, open to new things including CHANGE, comes from an inner sense of security. If at an early age we are 1) affirmed in ourselves, our abilities, 2) believe that the world around us is relatively safe, and 3) there is love and affection to comfort us (from a parent or heavenly Father), then we can deal with the imperfections of life. If any of those three elements are missing then our ability to live outside our comfort zone flounders. We will strive for things to be “black and white” when much of life is simply “gray.” Letting go of control and dealing with the ambiguities of life is easier with the character qualities also known as gifts of the Holy Spirit: patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Further, the gifts of peace, love, and joy will follow for the mature believer in Jesus Christ who can live in the world just as it is. A controlling person is told to somehow, “grow up and smell the roses.” I have found that this is impossible without the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. Who knows what growing up means anyways?

At one time, deep in my character I did not care about the things that I should. For me in the past, having a severely controlling nature went beyond my birth order as the oldest in both of my parent’s families! (Bossy sister? Yeah, I heard that one more than I care to admit.) There was a disconnect that went deeper. At the core of my character I knew that I could harbor hate, malice, distrust, anger, jealousy, and much more ugliness than I care to disclose. Somewhere in my unrepentant gut was a self -centeredness that put myself above all others in such a sick way that I might not care if another human being got harmed around me. This is a horrible quality to have. This is the consequence of woundedness. This is the result of growing up without the safety and security needed to fully bond to the human race. This also made me feel profoundly alone.

At it’s core, I believe that my disconnectedness ultimately did not come from me. I believe that this kind of strife comes from our sin nature that is part of the human condition; I just got a boost in the wrong direction in the form of a largely unhappy childhood. What I would do with all of that was up to me when I was introduced to the plan of salvation through our redeemer Jesus Christ. We are all born with the propensity to sin until truly loved and trained away from it. Just watch a 2-year old rip a toy out of the hand of a younger sibling! Yes, even a darling 2-year old has a sin nature!

Jesus came to earth to re-connect us to our heavenly Father by washing away our sins with His grace. Those who believe in His work on the cross receive forgiveness, a new nature, and the spiritual gifts noted above. Unshakeable peace, love, joy and more come into our lives. Jesus came and through our walk with the Holy Spirit we become freed from the character flaws of our sin nature. This process continues until the day of our death. And deep within our character we can heal and deal with all that is not quite right with our world, growing to become the man or woman He intended for us to be. We can be whole. As we do so, we can fully love one another, forgive those who trespass against us and live victoriously beyond our temptations. We can be free to receive much goodness, do many good things.

When someone passes away, a person with a right heart grieves the loss. Jesus showed us this tender quality when His friend Lazarus died and at the cross. I know that my heart is more full now than ever before as evidenced by my ability to recognize and feel grief when someone dear leaves this life. I feel very sad. I also feel more compassion now than ever before as a result of healing from the losses in my own life. So while I am aware of the character flaw I once carried of depersonalization, I know that the Lord is filling the ugliness of my sin nature with His perfect love. I know that He loves me more than anyone else can ever love me. I feel His love directly and through the people His has placed in my life today. I feel more connected to the other wonderful sojourners in my life than ever before and it is good.

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If I start a new company and there is a tragic loss of life or injury for any reason, I trust that the Lord will go before me to guide my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my speech. I pray that between now and that day, should it ever come, that He will grow me in His character so that I may fully love that grieving family or person. Lord help me to do what I can to make things right should a tragedy come to pass. Thank you for breaking the bondage of my past. Most importantly today, help me to design products, services, and educational materials that preserve long and happy lives for others I may serve. May my future customers and employees see Your touch of grace upon my life as it shines through the company I believe you are entrusting to me. May I hold everything gratefully, responsibly, and lightly: ready to carry it or let it go as You desire. You are most important to me, my dear Jesus. You saved me from sin and death for such a time as this . . .

Gentle Reader: shall we start a two step solution together that makes life easier for everyone? Hmmmm. My mother was a gifted writer and my father was an amazing inventor. I have learned much from their skills and abilities. Ah yes, I see a Business Plan coming together.

Step 1: Make a decision.

Step 2: Do it!

Alright. I’m in! Witness the birth of Two Step Solutions. Now let’s go! :J

Julie Horney MS, OTR/L

Oh How He loves You

Published on November 6, 2014December 28, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

This truth resonates with me today. My desire is to extend this truth to the only person still living who hurt me beyond measure. While much healing has occurred, I recently realized that more emotional baggage needed to be discarded out of my life from this old relationship for me to fully live in today. The process began about 2 weeks ago.

I knew that I needed to thin some files to make room for new ones in our home office. While this may not seem like a very large task since I keep fairly up-to-date with such tasks, there was a section in a drawer that had never been touched since it was created. Fifteen file drawers neatly organized alphabetically and the folders in the “Legal” section were bulging a bit too much. I had been in car accidents, named in the will of a few different parties, and survived a divorce with much accompanying paperwork telling the grueling details. The latter one was taking up too much space for my current lifestyle.

The Lord had convicted me many times in the past of discarding the “Divorce” section: the remnants of pain from divorce. I got rid of a few things awhile back but not enough such that I could still recount the many hurts, injustices, losses, and pain with the remaining documents. A sick badge of honor was left intact should I ever need to tell the whole story again. In holding onto more than the final court decision, I was burdening myself in more ways than I realized. Conviction came again when I was pleading with the Lord to heal me of a serious illness. At first it seemed so unrelated that I put it off once again. Then I decided to respond differently: with obedience. With trust. With faith. With swiftness.

I felt nothing after the folders fell into the recycling bin. Whoa. After all, maybe some good can come from the papers chopped and shredded into something more useful, eh? Within a day I had forgotten about all of those files and memories altogether. It is only in the writing of this blog that they have come to mind as I attempt to illustrate the power of letting my Jesus Who loves me and knows me so well lead me into His place of righteousness. Only He evens the score, makes things right. Only He redeems the hurt by filling it with His love. Only He will lead me into using the past for His glory should He choose to. Ahhhhh. Another measure of healing has come into my life by letting go of all of “the evidence” of sorrow. My Jesus transforms sorrow for His good. I am sure of this.

Now comes the next step: finishing the task of cutting off any energy that goes to feeding the pain from this great loss in my life. This is an ongoing practice. My former spouse left 11 years ago! So why did my curiosity cause me to check on his status periodically on the internet? I could justify it a million ways and virtually all of them drained my joy in today. So gently with the encouragement of another believer in Christ, I moved away from such nefarious activities completely. Decreasing the frequency further was not enough. Only by cutting them off have I found freedom!

Gratefully, all of this stuff has nothing to do with the love I receive from my intended beloved, Steve. He is an amazing man of God, after His own heart, whether or not I choose to love him with baggage or without. Oh yeah, I am blessed beyond measure! The second part of the admonishment from my friend was that I needed to get rid of these behaviors to be free to fully love Steve. My focus needed to be unhindered by pain from the past, especially that which I did not realize I was stirring up by dabbling in past hurts. What a dumb thing to do! My Jesus knows and holds my heart on all of these issues. My Jesus is leading me to himself more and more to become the woman He intends for me to be each day and in doing so, moves me closer to Steve within the covenant of marriage He ordained. Incredible.

The final step in this process (call it what you may: healing? letting go? letting God? joy?) is to lovingly dedicate Craig’s life to the One Who created Him just as he is. Oh sure, I have prayed for Craig hundreds of times. With a different kind of love I profess that the message of the cross is all Craig needs to come into the fullness of life. The message of redeeming grace is all Craig needs to find the answers to questions he once asked, he challenged, he doubted with, he ran away pursuing. The message of love, Christ’s everlasting love, will transcend everything he has ever felt in a finite earthly existence. And the love of our Lord will be perfect. The message of the Bible, that Craig used to profess in Sunday School classes so eloquently, is the only great read he will ever need to find joy and meaning.

And so Craig, I lay you before the Throne of Grace. I pray that you will look up and see the eyes of heaven open up to you and bring you the true desires of your heart in a relationship with Jesus Christ. In Him you will find nothing less than every good thing. I do hope you will find every good thing. I have. It is waiting for you as well.

In the meantime, I step away from this odd chapter in my old life. My life was restored and love beyond measure has entered into my heart. I am grateful for so much and a lot of it is in the form of one who is tall, blue-eyed, athletic, handsome, winsome, and loved and respected by many. Tonight I have the privilege of celebrating an accomplishment in the life of my intended beloved and I am honored to be there at his side as he accepts recognition for his achievement. I still know the greatest achievement stands above it all: his surrendering to the Lord, Jesus Christ brings true victory! Now that is something worth celebrating. JJ

What then shall we do?

Published on September 4, 2014September 4, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

⁴This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: ⁵“Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. ⁶Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. ⁷Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.”

¹¹For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹²Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29

I offer this passage for those of us who are Christians and are worried about what may come here in the United States.

I offer this passage for those of us who are recovering from serious illness and feel vulnerable or too weak to act in our own strength to try to change things.

I offer this passage for myself to remind me WHO is in charge of all things: past, present, and future. And I will add this reassurance as well:

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6

Why is it so easy to forget the Lord’s faithfulness in my life? First, He led me to Him when I was finally ready to stop striving out of my own determination to make something out of my life, MY WAY. Second, He gave me a reasonable life as a baby Christian only for it to spiral out of control, my control. His hand was upon me and wanted me to depend only upon His grace. Third, He brought me exceedingly sweet restoration, the desires of my heart, and a love worth waiting for in the arms of my intended beloved. Fourth, He allowed exceedingly difficult weakness to strengthen our faith and prepare us for His return in glory. Yes, I believe He will return soon.

More important than looking for what disasters may bestow us in this once great United States of America is to ready ourselves and WATCH for the return of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

³⁹But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. ⁴⁰You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” Luke 12

What then shall we do? Wait without worry; meditate on His Words, instructions and promises; carry on with the events of living; and share the hope within us. If I must bury my nose in His holy Word for hours to calm my fears then that is exactly what I shall do. I know I will find You there my Lord . . . in sweet fellowship until I am in your presence forevermore. Just writing this has lifted my spirits.

Just reading this, can you sense His peace too Gentle Reader? I hope so. JJ

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P.S. I’m thinking of putting together a group Skype devotional and prayer time once per week with others who are largely isolated for whatever reason. The focus would be open and based upon belief in God through the person of Jesus Christ of the Bible. Please leave me a comment below if you might be interested. I’ll do a separate blog on this soon! Take care, JJ

Where do you think I was taking you?

Published on August 27, 2014August 27, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

A dear sister in Christ shared with me a story today of another time in which she was struggling in her walk with the Lord. A year later she ran into an old friend who was in a time of severe struggle. As she listened closely to her friend she was reminded of how the Lord gave her victory the previous year and how he gave her an image that made a lasting impression.

Picture this: you are walking behind, faithfully following the Lord Jesus Christ who is walking in front of you. Your hands are placed firmly on the back of His shoulders as He leads you forth. You are not trying to get ahead of Him or push Him faster down the road. But you are straining to look over His shoulders, attempting to peer around His sides, jumping to see over His head. Where is He taking me? Why don’t my circumstances show me what lies ahead for me? Why can’t I see where we are going, the point to all of this agony?

Now that doesn’t look much like following in faith now does it? Yeah. I have been there too. Trying to get ahead of the One Who loves me and has carefully crafted my life as His own child, under the protection of His loving arms. Instead I am going to remember the image that my friend said came next: she gently looked down, perhaps drawing a little closer to His mighty frame, and simply walked behind Him in His footsteps. She let the Lord lead her through the trials and in due time they ended. And a year later her tenderness for her friend encouraged both of them. I am sure of it.

My friend shared that in her heart long ago she heard the words, “where do you think I was taking you?” Where indeed. May our answer always be, “anywhere you lead my Jesus.” Anywhere. JJ

A Pig for Sale

Published on August 21, 2014August 21, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Only in Indiana. Or maybe in any other State with farming. Well that would include all 50 States. I guess it’s just new to me . . .

The Facebook page for selling stuff in my town had a posting for a pig for sale: $300 for the live beast. I actually thought about it for a moment! The biggest issue would be finding a place to store all of that meat. Our lil’ freezer just ain’t big enough for my hubby’s ice cream and my bone broth in addition to a virtual bevvy of pork! Darn. I’ve been missing BBQ ribs for some time now!

I suppose that someone else with a chest or upright freezer will jump on the offer. Maybe our neighbor who bought our used freezer will find it in her budget to feast on Porky Pig for the rest of the year? Or maybe not. But if she invites us over for some Famous Dave-style ribs I am sure that we would oblige! We will even bring my Grandma’s famous potato salad. Yeah I won’t forget the horseradish, pickle relish, and bacon grease (aka “secret ingredients”)!

We live in a time where you can buy and sell just about anything. With the diversity of our world and our accessibility to most of it via the internet, we can get much of what we want for a price. Do you want someone to paint your business logo on his hairy belly and sing a song for you? Just check out the gigs on http://www.fiverr.com and it will be yours for the price of a latte’. My preference for that one would be “NOPE.” That is, in the physical realm. There are other realms for which I would need a song you know. And tonight my heart realm can’t buy me even a lullaby for peace of mind. My heart is breaking and there simply is not much I can do about it but pray.

My brother, Mike, whom everyone else calls Michael, continues to live in a wretched inner city nursing home after a serious stroke. He is four months post-CVA and three months enduring the “3 hots and a cot” provided by a one-star facility. I flipped when I found out that he had an infectious rash on his hemiplegic hand! I asked his fiancé and Mike to check for signs of bed bugs and call the State Ombudsman immediately if they found any signs of them. Mike’s roommate itches too. Hopefully it will be a case of an allergic reaction to the laundry detergent. But why would the bumps become infected? Good golly. Water (no juice, milk, or coffee) for breakfast, a delayed response for significantly elevated blood pressure, and no follow-up whatsoever on a 6 cm kidney tumor ARE ONLY THE FIRST THREE items in the long list of substandard care complaints. So sad.

Lisa, Mike’s precious fiancé, is at her wit’s end trying to get Veteran’s Administration or Medicaid benefits processed correctly to change his situation. She faithfully visits him when she can, brings him home-cooked food, and follows up the paperwork nightmare as Mike’s legal guardian. Just when I wonder if things moving forward fast enough or why she hasn’t returned my phone calls I find out that she has started a new job to try an better their overall situation. She is such a trooper. Thank the Lord for Lisa’s love and care for her Michael. And our cousin, Lisa, helps out where she can as well. Cousin Lisa is an optometrist for the nursing home and has more than once been able to positively influence his care by her presence, her visiting, her dipomacy, her support of fiancé Lisa. They are doing the best they can and that is both a gift and all I can ask from 200 miles away.

This is such a curious situation, you know. I am an occupational therapist with over 30 years of professional experience including patients with the very same medical condition as my brother. Yet due to a severe illness I am enduring, I cannot even visit him! The dirty conditions of his living environment would surely trigger seizure-like attacks for me. Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, or whatever you want to call this nightmare is keeping me from seeing my brother. And this is the Lord’s plan for both of us right now. I don’t understand it. My heart is hurting. I would be honored to work more closely with Mike, even provide supplemental therapy or visits. I cannot do it right now. Oh sure, I send him something in the mail occasionally or make a phone call to his facility and get placed on hold for a very, very long time before actually getting through to anyone less than 50% of the time. We are all doing what we can and waiting on the Lord. It’s just so very frustrating for each of us!

So if you’ve got an extra 300 bucks to donate to our cause, kindly send it to St. F—— Nursing Center in D—–, room 207. Leave the pig and get my brother out of there please! They might not notice Mike missing for awhile since a piece of meat is a piece of meat when you don’t care much for the sweet sense of humor that used to characterize my tall lanky sibling. Oh geez, I’m getting a little upset here aren’t I? Well at least the pig will stomach the food a little better without complaining. Like the Cheerio’s commercial said many decades ago, “he’ll eat anything! Hey Mikey!” Yeah but it won’t be Mikey. One day Mikey will be gone from the place he and his fiancé are calling, “the dump.” May the Lord pour out His grace on those left behind when he does go.

I just hope that moving day will be soon. O.k. I’m done venting. Gotta get back to praying. JJ