suffering – Page 22 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Into the night

Published on February 7, 2014February 10, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

The sun has gone down over the drifts of snow blanketing our neighborhood. It’s (-1.7) degrees F outside, continuing the snowiest and coldest record-setting weather in our corner of the Midwest. The German shepherd pup doesn’t seem to mind that the snow in most places is deeper than her ears; she hops like a bunny at breakneck speed to catch up with us on foot or on skiis in the backyard anyways!

All is quiet now before Steve comes home from work. He’ll arrive within the next 30-minutes and rush about unloading his car, taking care of the pup, washing his workout clothes, and the like. Then comes the best part: a sweet kiss for his beloved, sitting here waiting, waiting. But for what am I really waiting?

In this Hillsong Music piece from 2010, we feel the timeless yearning of the songwriter as he runs into the arms of his beloved: the Lord, Jesus Christ. It is a love song for sure. The sojourner anticipates the embrace of the only One who can bring true goodness, joy, peace, truth, and light to a darkened world or situation. My favorite part includes the words in bold:

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I’m letting go.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign.

Into the night there are wretched seizure attacks waiting for me, every night for the last 8 months and every day for about the last 2 years. Last night turned ugly with convulsions and spontaneous vocalizations that appeared demonic at times. Steve rescued me sitting frozen at the edge of the bed then faced yet another late work night praying over me, warming my frigid frame. How much can a couple of broken souls endure? As believers we understand the answer: with Jesus, “all of it.” I’m here typing at the computer as proof. Sure makes me afraid to go to bed each night since an encore is usually waiting for me as my head hits the pillow. And you wonder why I stay up so late? Number one I am wide-awake about an hour after an episode ends, and number two I guess I’m trying to delay the inevitable. With prayers in-hand I go to bed. Eventually the noxious symptoms let go to a measure of sleep.

Tonight I will feel presence of the Lord in the love of my Steve. Tonight in my heart I will fill the empty places he cannot reach with the love of my Lord. After all there are places that only God can reach and fill, places He designed only for Himself. I have no idea how anyone would endure continuing heartache without knowing Him. Nothing else satisfies so completely.

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. (Psalm 59:17)

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (emphasis added). (Psalm 55:22)

So here is some simple encouragement for you this evening, Gentle Reader. Perhaps I am living proof that yet the righteous be shaken (only made right by the blood of Jesus), we can run with praise to the God of all creation who longs to fill the heart and soul with that for which it longs within us. It may look bad for a time. Gratefully, “time” won’t last forever though. ;j

Click on image to link to: Forever (He) Reign

They came, they went, and life goes on

Published on February 4, 2014February 4, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important: the good ones soften the others!

I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening. Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years. Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB). Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks. The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly. Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside. A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head. Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time. However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter. To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .

Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet. Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday. He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members. I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me. This was a mixed blessing. I appreciate others asking and praying for me. Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter. Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.

One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital. Yipes! We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon. Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich. I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m. That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home. Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does. Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday. Before we knew it the evening was over. Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.

And so it goes. Life goes on. Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night: at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group. This is good. I am glad and it was worth the wait. :J

He knows me so well

Published on February 2, 2014February 3, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded4 Comments

There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is. There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle. Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life. The dangling participle is apropos. I am lost as to my exact location. All I know is how I got here. I have no idea what the game plan is. Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time. Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless. I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on). And then a new problemmo emerges. Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose. That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database. Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test. “Look me in the eye!” is all I am asking. Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?” After all, that is why I am there! I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed. Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point. While I do believe that I will be well someday even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this: I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write. There is nothing left to say. I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit. There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening. That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ. You know my aching heart. You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life. You saw this breaking point long before it came. All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up. I give up. Take me as I am.

Sorry, Gentle Reader. This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.

Into the Night

Published on January 26, 2014January 26, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

I am finally awake, stable, and coherent all at the same time! It is now 12:48 a.m. Such is life.

On a good note, I was able to march around outside this evening in my snowshoes for about 30 minutes this evening. The night air felt bitterly cold yet the sky was clear with all of the stars visible in our Midwestern corner of the world. I love seeing our German Shepherd, Elle, jump from one snow drift to the other as she chases after my husband and me. But perhaps my most favorite moment was seeing her waiting for me as she looked into the house from outside on our covered porch. Steve had taken off cross country skiing in the backyard and pond area. She usually follows him closely, often pouncing behind him in his tracks when the snow is deep. Today she knew that I would be headed out with him shortly after he left and there she was: waiting with her big expectant brown eyes. Ah the love of one’s pup!

Sometimes when I am alone it is hard to feel the love that I know exists in my life. When I am the sickest each morning this is especially true. For me it seems that so much of the success of recovering from this time of illness will lie in what I do with the grief of the trauma I have experienced. For over two years now, I have felt traumatized by the wretched seizure attack episodes that wrench my body with pain, headaches, cognitive changes, ringing in my ears, crying, spontaneous vocalizations, and violent seizing. For over two months, the episodes last around four hours total per day with the worst ones occurring in the evening. The sadness can be overwhelming; the disappointment each time they return can be heavily discouraging. Both can lead to a sense of emptiness that is devoid of love, hope, and meaning. At some point I recover enough from an attack to get something to eat or drink. Even eye contact with the lone pet left behind with me when everyone else in my life has gone off to work or some other noble activity can be a mixed blessing: comforting and protective (yes) yet a pittance for more meaningful human contact. By the way, where is God?

Yes, I often long for Jesus with skin on at these times. I am grateful that most recently I have found Him in the caring voice of a friend on the phone and always in the loving embrace of my beloved Steve. Sometimes I miss picking up the phone and calling my mom. This desire to connect with her seems stronger the more the years go by since she passed away nearly seven years ago. I guess it is normal when a person goes through a time of testing or sorrow to desire the comfort and wisdom of a parent no matter what your current age might be. If my mom were still alive today I think she would want me to keep moving, keep going, keep trying despite the setbacks. O.K. mom: will do. For tonight I’m going to call on the One who sees me whether or not my husband is around, the dog is awake, a friend is home to answer the phone, or my self-soothing words in my heart to my deceased mother means anything. I’m going to the throne of grace.

My dear friend mentioned Psalm 91 yesterday. Here are some gems from the Psalm to which those with an anxious heart often turn:

Psalm 91

¹Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.²I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

**************

¹⁴“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

From Bibleclassics.com I found this little gem of insight into Psalm 91 that spoke to my heart this night: “Whatever happens, nothing shall hurt the believer; though trouble and affliction befal, it shall come, not for his hurt, but for good, though for the present it be not joyous but grievous. Those who rightly know God, will set their love upon him. They by prayer constantly call upon him. His promise is, that he will in due time deliver the believer out of trouble, and in the mean time be with him in trouble. The Lord will manage all his worldly concerns, and preserve his life on earth, so long as it shall be good for him. For encouragement in this he looks unto Jesus.”

Yes, thank you Matthew Henry. I will hold onto the psalmist’s words of comfort inspired by my Lord who sees me on my bed of sickness, who promises He will never leave me or forsake me. And if it be His will, He will deliver me from my suffering. Into this night and for the rest of my nights I will ultimately rest in the loving arms of the one who is showing me His goodness despite the darkness. No matter what the next day might bring I will trust You. No matter what the next hour may bring I will wait on You.

No matter what you too may endure Gentle Reader, I hope that you will be encouraged that your sadness or disappointment does not go unnoticed by the Lord who loves you too. He is worthy of our faith. And I know if we both but believe in Him, we will be blessed in some special way that will transcend our nights, our days. In the meantime He will not frustrate us beyond our ability to cope and will provide a way out when overwrought with temptation. These are promises in His Word and truths by which we can endure all things. We will never be alone. His eyes will always be smiling towards us through the looking glass of life. JJ

I’m stuck to my chair!

Published on January 22, 2014January 22, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded5 Comments

Again it seems that my greatest clarity of thought arrives after 3:00 a.m.! Such a strange phenomenon. I am always amazed at all of us web crawlers on Facebook at this tender hour. So I’m not alone after all. So it’s o.k. then, right?

Sometimes I’m not so sure I’m doing this thing right: trying to recover from a serious illness that is. The findings, colorful cords, and beading wonders of Trinity Jewelry by Design sit right behind me, untouched for almost 2 months. The creative juices appear to be flowing more through the keyboard than the macramé knotting board these days. Who can think in color when just three hours earlier I was nearly wretching from the noxious seizing of my once functional central nervous system? Tics of organic origin. Non-epileptic seizures. Whatever. I miss the once creative and functional Julie!

My beloved Steve is so gracious with me at these low times. All I could do tonight was yelp and squeak a bit as he sat within earshot in our nightly arrangement of sorts. I muttered a “help” and he came near, warming my frigid hands and feet with his comforting frame. The episode continued, alas, for another hour or more. Frankly, I lost track of time. All I know is that I did not make dinner this evening; I’ve got another shot at making his lunch for work tomorrow after we part ways tonight Gentle Reader. Looks like I’ll be able to pull some good eats together this evening after all.

In the song by Casting Crowns, Mark Hall sings of praising the Lord in the heartache of life’s storms. Perhaps you remember this moving Lifesong ballad from 2006?

Praise you in the Storm

Yes, and perhaps you remember me posting it in a previous blog last year as well. No big deal. No matter how many times it takes, no matter how many tears may fall, and no matter how many blog posts you may endure the message will still be the same: my face is towards my Immanuel through the storm to the rainbow waiting for me at it’s end. Period. There is nothing else for me to do. My Lord has seen fit to keep me here with lightening bolts running through my mind each day. Seizures can kill people. I am still here. For me the seizure attacks are a bit of a right of passage. The more I have, the more my angst turns into breaths of anticipation. What will come with the next breath? No worries about tomorrow. The moment here and now! If my mind wanders to anything stressful, the symptoms worsen. So I am learning to live in the length of one breath at a time. One s-i-n-g-l-e b-r-e-a-t-h at a time.

No wonder it is difficult to leave my chair most evenings! I am weak and tooling around on the computer is certainly a step up from lying there, writhing in bed. Nausea and sweats can increase if I do too much unless there is some sort of a clearing phenomenon first. When that happens I do as much as I possibly can before the freedom ends. Sometimes I’m not quite finished with a task when sickness returns; it’s always a bit tricky when that happens. And that’s when the Lord adds His incredible increase, endurance, grace. I cling to the God-breathed promises of His Holy Word and He delivers me without fail. This is where my spiritual gift of faith comes from: witnessing His faithfulness in my times of need. Faith brings hope as well.

He is worthy of your cries my friend. No matter how big or how small, the God of infinite mercy and love is ready, willing, and able to receive the desires of your heart. If you don’t believe me then your definition of God is not big enough. ‘Nuff said.

I guess it’s time to get up now. Will it be leftover barbeque meatloaf or smoked turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow? Gee, maybe I can even melt some cheese on the bread for a tasty treat. I love spoiling my Stevers. He is so good to me. :J