Lyme – Page 16 – Jesus is for the Wounded

The How Long Song

Published on May 20, 2014May 21, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

¹¹With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. ¹²We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 2Thessalonians

You just never know who might be praying for you at this very moment. If you have let your needs be known to anyone who is faithful to pray on occasion, it is very likely that at some point in time you are being lifted up before the God of the universe for His gracious care. We might never know when that moment occurred or what was said. We might feel a lightness in our human spirit or we just many never feel much of anything except our suffering. But we can know this for certain: that the God of the universe, the one Who made you and me, was listening at that moment. His heart moved with compassion as your name came before His throne of grace that day. And His thoughts towards you then and now outnumber the grains of sand on the earth (Psalm 139:18). He loves you and me so much more than we can ever, ever imagine . . .

Our Heavenly Father has His hand on us. His hand both reaches out to us and carries us through the mire in our lives. We know that all things work together for good for His own, even the suffering. Sometimes we get to see this in our lifetimes and sometimes we do not. Our awareness doesn’t change the truth of the matter. He is in charge and will use our suffering for His glory: a greater purpose than our own lives (Romans 8:28). Wow. We may be relieved, blessed, redeemed, or justified too as he pours out His goodness. We must hang in there for we cannot know what the next moment or next day may bring. Even when the troubles continue on and on, in the words of Job to the Lord,

²“I know that you can do all things;
    no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
³You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
    Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
    things too wonderful for me to know.

⁴“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.’
⁵My ears had heard of you
    but now my eyes have seen you.
⁶Therefore I despise myself
    and repent in dust and ashes.”

This is such an incredible witness of humility coming from a man covered in oozing boils, having lost all of his earthly possessions and children as well. I cannot imagine such suffering even on my worst days. Despite the episodes of wretchedness that continue to plague most of my mornings, afternoons, and evenings I will remain faithful to my call to love Jesus and trust in His plan for my life. Otherwise this journey of mine could be deemed meaningless. Suffering for nothing is the alternative. Holy cow, that would never get me out of bed in the morning! A searing post-seizure neck headache and global pain puts the creamy taste of even the best bulletproof coffee down the drain every time. NO WAY! Only the promises and reassurance of my Lord and Savior are enough at these times.

The only way for me to endure the stress of my life at the moment is to let Jesus take the wheel. Sometimes I just sit and stare for many minutes at a time. Sometimes I am not “productive” in a day until what others would call dinnertime. And sometimes I get a few things done then go back to bed for a long time. Graciously there are a few other times of late when I can get up earlier while it is still morning and remain out of bed for the rest of the day. Hey, I might be getting better after all! I used to go to bed between 3 and 5 in the morning! That pattern is generally broken and for that I am grateful. Like my Grandma used to say, I’m getting there, “slow but sure.”

The How Long Song must leave my vocabulary. Like the Ann Lander’s article quoting Robert Hasting’s article called The Station, we will “get there” when it is time. Life is about the journey dontcha know? Further, we will “get there” when the Lord wills it. My job is to endure well, the journey I am called to take, seeking His will and keeping an eye out for His fingerprints along the way. Let me not miss any measure of His sweetness in the sound of a calling bird or the bloom of a wildflower in unexpected places. He will never lead me astray (Hebrews 13:5) and never require more of me than I can handle (1 Cor 10:12) with His grace. He is with me now and until the end of the ages (Matthew 28:20), the end of my life. That is reassuring indeed.

I’ll close with an unexpected blessing that has come right in the thick of all things stressful over here. Twenty minutes of bliss. Cool beans, eh?

Julie and Kinsey cruising along in the tandem outrigger canoe!

Psalm 71

Published on February 18, 2014February 18, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

Psalm 71

¹In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;     let me never be put to shame. ²In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;     turn your ear to me and save me. ³Be my rock of refuge,     to which I can always go; give the command to save me,     for you are my rock and my fortress. ⁴Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,     from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

⁵For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,     my confidence since my youth. ⁶From birth I have relied on you;     you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.     I will ever praise you. ⁷I have become a sign to many;     you are my strong refuge. ⁸My mouth is filled with your praise,     declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹Do not cast me away when I am old;     do not forsake me when my strength is gone. ¹⁰For my enemies speak against me;     those who wait to kill me conspire together. ¹¹They say, “God has forsaken him;     pursue him and seize him,     for no one will rescue him.” ¹²Do not be far from me, my God;     come quickly, God, to help me. ¹³May my accusers perish in shame;     may those who want to harm me     be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴As for me, I will always have hope;     I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,     of your saving acts all day long—     though I know not how to relate them all. ¹⁶I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;     I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. ¹⁷Since my youth, God, you have taught me,     and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. ¹⁸Even when I am old and gray,     do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation,     your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,     you who have done great things.     Who is like you, God? ²⁰Though you have made me see troubles,     many and bitter,     you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth     you will again bring me up. ²¹You will increase my honor     and comfort me once more.

²²I will praise you with the harp     for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre,     Holy One of Israel. ²³My lips will shout for joy     when I sing praise to you—     I whom you have delivered. ²⁴My tongue will tell of your righteous acts     all day long, for those who wanted to harm me     have been put to shame and confusion.

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Tonight as my body thrashed about I cried out to the Lord, asking “don’t you see me?”

Tonight I cried out for the Lord to take me, as in take me home. He did not answer.

Tonight I cried out asking Him not to leave me here this way. He did not answer.

The after burn of the seizure attacks, flu-spikes, chest compression symptoms making breathing labored, increased pain, and massive neck headache was unbearable once again this evening. Things are getting worse. This was my third episode today with over two dozen individual incidences!

My precious husband got out of bed after 1:00 a.m. to get me something to eat in an effort to end the tic attacks that would not stop after the seizures.

It is now over an hour later and I am stable. I am beat up. I am still here!

I will remind myself to have hope, to cultivate hope that comes through faith in Jesus Christ. Sometimes He speaks and sometimes He is silent. And for those who believe in Him, He is always present.

Psalm 71 puts it all together for me right now, so this is how I will pray as I go forth from this night. And that’s about how far I have gotten. My tummy hurts. Time to go back to bed. I think I can sleep now.

From one extreme to the other

Published on November 5, 2013November 5, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

So much of the self-help genre coaches the weary traveler in achieving a blissful and balanced lifestyle. When I was an occupational therapist working in psychiatric hospitals, I would often lead a patient group in a goal-setting exercise entitled, “Achieving a Balanced Lifestyle.” It was always my favorite therapeutic activity to do.

Each patient received a worksheet with the title at the top followed by two large circles, one at the top of the page and one at the bottom. Both circles were divided into the same 5 sections labeled: Physical, Emotional, Social, Intellectual, and Spiritual. The exercise began with the group members filling in each section of the top circle with activities that fulfilled that particular need. For example, Social might include visiting friends and Spiritual might include Bible study. Often patients struggling with mood disorders had very little in the emotional and social areas. Persons with depression had very little on the page at all.

The lower circle was for goal-setting. My hope was to help the individual begin to see beyond the crisis that led them to the hospital and think about what he or she might do during the day to use time effectively as a coping strategy. I only asked for one activity in each of the sections. Of course we had already brainstormed a list of activities as a group and these were written on a large white board at the front of the room. Eventually each person had a plan and something to share with the rest of the group. Since so many things are discussed in a person’s life during a short hospital stay, I asked each person at the end of the session to name just one activity as a starting point. Virtually everyone was able to identify something, a place to begin.

Geez, if I were to complete my own plan for achieving a balanced lifestyle, I wonder where I would begin? Let’s see, I’d have one worksheet for a sick morning and one for a stable afternoon. Then there would be another for when I’m most likely to be functional in the middle of the night and another during IV magnesium treatments at the hospital three times per week. I might be tempted to tear the page in half and add various goal-setting scenarios based upon my feelings at any given moment. IN OTHER WORDS, setting goals sometimes just doesn’t work! My best intentions are often met with a 180 degree turn of events. This requires me to live in the moment on a moment-by-moment basis!

Last night was a crazy example of this. At 9:00 p.m. I was with my husband sitting around a campfire outside at our friend’s house roasting hotdogs over the fire. Within the hour we all were wielding shovels and pitch forks emptying the bed of my back truck of yard waste into a ditch on his property. But within another hour I was writhing on a bed seizing with convulsions, unable to speak or move very much at all! The next hour was filled with my husband providing virtually all of the physical care needed to transport me to the bathroom, wash away the sooty residue from my hair and tender frame, and bring nourishment for me to eat huddled under the covers in bed. Sigh. So what was my goal by the end of the night? Get up to use the toilet with my own strength. Check. Goal achieved for the Physical section of my paper-and-pencil exercise in my mind.

Almost every day is like this. Yes, I’ve had 3 days with no seizure episodes in the past 3 weeks and there are about a half a dozen fewer episodes per week overall. I guess if I could stay in my safe home bubble, I might be able to knock down a few more. Yet after 2 years of illness I tend to forget and “go for it” when I feel stable, trying to get out of the house to do something meaningful not realizing that the setback pushes me back to “Ground Zero” of the recovery process. The goal is to not react at all. Each reaction re-sets my immune system at some arbitrary level, sensitizing me to be more vulnerable to the next exposure. I may be able to anticipate that exposure and I may not. Sometimes the cause is hidden. When our friend placed a log covered with some type of blue fungus on the fire, I had a feeling something bad could happen at some point . . . but we were having fun . . .

Such is life in the world of Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome when you have a genetic disposition that is vulnerable to mold illness. I have no idea anymore where the Lyme disease fits into the matrix of illness. Right now the focus is on the mold illness. And today the focus was on recovery. Then this evening I got a do-it-sick burst of energy and spent 3 hours washing the composted dirt out of my truck! Later I made dinner, kale chips (yes & they are pretty weird actually), and a lamb/turkey meatloaf for tomorrow. I’m sitting here sore, pleasantly fatigued, and sensing a pre-tic syndrome rising up from within. And so it goes from one extreme to another once again.

Perhaps a better exercise than filling out a worksheet would be to meditate on some Words of wisdom:

⁵Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; ⁶in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 5)

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. (Proverbs 19:21)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

So I end with my charge in all of this: Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. (Philippians 1:27) Whether it’s with tears hidden in the soapy shampoo water or standing outside in the dark soaked with silt-laden overspray from the tailgate of a truck, I will lean into my Jesus for the strength to carryon. This kind of power is supernatural. There is no way I could endure all of this and persevere on my own; I am too broken.

I wonder if you have been there too, Gentle Reader? Have you been in a place where you must do something but you cannot do anything? This is the very place to come before the throne of grace and meet Jesus, face-to-face. His infinite love will transform the moment beyond what we could ever imagine, ever wish for, ever plan for. We only have the moment in which we are breathing anyways. When your time comes as I have described mine here, I do pray that you will reach for the One who understands and can make a difference now and forever in the course of your life. His loving presence will transcend the circumstances and lead you forth, with purpose and meaning.

He did it for me. He does it for me every day. Perhaps He has carried you before you even realized Who or What was guiding you? He is here for both of us, transcending the extremes of our times. I can think of no better way to achieve peace. Can you?

Spring and Fall

Published on October 31, 2013October 31, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

My body will tell you tonight: it’s quite an accomplishment to finish our Spring and Fall yard clean up projects all within 24 hours! Whaaat? Such is life these days. All completed just in time for the long soaking rain storm outside my window as Winter approaches . . . the maiden tulip bulbs are going to be real happy in their new home!

I am exceedingly grateful to be functioning somewhat better despite the ongoing noxious episodes that occur most days. Then there were two noxious-free “holidays” within the past four days. THIS IS HUGE GUYS AND GALS! I haven’t had more than a one-day break per week since living in the hotel at the beginning of the year when we were remediating our home for mold. Looks like the IV magnesium treatments (counted #20 today) and sugar/sweetener-free cholestyramine are beginning to work a wonder inside of me. I am grateful and humbled.

Despite all of this good news for some reason I needed to cry a bit today. This year has been especially traumatic. When I’m in one of those hour-long to several-hour-long episodes my ability to think and reflect is gone. My mind is blank. No processing occurs of what is happening to me. I have heard patients with dementia describe his or her mind this way. There just aren’t any thoughts. Gratefully I do not have dementia. I often wonder, however, if there will be synaptic damage from the almost 2 years of seizure attacks. Then again, maybe the neurons just needed a little Spring cleaning, resetting, and the like. Anyways, I believe that to grieve the loss of my health is, well, healthy. Perhaps it will pave a comprehensive path to healing?

The end of Psalm 139 reads:

²³Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I have heard an application of this passage that it can describe the need to reflect upon and grieve a past trauma as part of a God-honoring healing process. The Lord knows me and my circumstances in addition to the outcome. By opening my mind and heart to His merciful grace under the shadow of His wings, I will find rest. I have prayed many times to “get” the purpose of all of this suffering and wondered if I was “there yet.” I asked my husband Steve, my God-honoring spiritual leader, if he thought there was anything I was not seeing. Was there some sin or character flaw that required repentance? Steve was gracious when asked these questions. We both saw the little lessons and unexpected blessings that were the “silver lining” to this illness. We have not become embittered. We have drawn even closer together and to Christ. Whew. Thankfully.

Blogging started as online journaling and has become so much more. I do hope that my writing will be used for God’s glory and point people who are going through serious trials, to the person of Jesus Christ. To the Gentle Reader out there, you have also helped me find a plan and a purpose for this time in my life. The process has become as meaningful as the lessons learned. One lesson learned yesterday: don’t leave a wheelbarrow full of mulch out in the yard! Put it under the covered porch. Six times it got rained on and rained in. Geez that was one heavy wheelbarrow!

A little humor helps fer shur. And my Stevers is a great model of the value of silliness in the middle of the crap-o-la-ski. (You were missing my Polish, I know, so here ya go!) Thanks for hanging in there with me. Wish I could hug ya, eh? :J

It is here!

Published on October 27, 2013October 31, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

It is here! I am grateful to announce that my new eBook is now available! Simply use the coupon code UR45T for your free copy beginning November 1st at: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/371334

The first year enduring and battling a serious illness can test everything we thought we knew about coping with the trials of life. In this ebook, I invite you to share the more meaningful moments of my journey as I seek to draw strength from outside of myself to endure the trials of my particular story. My hope is that you, too, will find strength and hope that transcends your day-to-day experience. I also hope that you will consider the hope found in God though a personal relationship with His Son. His presence in One’s life makes a difference in where a person lands when this particular journey of life is over. Will we have peace or will we have despair?

With a sincere heart, it is my privilege to share my journey with you. Let not these trials of ours be wasted, eh? Gentle Reader, are you ready for enduring hope beyond what we can see? If your answer is, “Yes!” then I invite you to read, Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. With extra bonus pages and the most meaningful and encouraging vignettes updated from this blog, may it uplift you, knowing that you are not alone, not today, not ever. :J

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While I would never compare my experiences these past 2 years to the incredible suffering of the apostle Paul of the Bible, I draw encouragement from his words as noted below. My prayer on my most wretched of days was that there would be some greater purpose for this illness, that something meaningful would come from it. I hoped that my writing would not be a rant that went no where. I did not want to end each posting with more anger, hurt, sadness, or negativity than when I began either. My hope is that I would leave you with more good than not-so-good. To encourage others, well, that would be awesome as well as pose a tremendous responsibility to get it right as a matter of stewardship. The Lord gave me a voice and my hope was that I would use it to glorify Him most of all.

If you like what you see here, would you kindly share it with others? The free coupon special won’t last long! And thank you for being with me along this journey thus far. Shall we continue the adventure another year together? Oh I hope so! Take care Gentle Reader, Just Julie

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¹²Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. (Philippians)