suffering – Page 21 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Like a River Glorious

Published on February 20, 2014February 20, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded6 Comments

In his first solo CD, Huntley Brown clinked the keys of a grand piano with such magnificent flow that it sounded like the rushing waters of a mighty river. Check it out yourself on You Tube at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up1ygB0ZYes I first heard this amazing piece when he was first performing in churches across the United States about 20 years ago. This native born Jamaican had surely witnessed the glory of majestic waters crashing upon the sandy beaches of his homeland. Yes! I can picture it. How about you?

The imagery of a river is meaningful to me. When I was a child I fell into a river when helping groom a trail along the Clinton River in Michigan. It was part of a day camp experience and I was scared then upset because I had to stay in my muddy, wet clothes for the rest of the day! Oh the trials of childhood!

Trials indeed. When I would break down into tears as a young girl my brother, Mike, would taunt me mercilessly. He stood in front of me with the palms of his hands facing upwards and sneered, “cry me a river!!!” I burned with anger. He had no idea the pain underneath those tears that finally spilled down onto my face after holding so much hurt inside: hurt with no safe place to go. I had endured two of three sexual abusers by this age: the damage was done. No river could contain my tears, or at least that is how it felt, should the “dam ever break open.”

Flash forward 40 years. The abusers are now deceased and forgiven; my heavenly Father has filled the hurt with His amazing grace and love. I married my intended beloved and he introduced me to kayaking on the rivers of Fort Wayne, Indiana. We began on the water together in a Hobie Oasis (i.e. a pedal-driven kayak) until I progressed to a solo Think Fit Sea Kayak. By October of 2011, I was in the best physical shape of my life despite an underlying chronic pain condition and had upgraded to a beginner surf ski kayak: the Stellar SR. For almost three years my husband and I had enjoyed kayaking with a local recreational group on Tuesday nights all summer through the early Fall. The wonder of the rivers and waterways we explored together eventually changed my perception of them; after all I had grown up by the polluted Detroit River, downriver from the steel mills! Rivers? Yuck! Boating on the water back then for me meant exploring the Five Great Lakes and clear blue inland lakes of Michigan by speedboat not human-powered slo-mo vessels!

Well who knew that Indiana was so beautiful? We witnessed young deer up close, sneaking to the edge of the water for a drink and Great Blue Herons feeding their young in the tops of trees. Paddling with a gaggle of 20 or more colorful kayaks with double-bladed paddles gently sliding through the water was a really cool sight to see. For the first time in my life I felt “cool!” The evening excursions were sweetened by the chocolate chip and peanut butter monster cookies from a fellow kayaker as the sun was setting over the boat launch at the end of the day. The sunset is simply glorious on the waters of a river winding through the woodland . . .

It sure is a curious thing that the most significant episode of illness in my life would begin after kayaking in a local reservoir and river. The complicated course of events that followed prevented me from all but limited excursions on the water for the next two and one-half years. I’ve now sold both kayaks mentioned here and we have replaced them with solo and tandem outrigger canoes. My balance skills have suffered of late so the Hawaiian-style outrigger provides stability with maximum performance. After all, Steve is a competitive kayak racer so we are grateful to have fast and great gear along with really cool looking boats! Lord willing, I look forward to getting on the water again sometime this year.

And so I was praying, crying out to the Lord recently when the most difficult parts of this illness had led to feelings of despair. Perhaps you read the previous blog entitled, “Psalm 71?” Yeah, I hit rock bottom a couple of nights ago. Within a day the Lord led me through His Holy Spirit to an understanding of where I am and where all of this might be going. This did not come with exacting answers of time or place initially. I came to understand that the process of searching a new treatment option was like that of waters moving from one place to the next. The Lord placed me in the middle of the stream of new research and methodically led me through the steps of discovery to a new treatment modality. I will write more about what it is another time. What I will say here is that I am in awe that there were no barriers along the way just an open current, if you will, of information even when I could not see where the research was leading me. When I finally landed at a decision, like putting-in or taking-out at a boat launch that both sends you on an adventure or returns you home, He showed me the symbolism of a river, glorious. The image of a river made sense to me. The residual pain from my brother’s comments so many years ago finally faded. The Lord gathered my cries for help like a gentle stream at the mouth of a river leading to His heart. I believe there will be a significant measure of healing this time.

Psalm 98:7-8

Let the sea resound, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
let the mountains sing together for joy;

Song of Songs 8:7

Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
    all the wealth of one’s house for love,
    it would be utterly scorned.

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Lamentations 2:18

The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. You walls of Daughter Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest.

Amos 5:24

But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!

John 7:38

Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.

Revelation 22

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb ²down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. ³No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. ⁴They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. ⁵There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.

Tonight I rest along the banks of my Heavenly Father’s river of life.

Thank you, Lord, for carrying me downstream as far and as long as was needed to bring me to this new place of hope. Oh my Lord, forgive me for my desperation, for not trusting You. Help me to trust you, to continue to abide in your streams of righteousness, wisdom and grace. Renew my faith, strengthen my sea legs if You will, until it’s time for me to come home. I love you. Julie

Psalm 71

Published on February 18, 2014February 18, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Psalm 71

¹In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;     let me never be put to shame. ²In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;     turn your ear to me and save me. ³Be my rock of refuge,     to which I can always go; give the command to save me,     for you are my rock and my fortress. ⁴Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,     from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

⁵For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,     my confidence since my youth. ⁶From birth I have relied on you;     you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.     I will ever praise you. ⁷I have become a sign to many;     you are my strong refuge. ⁸My mouth is filled with your praise,     declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹Do not cast me away when I am old;     do not forsake me when my strength is gone. ¹⁰For my enemies speak against me;     those who wait to kill me conspire together. ¹¹They say, “God has forsaken him;     pursue him and seize him,     for no one will rescue him.” ¹²Do not be far from me, my God;     come quickly, God, to help me. ¹³May my accusers perish in shame;     may those who want to harm me     be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴As for me, I will always have hope;     I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,     of your saving acts all day long—     though I know not how to relate them all. ¹⁶I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;     I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. ¹⁷Since my youth, God, you have taught me,     and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. ¹⁸Even when I am old and gray,     do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation,     your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,     you who have done great things.     Who is like you, God? ²⁰Though you have made me see troubles,     many and bitter,     you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth     you will again bring me up. ²¹You will increase my honor     and comfort me once more.

²²I will praise you with the harp     for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre,     Holy One of Israel. ²³My lips will shout for joy     when I sing praise to you—     I whom you have delivered. ²⁴My tongue will tell of your righteous acts     all day long, for those who wanted to harm me     have been put to shame and confusion.

**********************************************

Tonight as my body thrashed about I cried out to the Lord, asking “don’t you see me?”

Tonight I cried out for the Lord to take me, as in take me home. He did not answer.

Tonight I cried out asking Him not to leave me here this way. He did not answer.

The after burn of the seizure attacks, flu-spikes, chest compression symptoms making breathing labored, increased pain, and massive neck headache was unbearable once again this evening. Things are getting worse. This was my third episode today with over two dozen individual incidences!

My precious husband got out of bed after 1:00 a.m. to get me something to eat in an effort to end the tic attacks that would not stop after the seizures.

It is now over an hour later and I am stable. I am beat up. I am still here!

I will remind myself to have hope, to cultivate hope that comes through faith in Jesus Christ. Sometimes He speaks and sometimes He is silent. And for those who believe in Him, He is always present.

Psalm 71 puts it all together for me right now, so this is how I will pray as I go forth from this night. And that’s about how far I have gotten. My tummy hurts. Time to go back to bed. I think I can sleep now.

And in the meantime . . .

Published on February 13, 2014February 14, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

November 20, 2011 around noon. I was alone when my body began shaking uncontrollably. I was having difficulty thinking clearly and my speech was strained. All kinds of fearful, crazy thoughts ran through my mind including blaming myself for what was happening! It was the day after travelling about 16 hours to see family out of State and my husband had gotten up early after just a few hours of sleep to go to church and out to lunch with everyone. Having never fully recovered from viral hepatitis 1 1/2 months earlier and somehow surviving the extended car ride, there just wasn’t any strength left to get up in the morning and join them. Now I was immobilized and terrified of what was happening to me. Somehow I figured out that low blood sugar was worsening the symptoms. Finally I figured out that I needed to call Steve: he could bring home a take-out lunch for me from the restaurant and I would hang on until he got home. The only problems is that everyone was stuck on the other side of town anyways, with the drawbridge up that connected the roads between us! Flash forward about two hours and the episode was over. I fell into a fit full sleep and showered much later that day, pretty beat up from everything and quite embarrassed too. What had happened to me?

April 15, 2012 at 3:00 a.m. I awakened on my birthday with a nightmare and unusual shaking. The nightmare wouldn’t stop even though I was awake, whether or not my eyes are closed. I remained awake a long time, unable to fall back asleep. This incident occurred nine days after beginning to use a Rife machine, six days per week. (A Rife machine generates wavelengths of light and sound in program sequences designed to match the vibrational frequencies of various tissues and organisms in the body.) Treatment for Lyme disease had begun in January with a 5-week course of antibiotics then continued with Rife treatments late in March when I could not tolerate the antibiotics.

April 18, 2012 at 9:20 a.m. After running 15 minutes of various Rife programs, I was shivering uncontrollably. My hands and feet felt extremely cold. Fatigue overtook me and I napped almost two hours. I woke up feeling somewhat rested until crashing after additional treatments including the beginning of a series of magnesium injections.

April 19, 2012 around 5:20 p.m. I am suddenly awakened from a post-Rife treatment nap with the barking of our dog. I am unable to move for almost 30 minutes. My mind is dull yet rested until the second Rife treatment two hours later when I felt depleted once again. I learned that this can be a typical response to various treatments for Lyme disease and is often called a herxheimer reaction.

April 21, 2012 around 3:30 p.m. From my treatment journal I note, “moderate then moderately severe tics as I went to take a nap. Cast out with calling out the name of Jesus. Calmed. Re-started. Called out 2-3 more times and stopped.” A two and one-half hour nap followed shortly thereafter! Napping became my pattern after running Rife programs; my days were consumed with managing all the aspects of treatment.

The attacks of tic episodes continued every other day or so, mixed with nightmares most every day through the rest of the month of April. Beginning May 5th, the low grade and severe tic episodes ramped up to virtually every day. Most often they occurred when falling asleep after a Rife treatment or when trying to fall asleep at night. The first extended episode that appeared to be a full-blown waking seizure was on May 12th after a nap. It lasted 1 1/2 hours! I struggled to keep myself from hyperventilating or stop breathing altogether. Talking or voluntary movement were extremely difficult and made the attacks worse when attempted. I cried! My body temperature dropped and both thirst and hunger pangs increased dramatically. I was miserable, exhausted, and terrified all at the same time. While the nightmares would continue most days for another two weeks, they generally ended and recurred occasionally when taking a new medication or supplement.

Flash forward one year. We remediated our home for mold early in 2013 and both my medication and supplement regimes had changed many times. The seizure attack episodes increased to a couple of hours on a daily basis with some patterning in addition to after exposure to noxious stimuli. I stopped attending worship services at our church since it is a water-damaged building with mold. A recurrent urinary tract infection required treatment with a series of different antibiotics. The seizure attack episodes escalated into convulsions 1-2 hours after taking an antibiotic. My world continued crashing in on me as I began reacting to more and more foods, supplements, and types of noxious stimuli including loud music and bright lights. The tic and seizure attacks ramped up in the summer of 2013 to 3-4 times per day for a total of four hours per day and continued at this level for the next EIGHT MONTHS UNTIL JANUARY OF 2014.

In January of 2014 I was very beat up from the wretched seizure-like episodes. Remarkably they generally decreased to three hours-per-day in February after a series of extremely strict dietary regimes: a stricter, no-low-starch-veggie-Candida diet; Candida and mold-free diet; Candida, mold-free, and low sulfur diet; and finally where I am right now: Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet. I have religiously documented my treatment protocols and responses to them, tracked trends, consulted with neurologists & a pulmonologist, networked in numerous online forums and support groups, and researched every angle of this illness to no avail. Overall these days, this sickness is looking more like a biotoxin illness than Lyme Disease as evidenced by some genetic testing of late.

As of February 2014, some improvements have come including being better able to stay asleep and having stronger nails! My hair is thinner and so am I! However, I am largely deconditioned from intolerance to a full daily schedule of activities including exercise; headaches, global pain, ringing in my ears, and more have worsened. I haven’t worked in two years and am homebound much of the week. Concentrating on my hobby jewelry business is extremely difficult. Somehow I have still continued to blog and am grateful for a two-week improvement in my cognition long enough in October to publish my eBook: Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. I am grateful for all of the wonderful fellow sojourners I have met these past 2 1/2 years and have made some new friends too. When I see that a non-believer has read this blog, my spirit soars to think maybe the Lord is using my trials to reach others with hope for His glory! To see the Lord, Jesus Christ, as my sustaining grace and a source of hope for enduring the trials of this life makes this blog more than a journal and for that I am humbled, grateful.

And in the meantime . . . I am ready for the seizure-attacks to stop, of course! My neck is killing me from all of the thrashing about you know! I grieve the loss of time, the thousands of dollars, the stress, the isolation, and the strain on my beloved Steve. Will I become disabled or return to work? There is only One who knows the answers to that question and another big one, “why?” Gentle Reader, if you have read this blog before, you know what I am about to write here: it’s o.k. I’m going to trust the lover of my soul anyways, no matter what happens. I may try another treatment approach before I can see the doctors in a new clinic up in Michigan next month. High CBD hemp oil (legal in all 50 States) has been shown to work well for both children and adults with seizures and who knows, it just might help me too. However, I have been down this road of hoping for a cure before, only to have things worsen. Yeah, supreme bummer for sure. Sigh. It takes what it takes. Sometimes we wait and sometimes we go backwards. If the Lord leads me to some new information and gives me the ability to search it out . . . if my husband agrees . . . if the resources present themselves . . . and if there are no barriers after prayer and sleeping on it . . . sure, Ima gonna try it.

So when it works, Lord willing, you can join me in rejoicing for having hung in there with me along the twists and turns of this difficult journey. I hope I remember to lean on the Lord when times are good as well as when they are bad. Please help me keep my Jesus in front of me as He goes before me each day. Now let’s all get ready for some good news, k!

Some things remain a mystery, some not.

Published on February 10, 2014February 11, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

An instant later, both Professor Waxman, and his time machine are obliterated, leaving the cold-blooded / warm-blooded dinosaur debate still unresolved.

Today I am recovering from a terrible setback. Turns out the herbal remedy from New Zealand with promising research is horrible for me in my battle with Candida Enteritis. Will go back to my gentler protocol while I await results from testing that I will submit this week. Thereafter I will schedule with a new clinic and in many ways, start over.

Sometimes, the dinosaur wins.

We all have but one past

Published on February 9, 2014February 9, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

“We all have one past, but many possible futures,” stated Canadian hockey player Guy LaFleur, in an interview at his retirement (as quoted in the February 2014 newsletter of RZIM ministries).

²⁴However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. (The apostle Paul speaking in Acts 20:24)

Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. (Proverbs 4:25-26)

Oh to be able to empty myself of yesterday and walk forth into tomorrow with great expectation! To live in the moment with hope that what comes will be filled with the Lord’s tender mercies and grace is to really live freely in Christ. And to know that the struggles of the day will work itself into a beautiful tapestry of my eternal life that has already begun, well, that’s really head-y man!

When I was researching yet another new dietary approach to the illness I endure, I realized how many times I have done this work before. Over and over again I have sat here at our computer and continued to research solutions to the treatment failures in the past. I admit that the new ideas don’t always come from the Lord, however. Who else would come up with a way to make turnips to fit a Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? (Chuckle.) I believe it is the Lord who inspires the best of what comes from me through the Holy Spirit and then provides just enough energy to get me there. For example, I had an unexpected, Divine appointment with a friend who happened to be in the lobby of our doctor’s office on Friday. She needed prayer badly! The Lord in his mercy used me to step out in faith and pray with her right then and there. The fellowship moved each of us. The moment would have been missed if the Lord had orchestrated the events for me to leave the building just a few minutes earlier or later . . .

But really, until I started writing this I always thought that deep down inside I was someone who carried the events of my sordid childhood on my sleeve. My utility to this world was somehow limited because of my past. I thought that the facts that I came from a broken home, witnessed and experienced abuse, grew up lacking basic provisions at times, and didn’t find Jesus Christ until I had spiraled out of control as a young adult limited who I would eventually become someday. Even if my outward appearance showed a measure of success, the inner woundedness kept me from enjoying it. For example, I have had to remember to smile: the joy just isn’t there a lot of the time to beam out from within me. This should have changed when I found Jesus and entered into a personal, saving relationship with Him. He redeemed my sin and began to fill the emptiness in my heart reserved only for Him. Why wasn’t it enough?

I’m not sure I have the answer to that just yet. I do know that sometimes we are our own worst enemies, eh? We get in the way of what the Lord has planned for our lives, the opportunities he places before us and noticing the lovely little niceties he sprinkles around us to show us His love. His love is always around us. It’s my opportunity to let more of it dwell within me and let my eyes find it around me too. And when that happens, more of Him flows through me to others, to my work, to my walk in this life with Him. I can see that it is happening despite my weakness; I just haven’t recognized it enough. I’m worried about appearing humble and making sure I “keep the gate closed” on the sordid remnants of my past. Maybe I don’t need another few years of psychotherapy to figure it all out. I just need to wait on Him. He is leading me more than I realize! And if that means anything to you, well let’s give God the glory! Like Patsy Clairmont says in her book of the same title, God Uses Cracked Pots (1991) like me.

We all have one past. Healing the hurts from our past requires grieving, reflection, restoration, and the passing of time. But carrying it around and letting those wounds drag down the current day that has enough challenges of its own is a mistake. Cut the ties to the past and live mindfully in the present. Don’t deny who you are or your unique story. Tell it to others who need to hear . . . talk about it with your heavenly Father who has sustained you to grow you into the man or woman you are today. The possibilities of an amazing future awaits, adventures big and tiny, and we don’t want to miss them do we?

Say, I saw a gathering of robins (that signal the first sign of Spring in the Midwest) playing in a couple of feet of snow the other day when I was coming home from that doctor appointment. I was exhausted as I turned the corner in my truck and some yucky stuff happened later that evening. All of these events were in the mix of the activities of my day. The bottom line is that the robins are back! That is just sweet enough to warm my heart and the tips of my fingers in my fingertip less gloves as I type into the wee hours of the morning (until it’s time to take my final saliva sample for a lab test at the correct time interval, that is!).

Talk about cracked pots . . . JJ