endurance – Page 15 – Jesus is for the Wounded

They came, they went, and life goes on

Published on February 4, 2014February 4, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important: the good ones soften the others!

I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening. Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years. Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB). Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks. The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly. Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside. A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head. Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time. However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter. To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .

Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet. Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday. He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members. I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me. This was a mixed blessing. I appreciate others asking and praying for me. Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter. Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.

One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital. Yipes! We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon. Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich. I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m. That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home. Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does. Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday. Before we knew it the evening was over. Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.

And so it goes. Life goes on. Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night: at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group. This is good. I am glad and it was worth the wait. :J

Into the Night

Published on January 26, 2014January 26, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

I am finally awake, stable, and coherent all at the same time! It is now 12:48 a.m. Such is life.

On a good note, I was able to march around outside this evening in my snowshoes for about 30 minutes this evening. The night air felt bitterly cold yet the sky was clear with all of the stars visible in our Midwestern corner of the world. I love seeing our German Shepherd, Elle, jump from one snow drift to the other as she chases after my husband and me. But perhaps my most favorite moment was seeing her waiting for me as she looked into the house from outside on our covered porch. Steve had taken off cross country skiing in the backyard and pond area. She usually follows him closely, often pouncing behind him in his tracks when the snow is deep. Today she knew that I would be headed out with him shortly after he left and there she was: waiting with her big expectant brown eyes. Ah the love of one’s pup!

Sometimes when I am alone it is hard to feel the love that I know exists in my life. When I am the sickest each morning this is especially true. For me it seems that so much of the success of recovering from this time of illness will lie in what I do with the grief of the trauma I have experienced. For over two years now, I have felt traumatized by the wretched seizure attack episodes that wrench my body with pain, headaches, cognitive changes, ringing in my ears, crying, spontaneous vocalizations, and violent seizing. For over two months, the episodes last around four hours total per day with the worst ones occurring in the evening. The sadness can be overwhelming; the disappointment each time they return can be heavily discouraging. Both can lead to a sense of emptiness that is devoid of love, hope, and meaning. At some point I recover enough from an attack to get something to eat or drink. Even eye contact with the lone pet left behind with me when everyone else in my life has gone off to work or some other noble activity can be a mixed blessing: comforting and protective (yes) yet a pittance for more meaningful human contact. By the way, where is God?

Yes, I often long for Jesus with skin on at these times. I am grateful that most recently I have found Him in the caring voice of a friend on the phone and always in the loving embrace of my beloved Steve. Sometimes I miss picking up the phone and calling my mom. This desire to connect with her seems stronger the more the years go by since she passed away nearly seven years ago. I guess it is normal when a person goes through a time of testing or sorrow to desire the comfort and wisdom of a parent no matter what your current age might be. If my mom were still alive today I think she would want me to keep moving, keep going, keep trying despite the setbacks. O.K. mom: will do. For tonight I’m going to call on the One who sees me whether or not my husband is around, the dog is awake, a friend is home to answer the phone, or my self-soothing words in my heart to my deceased mother means anything. I’m going to the throne of grace.

My dear friend mentioned Psalm 91 yesterday. Here are some gems from the Psalm to which those with an anxious heart often turn:

Psalm 91

¹Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.²I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

**************

¹⁴“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

From Bibleclassics.com I found this little gem of insight into Psalm 91 that spoke to my heart this night: “Whatever happens, nothing shall hurt the believer; though trouble and affliction befal, it shall come, not for his hurt, but for good, though for the present it be not joyous but grievous. Those who rightly know God, will set their love upon him. They by prayer constantly call upon him. His promise is, that he will in due time deliver the believer out of trouble, and in the mean time be with him in trouble. The Lord will manage all his worldly concerns, and preserve his life on earth, so long as it shall be good for him. For encouragement in this he looks unto Jesus.”

Yes, thank you Matthew Henry. I will hold onto the psalmist’s words of comfort inspired by my Lord who sees me on my bed of sickness, who promises He will never leave me or forsake me. And if it be His will, He will deliver me from my suffering. Into this night and for the rest of my nights I will ultimately rest in the loving arms of the one who is showing me His goodness despite the darkness. No matter what the next day might bring I will trust You. No matter what the next hour may bring I will wait on You.

No matter what you too may endure Gentle Reader, I hope that you will be encouraged that your sadness or disappointment does not go unnoticed by the Lord who loves you too. He is worthy of our faith. And I know if we both but believe in Him, we will be blessed in some special way that will transcend our nights, our days. In the meantime He will not frustrate us beyond our ability to cope and will provide a way out when overwrought with temptation. These are promises in His Word and truths by which we can endure all things. We will never be alone. His eyes will always be smiling towards us through the looking glass of life. JJ

I’m stuck to my chair!

Published on January 22, 2014January 22, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded5 Comments

Again it seems that my greatest clarity of thought arrives after 3:00 a.m.! Such a strange phenomenon. I am always amazed at all of us web crawlers on Facebook at this tender hour. So I’m not alone after all. So it’s o.k. then, right?

Sometimes I’m not so sure I’m doing this thing right: trying to recover from a serious illness that is. The findings, colorful cords, and beading wonders of Trinity Jewelry by Design sit right behind me, untouched for almost 2 months. The creative juices appear to be flowing more through the keyboard than the macramé knotting board these days. Who can think in color when just three hours earlier I was nearly wretching from the noxious seizing of my once functional central nervous system? Tics of organic origin. Non-epileptic seizures. Whatever. I miss the once creative and functional Julie!

My beloved Steve is so gracious with me at these low times. All I could do tonight was yelp and squeak a bit as he sat within earshot in our nightly arrangement of sorts. I muttered a “help” and he came near, warming my frigid hands and feet with his comforting frame. The episode continued, alas, for another hour or more. Frankly, I lost track of time. All I know is that I did not make dinner this evening; I’ve got another shot at making his lunch for work tomorrow after we part ways tonight Gentle Reader. Looks like I’ll be able to pull some good eats together this evening after all.

In the song by Casting Crowns, Mark Hall sings of praising the Lord in the heartache of life’s storms. Perhaps you remember this moving Lifesong ballad from 2006?

Praise you in the Storm

Yes, and perhaps you remember me posting it in a previous blog last year as well. No big deal. No matter how many times it takes, no matter how many tears may fall, and no matter how many blog posts you may endure the message will still be the same: my face is towards my Immanuel through the storm to the rainbow waiting for me at it’s end. Period. There is nothing else for me to do. My Lord has seen fit to keep me here with lightening bolts running through my mind each day. Seizures can kill people. I am still here. For me the seizure attacks are a bit of a right of passage. The more I have, the more my angst turns into breaths of anticipation. What will come with the next breath? No worries about tomorrow. The moment here and now! If my mind wanders to anything stressful, the symptoms worsen. So I am learning to live in the length of one breath at a time. One s-i-n-g-l-e b-r-e-a-t-h at a time.

No wonder it is difficult to leave my chair most evenings! I am weak and tooling around on the computer is certainly a step up from lying there, writhing in bed. Nausea and sweats can increase if I do too much unless there is some sort of a clearing phenomenon first. When that happens I do as much as I possibly can before the freedom ends. Sometimes I’m not quite finished with a task when sickness returns; it’s always a bit tricky when that happens. And that’s when the Lord adds His incredible increase, endurance, grace. I cling to the God-breathed promises of His Holy Word and He delivers me without fail. This is where my spiritual gift of faith comes from: witnessing His faithfulness in my times of need. Faith brings hope as well.

He is worthy of your cries my friend. No matter how big or how small, the God of infinite mercy and love is ready, willing, and able to receive the desires of your heart. If you don’t believe me then your definition of God is not big enough. ‘Nuff said.

I guess it’s time to get up now. Will it be leftover barbeque meatloaf or smoked turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow? Gee, maybe I can even melt some cheese on the bread for a tasty treat. I love spoiling my Stevers. He is so good to me. :J

So much to say, so few words

Published on December 6, 2013December 6, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Taking a cross country trip this past week when weak was an optimistic undertaking. Of course there were trials and ongoing mayhem. And in the midst of it all, there were unexpected blessings too.

Relax, I won’t go on here with a long blah, blah, blog about our recent 3000 mile journey from Indiana to Texas and back! I’m sure it will unfold in the days and blogs to come. Let’s just say that overall, the dog had a great time! She played in the wide open spaces of my sister and brother- in-law’s 5 acre ranch teasing the Golden Retriever, taunting the snarls of the old Chocolate Lab, and skirting the advancement of Armani (the spirited mare and companion of Buddy, pictured below). Our pup Elle looks depressed at home alone today. I must say that I understand completely.

Today begins the first day of a new treatment regime for a serious systemic infection. As you can see by the time of this writing, I have avoided my second dose for a few hours now. Sish. I’m such a weenie sometimes. But hey, can you blame me? After 2 years of promising treatment approaches and wretched responses to virtually all of them, I am less than brave anymore. So in a few words as promised: I’m leaning on the Lord today, grateful for surviving 8 days away from home with some precious memories as a bonus, and slowly getting all of the laundry done. The rest of the last bag of Beanitos chips is well on its way to my tummy as I say goodbye to one of my few remaining treats to prepare for Candida warfare. From here and for at least the next month, I’m hitting this beast head-on. The first few days are usually the hardest. So what: it’s time you met your match you fungus among us!

My spiritual preparation comes from the words of the apostle Paul in 2 Timothy 4. My prayers are for merciful endurance, victory, strength for my husband, and glory to The King:

⁶For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. ⁷I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. ⁸Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Seeya when I can. Take care all, Just Julie

For the Downtrodden

Published on November 19, 2013November 19, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Having a bad day?

Let the words of the Lord wash over you and see where you land after that. Just took me to a better place. How ’bout you?

Psalm 107 (NIV)

¹Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

²Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, ³those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.

⁴Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. ⁵They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. ⁶Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. ⁷He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. ⁸Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, ⁹for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

¹⁰Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, ¹¹because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. ¹²So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. ¹³Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. ¹⁴He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains. ¹⁵Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, ¹⁶for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

¹⁷Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. ¹⁸They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. ¹⁹Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. ²⁰He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. ²¹Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. ²²Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

²³Some went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. ²⁴They saw the works of the Lord, his wonderful deeds in the deep. ²⁵For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. ²⁶They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. ²⁷They reeled and staggered like drunkards; they were at their wits’ end. ²⁸Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. ²⁹He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. ³⁰They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. ³¹Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. ³²Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

³³He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground, ³⁴and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there. ³⁵He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; ³⁶there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle. ³⁷They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; ³⁸he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish.

³⁹Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled by oppression, calamity and sorrow; ⁴⁰he who pours contempt on nobles made them wander in a trackless waste. ⁴¹But he lifted the needy out of their affliction and increased their families like flocks. ⁴²The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths.

⁴³Let the one who is wise heed these things and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.