Tag: hope in Christ

Moments of happiness

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If there is one thing that enduring a serious illness has taught me it is this:  to live in the moment is Divine!

The moment is all we really have anyways right?  I mean can you re-live the fabulous breakfast you had 6 hours ago or borrow the great night of sleep you might have in 4 more hours right now?  Nope.  While I do value reflecting on the past and hoping for events in the future, I try to LIVE in the moment.  This translates into a lovely collection of coping and being behaviors that keep me sane these days.  Let’s take 10:51 p.m. EST on Sunday, for example.

Steve and I had a really nice time visiting with his son, Daniel, and his girlfriend Elizabeth.  We enjoyed their happiness, love for each other, and sharing of their plans for the future.  Our time together went quickly and I thought little of my discomforts.  Looking ahead, I foresee many good things for them with the blessing of the Lord on their lives together.  Living in the moment, I refused to consider what it would be like, should they get married, trying to navigate various family activities whilst sick on my unpredictable schedule.  Living in the moment whilst lying in bed with seizures right before they arrived, I refused to spend energy trying to figure out what I would say should I not make it to the living room to see them.  The attacks stopped just after they walked in the door.  The worry would have been wasted if I had spent any energy there.  I praise the Lord for helping me in those tenuous moments.  I praise the Lord for our moments of happiness this evening.

Steve and I are looking forward to several family Christmas activities in the next few days, including a church service in the water-damaged building that is our church home.  This will require me to wear a carbon filter mask as soon as I walk in the door and wait to remove it until I enter the shower at home.  This will require both Steve and I to remove our outer clothing and coats when we get home and toss it all in the dryer as soon as we walk in the door.  This will require an awkward conversation with Daniel and Elizabeth about our mold decontamination procedures should they come back to our house later that evening.  So right now, instead of ruminating about all of this, I am choosing to spend my energy looking forward to worshipping in our church home for the Christmas Eve candlelight service.  It will be my first time with Steve there in over 6 months . . .

Moments of true happiness come easily sometimes and other times they require arduous, copious amounts of work.  All I can say is that in this one moment in time, now 11:04 p.m., I am grateful for a few happy moments today.  This is new for me.  Perhaps I am starting to live again?  Yes.  That makes me happy, happy, happy.

Snoopy dancing

Hell on Earth

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I was reminded listening to the words of a friend the other day that not everyone believes that there is both a heaven and a hell.  Funny how choosing to believe something doesn’t exist, does not mean that it in fact does not exist!  If the source for ultimate truth is the Bible, the very representation of God Himself, then this is the place for us to turn on such matters.  Since I am not a Bible scholar, I will enlist the help of Hank Haanagraf from the Christian Research Institute to shed a little light on the subject:

 First, Christ, the Creator of the cosmos, clearly communicated hell’s irrevocable reality. In fact, He spent more time talking about hell than He did about heaven. In the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5–7), He explicitly warned His followers more than a half-dozen times about the dangers that lead to hell. In the Olivet Discourse (Matt. 24–25), He repeatedly told His followers of the judgment to come. In His famous story of the Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16), He graphically portrayed the finality of eternal torment in hell.

Furthermore, the concept of choice demands that we believe in hell. Without hell, there is no choice. Without choice, heaven would not be heaven; heaven would be hell. The righteous would inherit a counterfeit heaven, and the unrighteous would be incarcerated in heaven against their wills, which would be a torture worse than hell. Imagine spending a lifetime voluntarily distanced from God only to find yourself involuntarily dragged into His loving presence for all eternity. The alternative to hell would be worse than hell itself in that humans made in the image of God would be stripped of freedom and forced to worship God against their will.

Finally, common sense regarding justice dictates that there must be a hell. Without hell, the wrongs of Hitler’s Holocaust would never be righted. Justice would be impugned if, after slaughtering six million Jews, Hitler merely died in the arms of his mistress with no eternal consequences. The ancients knew better than to think such a thing.  [“Ask Hank” column of the Christian Research Journal, volume 27, number 1 (2004)]

We read that in hell there will be darkness, eternal separation from God, unquenchable fire, weeping and gnashing of teeth.  For all of eternity, a person will never be able to get comfortable or find relief.  Wow.  All this for turning one’s back on the God of the universe who created each one of us, loves us unconditionally, promises to never leave us or forsake us . . . if we but repent and believe in Him.  A reasonable choice I would say given the rewards, given the consequences for not doing so!  I opt for the eternal party in heaven with streets of gold and the mansion with many rooms He is now preparing for His own.  I trust that many Gentle Readers of this blog have made the same decision for Christ as Lord and Savior.

In the meantime, believers and non-believers alike must live in a fallen world where Satan rules, not God.  What?  Surely God is here, dwells in the hearts of those who love Him, reveals Himself through the wonder of nature and the blessings He bestows upon us, right?  Yes He does.  He will not rule, however, until He comes again in glory at His second coming.  Until then, we must face the consequences of sin and everything short of the Garden of Eden.  At times and increasingly in the world in which we live, we see evil and darkness.  Increasingly we see and experience what we might call “hell on earth.”  Perhaps you have tasted this yourself.  I know I have many times . . . my personal hell plays out every day as I battle a serious illness.  Wretched, man.

If you want to make sure you don’t end up in hell, well then I invite you to get connected to the Lord, Jesus Christ personally.  While there are no guarantees that you will not suffer in this life, you are guaranteed that you will live gloriously in heaven with your Heavenly Father and believers who have gone before you . . . FOREVER.  Now that’s a guarantee that pulls me through any glimpse of hell on earth these days.

All of this is good to reflect on and get straight right before Christmas.  After all, the holiday traditions will fade.  Christmas presents will break down someday and the fruitcake will live on beyond most of us in a garbage dump somewhere!  But even fruitcake will turn to dust eventually.  And when it does I know where I will be.   I will no longer have seizures, chronic illness, and chronic pain.  Everything will be perfect.  (Happy sigh.)

How about you?

Pray without ceasing

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16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5

The pages of my journal are color coded for quick reference to the various noxious symptoms of this ongoing illness.  This system helps when making medical summary documents or answering questions during doctor appointments.  It looks like every line has either blue (for headache), green (pain), orange (seizure attacks), purple (nightmares or waking terrors), or red (flu-like sickness) today.  Whew!  I had planned to write the hairy details directly from my journal for my blog entry today but I think that just mentioning the rainbow of wacky stuff going on is good enough.  But don’t worry.  I am more stable now.  I slept until 5:00 p.m. today with about 1 1/2 hours awake this morning for breakfast and journaling.  This is crazy stuff man.

And yet every speck of color and it’s accompanying saga are part of the Lord’s perfect plan for my life.  I am sad that Steve has to endure this too.  Yet as a believer, to have a wife with a serious illness is part of the Lord’s Divine plan for his life as well.  How this works is such a mystery!  So for me, if I am to live as Christ then I must take His Words into my heart and allow them to breathe life into my achy body each day.  I must pray without ceasing, give thanks for all the goodness that continues all around me, and know that He can use everything for His glory.  This is a mighty responsibility.  Hope I get it right!

Will this time of illness refine me in some way?  Perhaps.  I know that in another time of my life, repeated trials softened the harsh edges of my personality.  I learned that I have a Heavenly Husband and grew in fellowship with Him.  (Oh how I wish every married woman would know the joy of having a perfect partner in life as manifest in the Lord so she could cut her earthly husband some slack a little more often!)  I also witnessed the amazing provision of my King in what appeared to me as “upside down and backwards” most of the time.  In the end, the pieces of my frazzled life came together perfectly.  I even met my knight in shining aluminum (aka the 24-foot box truck that Steve rented to move me from Illinois to Indiana!) who has shown me love like no other person on this earth.  The Lord restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) so to speak, and I was set to live happily ever after . . .

When there’s a major turn of events in the life of a believer, chances are there’s also a major opportunity to receive something wonderful that could not come any other way.  Who changes his or her personality just because it’s Saturday?  No, it usually takes a major train wreck or two for that to happen!  Because the Lord has shown me His faithfulness, His heart, and blessings even in heartache, I will continue to choose to lean on Him, wait on Him for all things.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the thing which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These colorful experiences of mine, good and bad are temporary.  Thank goodness!  Allow me to share with you one more passage that brings this hope home in my heart:

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth.  You hall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side.  Also with the lute I will praise You — and your faithfulness, O my God!  Psalm 71

We have a Heavenly Father who promises to be with us though all of the trials of our lives and redeem them for eternal glory.  Come to His throne of grace with me Gentle Reader and bring before Him all your weariness, hurts and pain.  He sees them and carries them with us.  And one day they will be washed away when either He comes again for His own or we join Him when our time here is through.

Matisse Tree of Life
Matisse Tree of Life

If you do not know Him as Lord and Savior of your life, well, you are missing out on perfect peace and so much more.  I pray that you will consider following Jesus as Lord and Savior of your life.  If you make that decision today, please contact me and tell me all about it.  If you rededicate your love for Him, please tell me that too.  After all, to reach others for Christ is the main reason why this blog is here.  My time of illness and connecting with you today are part of His perfect plan for my life.  They just represent more pretty colors for the threads in the tapestry of my life you might say . . .

Wolfie, the bee and me

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You might think that an Advanced Master Gardener who tested as understanding about garden insects would be a little less squeamish about bugs than the average person?  Er, no.

You might think that scaring the wolf spider who fled under the passenger’s car seat, and the “barrier” of the light of a flashlight and a floor space clear of travel garb in which to hide would make the back seat a safe haven for the 6-hour drive home?  Er, no.  I opted for the trunk of the station wagon!

You might think that I’d be used to a sweat bee pestering us at the outdoor dining patio of a small town restaurant since it’s a common phenomena for late summers in Indiana?  Er, no.

And you might think that the gnat in my wild rice was no big deal since I only planned to eat 2 tiny bites due to dietary restrictions; I’d already eaten them so I shouldn’t care right?  Er, no.

Yeah, you might think that a 15-hour road trip to pick up my River Bear husband’s new kayak would be uneventful for the dutiful wife passenger . . . er, no!  For me it was the little things that meant a lot when they were crawling and flying too close to my personal body parts, facial orifices, and comfort zones!  Perhaps the 7 or so tic and seizure attack zips during the afternoon put me a little on edge for the first leg of the trip from Fort Wayne, Indiana to Erie, Pennsylvania.  I had brought ample snacks, blankies, and a pillow for maximum cushy; the lush countryside as we travelled from the flat soybean fields of our homeland to the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains made for ample eye candy in between rest stops as well.  I guess I didn’t do so well after all.  I just wonder why spontaneous adventures like these can no longer be, er, “normal?”

Sorry for the down mood.  I spent most of the day in bed today recovering from our day trip.  Gratefully, Steve has a beautiful Epic V12 surf ski in mint condition now, for a steal-of-a-deal price:  $500 below the boat he sold to get it.  My guy sure knows how to trade boats!  As for me, I missed attending a meaningful wedding this afternoon with my beloved and many of our friends from church; I had more tic attacks and convulsions plus an additional 4 1/2 hours of sleep instead!  I woke up worthless except for the intact ability to cruise the internet in bed for hours.  Gratefully I’d made dozens of veggie turkey burgers two nights ago to sustain me with the intermittent, partial bag of Beanitos chips.  Ahhhhh, such is the life of a person lost in the recovery from Lyme Disease.

So where am I now?  I’m more stable as I’ve passed my bewitching hour of 9 to 11:00 p.m. when I usually have a noxious episode.  Thank the Lord I already covered that one earlier today!  My husband has graciously attended to some house chores and provided an occasional kiss of encouragement here and there.  I, too, would have liked to have hidden in the dark under the “seat of life,” buzzed about aimlessly until I found what I was looking for, or curled up next to the softness of a mound of carbs . . . I guess from here I will proceed otherwise.

It’s time for me to crawl like the slow-moving sow bugs on our hardwood floors, before the Throne of Grace.  I need Jesus.  I need an infilling of the Holy Spirit, nothing else.  I need to go it alone at what ever miles per hour it takes to drive home into my heart that this too shall pass.  My thoughts need softening and only the Lord can bring this gently, lovingly, perfectly.  Oh my Jesus, meet me here this night.  Let there be Your light and nothing else.  Thank you Lord for hearing me.

Just Julie

And then the dog threw up

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Elle's Bone
Elle’s Bone

It’s all over now.  The Lord sustained us through another crazier than imaginable 24 hours.  If all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), then all is well in this moment.

From Steve’s side:  he worked all day yesterday, drove to our home (undergoing mold/dust restoration), moved furniture, gathered a few things from Julie’s short list, ran his clothes through the dryer (to remove the noxious dust), showered, then drove back to the hotel room to meet his bride around 12:30 a.m.  Dinner was waiting and so was elusive sleep . . .

From Julie’s side:  I had endured days of noxious neuromuscular events (aka “herxing”) as a side effect of a new round of antibiotics, completed a medical appointment and Lyme treatment, arranged for the furnace to be cleaned in the hotel room, made dinner, and tried to get myself to sleep after making/cleaning up from dinner.  Seizure attacks interrupted my sleep and woke up Steve a few times as well, unfortunately.  I felt terrible for him!  Headaches and a myriad of yucky symptoms returned for me and I was unable to get up and take an Epsom salt bath to help mitigate the symptoms.  By 4:15 a.m. I was too numbed out too be bummed.  Perhaps that’s grace, I suppose.

The alarm went off to attempt to wake me from whatever sleep had transpired.  Steve turned it off and I drifted off to sleep for a moment until the sound of our dog gasping then heaving awakened both of us.  Yuck!  I dragged her into the bathroom just in time for the lamb bone from yesterday to make it’s reappearance.  Well, we were both out of bed by this time!  Happy Wednesday.

Steve decided to go into work a little late today and went back to bed.  As for me, the dentist appointment was a disaster.  This is recovery from Lyme Disease on a bad day.  It ain’t for wimps!  Even the maximum amount of nitrous oxide was not enough to prevent re-triggering seizure attacks as the procedure began.  The dentist and hygienist were gracious in employing every coping strategy we could muster to get me through it; the warmed water in a syringe for rinsing and the blue “blanky” helped some.  What was to be two procedures in two hours turned out to be one procedure in three hours plus 10 minutes on straight oxygen, 30 minutes in the lobby, and 30 minutes in my vehicle in the parking lot.  Whew.  I guess that I’m just on a different time table that’s all?

I do believe the NIKKEN Kenkotherm comforter with advanced magnetic technology is calling me for a nap about now.  I’m on a new antibiotic and I feel more stable.  Thank you Lord for my coconut yogurt treat when I got back to the room. And I love the feel of my warm puppy at my feet as I’m writing this to you from the hotel lobby.  The staff is so nice here.

********************************************************************

Nope.  Still not “there yet.”  Just endured another temporary setback that’s all.  Still haven’t arrived at “the station” noted in the Part 2 blog and may never fully “get there.”  This moment is good.  It’s all I have anyways.

You know, I think I need some chips too.  :J