Vampire Diaries 3

“It’s only a day away,”

The curly haired girl would sing on stage

‘Cause the sun did come out “tomorrow”

And that was all that shined over here, alas.

Bedbound once again

I search my mind in wonder:

What penance doth I need to serve?

What sin doeth I need forgiveness?

Thy husband is off on his adventures

And I am here, alone with you

Exasperating in another lost day

Where even the counselor had little to say.

My Lord is silent on such an occasion

Perhaps waiting for me to simply dwell

And know that He is there

Even when I cannot see, feel, or touch His face.

Is this my fate, I ask to the silence around me?

Perhaps it is.  Perhaps nothing will ever change.

I am to rejoice the Scriptures tell me forthright

That must come from grace for my strength fails,

Lest a key drops into my space with some goodness

This day I will simply breathe one nare at a time

(Until the pounding in my head subsides, alas.)

Psalm, psalm 139, 9-10, dwell, peace, Scripture, Christian, strength, darkness

 

 

The full moon cometh

It ain’t over yet . . . but we are not giving up either.

Starting Over

Start today and create a new ending

Might be my mantra on this date:

My calendar awash with the death of my phone

Leaving empty spaces in the blocks that measured time.

Oh how I valued my days, my worth by that thingy

When asked to justify this or that,

I could find the day/the hour when the lost hope began

From another closed door once opened with promise, no less.

(Oh why cannot I recall the goodies lain in there too?)

So many files on paper or electronic memory stored away

In my weighty storage that marks thy years, thy self

Perhaps defining who I was over the decades

Including these five years of hell that came to roost.

“But what if I forget?” was be my byline to save

The records of divorce, of deaths, of expertise, of treatments once lived . . .

I suppose I collected hoping to arise somehow better

And yet somehow as my receptacles filled my person emptied too.

Perhaps now is the time to infill on the inside

Not in a black metal coffin with folders numbered by letter

But by character and trust:

That the Holy Spirit within me holds it all in order anyways.

He knows what I will need, where the important things are in His care

When I draw on my Lord’s infinity —

Not the confines of my mind or spaces

Lest I limit my future by my past by carrying too many things.

Yes, let the purging begin.

Let the trusting run faster and freely.

Let the light of hope return even in the faintest of twilight.

Let me start over with a new ending:  this time Divine.  JJ

*****************

Gentle Reader:  This day for us both “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:17-19Niagra Falls, Buffalo, Canadian, falls, rainbow, trusting God

 

Spacey but upright

There’s no pretending when the story gets bizarre.  I mean who could make this stuff up?

As the grace of the Lord has blessed, I am not bedridden thus far in the ramp up of treatment for a serious protozoal infection.  Just headaches, increased convulsive episodes at night or morning, achiness, and fits-n-starts of my ability to function.  While this is certainly awful, I was sick like this every day for the middle years of these 4.5 years of illness so I am kind of familiar with it.  This time we can call it a “herxheimer” (die-off) reaction and temporary!  I am thinking that I have benefitted from a pretty comprehensive protocol that has finally come together:

  • Ongoing IV Rocephin and fluids via home infusions 3x per week for the treatment of chronic Lyme disease, per my Lyme Literate Medical Doctor (LLMD).
  • Weekly injections of a compounded B-vitamin and prescribed nutritional suspension.
  • Weekly injections of a bio-homeopathic treatment for a newly diagnosed autoimmune disease (to start in 2 days).
  • Additional IV fluids now pending to combat dehydration and the effects of the anti-fungal protocol.
  • Supplements to improve calcium trafficking as prescribed by my naturopath and genetic coach.
  • Pharmaceutical grade supplements including an iodine protocol.
  • A switch from filtered water to non-fluoridated, purified bottled water.
  • Anti-fungal and biofilm busting treatment of protomyxzoa rheumatica (formerly known as FL 1953).
  • Continued mold/sugar/sweetener/dairy/gluten-free, low oxalate and glutamate diet.
  • Mineral baths and celtic sea salt supplementation.
  • Detoxification via far-infrared sauna, nutritional binding compounds, and periodic colon hydrotherapy.
  • A fabulous support system.
  • Rest.  Gardening when possible.  Rest.

Unfortunately the bills are piling up as Steve and I go along.  At some point we will need to decide how comprehensive of a plan is really needed long term due to the significant expense when insurance covers virtually nothing.  For now all I can say is that I continue to move in a direction of recovery and we will figure out the rest as the Lord leads.  Our prayers, your prayers are being answered.  Thank you for praying.  Praise the Lord!

 

Thank you Jesus for the hope we have in you and that I can see in my life.  And please bless my faithful husband, Steve!  Lord willing, I am going to get well!  :JJ

Psalm 20:7 (NIV)

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

The glove on the sidewalk

In Christ there are no “coincidences,” just Divine touchstones:  those events orchestrated by the Lord for our good, for His glory.  Sometimes we get to see His hand and sometimes we don’t.  And other times things look too dark to come from our loving, sovereign, holy Father.  These can all be quite mysterious this side of heaven, eh?  Less so for me these days.  My faith has grown to trust the Lord in all things (even the ones I don’t understand).  Allow me to elaborate from my world of late.

I was walking into a medical appointment today and saw a glove lying on the sidewalk next to an adjacent garage.  I used a tissue to pick it up since it looked soiled then I noted that it looked quite familiar.  Yes, it was the glove I had “temporarily misplaced” last week!  But how could it have remained here in this sort of prominent place unnoticed for seven whole days?  Who knows?  Chances are that I dropped it off my lap onto the blacktop when I exited my vehicle and it simply blew over to the sidewalk inch by inch until it’s black silhouette was easier to see against the lighter-colored cement.  The staff person in the office helped me figure it out.  I was dumbfounded!

Similarly, I have found little God-moments in the arduous process of transitioning from IV infusions at an outpatient clinic to my home.  When you are forced into a private-pay healthcare service there is no one to assist you with navigating the 18 agencies, 6 pharmacy/supply companies, coordination of care, financial arrangements, medical orders, and “GO” button to make it all happen within a week of making the decision to do all of this.  Today was treatment day number 2!  Whew and thank you Lord!  I have been taking more naps since it all came together probably due to the stress of it all more than anything else.  There is still more to do but hey, no worries.  I’m on it!

Huber needle

The research the Lord empowered me to do has become another blessing.  First, the pharmacy I initially chose did not have the Safe Set Huber needle that would work better than what I had been sent to access my power port.  My nurse was able to quickly contact another provider on my list to have the one pictured above and some other supplies sent to my home in time for treatment #3.  No problemmo, the pharmacist essentially personally texted me from her home late Friday afternoon.  Now that’s service!

home, infusions, IV, treatment, Rocephin, ceftriaxone, home care, home health, nursing, port, power port, hospital, treatement, Lyme, disease, chronic
My new treatment space!

In another example, it looked like renting 2 infusion pumps would add a lot of expense and complexity to the home care until a “mistake” happened during one of my last treatments at the outpatient clinic.  The lab mixed the reconstituted antibiotic with the 500 cc of normal saline instead of dispensing them separately.  This would change the dosing that we had landed on to prevent seizure attacks during the hour-long infusions.  As it turns out, I tolerated the combined treatments just fine.  So there would be no need for the rental of 2 pumps, no extra expense, and not even a need for expensive, pre-filled “ball” or elastomeric pumps.  I ordered an IV pole ($20) and the meds pre-mixed into the bag of fluids instead.  Cool beans.  But all this still does not mean that I want to become a nurse ya know!

The Lord is in the details of our lives, Gentle Reader.  He knows them, He sees them, He cares about them, He grieves them, He loves over them and us too.  Just when we think that God is nowhere to be found, we need to look a little more closely at the small stuff.  We need to move the space from “God is nowhere” to “God is now here.”  He never leaves us or forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6) even in the midst of trials.  The trials may be the very place when we may see Him the best.  Take a look this week and be sure to tell me about it, k?  JJ

Psalm 139.17.18