Today I am recovering from a terrible setback. Turns out the herbal remedy from New Zealand with promising research is horrible for me in my battle with Candida Enteritis. Will go back to my gentler protocol while I await results from testing that I will submit this week. Thereafter I will schedule with a new clinic and in many ways, start over.
Sometimes, the dinosaur wins.
“We all have one past, but many possible futures,” stated Canadian hockey player Guy LaFleur, in an interview at his retirement (as quoted in the February 2014 newsletter of RZIM ministries).
24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. (The apostle Paul speaking in Acts 20:24)
Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. (Proverbs 4:25-26)
Oh to be able to empty myself of yesterday and walk forth into tomorrow with great expectation! To live in the moment with hope that what comes will be filled with the Lord’s tender mercies and grace is to really live freely in Christ. And to know that the struggles of the day will work itself into a beautiful tapestry of my eternal life that has already begun, well, that’s really head-y man!
When I was researching yet another new dietary approach to the illness I endure, I realized how many times I have done this work before. Over and over again I have sat here at our computer and continued to research solutions to the treatment failures in the past. I admit that the new ideas don’t always come from the Lord, however. Who else would come up with a way to make turnips to fit a Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? (Chuckle.) I believe it is the Lord who inspires the best of what comes from me through the Holy Spirit and then provides just enough energy to get me there. For example, I had an unexpected, Divine appointment with a friend who happened to be in the lobby of our doctor’s office on Friday. She needed prayer badly! The Lord in his mercy used me to step out in faith and pray with her right then and there. The fellowship moved each of us. The moment would have been missed if the Lord had orchestrated the events for me to leave the building just a few minutes earlier or later . . .
But really, until I started writing this I always thought that deep down inside I was someone who carried the events of my sordid childhood on my sleeve. My utility to this world was somehow limited because of my past. I thought that the facts that I came from a broken home, witnessed and experienced abuse, grew up lacking basic provisions at times, and didn’t find Jesus Christ until I had spiraled out of control as a young adult limited who I would eventually become someday. Even if my outward appearance showed a measure of success, the inner woundedness kept me from enjoying it. For example, I have had to remember to smile: the joy just isn’t there a lot of the time to beam out from within me. This should have changed when I found Jesus and entered into a personal, saving relationship with Him. He redeemed my sin and began to fill the emptiness in my heart reserved only for Him. Why wasn’t it enough?
I’m not sure I have the answer to that just yet. I do know that sometimes we are our own worst enemies, eh? We get in the way of what the Lord has planned for our lives, the opportunities he places before us and noticing the lovely little niceties he sprinkles around us to show us His love. His love is always around us. It’s my opportunity to let more of it dwell within me and let my eyes find it around me too. And when that happens, more of Him flows through me to others, to my work, to my walk in this life with Him. I can see that it is happening despite my weakness; I just haven’t recognized it enough. I’m worried about appearing humble and making sure I “keep the gate closed” on the sordid remnants of my past. Maybe I don’t need another few years of psychotherapy to figure it all out. I just need to wait on Him. He is leading me more than I realize! And if that means anything to you, well let’s give God the glory! Like Patsy Clairmont says in her book of the same title, God Uses Cracked Pots (1991) like me.
We all have one past. Healing the hurts from our past requires grieving, reflection, restoration, and the passing of time. But carrying it around and letting those wounds drag down the current day that has enough challenges of its own is a mistake. Cut the ties to the past and live mindfully in the present. Don’t deny who you are or your unique story. Tell it to others who need to hear . . . talk about it with your heavenly Father who has sustained you to grow you into the man or woman you are today. The possibilities of an amazing future awaits, adventures big and tiny, and we don’t want to miss them do we?
Say, I saw a gathering of robins (that signal the first sign of Spring in the Midwest) playing in a couple of feet of snow the other day when I was coming home from that doctor appointment. I was exhausted as I turned the corner in my truck and some yucky stuff happened later that evening. All of these events were in the mix of the activities of my day. The bottom line is that the robins are back! That is just sweet enough to warm my heart and the tips of my fingers in my fingertip less gloves as I type into the wee hours of the morning (until it’s time to take my final saliva sample for a lab test at the correct time interval, that is!).
Talk about cracked pots . . . JJ
The sun has gone down over the drifts of snow blanketing our neighborhood. It’s (-1.7) degrees F outside, continuing the snowiest and coldest record-setting weather in our corner of the Midwest. The German shepherd pup doesn’t seem to mind that the snow in most places is deeper than her ears; she hops like a bunny at breakneck speed to catch up with us on foot or on skiis in the backyard anyways!
All is quiet now before Steve comes home from work. He’ll arrive within the next 30-minutes and rush about unloading his car, taking care of the pup, washing his workout clothes, and the like. Then comes the best part: a sweet kiss for his beloved, sitting here waiting, waiting. But for what am I really waiting?
In this Hillsong Music piece from 2010, we feel the timeless yearning of the songwriter as he runs into the arms of his beloved: the Lord, Jesus Christ. It is a love song for sure. The sojourner anticipates the embrace of the only One who can bring true goodness, joy, peace, truth, and light to a darkened world or situation. My favorite part includes the words in bold:
You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I’m letting go.Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign.
Into the night there are wretched seizure attacks waiting for me, every night for the last 8 months and every day for about the last 2 years. Last night turned ugly with convulsions and spontaneous vocalizations that appeared demonic at times. Steve rescued me sitting frozen at the edge of the bed then faced yet another late work night praying over me, warming my frigid frame. How much can a couple of broken souls endure? As believers we understand the answer: with Jesus, “all of it.” I’m here typing at the computer as proof. Sure makes me afraid to go to bed each night since an encore is usually waiting for me as my head hits the pillow. And you wonder why I stay up so late? Number one I am wide-awake about an hour after an episode ends, and number two I guess I’m trying to delay the inevitable. With prayers in-hand I go to bed. Eventually the noxious symptoms let go to a measure of sleep.
Tonight I will feel presence of the Lord in the love of my Steve. Tonight in my heart I will fill the empty places he cannot reach with the love of my Lord. After all there are places that only God can reach and fill, places He designed only for Himself. I have no idea how anyone would endure continuing heartache without knowing Him. Nothing else satisfies so completely.
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)
You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. (Psalm 59:17)
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (emphasis added). (Psalm 55:22)
So here is some simple encouragement for you this evening, Gentle Reader. Perhaps I am living proof that yet the righteous be shaken (only made right by the blood of Jesus), we can run with praise to the God of all creation who longs to fill the heart and soul with that for which it longs within us. It may look bad for a time. Gratefully, “time” won’t last forever though. ;j
13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. (John 16)
Jesus spoke these words as he was instructing the disciples about the Holy Spirit they would receive at Pentecost. These words came hours before He was to be arrested, tried and convicted of crimes He did not commit. He would be tortured, beaten and crucified in fulfillment of the scriptures that were written hundreds of years before He was born. All of this happened so we could be saved from the consequences of our sin and live forever with Him in heaven. For those who believe in Him, He dwells in their hearts, comforted and counseled by the Holy Spirit. Call it supernatural intuition if you like. Sometimes you just know something to be true, the right way to go. For followers of Jesus Christ, walking in the Spirit of truth is a smidgen of heaven on earth: one’s heart can be at peace at last.
I experienced this today. A phone consultation with a second physician within a week brought hope. I felt like my heart was at home in her care. I was moved to tears when Dr. B. confided in me her faith in the Lord, shared how she had reviewed my records at length in preparation for our appointment, and led me through a plan that incorporated everything that has transpired in the past 2 years. She has experienced biotoxin illness herself and has worked with the leading authority in the United States on this topic. Her gentleness calmed my fears. She listened. Hey guys: I am going to get well!
This next phase in my “Hope Beyond Lyme” journey will likely take another year. The treatment steps will include baby steps such as 1/4 tablets of medication, micro nutrition, retesting at better labs, and plenty of out-of-pocket expenses. At this point I am trusting the Lord to provide, to guide. My husband has been a great spiritual leader during this time of illness and I know he will lead us in these next steps as well. I am so glad I followed his advice not to fly across the country for medical consultations! We could not have afforded it anyways. And now the Lord has provided help from a clinic just a 2 1/2 hour car ride away. Pure Michigan. I’m going home to my home State for healing!
O.K. I don’t know if everything will be rosy but hey, I have hope again. Gentle Reader, isn’t that just swell? :J
Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important: the good ones soften the others!
I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening. Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years. Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB). Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks. The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly. Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside. A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head. Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time. However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter. To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .
Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet. Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday. He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members. I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me. This was a mixed blessing. I appreciate others asking and praying for me. Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter. Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.
One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital. Yipes! We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon. Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich. I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m. That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home. Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does. Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday. Before we knew it the evening was over. Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.
And so it goes. Life goes on. Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night: at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group. This is good. I am glad and it was worth the wait. :J
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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