trials – Page 8 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Just doing my job

Published on February 27, 2016February 27, 2016 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

occupational therapy, O.T., home care, home health, assistant, therapist, accessibility, tub transfer, adaptive equipement, Hope Beyond, therapist heal thyself, tub bench, transfer, gait belt, bathroom treatment, therapy — An O.T. assisting a client in a tub transfer using bathroom safety equipment.

When I was working in my career as an Occupational Therapist, I coined the following phrase to describe my role to my patients and their families:

An Occupational Therapist takes a look at how a person occupies his or her time and the skills needed to get through the day.

This definition worked well, given the diversity of populations, conditions, and treatment interventions utilized in O.T. Having a simple, quick definition helped me better communicate my 30+ years of licensed and skilled interventions from a variety of treatment settings that might be called upon at any stage over a course of therapy. Together we then crafted a course of action to get the person back into his or her life as best as possible. Funny how the person that may have benefitted the most from all of this is the one writing to you this evening . . .

Recovery from a serious illness has been a case of the phrase “therapist heal thyself” coupled with the expertise of a few other licensed professionals. My part was to study, research, document, evaluate, revise, manage, and just hang in there by my fingernails to get through these past 4 years. However I will credit the Lord, Jesus Christ for providing the courage and hope that my husband, Steve, and I needed to actually start seeing some progress. And guess what, it is starting to happen! The Lord has allowed recovery to begin!

Six weeks ago I began an ongoing, intensive course of IV antibiotics for the treatment of chronic Lyme disease. In the interim I experimented with liposomal melatonin, 5-HTP (a precursor to serotonin), and now CBD oil (from industrial hemp). I believe it is that latter that have helped to move my sleep/wake cycle from that of a brown bat to a gal that is just slightly a night owl. I am starting to dream again and have a little more energy, clarity of thought. Also the years spent chasing down mercury toxicity, mold illness, dental issues, and secondary infections have prepared me to tolerate this level of intensive treatment. Are you ready for the biggest change of all?

The two to five hours per day of violent convulsive episodes is diminishing in intensity and duration! This has been consistent for about two weeks now. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!

We are thrilled for some positive change in my condition! We are now hopeful that the powerful doses of antibiotics will help kill the Lyme bacteria and co-infections likely causing the seizure attacks and other noxious symptoms. Whoa. So how do I fill my days? I am continuing my full time job of daily detoxing, preparing a specifically crafted diet, maintaining a detailed treatment log, medical appointments averaging daily, supportive relationships, study-and-research, medical treatments (some complications came with the IV treatments), connecting online to forums critical to these efforts, the “stuff of life,” and taking a walk at least once per week. Maybe this week it will be twice? Yeah God, the pup will love that one!

Like in the past, right now I am just doing my job. I am grateful that the Lord saw fit to lead me into the profession of occupational therapy as it provided me the skills needed to manage the mechanics of this illness. Along the way my beloved Steve has been the greatest friend, confidant, witness, and spiritual leader that I could have ever asked for to walk this road with me. He has labored tirelessly night and day for me, for us. Thank you Jesus for Steve. There are many unknowns and many more months of treatment yet to follow for sure. No problemmo. With my Lord and Savior at the helm, I will be fine. Lord willing, I am going to get well!

Just thought you might like some good news from the “Hope Beyond” blog, eh? Take care Gentle Reader. And thank you for your support. You rock! JJ

So much to consider

Published on February 12, 2016 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

¹²But I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel.” Phil 1:12

Just as this picture and this scripture present two extremes of perspective for the activities of life, they are united in one theme: we shall rejoice with Christ as our guide! Yeah, I know that is a stretch . . . but we do know that the God of the universe has a sense of humor too, right? I mean he created aardvarks, zebras, and tse tse flies! What’s up with that? Oh I know that the Original Adam named them all but just how did he do that? They were all such weird creatures! So it follows then that humor can help us endure many kinds of extremes, even the ones you and I are facing today.

Take for another example the thieves that attempted to steal gasoline from an RV. This is a true story: instead of tapping off the gas line they ended up tapping off the septic line instead! When the fluid started flowing it was not fuel it was the polar opposite: stool! So sad. Such a righteous punishment I must admit! And as a grateful owner of a travel trailer all I can say is: Tee hee with a smirk. ;}

I cannot say that I can relate to the paradoxical themes of life with much right now with much lightness of spirit right now, however. I’ll just keep it simple: there’s some good and there’s some that is not.

On a good note I am grateful to report a widening of social contacts of late. I’ve reached out to some old friends and some newer gals have jumped back into my world from my local church. I appreciate the friends that I’ve met online (and you know who you angels of mercy are) and hope we can extend our fellowship. All of this is good. It’s amazing how all believers in Jesus Christ share a common unity even when the circumstances of our lives can be so different. We all have our daily wants and needs; our Lord cares for the desires of our hearts tenderly and for these we can pray in earnest for one another.

On a less good note, new I.V. antibiotic treatments for chronic Lyme disease are going quite roughly. Yup, revisiting Lyme since the persistent seizure attacks sure look like the episodes of others dealing with the neurological complications that can happen long after the acute infection has come and gone. It was 4 years ago that I first started treatment for Lyme when things got sidetracked for treatment of mold and mercury toxicity, dental issues, Candida, parasites, and a possible oxalate burden exacerbating fibromyalgia pain. Use of a Rife machine brought daily seizure attack episodes and treatment of Candida escalated them from 2 to 5 hours of convulsive episodes per day! I was bedridden the better part of about 4 days each week this past Spring, Summer, and Fall. So beginning in January I was started on high doses of IV Rocephin (antibiotic) and I remain sickly but out of bed more of the time. This treatment coupled with the wintry temperatures below freezing have brought incredible pain. However, the days that I am up until daybreak every night of the week has cut down; tinnitus, brain fog, and other executive functioning skills are sloooooowly shifting for the good. Sometimes even the pattern of convulsive episodes shift as well (thank you liposomal melatonin!). Just maybe these past 4 years have not been wasted after all! It appears that each new treatment has prepared me for such a time as this: we just might be able to treat this remaining beastly diagnosis and its co-infections to get well . . .

There is so much to consider. Will I continue on antibiotics long term? Will my health insurances help us out or cut us off next week? Will I be able to get a port to spare my aching skin and forearms from repeated pokes and dressings that trigger more wretched episodes? When would I transition back to more herbal-with-pharm-grade supplemental interventions? Will the reactivity to mold and fragrances ever come down or do I have to go live in a pristine environment somewhere for a few months later on to fully detox? How much more stress can my beloved husband, Steve, be expected to bear? And how will we pay for all of this?

As the frigid Winter temperatures of the Midwest bring more of a sense of retreat than charging forth into the unknown, we are choosing to press on anyways with my treatment for chronic Lyme disease. I just wear long underwear everyday to keep warm! We are starting where we are with a local, Lyme-Literate Medical Doctor who has treated dozens and dozens of cases successfully. I know that to be true. I have met many of them when we had a local Lyme disease support group. I noticed that each of us facing this dreadful disease had chosen a somewhat unique path to his or her recovery based upon the damage the infection caused to our bodies and our individual resources. (See this link for more info on chronic Lyme.) Perhaps my case was one of the more severe. Perhaps the Lord had more than “recovery” in mind when He allowed this serious illness into my life. There is so much to consider that simply was not on my radar over 4 years ago.

If you have found this blog by way of your own journey through chronic Lyme disease or some other serious illness, know that I am praying for you. There is hope! You are not alone, Gentle Reader. Please comment below and allow me, if you like, to connect you with a larger community of those finding meaning beyond his or her diagnosis. Our Lord, Jesus Christ, grieves for your suffering, your fear, your broken heartedness. He sees you and will see you through what you are facing as He has done so for me and Steve. He loves you more than anyone (including the furry pup above who has found his prize squirrel in the sunshine of a better day).

May we both smile some day in the arms of our Heavenly Father for having connected this day, for His glory. And, um, when we get our prized prey I’ll just say, “please pass the catsup.” Squirrel on the Bar-B-Que anyone? Ewwwwww! :JJ

Romans 8:28, encouragement, encouraging scripture, all things work together for good, hope, hang in there

Torture, water-boarding and more: Part 3

Published on January 2, 2016January 3, 2016 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

[Eight hours have passed since I wrote Part 2 that chronicled the second phase of my recent hearing and vestibular testing at our local Balance Center. Four hours of the eight were lost to persistent deep-brain convulsive episodes then passing out in exhaustion and tears for about 2 hours. These episodes are different from those usually associated with epilepsy; I do not have epilepsy as I am awake, aware of my surroundings, sometimes able to communicate, and can often pinpoint the trigger of the living hell that follows. (See this link for more information.) The assessment was completed 1 1/2 days ago but its negative impact has lingered. Here is my conclusion to this story with hopes of a little cathartic experience to follow as I use blogging to let go of the trauma that went before me.]

In Part 1 of this series I gave a brief history of the four years of illness that has precipitated the referral for testing at The Balance Center. In Part 2, I shared the severe struggle I encountered with the first two parts of the second phase of test procedures rendering me useless on a treatment table with my own carbon mask covering my face, wretchedly seizing without end. Eventually and by the grace of God the episodes finally stopped. I learned that the 3rd phase of the testing would conclude in this third treatment room where I was lying and would normally take about 30 minutes to complete. Alright, so again I rallied, sat up, got some new goggles calibrated, and got ready for battle.

The technician, “M,” had me lie back down on the treatment table for what appeared to be a simple process of keeping my eyes open in the darkened mask while she would be squirting some warm water into my ears, one at a time. She said that the water would only be a couple of degrees warmer than my own body temperature but might feel much hotter than that. She wrapped the left side of my head in A LOT of paper towels. Then suddenly without any additional warning a massive blast of really hot water banged against my tender ear drum! WTF? (Seriously, I generally don’t swear so imagine something nasty like moldy f-ruitcake at this juncture!) Then within seconds and before I could catch my breath CAME A SECOND BLAST of equally hot water! Within 10 seconds I was massively dizzy, yes, the highest number on her 4-point scale, thank you very much! How is this even possible? What the heck could they possibly be testing through such a tortuous, water-boarding procedure? I winced in more head and neck pain as the convulsive episodes immediately returned with a vengeance. “Why Lord!? Why all this suffering?” my heart cried.

I struggled as she kept telling me to keep my eyes open for two full minutes or we would have to repeat the sequence. Oh dear not that! All I wanted to do was close my eyes to retreat into the smallest cocoon in my mind and die. (Someone please kill me now.) Keeping my eyes open in a darkened room and blackened mask under these circumstances was more difficult that I can describe to you. I was wearing my carbon mask PLUS the large black mask pictured in Part 2, much like Darth Vader in The Force Awakens! Of course in the thick of the now-violent head banging it would be my only solace to close my eyes and hang on for a ride worse than a Mexican taxi driver racing along a dirt goat path along the side of a cliff. (I know. I have endured that too.) I am not sure that I even breathed a peep for the remaining seconds. “Please Lord. Make it stop!” I pleaded in earnest.

“M” graciously gave me all the time that I needed to start to calm down enough to try again. Perhaps, she said, she could allow me to skip the cold water-boarding torture test if I could only repeat everything on the right side too? Well that almost seemed like some good news at last! And there would only be one more test after this one. “One more? O.k.,” I thought to myself. “I am not coming back to this holocaust-for-a-day ever again so I had better decide right now how much of this I can really take.” And in the life of a believer in Jesus Christ the answer is faithfully: all of it. “Somehow, my Lord has seen me through so much hell in my life already,” I reasoned. “Please Lord, help me finish so I can go home.”

The last 2 blasts of hot water were slightly less traumatic in my right ear since I now knew what to expect. (Imagine that: you are about to get burned in one of your most sensitive parts knowing that it will spike dizziness worse than any world-famous roller coaster ride. You know that it is coming as the train click, click, clicks up the steep hill of the Gatekeeper at Cedar Point or some such nonsense. Good times indeed.) In that back room of The Balance Center I braced for impact. Smash! When the two minutes thereafter were done I wept from deep within my soul once again. There no longer was anywhere safe for me, without sickness or pain, anywhere on the earth. I am not being mellow dramatic. I was a machetied puppy in my spirit and broken in my weary frame. Everything hurt grievously.

In due time I was able to sit up, transfer to a chair, and finish the final light bar test. I have no idea how I did this. Suddenly the technician’s tempo increased and she revealed that she wanted to take me to the lobby so that she could clean the room! I knew that I had taken longer than most patients in completing the battery of tests. And that’s when her sweetness kind of stopped. She re-appeared with a wheelchair as I was still deciding if I was alive or dead? Could I move my limbs to get up or had I digressed into the neurological collapse that often follows severe convulsive episodes? More shaking, more head-banging followed this time sitting up and it had not stopped yet when “M” returned. (Those attacks are the worst kind, by the way. No protection for my neck when flailing up in space.) If my central nervous system was in collapse-mode then I would require maximum assistance to move. Moments passed. I breathed as best as I could. I really needed to walk out of there under my own power . . .

And so I did. I sat in the lobby for at least 30 minutes then another 20 minutes in my truck before even thinking about driving home. I could barely eat a few bites of the makeshift lunch I had brought with me. The words “shell-shocked” apply here. By the grace of God I rallied again and was able to drive home. Within a few minutes of arriving safely I came unglued, raced to our bedroom screaming and crying, overcome with grief, unable to speak to my beloved husband in complete sentences about all that I had endured that day. My mind unraveled. Somehow I completed the mold-avoidance procedures we follow when returning from any public place. Hot tears streamed down my face, mixed with the cleansing water from the shower head washing away the horror, revealing the sinus and neck headaches, unmasking the fact that no where in my body was free of pain. The bed received me at once with more thrashing/hell that was required to unwind all the damage that had been done. Eventually I passed out for about four hours . . .

********************

Somewhere in this journey that the Lord has ordained for my life will be a glorious story of redemptive grace. A miracle perhaps. Healing? Wisdom gleaned from the years the locusts have eaten, so to speak. Blessings? Those are promises that we all can count on when we walk with the Lord our God through His Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28). We will know that our trials will not be wasted. Something good will come from them whether in this life or the next. When I am more recovered from The Balance Center ordeal I will speak about this with more confidence that I can today. What I want you to know is that I am not giving up. My heart raced and I was unable to breathe during one of the most violent episodes that transpired during the test procedures but I did not die. That being said, it is again crystal clear there must be more for me in the future. I am still here so why not get ready to really live instead? I can deal with that one for sure.

And so can you, Gentle Reader. But if you are “dead” in your sins then that is a different matter. Why not choose life in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ who will one day replace all of this suffering with fulfillment of His promises? Please contact me if you want to discuss this further. Please allow my suffering to bring you renewal, bring you cleansing once and for all. We simply do not have any more time to waste!

Godspeed. JJ

Look into my eyes

Published on December 18, 2015December 18, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

In my very early contacts with who would become my Intended Beloved, I realized that I had not seen any close-up pictures of him. We had met online after Steve had found me in the database of the dating website Yahoo Personals. He certainly spoke and wrote like a God-fearing man yet I could not yet see it in his eyes! “Could you send me a picture that includes a look into your eyes closer-up?” I asked. Here is one that he sent me.

steve-self 005-small

I was tickled that he took the time (long before the convenience of smart phones, by the way) to set up his tripod, take and upload the photos, then send them to me via email! Wow. He must have liked my profile photo a bit more than I thought already?

6A1H2701

Flash forward less than a year and the look we have as we gaze at each other at our wedding probably tells its own story . . .

wed-10

How could I possibly know that this gaze would only deepen, soften, and grow to a bond impervious to the tempestuous trials that came our way four years later? Only the Lord knew what was ahead of us. Only the Lord and the workings of the Holy Spirit could move this love to such a tender place built to last.

Funny thing is that I do not have a recent picture to show you what I mean. We just haven’t been able to go out as much to make memories worthy of recording. A photo taken on our recent anniversary may show a bit of weariness for me. Yet if you look closely, that’s a mighty strong arm holding me closely to his side. The joy on Steve’s face is unmistakable. That’s an arm of protection, of leadership, of devotion like no other wrapped tightly around me on a cool wintry night.

Crop of 8th Anniversary

I am so very grateful to see the eyes of Christ in my precious Steve. Like my Lord Jesus, Steve is even more wonderful than the day I met him. His love has transformed my heart for sure.

Ever look into the eyes of someone like that, Gentle Reader? Was it long ago? Oh I hope that if it has not yet happened then it will someday soon! When it does I hope that you will tell the world about it. Maybe with a song like this one, in celebration of the eyes of love tonight: