Focusing on breathing today. It’s all I can do. The stress level is high as Steve and I anticipate travelling out of State to see my brother tomorrow. Gratefully I report that it appears he is stabilizing after having had a severe stroke this past weekend. My own struggles with illness and daily seizure-like episodes continues. A new treatment for me didn’t pan out too well, increasing the severity of the post-treatment episode. Oh well. The Lord goes before me and all of us as we call upon His mighty name: Abba Father!
Sitting on the edge of change is a precarious place. One does not know if change will actually arrive yet she (or he) can be hopeful, patient, exceedingly frustrated . . . .
In honor of the Bundy family, Nevada USA
There’s a scandal going on in the wild West of the United States this week, as the federal government’s Bureau of Land Management attempts to overtake the ranch and cattle of a family that has used the lands for decades. Under the guise of protecting an endangered turtle, the government is not only rounding up cattle but cutting off water supplies; federal authorities are superseding State land rights and intimidating the family with physical force. The conflict has incited anger from local ranchers and national militia in addition to the Tea Party (political party). Underneath the issues may be a US Senator’s covert, personal involvement in building a solar power plant on the land in a $5 Billion deal with China. This all comes at a time of unprecedented changes in our country. A juicy story indeed.
This is an incredible time to be alive. This is an incredible time to be an American. This is also an incredible time to be a Christian. We can easily look to the incredulous shift of power in our country from the citizen to the increasingly tyrannical government, laden with moral and civil/financial corruption, to see that life in these United States has changed. The effect of Obamacare; immigration, voter and currency “reforms;” and more just may eventually make democracy in America a distant memory. Sure there may be pockets of freedom. However, that freedom is shrinking every day. Can you say, “microchip?” Don’t get me started on that one! If this blog goes away suddenly then you will know that the NSA (National Security Agency) has removed my First Amendment rights to free speech. While that is not o.k., there are more important topics to me which will never be silenced . . .
My incredibly wretched health challenges these past two years have reinforced beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control of everything. He has been with me on my bed of sickness, making Himself real to me and sustaining me through it all (Psalm 41:3). I draw my faith from the Bible. Through His Word, the Lord our God tells you and me through the story of Moses that those who believe in the Lord are to:
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31
Those words ring true today as well. I have cried out to my Jesus during wretched, daily seizures and He helped me, comforted me. My faith and resolve are strengthened not weakened despite the difficulty. Further I am encouraged that when tyrannical kings came up against the Lord’s chosen people through the ages, He reminded them over and over again in the words of the prophet Jeremiah:
19 They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 1:19
This rescuing may be from illness or other trials of life; the rescuing may be from the consequences of something much worse to what beyond our control: the wretched effects of sin and living in a fallen world. The rescuing may not come until the day we die yet IT WILL COME! After all it is because of the sin of mankind that we suffer. Gratefully we are not alone in our suffering. Gratefully there is an antidote to our suffering such that someday we are assured that it will end! Related to our personal suffering, the Apostle Paul concedes that his own health issues were used by God for good:
Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. (Colossians 1)
From these inspiring words I draw strength to persevere when my body is failing me. What can I do? I can write about matters that transcend the mundane issues of my day or even the crises blasting forth from every news channel. Want Christian news? CNN? Facebook news? Tonight Show news? It is everywhere bombarding us with allegory, truth, and propaganda alike. In the end this kind of news will not matter. The God of the universe reigns above all. He will come again in glory to rescue His own, to make things right. That is Good News! We can trust in His Word on this since before time began He told us, “I am.” Evidence of his sovereignty goes beyond evidence of intelligent design. Evidence of a loving and righteous God dwells within your heart and mine. Think about it! Otherwise we would not wrestle with themes of morality, existence, meaningfulness. If God did not exist, I would fight my illness with whatever snake oil came along and the Bundy family would use their crisis merely to incite a riot (or worse, civil war) to achieve survival of the fittest and not to seek what is “right.” Our search for what is right ultimately helps us hold out for the hope of heaven where all things will be made “new.” (Revelation 21:1) In the meantime:
8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9)
The power to do these things on our own exceeds our humanity. The Lord adds His infinite increase though the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within us when we come to faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. This blog will make little sense to you, Gentle Reader, apart from Christ. I submit to you that finding the gifts of the Spirit in these alarming times [peace, love, joy, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self control (Galatians 5:22-23)] are great rewards for becoming a Christ-follower. These rewards transcend and redeem our personal suffering, the troubles around us, the regrets buried in our hearts, and so much more.
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior have an undeniable asset in these times. We know Who the victor will be in all things and this includes those things that are evil. As some recite in the Twelve Step Programs of recovery from addictions, we will know that “this too shall pass.” (See Revelation 21:4) In the meantime we are to live our lives seeking the Lord and living as He commanded, guided in love by the Holy Spirit.
The decision to follow Christ has led me to the only way I could have survived many sorrows. I submit to you that it is a great way to live life as I know it in the times that try our souls.
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Here’s a meditation for believers to transcend the times, straight from the Word of God. I pray that the frustrations posed by our tumultuous days will draw us to His throne of grace in sweet fellowship and will be used to bring glory to the Father Who loves us beyond what we can ever imagine. In all things:
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12)
Another temporary setback in my health tonight ended by a couple of drops of tea tree oil masking the noxious scent of perfume. I don’t do perfume very well and am grateful for this suggestion of a friend familiar with essential oils. Thank you Lord for Cindy and tea tree oil!
Sigh. How am I supposed to be around people when the scent of any products they might wear with fragrances can trigger seizures? I feel like a prisoner in my own home. If I linger away from my cocoon then I am at risk. And if a guest visits our home not wearing perfume but carrying a coat or wearing clothing scented from another day, BINGO. I get sick.
I endured three major setbacks including last night and three other times this past week. Setbacks that is, from significant improvements that came from taking high CBD hemp oil. I was enjoying some sweet moments of near-normalcy! At least the overall episodes are shorter. I guess there is something else going on that is preventing the treatment from holding . . . .
Is it diet? How can it be when consuming a strict Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? Could it be methylation or residual biotoxin illness issues? Perhaps and I’ll be pursuing these at a new clinic next week. Is neuro-Lyme the culprit after all and I need to get back into antibiotic therapy? The Rife machine made me worse. I’m not so sure about Lyme disease anymore as my genetic markers are more significant for mold illness than Lyme disease. Still: who knows?
In the 1966 novel Flowers for Algernon, Daniel Keyes portrays a mentally disabled man who gains intelligence after being selected for an experimental brain surgery. The surgery was shown to be successful in a laboratory rat whose intelligence increases 3x after the procedure. Charlie, the main character, undergoes the procedure himself as the story follows him from his menial janitorial position to falling in love with one of the teachers at the school in which he works. Charlie quits his job about the time that the rat begins to decline. The improvements did not last. Charlie buries his little friend in a cheese box in the backyard near the close of the story.
I worked on the set of the stage play of Flowers for Algernon at my high school. The sorrow of the scene pictured above when played out even by a wiry teenager was very emotional for all of us backstage. I will never forget it. For me it represented finding hope then moving forward in life with new skills and possibilities. My life was already very painful at age 15. The story touched my heart as we brought it to life for our peers and parents. My tears had no where to go as I stood in the dark backstage, waiting to bring out props for the next scene. When I got home the lockdown continued in the chaotic and unsafe environment of my childhood. My sorrow was locked away for many years. After much healing and decades of living, the Lord brought back this particular story to mind recently with the frustration of the illness that I am enduring: I came upon a reason to have hope from seizures only to have that hope dashed against the wall. Again. It feels like death.
Sadness fills my eyes. Of course I want to be well. Every time I grasp for air, stabilize my neck for fear of my head breaking off, emit some guttural utterance from the forceful involuntary movements of every appendage in rotation or unison from a seizure attack I become very aware that I could die from them. I stare blankly into space or hold my eyes closed to keep the room from moving. Keeping my eyes open brings dizziness and nausea; keeping my eyes closed brings increased fear and a lost sense of time. While still awake I sometimes can talk. The words are strained and speaking (like trying to move) runs the risk of exacerbating the attacks further. If the episode goes on too long then neurological collapse follows. I either have to lie motionless until function returns or my beloved Steve transfers me out of bed and carries me to the bathroom or bed. This more severe level of seizure occurs late at night when he needs to be getting ready for bed to be able to work the next morning. It’s my private hell. It’s his private hell. It’s the private hell on earth that is our burden to endure at this time. (See my non-epileptic seizure video for more information.)
To see a loved one losing the battle over illness, over injury is one of life’s greatest sorrows. Even for a Christian, experiencing it yourself will challenge everything you know about grace, endurance, meaning, and more. Flowers for Algernon is a fictional tale about a rat and a man who found answers but those answers did not last. The story touches a cord deep within me. Oh to taste the goodness of life and have it taken away! I have searched for goodness for a long time. One of the great opportunities of this life is to seize the sweetness that abounds, hold it lightly as it shines for a time, then let it go gracefully when we must either move on or the script of our lives writes it off the page. It must be the Lord’s plan but why? Such answers often never come. Moving on can be the reward for grieving well. Then there’s the fruit of living with loss that is ongoing: when the disappointment never really goes away. This is when you really know who you are. This is when you really know Whose you are. Paradoxically speaking, it can be the time when you are truly ALIVE.
I am a child of the King held in the shadow of His wings, His loving arms just like I quoted yesterday in Psalm 139. This night I bring forth an invitation for my Lord to:
23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
My Lord sees me! Even so, this illness is one of my greatest mysteries from all of the events that have transpired in my life. In the past my Lord has graced me with seeing some good come from the evil, some divine plans that have emerged from the chaos through which the deepest desires of my heart have come true. I will hold onto His words that:
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
At every turn, with each moment of sorrow I no longer ask:
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
Indeed you have led me through it all. I can trust from Psalm 142 that:
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
And as it reads in Psalm 100 we will all:
3 Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
We will:
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Rest will come for you, Gentle Reader and me too as we read in Psalm 121 that:
5 The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life; 8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
With that I bid you good night. I’ll be fine. Join me in trusting the Lord that you will be too, eh?
It’s as if I always knew that something was missing . . .
My first wedding day was lovely: filled with pretty flowers, pearly alencon lace, and all the details that were meaningful at the time. I was a new believer in Jesus Christ and in love with a young man named Craig. We settled in the west suburbs of Chicago, worked in healthcare, and got busy with the tasks of fixing up our townhome. In time Craig would lead us to a smaller Bible church from the seeker-friendly mega church that helped lead me to faith in Christ. In time I joined him at that little church. I also learned that Christians really do know how to have fun, meaningful lives rich in the knowledge and living out of the Word of God.
Then when Craig had to leave and decided never to return, my life turned upside down for about 4 years. My last surviving grandmother, my youngest brother, and my mother all passed away out of state from where I was living. I moved five times and my personal items were either donated to charity or stored in seven different places. I had to change jobs three times and endured two work-related injuries. The condo fire followed, displacing me for three months in a bare rental unit provided by my insurance company. It was there, staring at the blank walls devoid of all of my earthly possessions and reminders of who I was that I discovered what else was missing: my Heavenly Husband.
Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)
5 For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
The Bible is full of analogies comparing our relationship with the Lord as a marital relationship. Jesus is the Bridegroom and the church is His bride. Our Heavenly Father is the husband and we are His beloved. The imagery of an intimate relationship is too much for us to grasp fully yet challenged me to make Christ real in my life on a daily basis. So I went for it fully: when I got in my car and was in a down mood I invited Jesus to ride with me, take the wheel, and be my constant companion. Before long I realized that I had placed Craig in a place in my heart not made for him. Some of the disappointment I experienced in our marriage came from not understanding the VERY LARGE place in my heart reserved only for the Lord. In time, that place grew larger, infilling the emptiness in my heart, filling me completely.
When I met my intended beloved, of course I still had a few kinks to work out in the man-woman relationship department. One shift was clear however: my need for wholeness was to be met by my Heavenly Husband not my earthly one. Placing too much responsibility on my new husband to meet all of my needs, love me, provide for me, and guide me wasn’t fair to him or me. The One who will always be there perfectly on-time with all the right stuff will only and always be my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I am grateful that Steve is a mighty good second I must admit! Pastor Bill Hybels at Willow Creek Community Church said it best one Sunday service: trust God. Love people. Trust God to meet all of your needs. Love people including your spouse as imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ . . . just like me. All of us have much to give and will fail at some point as well. Only God is perfect. The Lord is to be our first love.
With a perfect God, and a personal relationship through His son, Jesus Christ, we are free to live more lightly each day with the ones we love. We can extend grace, grant forgiveness a little more easily. We can love others and grow closer in fellowship despite all of our foibles. And if you’re like me, you will find love again in all the right places.
Psalm 84
1 How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.
12 Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.
Personal Update: I continue to experience a 40% overall improvement in seizure activity and related noxious symptoms just 16 days after starting high CBD hemp oil (HCBDHO). After 2 1/2 years of serious complications to Lyme, mold, Candida and biotoxin illness: I am amazed!
Here’s the research that I found that led me to discovering this LEGAL alternative to medical marijuana (more on that in a moment):
After seeing that there was authentic clinical research supporting the use of “cannabis” for epilepsy, even though I was diagnosed with non-epileptic seizures, I wondered how I might obtain it. Purchasing medical marijuana when it’s not legal in your State is a complicated process and risky. Some persons have obtained State I.D.’s in the state where MM is legal, set up post office boxes and even used the addresses of friends or family who live in the MM state. I did not feel comfortable with this, even though I was suffering tremendously on a daily basis.
The story of Charlotte changed everything. Charlotte was 5 years old when her parents became heartbroken over the hundreds of daily seizures their precious daughter had as part of Dravet’s syndrome. Her father researched alternatives to the myriad of medications that were not working and found CBD medical marijuana. Finding some to try was difficult even in Colorado where MM is legal since CBD is generally in concentrations too low to make a difference. CBD can reduce the “high” and confound the benefits of THC found in MM; it was long ago cultivated out of most strains. The parents found the Stanley brothers who had high CBD hemp, were willing to grow it for Charlotte, and were willing to sell it to them with the proper orders from two pediatricians as required in Colorado. Charlotte’s seizures stopped for days after the first dose! She is now gaining in all developmental milestones and reclaiming her young life much to the delight of her parents. Other parents around the world are flocking to Colorado to get on the waiting list for Charlotte’s Web: the high CBD cannabis.
I believe it is the Lord who allowed me to ask the question of whether or not CBD (cannabidiol, a type of cannibinoid) is available in other types of cannabis. While medical marijuana and hemp are the same genus of cannabis but the species containing mostly THC is generally cannabis sativa and the species containing mostly CBD is generally cannabis indica. From here I will call CBD/cannabis indica: hemp. Industrial Hemp is another term for non-psychoactive cannabis.
Industrial hemp is grown outside of the USA and imported for hemp fiber products, oil with elevated essential fatty acids, and more. When cultivated for high CBD, hemp oil has more physical effects and can be sedative as it acts upon the endocannibinoid system of our cell walls. There’s a lot of technical stuff here so I’ll save that for another post. THE TAKE HOME MESSAGE is that you do not have to use MM to get the benefits of high CBD hemp oil: HCBDHO can be extracted from hemp plants as a nutritional product and that product is LEGAL in all 50 of the United States of America!
Industrial Hemp is grown outside of the USA for fiber, cleaning up soil contamination, fuel, clothing, paper, oil high in essential fatty acids, and CBD oil.
From here I set out to figure out how a person takes HCBDHO, how is it dispensed, who sells the best products for me, and what companies are reputable. I did not want a product from a start-up company with an inferior product laced with flavorings, fillers, and sweeteners. I needed a concentration that would be effective and cost-effective as pure oils can be pricey. I wanted a company who could answer my questions and had sound business practices to indicate that it would still be there for me next month and next year when I got well. I believe I have found that product and that company. (For more information and information on how to obtain a discount, contact me via the Facebook page: www.facebook.com/seizurefreezone)
Today I just wanted to share that for persons with seizures and seizure-like episodes, there will be hope for many in the use of high CBD hemp oil. It’s been here all along, running under the radar of controversial medical marijuana. Who knew? Now you do too! Please share this information with others who might be interested!
P.S. Relief for persons with seizures is just the beginning. Just Google any of the key words written here “and” a medical condition or symptom (for example CBD and fibromyalgia). You just might be delighted with what you find!
P.P.S. Watch an informative video by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, a former White House Fellow under the Clinton Administration at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4GUkzTnFG0 Remember to watch for the mentioning of CBD, THC, or ratios of the two together. Of course, preparations with THC will require purchase in a State where MM is legal! :J
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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