Tag: Prayer

I’m stuck to my chair!

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Again it seems that my greatest clarity of thought arrives after 3:00 a.m.!  Such a strange phenomenon.  I am always amazed at all of us web crawlers on Facebook at this tender hour.  So I’m not alone after all.  So it’s o.k. then, right?

Sometimes I’m not so sure I’m doing this thing right:  trying to recover from a serious illness that is.  The findings, colorful cords, and beading wonders of Trinity Jewelry by Design sit right behind me, untouched for almost 2 months.  The creative juices appear to be flowing more through the keyboard than the macramé knotting board these days.  Who can think in color when just three  hours earlier I was nearly wretching from the noxious seizing of my once functional central nervous system?  Tics of organic origin.  Non-epileptic seizures.  Whatever.  I miss the once creative and functional Julie!

My beloved Steve is so gracious with me at these low times.  All I could do tonight was yelp and squeak a bit as he sat within earshot in our nightly arrangement of sorts.  I muttered a “help” and he came near, warming my frigid hands and feet with his comforting frame.  The episode continued, alas, for another hour or more.  Frankly, I lost track of time.  All I know is that I did not make dinner this evening; I’ve got another shot at making his lunch for work tomorrow after we part ways tonight Gentle Reader.  Looks like I’ll be able to pull some good eats together this evening after all.

In the song by Casting Crowns, Mark Hall sings of praising the Lord in the heartache of life’s storms.  Perhaps you remember this moving Lifesong ballad from 2006?

Praise you in the Storm

Yes, and perhaps you remember me posting it in a previous blog last year as well.  No big deal.  No matter how many times it takes, no matter how many tears may fall, and no matter how many blog posts you may endure the message will still be the same:  my face is towards my Immanuel through the storm to the rainbow waiting for me at it’s end.  Period.  There is nothing else for me to do.  My Lord has seen fit to keep me here with lightening bolts running through my mind each day.  Seizures can kill people.  I am still here.  For me the seizure attacks are a bit of a right of passage.  The more I have, the more my angst turns into breaths of anticipation.  What will come with the next breath?  No worries about tomorrow.  The moment here and now!  If my mind wanders to anything stressful, the symptoms worsen.  So I am learning to live in the length of one breath at a time.  One s-i-n-g-l-e b-r-e-a-t-h at a time.rainbow and storm clouds

No wonder it is difficult to leave my chair most evenings!  I am weak and tooling around on the computer is certainly a step up from lying there, writhing in bed.  Nausea and sweats can increase if I do too much unless there is some sort of a clearing phenomenon first.  When that happens I do as much as I possibly can before the freedom ends.  Sometimes I’m  not quite finished with a task when sickness returns; it’s always a bit tricky when that happens.  And that’s when the Lord adds His incredible increase, endurance, grace.  I cling to the God-breathed promises of His Holy Word and He delivers me without fail.  This is where my spiritual gift of faith comes from:  witnessing His faithfulness in my times of need.  Faith brings hope as well.

He is worthy of your cries my friend.  No matter how big or how small, the God of infinite mercy and love is ready, willing, and able to receive the desires of your heart.  If you don’t believe me then your definition of God is not big enough.  ‘Nuff said.

I guess it’s time to get up now.   Will it be leftover barbeque meatloaf or smoked turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow?  Gee, maybe I can even melt some cheese on the bread for a tasty treat.  I love spoiling my Stevers.  He is so good to me.  :J

I was talking to God the other day . . .

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I was talking to God the other day, the night before the big snowstorm hit the Midwest and the night before this head cold took me out for a few days.  It was after 2:00 a.m. The house was quiet, the Christmas tree still stood tall and magical in the living room, the pup was warming herself on the rug in front of the floor vent in the kitchen.  My beloved was fast asleep in bed down the hall.  Here I was prowling about the house as usual in the wee hours of the morning.

Usually I head to the kitchen for a snack before my 3:00 a.m. bedtime and read the Bible verses for the previous day from the Android Bible App.  After that I’ll finish perusing any garden catalogs that have come in the mail, clean up the kitchen and head to bed.  But something gave me pause.  I believe it was the leading of the Holy Spirit beckoning me to come dwell before the throne of grace before retiring for the night.   And so I did.

I sat in my favorite little chair in the living room and looked out over our home.  Gratitude overwhelmed me as I realized all of the blessings laid out before me.  The Lord had restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) and provided nice furnishings, my husband’s shiny kayaking trophies, beautiful hardwood flooring and more for our lovely home.  Laughter and activity filled these spaces just 6 days before as all of my husband’s children visited with their loved ones in person or via Skype.  I was blessed to be able to serve them with treats and home cooked meals before turning in early to rest and recover for the night (sight unseen).  All they saw was the good stuff and that is o.k.  Sitting before me were opened gifts still gathered under the tree:  sweet and thoughtful too.  My Lord has been so good to me!

Then I heard a whisper, a presence as if my Counselor, Friend were sitting there right with me in the twilight.  He reassured me that everything would be o.k.  He allowed me to fill my heart with memories and reminders of His goodness that would be needed in the difficult days ahead.  He made it clear that He would always be with me and have my best interests at heart.  My Jesus filled me with His love that night.  It was a sweet treat indeed.

Taking time to be alone with our Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Husband, our Immanuel makes the days, the nights more meaningful.  I know that when I stop for a moment of reflection, I can see His hand leading me, holding me, carrying me, protecting me.  I trust that you will see Him too as this Christmas season draws to a close.  His omnipresence reassures me that He will be there with you in your time of need just as He is here with me now and the other day.  If you don’t know God personally, I pray that you will spend some time with Him and His Word alone somewhere meaningful to you.  I tell ya, it’s a really cool thing to do!

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13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.   Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)

Pray without ceasing

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16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5

The pages of my journal are color coded for quick reference to the various noxious symptoms of this ongoing illness.  This system helps when making medical summary documents or answering questions during doctor appointments.  It looks like every line has either blue (for headache), green (pain), orange (seizure attacks), purple (nightmares or waking terrors), or red (flu-like sickness) today.  Whew!  I had planned to write the hairy details directly from my journal for my blog entry today but I think that just mentioning the rainbow of wacky stuff going on is good enough.  But don’t worry.  I am more stable now.  I slept until 5:00 p.m. today with about 1 1/2 hours awake this morning for breakfast and journaling.  This is crazy stuff man.

And yet every speck of color and it’s accompanying saga are part of the Lord’s perfect plan for my life.  I am sad that Steve has to endure this too.  Yet as a believer, to have a wife with a serious illness is part of the Lord’s Divine plan for his life as well.  How this works is such a mystery!  So for me, if I am to live as Christ then I must take His Words into my heart and allow them to breathe life into my achy body each day.  I must pray without ceasing, give thanks for all the goodness that continues all around me, and know that He can use everything for His glory.  This is a mighty responsibility.  Hope I get it right!

Will this time of illness refine me in some way?  Perhaps.  I know that in another time of my life, repeated trials softened the harsh edges of my personality.  I learned that I have a Heavenly Husband and grew in fellowship with Him.  (Oh how I wish every married woman would know the joy of having a perfect partner in life as manifest in the Lord so she could cut her earthly husband some slack a little more often!)  I also witnessed the amazing provision of my King in what appeared to me as “upside down and backwards” most of the time.  In the end, the pieces of my frazzled life came together perfectly.  I even met my knight in shining aluminum (aka the 24-foot box truck that Steve rented to move me from Illinois to Indiana!) who has shown me love like no other person on this earth.  The Lord restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) so to speak, and I was set to live happily ever after . . .

When there’s a major turn of events in the life of a believer, chances are there’s also a major opportunity to receive something wonderful that could not come any other way.  Who changes his or her personality just because it’s Saturday?  No, it usually takes a major train wreck or two for that to happen!  Because the Lord has shown me His faithfulness, His heart, and blessings even in heartache, I will continue to choose to lean on Him, wait on Him for all things.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the thing which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These colorful experiences of mine, good and bad are temporary.  Thank goodness!  Allow me to share with you one more passage that brings this hope home in my heart:

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth.  You hall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side.  Also with the lute I will praise You — and your faithfulness, O my God!  Psalm 71

We have a Heavenly Father who promises to be with us though all of the trials of our lives and redeem them for eternal glory.  Come to His throne of grace with me Gentle Reader and bring before Him all your weariness, hurts and pain.  He sees them and carries them with us.  And one day they will be washed away when either He comes again for His own or we join Him when our time here is through.

Matisse Tree of Life
Matisse Tree of Life

If you do not know Him as Lord and Savior of your life, well, you are missing out on perfect peace and so much more.  I pray that you will consider following Jesus as Lord and Savior of your life.  If you make that decision today, please contact me and tell me all about it.  If you rededicate your love for Him, please tell me that too.  After all, to reach others for Christ is the main reason why this blog is here.  My time of illness and connecting with you today are part of His perfect plan for my life.  They just represent more pretty colors for the threads in the tapestry of my life you might say . . .

Between a rock and a hard place

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headache back pain comicSometimes you have to make a choice.  You are at a dead end or maybe lost.  Perhaps what worked in the past will no longer suffice.  Or perhaps you are facing the most difficult reason:  an external force requires you to act immediately.  Regardless, the process goes more gently when covered in prayer to the One who sees you and your situation, cares for you, knows your heart and heartache, and has a plan an purpose for your life.  That plan and purpose includes the crossroads in which you find yourself.  Stepping forward into the arms of the loving and perfect Father through a relationship with His son, Jesus Christ, will carry you through the decision every time.  He already knows, sees . . .

Gratefully I don’t have to stress very long these days before I’m at the throne of grace with my alms of concern.  I understand that it blesses the Lord to come before Him with all things big and small; such a mystery of His amazing grace.  This week had them both for me.

Big decision:  sell the Beam Ray/Rife machine in which Steve and I invested so much hope and resources just 1-1/2 years ago.  It’s not working for me and I cannot tolerate most of the frequencies anymore.  Time to let it go and move on.

Small decision:  relinquish my cheaper cell phone with a slider keyboard for a smartphone.  We will benefit from having it on the road when travelling and it will expand my online business possibilities.  Time to let go and move forward.

Big decision:  place active Lyme and mold treatments on hold to eradicate a serious systemic yeast infection.  This requires risking more noxious events to kill the fungus that is hurting me and may even be contributing to the seizure attacks, etc.  I seek wisdom in the timing of all of this with the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  Alas, it is time to let go of the time table and move ahead carefully.

Small decision:  discontinue the IV magnesium treatments at number 28 because the symptomatic “cost-benefit analysis” don’t compute anymore.  Sometimes you simply have to choose.

Medium decision:  sold my (beginning) surf ski kayak called a Stellar SR.  This one brought tears.  This illness has challenged my fitness and balance skills making the mastery of paddling this specialty kayak quite difficult.  Steve just sold a kayak as well so we likely will invest in a solo outrigger canoe and share it.  These are awesomely cool, fast paddling boats that just might work with either kayak or canoe paddles.  Yeah but I let go of the SR before ever mastering it.  I got sick after paddling it October 11, 2011:  my third time on the water with it.  Seeing it go on a rainy afternoon was a gray reminder of the past 2 years of illness and brought up feelings of failure.  Sish, maybe this was a bigger decision than I thought.  The tears are making it hard to see the computer screen right now . . .

I think tomorrow will be a retreat day.  Steve and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary and perhaps something simple will be nice this time.  One of the best decisions of my life was to move out of State to marry Steve 6 years ago.  Ahhh my intended beloved.  How the Lord has blessed me with a man after His own heart as you!  However we choose to spend our time together, I am sure that it will be wonderful.

O.k. so I just went from tears to blushing.  Allow me to send you off with a prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing and hearing the hearts of Your children each day.  Help us to reach for the shadow of Your wings to carry us when we cannot stand, to shelter us when we must wait on your Divine hand in our lives, to lift us when it is time to step out in faith once again.  If it is Your will I ask for healing for me from this complicated mix of illness and for the Gentle Reader finding you this day whilst reading this blog.  Cover us with Your healing grace and merciful love.  Guide us in our decisions for your glory Lord.  And help us to keep our eyes fixed on You, waiting with great expectation for Your Providence to unfold.  I love you Lord.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

Me thinks the lady dost protest too much

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According to Wikipedia (and who can argue with the Big W?)  The quotation “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” comes from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, act III, scene II, where it is spoken by Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mother. In Shakespeare’s time, “protest” meant “vow” or “declare solemnly”.  It also means that she is promising too much.  Well I don’t know about the Queen but this lady is going to take it literally:  I think my posting about illness is getting to be too much!

So I must digress for a moment into another topic altogether.  You see, the failing of dealing with chronic illness (defined as that which lasts more than 6 months) is when the diagnosis becomes you.  When I start to use words like, “my Lyme disease” or “my mold illness” then I am beginning to affix a permanent label to myself:  a new identity as a sick person.  Sure, I am a person with a serious illness.  Yet if I am not careful, I will develop such a strong identification with the role of “sick person” that it will be difficult to embody or identify with other roles and activities in my life.  It could be difficult to identify with healing when it comes; that would be bad!  The tendency when wearing the “hat” of a disease too well is to talk about symptoms or treatment all of the time.  I could constantly be complaining about the daily headaches and pain, difficulty concentrating, or pre-tic phenomena, etc.  And if I do that, I simply won’t be much fun to be around.  I will find myself alone more of the time and I’m already alone a lot!

So I must make a conscious effort, beginning with those closest to me, to focus on him or her and other things no matter how benign the topic.  Gotta start somewhere!  I can always find something to say about our cute pupster, the mail that came that day, or something for which I am grateful.  I can always lavish in the goodness of the Lord, Jesus Christ and how he has given me a warm, pretty home in which to reside.  I can always be grateful for the healthy food that is available to me in our smallish town from both local farmers and chain grocery stores.  (For example, have you seen the great prices on organic, free range chicken thighs in the Family Pack at Wal-Mart?)  And when in doubt, I can even brag about making it to Level 102 in the Facebook game Pengle.  Hey, what else am I supposed to do when spacey at 2:00 a.m.?  The game is not that easy and it’s kinda fun too!

One of my favorite topics is my husband Steve.  He is an amazing man.  Steve begins his day with an extended time of prayer before taking care of our dog and getting ready for work.  I am often sleeping or returning to sleep as he is leaving for work; we chat by phone sometime later in the afternoon.  By that time he has designed a cool aspect of a weather satellite or test instrument in his role as a mechanical engineer for a world-wide firm.  At lunch he cycles.  Yeah that’s right.  Most of us take bike rides.  Not my Stevers.  He is a competitive athlete to the core even during his lunch “rides” where the guys crank out 20 or more miles, averaging 19 or so miles per hour most days of the week.  Then on Tuesday nights during the warmer weather and most weekends until the St. Joseph River freezes over, you’ll find my River Bear in his kayak-on-steroids.  Steve races in the United States Canoe Association circuit  (K-1 Unlimited class) here in northern Indiana and at Nationals every year.  His two little ditties are 21-foot carbon fiber surf skiis that weigh in at around 23 pounds each!  The Epic V12 looks like a Tomahawk missile on top of his stealth fighter Dodge Magnum low rider transport vehicle.  Then there’s the multitude of service activities to our church including worship, Bible study, and fellowship.  It’s amazing that there’s any energy left when the dude returns home.  Yes, there is energy left for me, with hugs and tenderness too.  Even at midnight when I’m not doing so well on a work night.

USCA Nationals 2013: Steve racing the Mohican
USCA Nationals 2013: Steve racing the Mohican

I love Steve with all my heart.  It’s a privilege to be his wife, a blessing from the Lord.  I have never felt so loved, so cherished, so respected, and held in so high of esteem by anyone at any other time in my life.  His sense of humor, common sense, and Godly wisdom enrich me immeasurably.  He is often my “Jesus with skin on.”  Thank you, Jesus for blessing me with an amazing man of God.

Ladies, amazing men do exist!  Can you see one important reason why I strive with what little strength I have these days to be the best woman I can be?  Sometimes all I can do is make my man his lunch . . . at 3:00 a.m. in the morning before I finally make it to bed.  So I make it the best lunch I can possibly muster with my Heavenly Husband holding me together until it’s completed.  Then the dog gets a scratch behind the ears and it’s time to collapse into whatever the darkness may bring.  At least I know as I close my eyes each night that this lady has “professed” her best culinary care and it is not “too much.”  I’m hoping it’s just right!

Oh my Heavenly Father, thank you for my beloved who cares for me and my heart in this life until we both can be in Your presence forevermore.  And if it is your will Lord, I ask to be able to be with Steve a little more as husband and wife, sharing the joys of life and being together.  Thank you for helping us to find some sweetness despite this season of illness in my life.  Thank you for Your provision and helping me, helping us to endure this difficult journey.  You have sustained us, carried us over and over again through much uncertainty, false hopes, unexpected setbacks, and complications.   While all this is true, You have also allowed others to see You here and there when we somehow got it right.  Oh Lord, I pray that we continue to be a worthy steward of all that You allow in our lives for Your glory alone.  Thank you for a better afternoon and evening today.  I love you too.  In Christ’s name, Amen.