Tag: Jesus

The Laundry Still Gets Done

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Take me to the top

I don’t wanna cry no longer

Take me to the top

Can’t you see I’m getting stronger?

Take me to the top

Yes there’s room for me and others

Take me to the top

Hey that’s where we will recover!

A simple song, yes it is, written long before I knew the diagnosis of Lyme Disease and sometime after the diagnosis of fibromyalgia.  How could I have known how long this journey would last nor how rich the experience would be if I just “bothered to recover.”

Yes, doing the work of recovery from any illness, addiction, loss, or heartache is a bother!  It takes time, energy, resources, finances, and emotional strength.  When I did it all on my own with my own determination I did get somewhere for a while.  After all I was told at a very young age that I am a “very determined person.”  I’ve tapped into books, self-help resources, 12-step programs, support groups, special diets, supplements, retreats, doctors, specialists, the internet, advice from others, my own creative intuition, and so on.  Yup, I should have figured it all out by now if it were up to me.  Just gotta keep staying positive, helping others, practicing gratitude, and memorizing a ton of slogans and following helpful inspirational wisdom from others on the journey ahead of me.  Hey that’s were we will recover . . .

Well guess what?  It ain’t enough!  No amount of wishful thinking, earthly wisdom, and STUFF is enough to cure or figure out the consequences of living in a fallen world.  This world is not perfect and everything will not be revealed or resolved by the right karma, nirvana, carpe diem, keeping my chin up, and the like.  Sometimes the world simply does not make sense.  I’ve heard the trouble of this world described as the influences of three forces acting against us:  the world, the flesh, and Satan himself.  Maybe so.  Or maybe it’s a combination of them?  Perhaps you would debate me on many of these points.  That’s o.k.  I welcome it.

You will never convince me however that this world is my home and that what I see is all there is.  You will never convince me that there is no purpose to our suffering and that it will end if we just do this or that.  You will never convince me that I deserve better, am entitled to more and should just set more goals to have them.  Sometimes my best is to lay low, to settle where I am.  You will never convince me that if I don’t act now, I will  miss “the boat.”  His timing is perfect now and forever.  You will never convince me there is no God because he allowed this suffering to happen.  Sorry.  I have seen too many blessings that I would have missed or screwed up if I acted to change things in my own strength and timing.  I know better than all this and you can too when you consider inviting Jesus into your heart.

So today, despite the pain and the wretched symptoms last night, the laundry will still get done.  How is that?  It is not by my strength that I live but by He who lives within me and this includes the gumption to fold towels!  When I tanked this afternoon I chose to read The Word first and not surf the net.  Why?  Since He is my ultimate source of wisdom and peace I simply cannot waste my time or energy elsewhere.  They are too precious these days.  Then it didn’t take very many of these precious moments before my relatively small list of things to do became overwhelming.   That’s when I came before the Lord’s throne of grace and He met me there.  Looks like writing about Him was my most important task on the list.  And if I wondered why I couldn’t do something else instead (like go to work or work on my home business), I had to let it all go to the God who holds my life in the shadow of His loving arms, His loving wings.  He knows the right time for everything.  He knows why all this is allowed in my life and He will be glorified in the end.  My best is in the best of hands.

So me and my unfolded laundry are pretty stubborn this afternoon.  Have I convinced you?  I’ll get to those clean washcloths soon enough and I’ll be glad the One Who loves me and knew me before I was born got to me first today.  Forget the laundry.  Hey Elle, where’s your leash?  Remember that walk I promised you yesterday?  Bow wow.

After the Wedding

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Many Christian weddings call upon the Apostle Paul’s marvelous description of love to help us know what love really looks like.  Sound familiar?

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When you see love in action, you know that it truly exists.  While love is the hallmark of God’s gift of marriage, we know that it exists in many other relationships too.  I must write that I have seen it again today like so many days these past five years.  To see love as created by God himself, is to fully be alive.  To feel loved by another, is to know that God exists.  To love in return, is what I can do to say thank you.  To love before I see it, before I feel it, before I can give it, is to become an instrument of the Lord.  All are humbling and wonderful.

Today was a particularly difficult day.  More noxious symptoms occurred than usual and many continue at this moment.  And yet I feel no less loved than any other day from my beloved husband, Steve Horney.  He is my Jesus with skin on today and for that I am more than grateful.  I . . .   I . . .   I . . .    All I can say is thank you and I love you too!

If you were not in my life, my dear Stevers, I would have my Heavenly Husband to help me through this day.  He knows what days this has been true in my past and what days He will be my Rock in the future.  Wow.  Today I have both.  God is good.  All the time.  God is good.

Jesus is for the Wounded

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In the wee hours of Christmas morning, it is.

My body isn’t happy and my heart feels a little smaller than usual.

I wonder when this or that will change:  when the prayers will be answered?

Sadly, some did not say hello when I made it to church for the first time in a month.

Crying could be in the cards tonight, or at least a little pouting.  And what would that accomplish anyways?

I have so much goodness in my life, outside of this illness and its related difficulties.  About these I have written time and time again.

Why is it so easy to forget the blessings?  The roller coaster of life when it gets complicated too easily pushes my focus off of what is most important again and again.

Put the robe back on, take it off, no put it back on again as the sweat episode comes and goes; am I hungry or is it low grade nausea this time?  Oh yeah, the tic attacks have started again.

There is no end to this kind of thinking in my own strength.  I go on about it here only to illustrate that even as a believer in Jesus Christ, I am tempted, taunted by the darkness of this world.  Perhaps the difference between me and someone who does not believe will be what happens next.  Others may attempt to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and cheer up with positive self talk.  Still more will use a substance or dark distraction to erase the reality that can be so difficult to face.  Those comforts will be temporary and fail to something else that must replace it eventually.  Well this Christmas morning, these will not be me.  I will turn somewhere else.

But wait, can a baby born in a filthy village to a teenage girl and out of wedlock possibly comfort me in my anguish?  Even if He spoke wise words, did countless miracles, and 500 people testified that he rose from the dead, does that have anything to do with me tonight?  What if His life, death, and resurrection were perfectly predicted 500 or so years earlier without the benefit of the internet, does that mean anything for me or for you either?  And if He was part of God, the three persons of the one entity that is “God,” does that mean that He had anything to do with me being created?  So if He did create me, did He have really some purpose or plan for my life that included allowing me to get Lyme Disease?

Guess what?  The answers are yes.  Jesus is for the “wounded.”  Jesus is for this wounded woman who doesn’t feel so hot.  Jesus is for those who do good and those who do not.   Jesus is for those who think they are good but can never really be good enough because of our shared human condition:  we are all flawed by sin.  Jesus is for the sinner and those affected by sin in this fallen, imperfect world.  Jesus is the answer now and always.  And when I lift my eyes from my limited life and fix them on He Who is infinite, seek His forgiveness, claim that He is Lord, my eternal life comes into view.  This trial of illness will give way to an eternity in heaven with Him:  and there will be no more pain, weeping, or sorrow.  Yeah God!  How do I know this?  He promised it in His Word!

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. (John 1:1-3)

The answers are all in the Bible and the Bible is God, one and the same.  How does that work?  Finding the answer to that begins in a relationship with Jesus Christ, the Creator of all people, places, things, events, and spiritual entities.    Some go to His Word first.  Some cry out to Him before realizing Who is out there listening and waiting for them with perfect love.  Some find Him through a person who knows Him and draws a bridge to the heart of Christ by his or her actions, tenderness, words.  In the end, we can all find Him if we but seek Him.  Don’t stop with that spiritual friend or influence either.  He, she, or it will fail us at some point.  Trust God to be perfect; just love people (spoken first by my former Pastor, Bill Hybels).  Jesus will not, never, ever fail us.  Jesus is for the wounded.  He “knows” the cries of our hearts as He was also wounded physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually too.  He does care about our sorrows.  He came to save us from the consequences of the sin of this world.   If all this wasn’t true, He would have never left the heaven realms to be born into this world only to die a tortuous death on a cross.  Would you leave paradise for me?  Er, no.

Tonight my heart is transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2).  Thank you Jesus for coming to save me (Luke 19:10).  Thank you for watching over me (Psalm121:5) and ensuring that the trials will not be wasted (Jeremiah 29:11).  Thank you for caring about me (1 Peter 5:7) and taking care of my true needs (Luke 12:22-30).  Thank you for Your gift of salvation and eternity with You (John 3:16).  One day I know that I will be well, whole, and rejoicing in Your presence!  (Psalm 30)

Merry Christmas indeed.

Lyin’ in the Morning Sun

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzrXc68gNjQ

I had the chance to “sit by the dock of the bay” or river/reservoir/lake/ocean many times this past year and was unable to take it.

I had the chance to work part time as an occupational therapist in home care and have been unable to do it since March.

I had the chance to garden and fell short of the project “To Do” list.

I had the chance to live as others do and was not selected to live as they do.

Like the song says, “I can’t do what ten people tell me to do.  So I guess I’ll remain the sa-me.”

What have I been able to do?  Learn how much Jesus loves me just as I am.  Feel His love directly through the love of my life, Steve.  Give back here and there out of my weakness alone.  Take time to pray.  Learn to breathe more deeply.  Meet people I never knew before.  Witness the Lord’s majesty and grace in ways I’d never experienced before.  Let go, let God beyond what I ever learned in 12-step circles.  Seek and find the face of Jesus.  Do it sick.  Apply the talents He has given me in new ventures as a Master Gardener Intern and Principal Designer/Owner.  Live in humility and gratitude (and continue to grow in both).  Meet you, gentle reader.

Now that I’m up off of the couch, I think I can take the dog out and get ready for the day.  Golly gee, my tummy hurts and I don’t know why.  And here come the sweats and oh do I feel sick.  Wonder if I’ll make it to my second craft show this Saturday?  If I do, it’s gonna take a miracle for sure!  Alas, I am reminded:

6 So he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.  Zech 4

Yes, by His Spirit alone.  Unlike the words of Otis Redding who sang, “sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting ti-me,” I know that nothing is wasted in God’s economy.  As a believer in Jesus Christ, my eternal life has already begun.  This time is not measured by tasks or the stuff of this life on earth.  This time, today, is measured by grace.  I’m layin’ in the morning sun on the couch, typing at the computer with the sun at my back through the window, and breathing in deeply, the subtle richness of knowing that I can do all things through Him that strengthens me (Phil 4:13).  So glad I got that straight today.  Elle!  Let’s gooooooooooooooooo!

What Do a Furnace and a Sleep Lab have in Common?

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furnaceimages

apnea2

Looks like the Doc is a duck or about to diagnose, well who knows what?

Far fetched you say?  Not according to my experience in a Sleep Lab last night!  If I understand this correctly, my yet unnamed Sleep Doc’s report will look something like this:

7:30 p.m.  Arrive at sleep lab with way too much stuff packed to keep me busy, plus my pillow and minus my shampoo.  Oops.  Check-in paperwork.

8:00 p.m.  Dinner from a zip lock bag of ingredients from my special “anti-seizure” diet.  The HGTV marathon begins.  We don’t have cable or dish at home.  I’m jazzed!  Love it or List It.  Yeah baby!

8:30 p.m.  Get approval for a later bedtime since I usually can’t fall asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning.  So they’ll confine me to bed at 11:30 p.m. and I can lay there in the dark with them looking at me through camera behind the black plexiglass window on the ceiling.  I could arrange some funny faces or something.  I’ll have the time to think of something until I fall asleep . . .

9:00 p.m.  Demo and trial of a CPAP mask and machine.  Talk about feeling suffocated, yipes!  Actually felt relaxed 20 minutes later and wanted to keep it.  Not so fast, Missy, as you only get to use it during the study if the test results the first half of the night warrant it.  Notice that this means they will be waking me up to suffocate me if I warrant it!  Modern medicine.

10:00 p.m. Hardware glued and taped to my head, ribs, face, and legs.  Fingertip vice called a pulse ox secured to my right index finger.  Lots of colored wires (around 20) are attached to a blue box that would put the back of your computer tower to shame, and hung around my neck.  Great.  I’m feeling sleepy already, not!

11:20 p.m.  Get the “10 minute warning” that they are coming in to put me to bed.  How nice.  No pillow mints though.  No bed either.  There’s a Murphy bed in the wall that hasn’t come down yet.  Modern medicine indeed.

11:30 p.m.  Tech “K” tells me I have to turn off the t.v. and I haven’t found out if the couple will keep their remodeled duplex without the promised new kitchen and bathroom or spring for the $949,000 move-up mansion.  Did I mention they came in 5 minutes before the end of the HGTV program twice already?  Geez!  Anyways, she helps me get settled as best I can into bed with not one but two probes in my nose in addition what appears to be the back of the fuse box connected to my body.  Time for bed!  Lights go out.  Seizure-like tic attacks begin.  No need to make faces; the show has begun.

12:00 – 2:00 a.m.  Up to the bathroom twice, tossing and turning, praying, praying, praying.  Tics on and off with sweats.  Sweating persists throughout the night.  Why is this mattress so hot?  Room temperature feels warm then I’m not sure.  Tech “K” comes in twice with each trip to the bathroom to disconnect me from the secret control panel in the cabinet next to the cabinet holding my bed.  Remember the old Dick Van Dyke T.V. episodes where the Murphy bed folds back up with the person in it?   Yeah, I’m remembering it about now.

2:30 a.m.  Start crying and can’t stop.  The sound of the furnace is just too loud.  My nose itches just too much.  I can’t get comfortable and I can’t sleep.  I’m sick and tired of being poked, tested, probed, scanned, analyzed, drugged, drained, and worse.  I feel very small.  And Jesus meets me here.

2:30 a.m.  Tech “K” comes in to try to figure out why I’m crying and how to get me to stop.  Do I want to stop the test?  Sit up?  Stop the test?  Wondered why she asked me the last question twice.  Maybe I’m a handful.  She said the most interesting patient she had pretended to be riding a bicycle in the air while sleeping.  Guess my show wasn’t that good through the black plexiglass window after all.  Then again, I mention the loud furnace.  In seconds, we are walking to another room and find that it is much quieter.  Praise the Lord!  And she says it’s no problem to move to another room.  We pack up, bring down another bed hidden in the wall of cabinets and before long I’m in bed again.  This room is warmer; feels good initially . . .

I think I fell asleep sometime around 3:00 a.m. after some tic jolts and a few tosses this way and that way.  I probably woke up six times (before they said it was 9:00 a.m.), overheated from underneath.  Must be a down feather pillow top mattress or something.  And before I knew it, the voice on the speaker from above was saying, “good morning Julie, it’s time to get up now.”  A few tic zips rang in the new day and then Tech “J” appeared.   Tech “K” has gone home.  It’s now over for me too:  time to unplug, de-stick, and crawl home.  We made it Lord.

This day was a rough one, with a straining feeling from broken sleep and feeling torn between napping and sticking it out to go to bed early.  Tried the latter and wasn’t able to sleep, again!   A host of flu-like symptoms distracted me all day long.  It’s one of those times when you wished you could throw up and get it over with — twice.  Ate lightly including the prescribed  portion of cooked rabbit.  Yes, I have a weird diet to match my weird story.  (See blog entitled, “Rascally Rabbit,” for more!)

What do a furnace and a sleep lab have in common?  One keeps the lab working and the other works despite the furnace.   Modern medicine.  Have you taken yours today?