Tag: Prayer

Full Moon Follies

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My beloved qualified as my “Night in Shining Armour” last night.  If only it were for a victorious time instead of quite the opposite . . .

One would hope that significant interventions to quiet my inner storm would start working already.  Or at least tame the tempest beast when challenges such as noxious exposures and the mysterious workings of a full  moon come along.  I have read a hundred or more testimonies of the latter:  that for persons battling chronic disease, symptoms can worsen around the time of a full moon.  Perhaps it coincides with the life cycle of various bacteria or parasites?  Who really knows?  What I do know is that the worst of everything came forth and both of us are pretty beat up today from the lack of sleep along with the emotional and physical trauma.

  • Continuous convulsive spikes of every dimension
  • Headache, joint and muscle pain, ringing in my ears, dysarthria, bradykinesia, left-sided parasthesia, hypersensitivity to sensory stimuli
  • Visual anomalies (spots of bright lights when my eyes were closed)
  • Cognitive slowing
  • Difficulty breathing and communicating
  • Incredible frustration and discouragement leading to hysterical crying and anguish
  • Neurological collapse requiring maximum assistance with feeding, toileting, and dressing
  • Eventually passing out in bed around 2:30 a.m., partially dressed with no recollection of falling asleep

The 100% THC-free CBD oil provided a temporary pause in seizure attacks as did a large dose of liposomal Biocidin.  The entire episode finally ended shortly after taking my (3rd) nightly dose of Low Dose Naltrexone.  I must add that the only positive part of this experience was when I could open my eyes and saw my hubby in his night clothes as he cared for me.  I liked that!

Please pray for us.  We are exhausted.  The demands of life go on just the same.  My MRI with NeuroQuant study our of State will be delayed due to severe weather expected tomorrow; I am hoping to reschedule the appointment for later in the week.  Let’s hope that the NeuroQuant and the updating of multiple medical tests this month will be fruitful, Lord willing.  My Jesus goes before us and sees us through it all.  I trust in His timing, His plan for our lives.  Thank you for praying.

And thank you Steve for your heroic love and care.  May the Lord carry you today.

We wait on the Lord this day and always as we try to figure this out!  This illness is killing us. JJ

Vampire Diaries 5

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The night cometh calmly then burst into flames

Carrying violence within my fame rather than that intended for rest

Sleep yet so elusive:  its nemesis pushes through the darkness

Leaving me quite empty, without a trace from where it came, no rhyme or reason to blame.

How can I go on?  Asks the Benadryl box to the other remedy he found;

When will she learn to give in or give up and let the beast win whether or not I am around?

The behemoth within begs as if breathing a hell all its own into my frame

Taunting perhaps by demons, images more frightening than a horror flick not ever seen.

“None of that matters oh sweet one writhing in My care

This season shall pass, I assure you, if you but hold on one more day

For all you have is this breath and this scene set before you but

Be wise tender child for your torment shall not go unrewarded in due time.”

“But when?  But why?  Have I not earned a better place in your heart?

Have I not earned the way home sans suffering?  Is it not yet enough?”

I have no answers for you just one request my chosen child full of grace:

That you trust me beyond anything you can imagine for infinity is where I am.

I love you most in the silence, the seizing of your heart really being remade anew,

The breaths that I hold rather than you, the nightmares that will become beautiful, I promise.

And then He spoke no more.  No more salve for my breaking outer shell

I was left more alone than one can ever feel:  seeing nothing ahead but His light up ahead.

Get up and start to move was all I could do with an emptiness burdening my mind

There would be no relief this night in the realm of the world around me, all that which is seen.

The relief came in my heart as I chose to yet still believe

That my Lord still loves me and always has no matter what it seems.

The refining fire has sent grief, with tears actually covering me from being consumed

So that one day I will know all the answers that I seek, when all is revealed.

Until then, Gentle Reader, these Vampire Diaries shall end

No need to rehash the trauma in a new form for don’t you “get it” by now

Or do you?  Do you see that suffering is not the place we should ultimately land

For it is in our hearts, in our spirits that we shall one day live in a world without end.

He hath prepared a place for us in which to dwell in exquisite grandeur

No weeping, no sorrow, no gnashing of teeth nor any trials will follow you:

The pain will be over.  He will lead me in goodness this way  I do believe too.

My God hath not forsaken me but saved me no less.

There will be hope beyond the cross as He hath said.

Know that He is with us always (now and forever) so carry on my dear friend

Wait just a little longer.  Can you do that for me as I will too til the end.

Oh how I love thinking of our jubilation together that glorious day coming soon He hath said!

With love, JJ

Ecclesiastes, 3:11, beautiful, in His time, waiting on the Lord, patience, waiting, burdens, trials, God, Lord, Jesus, trust, Christian, answers

 

Lift me up my Lord

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Psalm-23 4

Lift me up my Lord, my King!

Don’t leave me here alone forgone

I am dying inside as one they have abandoned

Despite my attempts to serve, to obey, decaying inside all the while.

There is no reserve

To bring to life anymore

The light left me long ago when wretched darkness

Became the friend I never wanted and never invited to stay.

The desperation drips with tears

The emptiness has no where left for an infill

The days blur meaninglessly from one to the next

The prayers still go unanswered by the God who has always known best.

Grant me some goodness

Oh Lord of my heart, my King

I’m drowning here with no-nowhere left

To Google, to turn, to ask, to keep me going ’til the day You will speak.

Have I not done the things that are set

The ones I thought you showed me to do?

Yet the suffering ramps louder than my screams with each seize

Take me from this hell please oh Master of my heart.  Isn’t it my time?

waiting, wanting, scripture, Bible, patience, trust, suffering, His will

Humbly, I will wait.  JJ

Vampire Diaries 1

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The slew runneth through my veins

Three times per week, no less

Mixed with this concoction, drug, or natural element

Sigh . . . I hardly get a break ya know.

Mr. Herx visits more often now

Not a friend nor enemy per se

He just stays and goes to torment at will

Hi torn and tattered calling card left with me.

The blood letting continues in test tubes of hope

For finding the answer, the cause:

Is it toxo, tuli, or tricho in cahoots with Lyme

Or a known co-conspirator that eludes capture?

Maybe in another lifetime or appointment next month

Will I find more to Google in this Hide-n-Go-Seek

Followed by a witches brew so dastardly I seize

Within seconds of pounding it down in faith perhaps displaced.

Aye, is not therein the rub or the salve to quiet my soul?

My Lord sees it all and stands nearby knowing the time,

The place, the reason, the meaning, the end

And will show me what I need to know and when

It says so in His Word:  better written than a vampire diary ever could.

So reject that a proclaimed healer bearing a wooden cross

Will know more than the Spirit of assurance in which I rest

Who will answer these questions, not you nor I.

My vessel may not go on or somehow come into its needed repair

But my being shall live on as it should in Christ

With a testimony, Lord willing, to bring glory to Him Who made it so.

Yes, therein I shall rest.  He holds my tears filling the river of life

And turns beauty from ashes in the dawn of the coming day

For “hope beyond’ as this blog will continue to attest.  Come along with me Gentle Reader.

The day of His return and our restoration is coming soon.  There is hope!  JJ

 

Psalm 41.3

I learned it from Charlotte

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She was wearing an oxygen cannula 24/7 and needed to take a break to rest after walking from one end of her house to the other.  Having battled breast cancer years ago, she had come into the late stages of another bout of cancer that would take her life a year later.  She was no longer able to leave her home except for medical appointments and did so with a supremely taxing effort.  Too weak to perform all but the most basic of daily living chores, she still had an amazing ministry that reached across the country . . .

Grief Share, friendship, mentoring, older women, younger woman, grief, loss, grieving, fellowship, Charlotte
From left: Julie, Miriam, Charlotte, Mary, and LuAnn from a Grief Share Ministry in 2007

Charlotte prayed for persons that she had found in an online “care” ministry.  These patients had opened up a personal webpage usually when in the hospital to facilitate communicating updates on their medical status to loved ones.  Charlotte searched the database for individuals that spoke to her heart then enlisted prayer warriors she knew via email and social media to pray for them too.  I was in awe of her outreach!  Exhausted from chemotherapy, radiation, or just taking a breath was no deterrent for a woman with a heart bigger than anyone’s I had known.  “I have the time,” is all she would say about it.  And time was her greatest gift as she spent it in the service of others, lifting them before our heavenly Father’s throne of grace.

So when I have been bedridden over the past few years, I have taken on my own version of Charlotte’s prayer ministry.  I pray for everyone I can think of until I can get out of bed again.  I was often amazed that once I got started, the Lord would bring so many names and faces to mind:  persons I had met online, an individual named through a prayer chain, or maybe someone I saw in public when able to leave our own home to go to medical appointments.  “I had the time,” so humbly to pray would be the best use of it.  It has been amazing to me when these instances occur . . .

Today a bunch of folks came to mind during 2 hours of continuous seizure attacks after injections of antibiotics at my doctor’s office did not go so well.  I lain on a hard treatment table in the dark to shield my eyes from the bright lights, hoping that the hell would not go on as long as it had during treatments earlier in the week.  My neck throbbed from the violent shaking, thrashing, odd posturing, wailing, repetitive pulling forward of my flexed torso, and general torture of it all.  (Unfortunately the facet block injection in my neck 3 weeks ago had already worn off!)  Sure, the nurses checked on me every so often; they had seen these episodes many, many times before and knew the score.  There was an agreement however, that if the convulsions persisted they would call an ambulance to take me to the emergency room of the hospital adjacent to their office building.  I doubted if that would do any good.  Would she be making the call the next time she came in the room?  The next time after that?  The total duration had already exceeded 90 minutes which was well beyond our agreed upon period.  “Is there anything I can do for you?” she would ask in plain English.  Sigh.  Not really.

Then she came back again and I squeaked out to yes, please ask the doctor if he could do a chiropractic adjustment on my neck.  It might help stop the wretchedness as it had in another appointment in the past.  Finally another nurse came back with the good news:  the Doctor would see me!  I began to cry . . .  then praise the Lord . . . then pray some more.  Soon my time thrashing about whilst laying flat on my back and mighty sore gluteus media from 6 injections this past week would be over.  I had so much to do later this evening before a surgical procedure tomorrow.  I had better get my time with the Lord in now not knowing how the rest of the day would fare.

Things got better after more gut-wrenching yelps, yells, screams, bursts of hot tears, yada, yada with the chiropractic adjustments and I was finally able to leave the building under my own power about 20 minutes later.  Whoa!  Shell-shocked I had made my way to the bathroom, put on my coat, and gathered my things to leave as if moving slow-motion in a black and white flick from the 1950’s.  But the evening was just getting started so miraculously the pace revved up a bit from there.

Within the hour I would be tossing all precaution to the wind and digging in the garden with our pup chewing a bone nearby!  Whaaat?  Hey, I figured that I’d get the borders of 2 flower beds tidied up knowing that I would likely be on a lifting restriction after placement of a power port in my chest wall early the next morning.  SO I DUG, DUG, DUG LIKE THERE WAS A TREASURE OF GOLD HIDDEN IN THERE SOMEWHERE!!!  Even the darkness and the drizzling rain did not stop me from doing what I love, doing the most that I could possibly do in some sort of a cathartic shedding of my personal hell on the way to and earthly Garden of Eden.  Well, sort of!

Maybe Charlotte would smile at how things turned out for me this evening.  It’s been about 7 years since her passing.  She had an impact on my life for sure.  If she were still around I would give her a call and listen some more to her wisdom that helped transform my life at another tumultuous time.  Well I guess that is happening again dear friend.

Thank you Jesus for Charlotte’s legacy.  Perhaps someday together we will tend to the sumptuous riches in the gardens of our Savior’s wondrous dwellings that You have prepared for us to bask in Your glory one day and forever.

There is so much to look forward to Gentle Reader.  I hope to see you there too.  :JJ