Obedience is one of those words like “discipline.” Not popular either one of them, yet both separate the whining cry babies from the mature adults amongst us. For believers in Jesus Christ, obedience matures our faith and transforms us into the image of Christ (a work never completed during our lifetimes). In our humanity our flesh tugs at us to rebel or be tempted in directions other than the leading of the Holy Spirit. But by focusing on His incredible gift of grace, studying His holy Word, and submitting to the leading of the Holy Spirit we will end in a better place for sure. I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of others. His will is best. His timing is best. Why? Because He loves us and because He is God!
These thoughts came to me after reading an interview of Ravi Zacharias in the RZIM Summer 2015 newsletter and listening to a message by Pastor Paul Mowery of Harvest Fellowship in Leo, Indiana. At the close of his message on Romans 11, Pastor Paul encourages us to “be about worship,” praising His great name for having mercy on us as recipients of the Lord’s grace. We are not to dwell on what each of us may have done that draws attention to ourselves. We are to be about Him: worshipping our Father God.
Lately I am struggling with these themes. Many of my posts here have tried to pull something meaningful out of the challenges of a wretched illness. As the days wear on with the setbacks of late, I have found myself literally screaming out my anger at God with the wails that accompany the convulsive seizures. “Why do you hate me?” Oh yeah, it’s bad. Even my beloved Steve who has been at my side during a fair amount of this hell admits his anger at God. And we are convinced that this is an o.k. thing to do. It is not an o.k. place to stay, however. And it is certainly not an acceptable attitude to act upon.
You simply cannot be angry at someone whom you do not love dearly. Such is our dilemma. We both love the Lord, Jesus Christ, and are humbled, grateful for His mercies in each of our lives. We have so much goodness between us! We are grateful for so much! And in our humanity we are broken and don’t like the brokenness. Way down deep we are hurting and it is this hurt that fuels the anger. Admitting this will be the way out, the way back to fellowship, the discipline that will bring obedience, the song of worship yet to come . . .
7 So, as the Holy Spirit says:
“Today, if you hear his voice, 8 do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness, (Hebrews 3)
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Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. 2 He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house.3 Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself.4 For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. (Hebrews 3)
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6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1)
Today with the faith of a mustard seed (that I understand is rich in nutrients of which I am needing anyways!) I will choose to honor and worship the Lord, my King. He has built this frame in which I dwell and within it dwells the Holy Spirit. Broken or not, it is the vessel from which I will praise His name all of my days. I lay my angst on His mighty throne of grace, with great expectation of His promise to redeem it for His glory.
May He be glorified in all. My Jesus. My all in all. Worthy of our praise. Worthy is this Lamb of God! JJ
Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22
But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel. Philippians 1:12
I am 2 days post surgical removal of 2 root-canaled teeth and THE CONVULSIONS ARE GONE!!! Yipppeeee and praise the Lord! This 3 years of daily hell for me and my beloved husband, Steve, is finally over!
While there is still much work to do to detox mercury toxicity and re-evaluate chronic Lyme and mold illnesses, I feel more optimistic that I will be able to tolerate those treatments someday. Until this week, I was failing. I was bedridden most every day with convulsive episodes. The grief and impact was huge on everything from our finances to my aching neck. My husband no longer got a full night of sleep and this illness had changed virtually every activity inside/outside of our home. How would Steve find me when he came home from work? Would he have to make me my pureed dinner and feed me again before bed tonight? Carry me to the toilet? Our hearts were weary after 3 years of this living hell.
Nine months ago I began investigating how two sore molars in the upper left section of my jaw might be impacting my health. Four dentists and three oral surgeons, a cone beam CT, MRI, and pano plus regular x-rays later (including a consultation out of State) we had no objective data to guide us. Everything looked “fine.” The teeth had bothered me for over 13 years! Fifteen years ago I had all my amalgam fillings removed but was never guided to chelate for mercury. Were there silver filings containing mercury remaining underneath the crowns over these two teeth? We will never know the answer to that question. My saliva had started tasting metallic. Eating started triggering the convulsive episodes. With Steve’s support, we took an expensive leap of faith and pursued a dental solution.
Additionally, seven weeks before what would become the big day, I started eating only on the right side of my mouth. Two and one-half weeks later I started a pureed diet to eliminate the chewing action that seemed to make things worse; all this was quite a feat since my struggle to get well led me to eat low oxalate, virtually dairy-free, and completely sugar/sweetener-free, gluten-free, and mold -free foods too! Another two weeks later and 1 week before the surgery I noticed that using plastic utensils delayed the onset of convulsions after eating. Even drinking my foods through a straw helped initially then ultimately triggered episodes. I feared eating anything at all! The only problem with that was hunger and thirst could also trigger convulsions or make them worse. I felt trapped!
Three and one-half days before the dental surgery my doctor recommended trying an EMF deflecting device. “It might help” he said, like so many other recommendations I had received all over the spectrum of traditional and alternative medical care. After one such technology (a Rife machine called a Beam Ray) I tried 3 years ago to treat “Chronic Lyme,” the daily tic attacks started. Within a year these episodes would escalate to waking seizure attacks then convulsive episodes lasting 2 to 5 hours per day. We had tried to shield me from wireless technology in our home in the past yet the results were initially helpful then inconsistent. This time the GEOMACK from Spain reduced the intensity of the convulsions 50%. That reduction gave me a tiny boost of strength that I needed to physically and mentally prepare for surgery. My husband got some much needed sleep as well! Could their be an electrical cause after all? (See this blog for more anatomy and discussion.)
The morning of the surgery went as usual. Convulsive episodes began shortly after opening my eyes and periodically as we prepared to leave the house. Seizure zips ripped through my hungry and thirsty frame as my beloved drove us to the hospital. We were still reeling from the large check we had to carry with us since the oral surgeon insisted on performing the extractions near a crash cart, I guess. And after some prayers, many silly jokes and one last shake/rattle/and roll with placement of the IV in my arm, the time had come to let go and not look back. We reviewed my situation with the anesthesiologist and oral surgeon, surgical tech, and several nurses. They were not to abort the mission if I seized under anesthesia! Just wait a moment and get the job done.
I’d like to say that I woke up in a calm, blissful state but that simply was not the case. I became nauseous and pain management was a problem over the next day and one-half. Oh well. One thing was certain: THERE WERE NO SEIZURES OR CONVULSIONS! The “battery effect” of dissimilar metals in 2 adjacent crowns over root-canaled teeth WERE FRICKIN’ GONE! No more tazoring of my brain would continue. And hey, if there was hidden infection in the root-canaled teeth then the problems caused therein are now also “history.” The hell is over.
My job now includes retraining my brain to relax when falling asleep instead of bracing for impact. My job now includes remembering all of the relaxation techniques I used to train my patients in psychiatric hospitals to deal with anxiety. I need to rework those memory pathways and feelings of impending doom that followed me, waited for me every night, every morning, every time when I was exposed to noxious stimuli, or even on the clothing or breath of my beloved anytime, anywhere. Hey, no problemmo. I am ready to live and the extended forecast is good!
Thank you and big hugs to those of you who have followed my story for any length of time, You have been an important part of my lifeblood to go on when I could not. Sometimes my husband could not be home with me and I was alone, feeling terrified mostly of even greater suffering and it came. The worst episodes were never captured on YouTube videos because my warrior husband was needed to hold me tightly to keep me from greater harm instead of holding onto a camera. Sometimes the Lord was silent even when I cried out to Him when breathless, facing death again and again when my breathing stopped. When He did speak I gained the courage I needed to face the next trial. In the end, death was not my greatest fear. Dying without my Heavenly Husband was.
But you know what? I made it through. Steve made it through. A new chapter in our lives is about to begin. I’m going to take some time now and regroup. I am very weak. An infusion of my Jesus is needed. The warmest embrace with my beloved must follow. And really good food cannot be far behind. After tomorrow the putty d’ jour will be history! Yeah God!
Pureed Organic Tri-Color Carrots & Cauliflower, Bacon, Organic Beef & Potato Chips, Homemade Broth, and Sea Salt in the Recovery Room!
With love, JJ
But the Lord was my support. He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. Psalm 18:18b-19
Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22
UPDATE: The holiday from convulsive episodes did not last, unfortunately. There were many benefits from having these two infected teeth removed: significantly less mouth pain, less congestion in the upper shoulder and neck, decreased TMJ symptoms, decreased auditory anomalies, reduced ringing in my ears, and more. Then there was a miracle: our insurance company covered most of the $10,000 bill. Amazing! :J
This blog began as I started treating my own serious illness as Chronic Lyme disease. While the journey has taken many different diagnostic twists and turns since then, I am grateful to have met along the way many wonderful people battling this terrible disease. Making Lyme disease awareness bracelets kept me sane in those early days of illness and when first launching my online jewelry business: Trinity Jewelry by Design.
I am now closing the Lyme disease awareness section of my jewelry business to focus on other projects. Eleven very cute and pretty bracelets are now available at 60% savings for your fundraiser, gifting, or other Lyme awareness activities. Could they be sweet for St. Patrick’s Day coming up this week? You decide. Below is a sampling of the styles available in this package deal. For more information, head to my online shop at: Trinity Jewelry by Design Lyme Closeout Sale.
Take care, Gentle Reader, and thank you for your support during this wonderful season of TJ by D. Just Julie
This is a tough one for me and likely for everyone reading this at some level or another. Let’s add a Biblical perspective:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; 26 it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3:25-26)
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. (Galatians 6:9)
And there is more from my own experience in life. Waiting on the Lord in the past was where my faith in Him was strengthened. I remember a time when the crisis was so severe that the Pastor and Elders in my church kept asking me how I was doing with the basics of life: eating, drinking enough fluids and sleeping. Yes, they were all a struggle. By the grace of God and many good sojourners I got through that season of life with sweet victory. And here I am again in another . . .
March 26th is the day that Steve and I hope everything will start to change for the better. As written in the potato chip blog, we believe that a dental procedure will vastly reduce if not eliminate the hours of daily convulsive episodes. Yesterday it was on and off for 24 hours! You know it’s bad when you see stars and are gasping for air. Despite nearly a hundred episodes, somehow I read a book while in lying in bed. It served to protect my mind from dwelling on the wretchedness when I could focus. I am hoping it preserves a few of the neuronal synapses in my brain from damage. And focusing despite the pain does carry me through the daytime, the nighttime. Talking to Jesus a lot is a given . . . .
Thirteen more days and this hell could be over. In one month will be the 3-year anniversary of when the tics began while thinking I needed to treat a clinical diagnosis of Lyme disease with a fancy Rife machine. The Beam Ray was a mistake for me. It has taken 3 long years and many failed attempts at various treatments to figure out what is causing the tazoring of my central nervous system. Lord willing with removal of the source of what could be “dental galvanism” in my head, I will begin to heal from so much. And so in my weakness I rest at the throne of grace that delivers me each day unto the next. Lord willing, I am going to get well. Off in the distance is the hope of this new beginning for me and my beloved, Stevers. We are hopeful that His goodness awaits.
Gentle Reader: Just wait for the shining glory of His light through the words on this page as that day comes. Are you ready for it? Brace for impact! It’s going to be a good day real soon! Like the old Barbara Streisand song goes, “there ain’t no tellin’ what a satisfied woman can do!” ;J
I’ve taken on a few phrases from others and made them my own over the years, ones that put a bunch of thoughts into a phrase or short sentence. Not that these would bode well as my epitaph or anything like that mind you! They just seemed to stick with me. Here’s a biggie from an old supervisor named Jim. He was a social worker by training and the director of the inpatient geriatric psychiatric unit where I was contracted to work. When asked how things were going he would often reply:
“Same story, different day.”
Funny thing is that it was largely true. On the Generations Unit there generally was at least one person every day screaming non-stop, voiding in an inappropriate location, wandering into another patient’s room unannounced, refusing to eat, refusing to get out of bed, or making up a story to convince him and psychiatrist that he/she did not need to be there. Yes it was a crazy place. That’s what you get when the nursing homes send their residents whose behavior can no longer be managed in their facility. It is also where a depressed little old lady or your suicidal Uncle Pete would go for supportive therapies, meds., daily structured activities, and a round of ECT if needed (aka shock therapy!). The latter actually worked very well for older adults. The short term memory loss and massive headache was a major drag for awhile, however!
I worked there as an occupational therapist. My role was to evaluate the functional level of the patient and assist the team in forecasting discharge plans while providing therapeutic activities. The goal was always to achieve improved mental status, mood, and functioning for discharge to the least restrictive environment. That might translate to a person returning home instead of assisted living or remaining in a private room in a nursing home instead of a locked dementia unit. Sometimes the patient’s goals were reached and sometimes not. Educating the family on the patient’s needs post discharge was also my role: an important and sometimes delicate process. I loved all of it. I got to apply my skills in standardized assessments, grading activities for the best outcome in lower and higher level cognitive groups, patient and family education, and knowledge of community resources that may be of assistance post discharge. The two latter skills were collaborated with the unit social workers who also loved working with older adults. We had a great team back then . . .
I’ll never forget the two weeks that c-diff ran rampant through the unit. C-diff is short for Clostridium difficile: an infection of the colon causing horrific diarrhea and inflammation. It’s a bacterial infection I can now diagnose by smell. O.k. perhaps that’s too much information? When virtually all of the inpatients become sick it is only a matter of time before the staff contract the infection as well. There are just too many common areas in a locked unit that too many people end up touching with a contaminated hand after caring for a patient. The motto those days was, “please pass the yogurt” or something similar!
Ruth was the best during situations like that. She was older than me and had been a Certified Nursing Assistant for years. She could get the toughest old bird to take a shower when he was resisting for days then she would turn around and feed a tender soul in the late stages of Alzheimer’s disease bringing out the patient’s long-forgotten smile producing a long-lost twinkle in her eye. Ruth often told us stories of her pet pot-bellied pig. Seriously! The beast weighed a couple hundred pounds but was part of their family, inside the house, potty-trained and behaved like a favorite feline or pup. I could not imagine it! Ruth lived in a suburban neighborhood like the rest of us! Actually more recently while living in a smaller town with Amish homesteads not far away I can now start to imagine it a little better. It’s still not for me, however!
The life I once lived was in the suburbs of Chicago amongst 8 million other people. I was married and lived in a townhouse as it was the only affordable option even for two Master-degreed professionals or DINKS: double income no kids. We attended a mega church then a smaller Bible church, organized a yearly block party in the court of our neighborhood, and took walks together in regional parks called Forest Preserves. I enjoyed neighborhood walks and riding my hybrid bicycle (between that designed for road touring and trail riding). Holidays were spent with family in various cities as everyone was out of State for our Illinois locale. Sure there were ups and downs with health issues or financial stressors but largely each day of our lives was the “same story, different day.” When this got to be too much for my former spouse he found a way out and took it. Hmmmm. Alternately I found that you don’t really need a way out, per se. Sometimes the “difference” we are seeking finds us as part of the Lord’s plan for our lives and it comes from within us instead of in the form of persons, places, or things . . .
Flash forward a myriad of moves of my residence, a change in the car I was driving, changing my job four times, transitions to new hair and clothing styles, some weight loss, and eventually moving to Indiana to marry Steve — over 10 years later I rarely say that old phrase anymore. Oh even if nothing much has changed lately in my health or the circumstances of battling a serious illness, there are always new discoveries meeting me each day. Things simply cannot be boring when you marry a man with as much energy as Steve! He keeps me going just keeping up with all of his activities even when he is not home! First there’s his four adult children and their families, then there’s his hobbies and sports, and his participation in the worship of our Lord Jesus Christ; the latter always brings news related to our church fellowship in addition to an intriguing message from the pages of the Bible. That’s a lot to keep track of and I love it. My garden, online jewelry business, and this blog fill in much of the rest of the time not taken with health-related activities. How could I ask for more when my heart is full?
Sure my life has changed in the last decade or so and I’ll bet it’s the same for you too, Gentle Reader. Is that o.k. with us? As for me I would never have asked for the difficulties that have come in recent years that have added more “excitement” and stress than I could ever have imagined. The crazy thing is that I would also have never known how to ask for the blessings that have come from this particular path either. I would not want to be without the blessings just to have had an easier life. I believe that I am exactly within the will of my Heavenly Father, that He has His hand on my life and my heart warmed in the shelter of His mighty wings. He goes with me, goes before me this moment and the next; there are signs of His wonders sprinkled everywhere in my days. I am so glad that I am not bored with my life. Well yes of course there are times I’d like a little less “excitement!” Yet that’s when I need to rest my cares at His throne of grace, allow Him to carry me like the famous Footprints in the Sand poem so graphically portrays, or wait on the Lord in the quietness of a moment of prayer . . .
I’m going to keep my head up and do like my brother, Mike, always used to say: “keep moving forward.” The life I once lived is gone but not forgotten. Those memories bring gratitude for all that the Lord has placed in my life today: a story that is never really the same. In time my Lord will make all things beautiful. In the meantime though I think it is finally time for me to go to bed! There is a calmness in my spirit at last. The sun is coming up and the birds are singing their morning hello just outside my window. For me it will serve as a happy goodnight lullaby as I snuggle up to my intended beloved who brings me more joy than I could ever imagine. Real love and more is here now.
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