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The Next Step is Sideways

Published on November 13, 2013November 14, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Sometimes you move forward. Sometimes you move backward. And most of the time you just go sideways or don’t move at all! Know what I mean?

When I worked in rehabilitation we had another phrase: recovery is always a jagged line. A person makes progress then might regress a step or two before making the “big gains” in strength, walking, functioning, and the like. Many times my patients would not believe me when I said this to them. I understood their frustration. In our fast-paced, achievement and results-oriented American society, it is really tough not to be getting ahead in some way every day. Well as the old Starkist tuna commercial used to say, “Sorry Charlie.” Sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.

Not only does every person not always get where they want to go, not every person gets selected to try for his or her dreams. These can be a real bummer for sure. How we handle these delays or changes in the course of our lives may likely determine our character. Certainly how we respond reflects our maturity as adults, or for Christians, whether or not we are trusting in the Lord who promises a plan an purpose for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11). While there are probably other reasons we could explore ad nauseum, I’m going to leave it right here. Ultimately we must get over the failure to achieve the goals we have set for ourselves when it just isn’t going to happen. You just never know. Something better might be on the horizon . . .

Several times I have planned to complete a special project and was never able to start it. (This has happened a lot over the past two years!) In general, the main reason wasn’t even procrastination. The reason often has had to do with the reality that something better is waiting for me in the future. Take my decorating idea folder, for example. About twenty years ago when our drapery panels in our living room became damaged from the sun, I really wanted to create a custom window treatment that I’d seen in a magazine. Somehow I would need to design a tracking system where the wall met the ceiling before such systems were even available. We didn’t have any wood shop tools at the time and I was unfamiliar with the fine art of making draperies. However I did know how to sew and had a creative streak so that was enough for me to move forward and figure it out. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.

The townhome got sold with the sun bleached draperies pinned from behind to hide the sections that were threadbare. The problem? My former husband doubted my ability to complete the project. Where would we get the materials? How would we install it? Where would I find the time to make everything? All of the ongoing questions discouraged me from trying to find the answers. A creative person makes something happen along the happy journey of figuring it out. He or she doesn’t have everything worked out at the start unless there is a pattern or kit with instructions. This decorating project simply was too much for the two of us to come to an agreement. It wasn’t meant to be back then.

Flash forward about ten years later and it was meant to be. Through unfortunate circumstances I found myself single and rebuilding my life in another city; so much had changed. To pursue a creative project would become “occupational therapy” for me and help me to make my new place a home. I knew exactly what window treatment would adorn the sunny sliding glass door that overlooked the lush courtyard beyond my balcony. This time the time was right.

A co-worker told me about a textile company that sold unbleached muslin by the pound. Yeah, that’s right! Yards and yards of fabric would be super cheap and just right the right color and style for my project. I even found material to line the panels all through that poorly marked, rusted back door entrance to the factory. There were huge bolts of fabric everywhere! “Yeah God,” I said to myself. This is good!

The next challenge would be measuring and cutting an inordinate amount of material on the laminate floor of my 3rd floor condominium. To say my knees were hurting from crawling around cutting all that fabric, would be an understatement. Then I wondered how was I going to sew all this yardage at my modest kitchen table? The answer soon came when I was house-sitting in a lovely home a short time later. The man of the house was a contractor and had a HUGE desk in his office for viewing his drafting plans. That desk was perfect for sewing yards and yards of fabric too: spilling all over the place in their spacious loft. Cool beans. I sewed and sewed to my heart’s content. Cool beans again.

Now to make the tracking system to suspend the panels next to the ceiling. Somehow I stumbled upon a lumber store just off the railroad tracks in an industrial area of a neighboring town. The guys at Owl Lumber in Lombard, Illinois were great. Not only did they help me configure the crown-molding style curtain rod, they metered the corners and pre-drilled the holes for the mounting pegs for me as well. I installed about a dozen pegs into the crown molding, sanded, painted it white, and coated it with polyurethane. Now all I had to do was mount it on the wall . . . without a ladder . . .

Gratefully I had an extremely sturdy coffee table that became a suitable platform for the installation. (You simply could not kill that wooden beast so it followed me through 8 moves over the years. Finally it got sold on Craig’s List 5 years ago!) I got all the tools and supplies together, my friend Jeannie came over for dinner and a little window treatment project, and we gals went to work on a Friday night. The only problem was that the building was over 30 years old and there was concrete not wood studs underneath the drywall! My wood screws would never hold the weight of the solid wooden rod that measured about 8 feet long. Oh well. Back to the hardware store I would go for mega concrete bolts and a new drill bit. Of course I had a darn good drill that would handle the job. 🙂

The next hurdle was the fact that Jeannie was not available the next weekend to jump back into the project again. What was I do to? How could I possibly wait when I was this close to pulling it all together? This thing was massively heavy and I was hoping to mount it at a height that would require me to hold it at a height near the end of the reach of my arms overhead. How could I do this alone without dropping it on my head? By sheer will power and determination, that is! I figured out the measurements of the holes for both the wall and crown-molding rod and pre-drilled the holes. I figured that if I could slip in a few bolts by hand and tighten them, they would hold enough for me to get the rest of the bolts in as well. I also used my head . . . literally! And with only one close call, Lord willing, I gotter done! Success!

The finishing touches to hang the panels were beautiful silky-type cording that I found at a local drapery supply store. Wow: so cool to live in a large city at the time where I found a place where practically half of the store was drapery trims and tassels! I made a loop and tied it with a Josephine macramé knot, reminiscent of 20 years earlier when it was first vogue to macramé. I was single then too and had macrame’d lotsa stuff! Hand sewing the loops to the panels was a labor of love, quite meaningful for me. Then I was ready for my big reveal to, er, myself. Would it all come together? You be the judge. I loved it! To open it each morning I gently draped a loops hidden on the backside of the middle of the bottom of each panel to hooks on the wall along the outer sides of the panels. At night I released the loops and the panels closed like the massive curtains at the end of a theater stage play. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, it was worth the wait. I was stoked and thanked the Lord for restoring the years the “locusts had eaten” once again. (Joel 2:25)

This is an important story for me to remember years later. I’m in a situation now where I can’t do projects like this as I recover from a serious illness. I am grateful for the Lord’s gift of writing and the warm reception to my eBook released a couple of weeks ago (see side panel for details). Just this morning I was wondering what would be next? Then I realized that I really can’t do anything more right now. The book got finished because I had some better days; those days are gone for now. I’m hoping to catch up on some long overdue regular medical appointments like an eye exam tomorrow morning. EEEEK! Will ya look at the time? Anyways, these next few weeks I won’t be moving forward. I’ll be taking care of the stuff on the back roads, so to speak. Perhaps there will be other types of meaningful discoveries along the way, perhaps not. For now, the stuff of life has my time and attention.

Maybe you can relate? Whatcha got going on this week, Gentle Reader? Do take care, k? JJ

Spring and Fall

Published on October 31, 2013October 31, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

My body will tell you tonight: it’s quite an accomplishment to finish our Spring and Fall yard clean up projects all within 24 hours! Whaaat? Such is life these days. All completed just in time for the long soaking rain storm outside my window as Winter approaches . . . the maiden tulip bulbs are going to be real happy in their new home!

I am exceedingly grateful to be functioning somewhat better despite the ongoing noxious episodes that occur most days. Then there were two noxious-free “holidays” within the past four days. THIS IS HUGE GUYS AND GALS! I haven’t had more than a one-day break per week since living in the hotel at the beginning of the year when we were remediating our home for mold. Looks like the IV magnesium treatments (counted #20 today) and sugar/sweetener-free cholestyramine are beginning to work a wonder inside of me. I am grateful and humbled.

Despite all of this good news for some reason I needed to cry a bit today. This year has been especially traumatic. When I’m in one of those hour-long to several-hour-long episodes my ability to think and reflect is gone. My mind is blank. No processing occurs of what is happening to me. I have heard patients with dementia describe his or her mind this way. There just aren’t any thoughts. Gratefully I do not have dementia. I often wonder, however, if there will be synaptic damage from the almost 2 years of seizure attacks. Then again, maybe the neurons just needed a little Spring cleaning, resetting, and the like. Anyways, I believe that to grieve the loss of my health is, well, healthy. Perhaps it will pave a comprehensive path to healing?

The end of Psalm 139 reads:

²³Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have heard an application of this passage that it can describe the need to reflect upon and grieve a past trauma as part of a God-honoring healing process. The Lord knows me and my circumstances in addition to the outcome. By opening my mind and heart to His merciful grace under the shadow of His wings, I will find rest. I have prayed many times to “get” the purpose of all of this suffering and wondered if I was “there yet.” I asked my husband Steve, my God-honoring spiritual leader, if he thought there was anything I was not seeing. Was there some sin or character flaw that required repentance? Steve was gracious when asked these questions. We both saw the little lessons and unexpected blessings that were the “silver lining” to this illness. We have not become embittered. We have drawn even closer together and to Christ. Whew. Thankfully.

Blogging started as online journaling and has become so much more. I do hope that my writing will be used for God’s glory and point people who are going through serious trials, to the person of Jesus Christ. To the Gentle Reader out there, you have also helped me find a plan and a purpose for this time in my life. The process has become as meaningful as the lessons learned. One lesson learned yesterday: don’t leave a wheelbarrow full of mulch out in the yard! Put it under the covered porch. Six times it got rained on and rained in. Geez that was one heavy wheelbarrow!

A little humor helps fer shur. And my Stevers is a great model of the value of silliness in the middle of the crap-o-la-ski. (You were missing my Polish, I know, so here ya go!) Thanks for hanging in there with me. Wish I could hug ya, eh? :J

Yes, no, and wait

Published on October 5, 2013October 5, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

They say that the Lord answers prayers with three responses: yes, no, and wait. I believe I have experienced all of these in a big way this past week!

Yes. The answer was “yes” to the question of whether or not I would like to be admitted to the Indiana University (IU) Methodist Hospital Neurology Unit. After an intense appointment with a neurologist in the IU Neuroscience Center, Dr. R. offered an overnight “observation” stay for a video EEG. The hope was to capture the tic and seizure attack episodes to clarify my diagnosis and treatment. So with the clothes on my back (since we were 2 1/2 hours from home), my husband and I followed the epileptologist’s advice and proceeded with the admission procedures. I’d had 2 hours of sleep the evening before and a major episode in the office of the neurologist that morning. Surely I was primed for plenty of episodes as the day progressed!

And that is exactly what followed: at least a dozen more full blown or brief episodes captured on video with dozens of electrodes glued to my head and a heart monitor attached to my chest. The rest of my Tuesday was wretched. One good part was finding some food to eat on the hospital menu fit my Candida diet, yes! The staff was nice. Many unfortunate frustrations occurred as well; you’ve heard enough of those on this blog so I won’t elaborate. The biggest frustration was seeing the inpatient neurologist twice for about 60 seconds each time he visited my room. He never looked at my MRI films or my medical records! His job was to do the EEG study and nothing else so that’s all he did. Perhaps that is all I could take anyways? Who knows.

No. I do not have epilepsy. O.k., my Lyme/mold literate doctor kinda knew that already. The hospital neurologist said I needed to follow up with the Neuroscience Center neurologist for treatment or any next steps in my care. The answer was also “no” to having one of my 3x/week IV magnesium infusions while the IV was still in my arm. I usually have a tic or seizure-like episode when it is inserted or removed so I was grieved when they could not help me with this; I would need to make up the appointment at Dupont Hospital in Fort Wayne, back home. The nurse pulled the IV; another episode followed, off camera.

There were plenty of other “no” replies over the 24 hour stay in the hospital. Perhaps you know what it is like? I was ordered to be on bed rest and fall precautions, tethered with multiple probes, monitors, and a bed alarm. Geez. At least they let me use the bathroom after initially forcing me to take a bowel movement on a commode in the room within view of the video cameras. Geez again. Eventually I was too exhausted to care if the back of my hospital gown flung open. Finally, after 2:00 a.m., I got 7 straight hours of sleep. A miracle for an inpatient setting, no less. Thank you Lord!

Wait. These past 2 days since returning home have required patience with myself as I recovered from the whole ordeal. My dear husband drove a total of 5 hours two days in a row plus participated in the neurology appointment on Tuesday and completed a partial day of work on Wednesday. Steve is a saint, I tell you! So we both have waited for our bodies to recover from exhaustion. I will need to wait to speak to the neurologist at the Neuroscience Center as well. Her nurse was not able to return my phone call Thursday or Friday. Steve and I are waiting and wondering what’s my treatment plan? Do I have one?

My heart is breaking with another project that must wait at the moment: publishing my eBook: Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. I need to transpose the final edits into the document formatted for publication. I’m about 3 hours from pressing the “go” button! This must wait until I can concentrate better. I just feel too traumatized and drained by the hospitalization experience. Perhaps it’s all I can take now anyways? Who knows.

I do know one thing: writing is one of the best therapeutic agents for me to come back to my senses! I am sooooooo grateful for you, Gentle Reader! You keep me sane! I am grateful to report that I had a 27-hour reprieve from noxious events yesterday and two less events overall thereafter. Being away from home and in the hospital (with a limited pharmacy for supplements and compounded medications) forced me to go off most of my prescribed treatments. This may have been a blessing in disguise! I’ve started an elimination schedule, gradually adding back one item at a time and recording my symptoms. Turns out that one of my supplements is made from mold! Chucked that one last night after a bad episode. Not sure what caused the one tonight. Oh well. It was around 10:30 p.m. I always have a severe episode then anyways. Got any ideas?

Yes. No. Wait. Perhaps this week is no different than any other with these three answers to prayer, to the desires of my heart. I am so glad that I can trust the Lord with any answer that comes from Him.

1 John 5 ¹⁴This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

And when the answer does come, the one we have hoped for with longing and expectation, it can be as joyful as a wedding celebration:

John 3:29 ²⁹The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.

I am somewhere between the themes of these two verses, knowing that He cares for my needs and has a Divine plan that includes all of the events of this past week. In the meantime I must keep my eyes focused on Him lest they wander to places that will get in the way of healing. I will rest in the promise that has meant so much to me these past 10 years. His love prevails and will carry me through all that is to come. Perhaps it will encourage you too?

Romans 8 ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sending in the big guns

Published on September 18, 2013September 18, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

As the old Kenny Roger’s song, The Gambler goes, ya gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run . . . .

Today I chose to . . . RUN!!!

Yes, it’s time for another crazy Lyme story. Grab a cup of coffee and here we go:

The sharp neck headaches continue to be menacing, even with the recent slight slowing of intensity, duration, and frequency of seizure attacks. Six months of intense daily episodes and a total of 1 1/2 years since they first began have taken their toll on my deconditioned frame. It’s like having a little fender bender several times per day in a car that’s a little too small to support your head and neck correctly: thrashing around, repetitively in one direction then another. Enough is enough already!

Enter into the picture a new chiropractor. He was referred to me by Dr. N because Dr. N thought he would provide a more comprehensive approach to treatment. Dr. N has a no nonsense orthopedic practice that offers spinal decompression and traditional chiropractic care. Dr. N had taken a long time to contact my Lyme Literate Medical Doctor (LLMD) so I kind of wrote him off after the first 7 treatments. I wanted Dr. N to coordinate my care with the LLMD since I was experiencing so many tic and seizure attacks during treatment. Paradoxically, even though I had seizure attacks during every chiropractic visit, I was feeling better! The neck headaches had diminished, my range of motion had significantly improved, and I was back to taking short walks despite the ongoing episodes in the office and at home. At least part of my body was functioning better!

But by the time Dr. N finally called me to share the results of his consult with my LLMD, 3 weeks had passed. Dr. N referred me to another chiropractor whom he felt had a more “comprehensive” approach. He was convinced that Dr. H could help me. Seriously?

After meeting with Dr. H today it is pretty clear that they probably barely knew each other. Dr. H had worked in the chiropractic building that Dr. N purchased when Dr. H opened his practice over 10 years ago. I doubt that Dr. N knew much about what Dr. H really did as a chiropractor. Today I met a wacko pervert salesperson who barely knew typical chiropractic treatment lingo, for example, pushing off an “automatic activator” as a type of chiropractic care. The device looked like a football mouth guard with rubber tips attached to an electric handheld jigsaw. Frightful. I wondered if he had made it himself?

Shortly into what I thought would be a chiropractic exam, Dr. H asked if he could pray with me. He had already professed to be a “Christian” and pointed to the pictures with scriptures on it in his waiting room. Well that is nice. Usually I look for the framed college degree certificates and a current professional license document — I did not see either, anywhere. I said, “I guess so,” about the prayer thinking that I would learn a little about what he truly believed. I had already disclosed that I was a Christian. Ever notice that so many people throw around the term “Christian” and it has nothing to do with a heart surrendered to Christ? The prayer was nice. Then the “shoe salesman” song-and-dance began.

Dr. H’s sales pitch began right away guised as checking acupuncture points whilst holding a bottle of this or that supplement. Later I recalled that he seemed a little nervous and displayed a very intense affect touching the pressure points around my rib cage. I have seen many different chiropractors and acupuncturists in the past perform a similar exam so this one was not unusual, except for the collection of bottles. His mannerisms were also unusual however. He had started my visit 20 minutes late while finishing up with another patient. (That patient left with a big bag of new supplements. Hmmmmmm.) I had mentioned at the beginning of my appointment that I needed to leave at a certain time (to go to the hospital to have my external IV flushed) so before long he started speaking faster and faster: repeating himself, referring to the time, and bringing out a few more bottles. Dr. H pressed for agreement with his assessment: that the chiropractic adjustments would not hold unless I started a heavy metal detox protocol before my first adjustment. The appointment today would be for “just talking.” Would I like to start the protocol today? Could I come back tomorrow to finish up the physical exam? Or how about later this afternoon? He could even meet me at his office at closing time!

Did I mention that his prayer sounded good? Yes, it sounded like a typical prayer except for one word: undressed. He prayed to the Lord something about wanting help to “undress” the issues that I was having to be able to help me. Undress? The word stuck in my mind throughout the appointment. What kind of a prayer is that? Undress! What kind of a medical term is that? Undress. Where the h*%$$ is your mind Dr. H? I certainly am not a bombshell these days and was dressed very plainly with partially wet hair. I would assess he is approximately the same age as I am. SO WHAT. And where is your office receptionist? Do you always see female patients alone in your office in a more secluded part of the office park?

I did what I could to state that I would not be interested in any additional products at this time since I had just started IV treatments and could not risk ingesting anything else new. I was interested in chiropractic care by a chiropractor who was skilled in manual adjustments of the spine. He mumbled something about “manual” adjustments. He could do those too but sometimes a patient needs the mechanical treatments of a device like the “U” jigsaw device. I gathered my things as he was speaking and prepared to leave the office. I paused and clarified if I needed to make a payment for his “consultation” and he said “no.” We were “just talking” and I could take care of that in the follow-up appointment. I said that I would need to call him back and went out the door.

Sitting in my truck I felt a strong tic zip rip out of my frame and jerk me around. At this point I was aware that the session I had just endured was very intense and that there was a strong essential oil-type scent in the office and even stronger in the examining room. Dr. H denied the use of any scented products and had opened the two windows for me, after which I expressed gratitude. He also said that he was not aware of any water damage to the office (that would indicate a latent presence of mold). So what was I reacting to now? A short seizure attack followed. I was pretty shook up that I’d had another attack in the middle of the day! Why is this happening when I was not bothered at the time by the herbal scent in Dr. H’s office. Of course I was definitely upset about Dr. H however!

I sat for awhile to allow time for my psyche and sensorium to recover. Sometimes I never really know what sets off an attack. Much later this evening I characterized the experience, the incident at “Health and Wellness” something or another as a form of spiritual warfare. That guy was a fraud and weird! He never smiled. And he pushed products before ever completing a traditional chiropractic exam. Yes, he completed a clinical interview of my history, reviewed the information that I provided on his intake form, and threw up my x-ray films on his light box. Yes there were two models of a spinal column on display in the corner and the typical educational posters on the wall that you might find in a chiropractic office. But everything else was odd, was inappropriate. Nope, I won’t be seeing Dr. H again.

One problem remains: my x-ray films are still at his office! I had not retrieved my films in my state of recovery after the seizures and time pressure to get to the hospital. Well after talking to my husband about the whole ordeal tonight, what needs to happen next is perfectly clear: it’s time to send in the BIG GUNS! Steve graciously agreed to pick up the films for me. Yes! For me to go back could be an abusive encounter. For my 6 foot 1 man of steel to go back to the office would be a different encounter altogether. Tee hee!

Yeah, I was wrong when I was single, joking with my spinster girlfriends just 7 years ago: sometimes you do need a man. Sometimes you need to send in the big guns. And this time I am grateful to have had some wits about me to get out of there before I made a bad decision or something worse happened. As it turns out, Dr. H’s chiropractic license is current with the State of Indiana. He has no sanctions or restrictions on his professional license. Good for him. Too bad for his next female patient. I guess I’m going to have a neck headache a little longer. This other headache is history!

Your God is not big enough

Published on September 8, 2013September 9, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

If you can’t have peace when sick in bed on a drop dead gorgeous afternoon . . . your God is not big enough.

When the dog looks at you with worried eyes because she heard you yelping from the bedroom with convulsions and you wonder if you’ll survive the day . . . your God is not big enough.

A doctor gives you a new medication to calm you down and maybe even lessen your suffering, it doesn’t, and you wonder if you’ll ever get past the wretchedness, the repeated disappointments . . . and your God is not yet big enough.

When you are frustrated that dinner is finished after midnight, you are up on the internet after 2:00 a.m. and you lose faith that you will ever have a normal life . . . your God is not big enough.

If every day poses a new test to your resolve and there is none left . . . you have not learned to rely on a God that is big enough.

When your blog glorifies your own accomplishments, makes you appear stronger than you really are, and claims to know anything separate from the One who made you . . . you have not allowed your God to be big enough.

And if you can find a way to convey how small yet how loved you really are, how your forgiveness spans as far as the east is from the west, and how there truly is hope beyond Lyme disease or what you can see . . . your God is becoming big enough to believe.

So if you are suffering in any way like me and find yourself in doubt, in pain, despairing, angry, lonely, or worse, it’s time we both face the fact there is a God who is big enough to carry all of our burdens. Let us come before His throne of grace this day and pour out our hearts to the One whose gracious thoughts towards us outnumber the grains of sand on the earth. He wept for each one of us, He sweat drops of blood for all of His children, He died a tortuous death for you and me, and He rose from the dead to save us from the burdens of all of our troubles in this life. In time, He will come again for you and for me to live with Him forever in paradise.

As you ponder this, I invite you to get to know just a little more: the God who is big enough. And if you have not yet invited Him into your heart, consider doing so this day too. You will see what a difference His love will make. Then you will say about the Lord Jesus Christ, His Word, His hope, His promises, the adventurous and mysterious life that he bestows upon us: I just can’t get enough!