marriage – Page 4 – Jesus is for the Wounded

A Matter of Perspective

Published on March 26, 2018 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

humor, bathing suit, top, insert, perspective

Alone on the beach I lain

Broken-hearted and abandoned,

Missing my other half

A bit humbled in the warm sun.

She left me here all alone

Doesn’t she miss me or know I’m gone?

Maybe she broke free from the tyranny

Who needs a padded insert to swim in the surf anyways?

I suppose you all figured out the item in the picture by now? I found it to be hilarious finding it on the sand of the beach at Port Canaveral, Florida earlier this month! My beloved and I were there to witness a rocket launch a mile away to the south along Playalinda Beach. It was surreal. I wonder if the gal missing part of her bathing suit top felt the same way? 🙂

That day was a bit of an oasis in the middle of a medical trip that continues to change my life for the better. I was exceedingly exhausted just 1 week after treatment began and felt out of place sitting on a sandy beach with large, acrylic dental appliances in my mouth. I was unable to eat without changing out appliances (which meant rinsing them in a Ziploc plastic bag with paper towels to soak up the mouthwash) and was nearly nauseous with a lot of head-jaw-neck pain from the aggressive dynamics achieved by the splints. On the other hand, Steve was geared up to hit the waves in our outrigger canoe! We both slathered on the sunscreen and lugged our stuff up a long flight of wooden steps, over the berm, and down onto the beach. With a big umbrella in-hand, I was going to make the best of things that 86-degree day . . .

And so we did. I sat in front of the most majestic view you would never find in our home State of Indiana (note new cover photo above!) munching on my lunch, brushing dental appliances, and taking pictures of the coolest dude on the shoreline. A few hours later I witnessed the magical sight of a rocket being launched into space: a satellite developed by the same company that Steve works for in Indiana. Steve had gotten an inside scoop from co-workers at the Melbourne headquarters of how to get the best view. (Incredibly Harris allowed him to work there remotely between my medical visits and before we would return home.) The launch was spectacular!

Harris, rocket launch, Cape Canaveral, March, 2018, sky, trails, space

I have come to believe that the Lord cares for everything in our lives from the mundane to the big, spectacular moments in time. He attends to every detail, crafts them for our best good. I am thinking that many of the rewards in life generally come in some way or another when I am able to move off my limited view and trust that my Lord, Jesus Christ has a bigger plan. It just might be a good one. My change in perspective will help to find it. The fact that so many years have held me captive with much agony in the past is really no predictor of what the future holds. I simply do not know.

This leap of faith to pursue a new treatment approach 1,000 miles from home is changing my life day by day. The minor setbacks are easier to take than in the past and don’t last very long, gratefully. My perspective on most things in life, my expectations, my faith, and so much more have changed accordingly. One of the sweetest rewards is sharing this newness of life with my hero, my Stevers. I love him so! And I am so proud of him, grateful for him, and in awe of his strength, faith, and love during our eleven years together. The anniversary of our first date is coming up soon! Oh I could go on . . .

How about if I just end with another awesome sight from the beach that day. Isn’t he just the coolest dude ya ever did see? I love you Stevers! :JJ

outrigger canoe, beach, surf, OC-1, carry, carbon fiber, racing, Mocke, life vest, life jacket, — My River Bear carrying our OC-1 out from the surf as the tide rolls in onto Playalinda Beach, north of Cape Canaveral, March 1, 2018

Anticipation

Published on February 7, 2018February 7, 2018 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

The plans are set, the slow ramp up has begun

The research behind me the appeal for support made clear

Now to endure the daily wrath before newness may settle in.

Another new treatment, oh help me make it to then Lord!

So much at stake if we do not win

This horrific battle of which I have hated so very much.

One thing is clear: Who holds the future:

My Lord, my King in Whom I trust

Surely He grieves my suffering and waits with us.

My beloved is tired from the journey . . . so very loooong

Mere moments of goodness, many hours of strife

And yet he loves me just the same.

I am humbled.

Perhaps some goodness will come soon?

sunrise, path, beach, anticipation, waiting, tomorrow, sunset, summer

Being married to me

Published on August 8, 2017August 8, 2017 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Must be tough being married to me

A kiss can turn into a nightmare, intimacy much worse

When the beast of illness rears its ugly head

And convulsive episodes ensue and last and last . . .

You never really know when

Some sweetness will turn to black

Your affections will turn to caretaking

Yielding another failed remedy instead of a back rub . . .

No partner by your side

Others asking about the phantom wife

Does she really exist out there somewhere

Or is it just on paper and within her cage of the home?

She cooks alright and keeps the house afloat

But complains every time you call

Of this dire affliction or that when he’s at work

Helpless, other-directed, and burdened under the strain . . .

Months turned into years

As life tried to move on so we

Try to celebrate this or that, have a nice meal

Only to have her collapse at the kitchen table again . . .

He has gotten stronger

From carrying her burdened frame

To the toilet, the bed, the couch, off the floor

Rolling her over in bed, lifting her up to drink . . .

He has had to adjust to this abnormalcy of life

Never mentioning it unless another asks

For the pain of the story isn’t worth the awkward moment

A thousand times told, untold a bit later . . .

Tis the Lord’s will

The believer in Christ must contend

Yet are we not commanded to fight

For good, for answers, for more faith when tears flow?

Altogether lovely

He remains strong

Goes to work and play

To cope with the madness . . .

She waits at home

What choice does she have?

Her calling different from his

Or is it when bound by love?

There is no right way

To navigate a life gone off the rails

Except to breathe daily in prayer

When being married to me. JJ

Taking Turns

Published on July 18, 2017July 18, 2017 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

He needs me not but benefits just the same

And I am there to fill his tummy, help out at river races.

Then the nights return with my special kind of hell

And he brings me this or that to get the ravages of illness to stop.

Both are love in their simplest forms:

Meant to serve, to go beyond what is comfortable to desires of the heart.

Oh that my end could be gentler, the wretchedness, the pain

Making the care less traumatic between seemingly timed screams for hours on end.

But that is not our story at least for this season of life

(We define our bond in sickness and in health)

In moments at edges of the extreme . . . for over five years now.

We are weary from the journey with bodies broken with fatigue

Where only the Holy Spirit can infuse us with grace to carry us through the nights and days.

So when those pundits talk formulas of 50-50 or equations of sort

Plunge them into our caldron and see how the overflow of energies exceeds the common core.

Marriage is simply the art of taking turns without keeping score

The Heavenly Father sees the man, the woman and makes you what you are:

Instruments of His hands, ministers of His peace

Care that makes love come alive, pictures of His glory.

One day we will know why

kayak, canoe, racing, paddling, awards, ceremony, St. Joe River, Fort Wayne, competition, C2, Stellar, Steve Horney — Steve on the right, congratulating C2 Aluminum Canoe paddlers George and Tilman during awards the Three Rivers Fest 7.15.17

this all came about

In the meantime I will take my turn when it comes

And serve my beloved for a purpose beyond . . .

Winning through losing

Published on May 28, 2017May 28, 2017 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Winning through losing is the title of an article by Pastor Sandy Adams in the Summer 2017 issue of Calvary Chapel Magazine that touched my heart and lightened my burden this day. Pastor Adams told the story of the Apostle Paul of the Bible who, after coming to faith in Christ, never had a “thorn in his flesh” removed despite praying three times. He describes it as follows with a passage from 2nd Corinthians, Chapter 12:

Paul learned to view his thorn as God’s gift. He rejoiced in the weakness it caused; for it became God’s opportunity to demonstrate His supernatural strength. Paul rejoices in verse 10, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. for when I am weak, then I am strong.” He took pleasure in circumstances where he was no longer in control. A weak Paul empowered by God’s grace was more effective than a strong Paul at peak performance. Paul was confident that God’s grace was sufficient. (p. 52)

Pastor Adams goes on to encourage us that the Lord’s greatest work is in our times of defeat: a work that He intends to do all along. “Rest in this: When we are at our weakest, God makes us strongest.” (p. 52)

It is my hope that my writings here will exemplify this teaching. I have struggled greatly these past few weeks with episodes of physical and spiritual darkness too ugly to describe publically. To think that I may never be free from daily convulsive episodes is a burden to great for me to bear in the midst of these setbacks. At the same time, I continue to have a sense that perhaps soon they will stop. Should I not hope that they stop? I think not. My calling is to remain faithful to the moments in which I find myself: doing that which the Lord wants me to do, discerning the leading of the Holy Spirit, dwelling in the presence of my King often. If that means being obedient to the Lord’s call to get off the couch to take a rescue remedy while my head is banging, my legs aren’t working right, and pressured vocalizations are emanating from deep within my loins then I will trust that my Heavenly Father will keep me safe while I do so. It’s amazing how supernatural power overcomes my own inability to move my body correctly. His power is real!

I recently completed a course of antibiotics to treat a gut infection that may have a connection to my brain symptoms. The medication hurt me with damaging side effects. After 10 days I called my Doctor and transitioned to the first of two herbal protocols that would follow next. Tomorrow morning I will start the second of these two plans including dosing at an elevated level of an antimicrobial that I have largely tolerated in the past. I am hopeful that recovery is possible with this new plan. After reading Pastor Adam’s article today I will remain mindful that there is purpose and power in every moment of this journey no matter the outcome will be. The power of Christ has indeed rested upon me in my weakest, most breathless states. I have trusted Him completely albeit not perfectly. He has ordained these days for me revealed in other levels of healing that I cannot disclose right now: the longest held desires of my heart have been addressed, have been comforted. Through seizures!

In time, the Apostle Paul saw his thorns as a gift. “Imagine, a thorn gift” suggests Pastor Adams. “When Paul accepted his thorn as a gift, God gave him strength.” As I have come to my own level of peace with this serious illness, I have received many gifts as well. Another great blessing has come from my beloved husband, Steve’s, unfailing love, presence in the darkest of times, prayers, and gifts of the spirit. He is often my Jesus with skin-on, so to speak. This morning he anointed me with oil as he prayed for me in the aftermath of incredible difficulties. Oh Lord, please bless this man, this instrument of your peace! Help me to love and serve him as you would have me do so with your strength, with words from You to encourage his heart.

You know I never really thrived when posed with a competitive situation at home, with my peers, at work, at school, or in most places in life even though I know that it is o.k. to strive for excellence in all of these settings. I usually fell short before reaching the prize. Perhaps my focus was on the wrong place? Winning through losing brings us to the eternal finish line, the one that matters most, in second place behind the Lord, Jesus Christ who will share in the victory that He hath created all along the proverbial races of life. These are the ones that truly matter. The ones where we let Him carry us or infuse us with His grace, His power as we cross over into eternal glory.

Now that’s a medal I do want to take “home.” Lord, in your mercy, help me to finish well! JJ