Jesus Christ – Page 14 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Flowers for Algernon?

Published on March 22, 2014September 24, 2022 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Another temporary setback in my health tonight ended by a couple of drops of tea tree oil masking the noxious scent of perfume. I don’t do perfume very well and am grateful for this suggestion of a friend familiar with essential oils. Thank you Lord for Cindy and tea tree oil!

Sigh. How am I supposed to be around people when the scent of any products they might wear with fragrances can trigger seizures? I feel like a prisoner in my own home. If I linger away from my cocoon then I am at risk. And if a guest visits our home not wearing perfume but carrying a coat or wearing clothing scented from another day, BINGO. I get sick.

I endured three major setbacks including last night and three other times this past week. Setbacks that is, from significant improvements that came from taking high CBD hemp oil. I was enjoying some sweet moments of near-normalcy! At least the overall episodes are shorter. I guess there is something else going on that is preventing the treatment from holding . . . .

Is it diet? How can it be when consuming a strict Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? Could it be methylation or residual biotoxin illness issues? Perhaps and I’ll be pursuing these at a new clinic next week. Is neuro-Lyme the culprit after all and I need to get back into antibiotic therapy? The Rife machine made me worse. I’m not so sure about Lyme disease anymore as my genetic markers are more significant for mold illness than Lyme disease. Still: who knows?

In the 1966 novel Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes portrays a mentally disabled man who gains intelligence after being selected for an experimental brain surgery. The surgery was shown to be successful in a laboratory rat whose intelligence increases 3x after the procedure. Charlie, the main character, undergoes the procedure himself as the story follows him from his menial janitorial position to falling in love with one of the teachers at the school in which he works. Charlie quits his job about the time that the rat begins to decline. The improvements did not last. Charlie buries his little friend in a cheese box in the backyard near the close of the story.

I worked on the set of the stage play of Flowers for Algernon at my high school. The sorrow of the scene pictured above when played out even by a wiry teenager was very emotional for all of us backstage. I will never forget it. For me it represented finding hope then moving forward in life with new skills and possibilities. My life was already very painful at age 15. The story touched my heart as we brought it to life for our peers and parents. My tears had no where to go as I stood in the dark backstage, waiting to bring out props for the next scene. When I got home the lockdown continued in the chaotic and unsafe environment of my childhood. My sorrow was locked away for many years. After much healing and decades of living, the Lord brought back this particular story to mind recently with the frustration of the illness that I am enduring: I came upon a reason to have hope from seizures only to have that hope dashed against the wall. Again. It feels like death.

Sadness fills my eyes. Of course I want to be well. Every time I grasp for air, stabilize my neck for fear of my head breaking off, emit some guttural utterance from the forceful involuntary movements of every appendage in rotation or unison from a seizure attack I become very aware that I could die from them. I stare blankly into space or hold my eyes closed to keep the room from moving. Keeping my eyes open brings dizziness and nausea; keeping my eyes closed brings increased fear and a lost sense of time. While still awake I sometimes can talk. The words are strained and speaking (like trying to move) runs the risk of exacerbating the attacks further. If the episode goes on too long then neurological collapse follows. I either have to lie motionless until function returns or my beloved Steve transfers me out of bed and carries me to the bathroom or bed. This more severe level of seizure occurs late at night when he needs to be getting ready for bed to be able to work the next morning. It’s my private hell. It’s his private hell. It’s the private hell on earth that is our burden to endure at this time. (See my non-epileptic seizure video for more information.)

To see a loved one losing the battle over illness, over injury is one of life’s greatest sorrows. Even for a Christian, experiencing it yourself will challenge everything you know about grace, endurance, meaning, and more. Flowers for Algernon is a fictional tale about a rat and a man who found answers but those answers did not last. The story touches a cord deep within me. Oh to taste the goodness of life and have it taken away! I have searched for goodness for a long time. One of the great opportunities of this life is to seize the sweetness that abounds, hold it lightly as it shines for a time, then let it go gracefully when we must either move on or the script of our lives writes it off the page. It must be the Lord’s plan but why? Such answers often never come. Moving on can be the reward for grieving well. Then there’s the fruit of living with loss that is ongoing: when the disappointment never really goes away. This is when you really know who you are. This is when you really know Whose you are. Paradoxically speaking, it can be the time when you are truly ALIVE.

I am a child of the King held in the shadow of His wings, His loving arms just like I quoted yesterday in Psalm 139. This night I bring forth an invitation for my Lord to:

²³Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. ²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

My Lord sees me! Even so, this illness is one of my greatest mysteries from all of the events that have transpired in my life. In the past my Lord has graced me with seeing some good come from the evil, some divine plans that have emerged from the chaos through which the deepest desires of my heart have come true. I will hold onto His words that:

¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

At every turn, with each moment of sorrow I no longer ask:

⁷Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

Indeed you have led me through it all. I can trust from Psalm 142 that:

³When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.

And as it reads in Psalm 100 we will all:

³Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

We will:

⁴Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. ⁵For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Rest will come for you, Gentle Reader and me too as we read in Psalm 121 that:

⁵The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand; ⁶the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

⁷The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; ⁸the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

With that I bid you good night. I’ll be fine. Join me in trusting the Lord that you will be too, eh?

Finding Love Again

Published on March 13, 2014March 14, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

It’s as if I always knew that something was missing . . .

My first wedding day was lovely: filled with pretty flowers, pearly alencon lace, and all the details that were meaningful at the time. I was a new believer in Jesus Christ and in love with a young man named Craig. We settled in the west suburbs of Chicago, worked in healthcare, and got busy with the tasks of fixing up our townhome. In time Craig would lead us to a smaller Bible church from the seeker-friendly mega church that helped lead me to faith in Christ. In time I joined him at that little church. I also learned that Christians really do know how to have fun, meaningful lives rich in the knowledge and living out of the Word of God.

Then when Craig had to leave and decided never to return, my life turned upside down for about 4 years. My last surviving grandmother, my youngest brother, and my mother all passed away out of state from where I was living. I moved five times and my personal items were either donated to charity or stored in seven different places. I had to change jobs three times and endured two work-related injuries. The condo fire followed, displacing me for three months in a bare rental unit provided by my insurance company. It was there, staring at the blank walls devoid of all of my earthly possessions and reminders of who I was that I discovered what else was missing: my Heavenly Husband.

Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

⁵For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

The Bible is full of analogies comparing our relationship with the Lord as a marital relationship. Jesus is the Bridegroom and the church is His bride. Our Heavenly Father is the husband and we are His beloved. The imagery of an intimate relationship is too much for us to grasp fully yet challenged me to make Christ real in my life on a daily basis. So I went for it fully: when I got in my car and was in a down mood I invited Jesus to ride with me, take the wheel, and be my constant companion. Before long I realized that I had placed Craig in a place in my heart not made for him. Some of the disappointment I experienced in our marriage came from not understanding the VERY LARGE place in my heart reserved only for the Lord. In time, that place grew larger, infilling the emptiness in my heart, filling me completely.

When I met my intended beloved, of course I still had a few kinks to work out in the man-woman relationship department. One shift was clear however: my need for wholeness was to be met by my Heavenly Husband not my earthly one. Placing too much responsibility on my new husband to meet all of my needs, love me, provide for me, and guide me wasn’t fair to him or me. The One who will always be there perfectly on-time with all the right stuff will only and always be my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Steve is a mighty good second I must admit! Pastor Bill Hybels at Willow Creek Community Church said it best one Sunday service: trust God. Love people. Trust God to meet all of your needs. Love people including your spouse as imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ . . . just like me. All of us have much to give and will fail at some point as well. Only God is perfect. The Lord is to be our first love.

With a perfect God, and a personal relationship through His son, Jesus Christ, we are free to live more lightly each day with the ones we love. We can extend grace, grant forgiveness a little more easily. We can love others and grow closer in fellowship despite all of our foibles. And if you’re like me, you will find love again in all the right places.

Psalm 84

¹How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty! ²My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. ³Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God. ⁴Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

⁵Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. ⁶As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. ⁷They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

⁸Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. ⁹Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.

¹⁰Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. ¹¹For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

¹²Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.

A Bridge Still has Value

Published on March 3, 2014March 3, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Recently a friend challenged me on my reading of a popular devotional by Sarah Young, Jesus Calling (2004, Thomas Nelson Inc.) Since I have referenced at least two of her daily devotions in this blog, I thought I should discuss the book here. Here is my reply:

I re-read the Introduction to Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling plus a few devotionals, listened to Warren Smith’s presentation last year on You Tube about the book (July 24, 2013), and checked out Hank Haanagraf’s remarks from one of his Bible Answer Man broadcasts (November 16, 2012). I see valid criticisms. Sarah Young fails to put a clear focus on the sovereignty of God separate from us; by speaking in the first person she blurs the line. Missing is mention of a clear path to salvation (and the gifts of eternal life in addition to true peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) that comes only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. She tends to bring God along with her instead of placing God as head of the body of Christ; this is often the sign of a carnal Christian or new believer. The book also uses metaphors and popular analogies that are not necessarily Biblical to bring the reader into the perspective of how God might view our daily lives. Her focus on these types of experiences can be problematic for many reasons including misleading a person who tends to be led by emotion instead of the immutable truth of the Word of God. And lastly, the book does nothing to point a seeker to the Bible, a healthy well-balanced Christian church, fellowship with other believers, or educate him or her on the basic tenants of Christian faith.

If Jesus Calling were a Bible commentary, it would fail. If Jesus Calling was intended as a tool for evangelism, it would fail. If Jesus Calling was designed to be used by apologists to defend the faith, they would lose the debate. While she quotes relevant verses with each devotional, her applications might not be universal to everyone (and Warren Smith knocks down many of them). Perhaps she could be more accurate. Perhaps she was taking a little extra literary license to illustrate the softer themes of life represented with verses that are more easily understood?

I am sad that a warm and friendly book that greases the seeker’s heart with a beginning understanding of the nature of God cannot also be more direct about essentials of the Christian faith too. Perhaps a Max Lucado book would do better? He uses poetry and prose with loving imagery to reach the broken hearted as well. Maybe at some level both authors are similar? You could say that their feel-good books distract a person from delving into the Bible yet they could also give another person a place to go when the Bible is just too intimidating. A scholarly book (i.e. the Bible or a commentary) and a scathing review by a New Age fear-monger such as Warren Smith, will not comfort the heart of a person in crisis!

Sarah Young’s book could use some other improvements. I don’t know why her testimony in the beginning does not include a salvation story per se. Does this mean that she is not saved? We just don’t know. Again it is often literary license that an author uses more general terms of faith so as not to scare off wounded seekers that really need Him! Jesus Calling may still be useful as an introduction to a more personal God for a lost soul who may have been hurt by religion or a skewed view of who He really is. Seeing how God really does understand, cares about the details of one’s daily life, and is ever near is clear on these pages. Reading this could help old wounds to heal. Women often need this most. Their minds will still need truth so the seeker should not end his or her search with Jesus Calling, however. The book should have ended with an invitation to a closer relationship with God through His son, Jesus Christ and encourage the reader in his or her next steps as noted in my first paragraph. It does not.

Is it New Agey? The fact that Sarah does not go deeper into essential matters of Christian doctrine could make it look like just another feel good book about a generic God. One might begin to pick apart themes in the devotionals and say that the God in Jesus Calling is not the God of the Bible. And if the God in the book is not the God of the Bible then it must be about Satan or some New Age alternative that is neither one. So the next step could be to claim that Jesus Calling is a New Age book because of this and because of its use of terms reflective of popular culture, the New Age movement. Yes all of this could be true and indirectly move a seeker away from the One true God that he or she had hoped to find in an empty book. Or maybe not. I have more faith in the Lord’s plan for those who earnestly seek after Him. He calls His own. Her or she will find Him in a babbling brook if that is His will!

Many would criticize my own bridge to faith in Christ that was built through the 12 steps of Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics. The daily devotional, One Day at a Time, is quite vanilla. The God of the 12 Steps is generic albeit consistent with the basic tenants of a Christian faith from the Bible. Tis sad that many stop at “recovery” and faith in a Higher Power in these meetings and never find the God of the Bible. But the Lord had a plan for me from that feel-good experience and used those 9 years for His glory. I would have never approached the throne of grace had I not healed from so much while sitting around the tables, held in the basement of many churches and not in the sanctuary.

I make two references to Jesus Calling in my eBook, Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. In the first I quote a nice encouragement Sarah Young gives about: 1) many of us seeing only a part or the “tip of the iceberg” when faced with confusing situations and 2) our needing to trust God for that which we cannot see or comprehend: mysteries. The second time I quote the book I name both Mrs. Young’s devotional along with a secular book of comedy as books with some wisdom but that both are second to the Bible. I wonder if my friend misunderstood me: Jesus Calling is not my second favorite book! I read Jesus Calling over these past 2 years when I was in crisis every day and struggled to hold a heavy Bible let alone concentrate on it. Because it comforted me I included it when writing the eBook. I read my Bible most days anyways, of course! The centrality of the Bible for me and for the eBook should be clear by the over twenty passages of scripture quoted and referenced.

No book is a replacement for the truth, hope, and eternal significance of the Holy Bible. Today I am grateful to have a Bible App on my smart phone that I can easily hold in the palm of my hand in bed during trying times. The Lord has opened my mind to more of His Word and the ability to concentrate on it too. I am grateful for a temporary tool, a small devotional book, that the Lord used to comfort my heart until I could read His Word again. I pray for spiritual armor to protect me and wisdom to discern any unsound doctrine that would harm my relationship to my King, my Savior, Jesus Christ. I also pray that the millions of readers of Jesus Calling would continue to seek the Lord and find Him in the person of Jesus Christ alone. Thank you Lord for my friend’s willingness to dialogue on this important topic. May it all be for Your glory, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

And in the meantime . . .

Published on February 13, 2014February 14, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

November 20, 2011 around noon. I was alone when my body began shaking uncontrollably. I was having difficulty thinking clearly and my speech was strained. All kinds of fearful, crazy thoughts ran through my mind including blaming myself for what was happening! It was the day after travelling about 16 hours to see family out of State and my husband had gotten up early after just a few hours of sleep to go to church and out to lunch with everyone. Having never fully recovered from viral hepatitis 1 1/2 months earlier and somehow surviving the extended car ride, there just wasn’t any strength left to get up in the morning and join them. Now I was immobilized and terrified of what was happening to me. Somehow I figured out that low blood sugar was worsening the symptoms. Finally I figured out that I needed to call Steve: he could bring home a take-out lunch for me from the restaurant and I would hang on until he got home. The only problems is that everyone was stuck on the other side of town anyways, with the drawbridge up that connected the roads between us! Flash forward about two hours and the episode was over. I fell into a fit full sleep and showered much later that day, pretty beat up from everything and quite embarrassed too. What had happened to me?

April 15, 2012 at 3:00 a.m. I awakened on my birthday with a nightmare and unusual shaking. The nightmare wouldn’t stop even though I was awake, whether or not my eyes are closed. I remained awake a long time, unable to fall back asleep. This incident occurred nine days after beginning to use a Rife machine, six days per week. (A Rife machine generates wavelengths of light and sound in program sequences designed to match the vibrational frequencies of various tissues and organisms in the body.) Treatment for Lyme disease had begun in January with a 5-week course of antibiotics then continued with Rife treatments late in March when I could not tolerate the antibiotics.

April 18, 2012 at 9:20 a.m. After running 15 minutes of various Rife programs, I was shivering uncontrollably. My hands and feet felt extremely cold. Fatigue overtook me and I napped almost two hours. I woke up feeling somewhat rested until crashing after additional treatments including the beginning of a series of magnesium injections.

April 19, 2012 around 5:20 p.m. I am suddenly awakened from a post-Rife treatment nap with the barking of our dog. I am unable to move for almost 30 minutes. My mind is dull yet rested until the second Rife treatment two hours later when I felt depleted once again. I learned that this can be a typical response to various treatments for Lyme disease and is often called a herxheimer reaction.

April 21, 2012 around 3:30 p.m. From my treatment journal I note, “moderate then moderately severe tics as I went to take a nap. Cast out with calling out the name of Jesus. Calmed. Re-started. Called out 2-3 more times and stopped.” A two and one-half hour nap followed shortly thereafter! Napping became my pattern after running Rife programs; my days were consumed with managing all the aspects of treatment.

The attacks of tic episodes continued every other day or so, mixed with nightmares most every day through the rest of the month of April. Beginning May 5th, the low grade and severe tic episodes ramped up to virtually every day. Most often they occurred when falling asleep after a Rife treatment or when trying to fall asleep at night. The first extended episode that appeared to be a full-blown waking seizure was on May 12th after a nap. It lasted 1 1/2 hours! I struggled to keep myself from hyperventilating or stop breathing altogether. Talking or voluntary movement were extremely difficult and made the attacks worse when attempted. I cried! My body temperature dropped and both thirst and hunger pangs increased dramatically. I was miserable, exhausted, and terrified all at the same time. While the nightmares would continue most days for another two weeks, they generally ended and recurred occasionally when taking a new medication or supplement.

Flash forward one year. We remediated our home for mold early in 2013 and both my medication and supplement regimes had changed many times. The seizure attack episodes increased to a couple of hours on a daily basis with some patterning in addition to after exposure to noxious stimuli. I stopped attending worship services at our church since it is a water-damaged building with mold. A recurrent urinary tract infection required treatment with a series of different antibiotics. The seizure attack episodes escalated into convulsions 1-2 hours after taking an antibiotic. My world continued crashing in on me as I began reacting to more and more foods, supplements, and types of noxious stimuli including loud music and bright lights. The tic and seizure attacks ramped up in the summer of 2013 to 3-4 times per day for a total of four hours per day and continued at this level for the next EIGHT MONTHS UNTIL JANUARY OF 2014.

In January of 2014 I was very beat up from the wretched seizure-like episodes. Remarkably they generally decreased to three hours-per-day in February after a series of extremely strict dietary regimes: a stricter, no-low-starch-veggie-Candida diet; Candida and mold-free diet; Candida, mold-free, and low sulfur diet; and finally where I am right now: Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet. I have religiously documented my treatment protocols and responses to them, tracked trends, consulted with neurologists & a pulmonologist, networked in numerous online forums and support groups, and researched every angle of this illness to no avail. Overall these days, this sickness is looking more like a biotoxin illness than Lyme Disease as evidenced by some genetic testing of late.

As of February 2014, some improvements have come including being better able to stay asleep and having stronger nails! My hair is thinner and so am I! However, I am largely deconditioned from intolerance to a full daily schedule of activities including exercise; headaches, global pain, ringing in my ears, and more have worsened. I haven’t worked in two years and am homebound much of the week. Concentrating on my hobby jewelry business is extremely difficult. Somehow I have still continued to blog and am grateful for a two-week improvement in my cognition long enough in October to publish my eBook: Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. I am grateful for all of the wonderful fellow sojourners I have met these past 2 1/2 years and have made some new friends too. When I see that a non-believer has read this blog, my spirit soars to think maybe the Lord is using my trials to reach others with hope for His glory! To see the Lord, Jesus Christ, as my sustaining grace and a source of hope for enduring the trials of this life makes this blog more than a journal and for that I am humbled, grateful.

And in the meantime . . . I am ready for the seizure-attacks to stop, of course! My neck is killing me from all of the thrashing about you know! I grieve the loss of time, the thousands of dollars, the stress, the isolation, and the strain on my beloved Steve. Will I become disabled or return to work? There is only One who knows the answers to that question and another big one, “why?” Gentle Reader, if you have read this blog before, you know what I am about to write here: it’s o.k. I’m going to trust the lover of my soul anyways, no matter what happens. I may try another treatment approach before I can see the doctors in a new clinic up in Michigan next month. High CBD hemp oil (legal in all 50 States) has been shown to work well for both children and adults with seizures and who knows, it just might help me too. However, I have been down this road of hoping for a cure before, only to have things worsen. Yeah, supreme bummer for sure. Sigh. It takes what it takes. Sometimes we wait and sometimes we go backwards. If the Lord leads me to some new information and gives me the ability to search it out . . . if my husband agrees . . . if the resources present themselves . . . and if there are no barriers after prayer and sleeping on it . . . sure, Ima gonna try it.

So when it works, Lord willing, you can join me in rejoicing for having hung in there with me along the twists and turns of this difficult journey. I hope I remember to lean on the Lord when times are good as well as when they are bad. Please help me keep my Jesus in front of me as He goes before me each day. Now let’s all get ready for some good news, k!

He knows me so well

Published on February 2, 2014February 3, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded4 Comments

There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is. There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle. Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life. The dangling participle is apropos. I am lost as to my exact location. All I know is how I got here. I have no idea what the game plan is. Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time. Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless. I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on). And then a new problemmo emerges. Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose. That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database. Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test. “Look me in the eye!” is all I am asking. Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?” After all, that is why I am there! I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed. Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point. While I do believe that I will be well someday even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this: I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write. There is nothing left to say. I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit. There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening. That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ. You know my aching heart. You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life. You saw this breaking point long before it came. All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up. I give up. Take me as I am.