Lord – Page 17 – Jesus is for the Wounded

I was talking to God the other day . . .

Published on January 7, 2014January 7, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

I was talking to God the other day, the night before the big snowstorm hit the Midwest and the night before this head cold took me out for a few days. It was after 2:00 a.m. The house was quiet, the Christmas tree still stood tall and magical in the living room, the pup was warming herself on the rug in front of the floor vent in the kitchen. My beloved was fast asleep in bed down the hall. Here I was prowling about the house as usual in the wee hours of the morning.

Usually I head to the kitchen for a snack before my 3:00 a.m. bedtime and read the Bible verses for the previous day from the Android Bible App. After that I’ll finish perusing any garden catalogs that have come in the mail, clean up the kitchen and head to bed. But something gave me pause. I believe it was the leading of the Holy Spirit beckoning me to come dwell before the throne of grace before retiring for the night. And so I did.

I sat in my favorite little chair in the living room and looked out over our home. Gratitude overwhelmed me as I realized all of the blessings laid out before me. The Lord had restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) and provided nice furnishings, my husband’s shiny kayaking trophies, beautiful hardwood flooring and more for our lovely home. Laughter and activity filled these spaces just 6 days before as all of my husband’s children visited with their loved ones in person or via Skype. I was blessed to be able to serve them with treats and home cooked meals before turning in early to rest and recover for the night (sight unseen). All they saw was the good stuff and that is o.k. Sitting before me were opened gifts still gathered under the tree: sweet and thoughtful too. My Lord has been so good to me!

Then I heard a whisper, a presence as if my Counselor, Friend were sitting there right with me in the twilight. He reassured me that everything would be o.k. He allowed me to fill my heart with memories and reminders of His goodness that would be needed in the difficult days ahead. He made it clear that He would always be with me and have my best interests at heart. My Jesus filled me with His love that night. It was a sweet treat indeed.

Taking time to be alone with our Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Husband, our Immanuel makes the days, the nights more meaningful. I know that when I stop for a moment of reflection, I can see His hand leading me, holding me, carrying me, protecting me. I trust that you will see Him too as this Christmas season draws to a close. His omnipresence reassures me that He will be there with you in your time of need just as He is here with me now and the other day. If you don’t know God personally, I pray that you will spend some time with Him and His Word alone somewhere meaningful to you. I tell ya, it’s a really cool thing to do!

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¹³You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)

Where have I gone?

Published on January 1, 2014January 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Sometimes I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I have used many words for myself such as Julie Anne, Recovering Type A, Recovering Catholic, Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Jul, Child of the King, Snookums, Just Julie, and Booberry. Many other labels inside my head will not make it to this blog as they are unkind and reflect the stinking thinking that was an outcome of my childhood. While I have come a long way there is still so much to do!

My biggest challenge these days is having some kind of identity when my world is smaller; there is less going on. I am sick a lot of the time. I am isolated most days. I go fewer places, see fewer people, engage in fewer activities, and generally do less than at any other time in my life for longer than any other time in my life. Whilst engaging in various activities a person engages in various roles that comprise one’s identity, for example: friend, church goer, Master Gardener, sister, sister in Christ, kayaker, exercise enthusiast, and so on. All of the roles that I have mentioned have severely diminished for me in the past 2 years because of a serious illness. I do not know when this will change. The tendency is to ask the question, “where have I gone?”

I really miss my life before illness. Sure it wasn’t perfect. I still had chronic pain, went to the doctor and had some type of treatment for pain a couple of times per month, and limited my work schedule to a maximum of 30 hours per week. But I was also the most physically fit I had been in my entire life, had the greatest financial freedom that I have ever had, enjoyed rewarding work as an occupational therapist with a flexible schedule, and went to lots of neat places with my amazing husband. My mind was sharp, my confidence was growing, and I felt really loved. Things are more mushy now. Most of the time I feel lost. I am not even convinced I have the correct diagnosis or treatment plan. So this translates into the reality that I don’t really know when I will be well again. This is tough stuff indeed.

And yet there are many new activities that have emerged these past two years. While I don’t work in all-things-gardening as much, I did become an Advanced Master Gardener AFTER I got sick. That was an amazing and humbling accomplishment! The Lord gave me the opportunity to explore blogging, learn more about social media, publish an eBook (Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year), learn to make macramé jewelry, and launch an online jewelry business (Trinity Jewelry by Design). I’ve made some amazing friends via a local Lyme Support Group in addition to some compassionate folks online. I have kept a journal for most of my life and now my blog has a growing list of really cool followers from around the world. Talk about humbling! Wow. If only you could see my heart right now, transforming from an identity crisis between the lines of this blog tonight to a woman with a vision. You do that for me, Gentle Reader, guided by the Holy Spirit. Thank you for listening as this gets worked out within me . . .

If we were to examine the experiences of my life, we would probably agree that I have had a life that has been harder than most. Over and over again I have had to find Little Julie then Jul and Just Julie amidst a firestorm of hurt, loss, and strife. I have come to understand that the Lord has had His guiding hand, loving arms, and protective wing around me all along where the good people and perks of life were missing. He has allowed the trials and tears to bring me closer to Himself, to help me to see beyond the circumstances around me. The Lord has shown me that the bad stuff was not wasted or intended to hurt me. The Lord wants me to be complete and allows all this to conform me into the image of Christ. I pray that I will not lose heart during the refiner’s fire. I pray that I will see His blessings soon as I have seen so many times in the past. I just gotta hang on a little longer, let Him carry me a little more.

Where have I gone? I am in another wilderness experience like Moses and the Israelites of the Old Testament who wandered in the hot, dry desert for decades wondering if they would ever be “there yet.” I must keep my eyes on Jesus: the light that leads and the cloud that blots out the forces of evil that taunt my doubts, fester my feelings of inadequacy. It just doesn’t matter anymore where I have gone. What matters now is where am I going?

Happy new year, Gentle Reader. Will you go with Him too in 2014?

The Moments that Define

Published on December 30, 2013January 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

When you get up and cook for guests before your treatment and post-treatment nap, you know who you are.

When a moment of intimacy is not as much about you but about pleasing the one you love, you have decided how you will be.

The clock means nothing late at night when it’s time to pour out your heart as it comes alive at last.

The Bible app becomes a good reason to keep one’s head buried in that 3 x 4 inch techno time-sapper again.

A can of chicken is your main entrée when the guests dine on carbs and foods that would make your head explode.

All you can do is all you can do then you clean up the kitchen and make your husband’s lunch anyways.

You know that nothing is possible in your own strength and that the Lord is carrying you, sustaining you once again.

Tis then you know the moments that define bring glory to the One who holds your dreams in His heart until you are united again.

Forbidden Fruit

Published on December 28, 2013December 28, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

It’s everywhere. I look in one area then into another and I cannot avoid seeing it. I go to the store and displays everywhere tempt my senses. I must be strong. I look forward as if I am wearing blinders (those “harness winkers” or leather patches that keep horses from looking to their peripheral vision) so I don’t stray from my mission. The forbidden fruit beckons. “No!” I will not cave.

It’s not that I can do this in my own strength, by the way. The cravings are too great. Every cell in my body has probably been affected at some level since I’m without the glucose and carbohydrates that provide energy to battle the infection raging therein. Oh you thought I was writing about something sinister, didn’t you? Nope. It’s an elusive fungus, partially protected in a mucous-y biofilm but not sinister per se. It is CANDIDA! And at level 3 of 4 levels, gut yeast is hurting me badly. The “forbidden fruit” includes actual fruit plus food containing any form of sugar plus any simple carbohydrate or starchy vegetable. This includes all grains, even the gluten-free kind. Now even several months into this this extreme diet I have yet to see the endpoint.

Now let’s add another layer: any food that is fermented, aged, seasoned with just about anything but salt, or at risk for trace amounts of mold! Evidently even walnuts and pecans can harbor mold in the folded areas of the nut itself. Leftovers in the frig for more than 24-hours can harbor mold. Black pepper can harbor mold. And the list goes on. Tonight I decided to sacrifice some more seasonings to try to prevent the side effects of consuming the wrong foodstuffs. The consequences have been severe: three and one-half hours of seizure attacks plus hours of recovery yesterday convinced me of the need for some more tweaking. I also stopped one of the medications that feels like it’s killing me. When a pathologist stated online that seizures change the matrix of the brain, well that woke me up again to the seriousness of this battle. Seizures can be a part of a level 3 Candida infection. Geez. And most people associate yeast with vaginitis. That was a cakewalk compared to where I am these days.

Yes, this is tough stuff. Yes, it takes total discipline, focus, endurance, and patience with the repeated setbacks. Chronic illness requires grace from one’s family, especially one’s spouse. I am grateful for a loving husband who relies more on the Lord for his happiness and peace than on me. He sees things from a hopeful place and speaks to the little improvements or the sweet moments between us no matter how small. His God-given strength is very humbling. The only way we are able to endure this is through the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit. We believe that this is the Lord’s plan for our lives and that He is here with us no matter what happens. And if it is His will, I will be well someday. I will be able to put to use that awesome carbon fiber canoe paddle Steve bought me for Christmas! Such a gift of confidence from my beloved. I love my man!

The forbidden fruit of today have become the hedges of protection I need to keep me from getting worse. Just like the corrective events of life (those we bring upon ourselves from our own mistakes and those the Lord allows for His Divine purposes), they are not to be hated, feared, avoided, or teased. We must face that which is forbidden and directly choose otherwise, place a barrier (physical or mental) in the way of temptation, and simply go forth on a different path that leads to victory. Nothing else will do if we want to win. I did not dink around with my diet at all during Christmas and I still was very sick. Imagine if I had “cheated” on my survival diet. I would have not been able to visit with family for three consecutive days, cook for several hours at a time, and enjoy a delightful time of fellowship. Sure I “crashed and burned” around 8:00 p.m. each night. The sacrifice was worth the reward that was available to me. The reward was greater this year than last year at Christmastime. That’s cool.

From here the journey ahead is unclear. I will continue the treatment approaches I have described above yet do not know yet if any new medical approaches are warranted. I have an upcoming appointment with my Lyme and mold-literate medical doctor where we will review the difficulties I have had functioning these past two years. There’s another functional medicine clinic of interest that is 3-hours away . . . We sure will be praying for direction about all of this in the new year. Wherever the path leads I know the Lord is already there. I welcome His plan for my life that has created more joy than I ever could have imagined on my own. If that joy must come through serious illness then I would not want it any other way. Really. I’m just believing what He tells me, you know. Picture me and Steve in an outrigger canoe along a sandy beach somewhere warm . . . Yes, I can picture it . . .

It’s all I have left

Published on December 12, 2013December 12, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

I hit another wall today: one that reminded me of my inability to control or think my way out of pretty much anything. Have you been there?

Amassed in noxious symptoms after finally venturing out of the house on my own today, I had thought things were going pretty well earlier. I was becoming sicker so I came home to unpack my stuff from some errands and rest a while before making dinner. Losing the next 3 hours in bed after coming home was not what I expected. After all, I am getting better right? Well I’m not sure just yet.

Sometimes a person just has to stay focused on a moment as small as one breath in time. At least I could breathe this time when the “non-epileptic seizures” hit. Gratefully I had my phone with me and the app for Harvest Fellowship messages would fill my mind with the Word of God. When there was a break in the action I could get it going, listen, and maybe relax. The darkness of my spirit lifted somewhat as Pastor Paul Mowery began to speak. I missed my husband who was away at the midweek church service. To text him to please come home did cross my mind. But then I realized that the One I really needed was already here . . .

I cried out to the Lord and He met me there in that dark bedroom refuge. Our pastor’s words from the Book of John about abiding in the love of Jesus Christ filled me like a cup of warm cocoa running through my veins. Then when the recorded message began with a recounting of the disciples “visibly shaking” as Jesus teaches of His upcoming death, resurrection, and perfect peace I lost it. The seizure-like attacks had already been in a continuous pattern of havoc for over 30 minutes. “Visibly shaking?” Yeah. I get it. Only I am not only afraid. I am sad. I am grieving the loss of so much with this illness. I am broken.

²⁷Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14)

Yesterday I said to a friend on Facebook that the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” The God of the universe was displaying His human compassion for the death of a friend and for the terrible wretchedness that we must endure in our earthly lives. I shared this to encourage her that the Lord sees her pain over the death of friends or their loved ones recently. This verse speaks to me today too. My Lord sees my suffering, so much loss (i.e. time, money, fellowship, activities, health, fitness, and intimacy with my husband), heartache, and weakness. He grieves yet He knows my heart and loves me more than I can ever know. He is not the God of this world so there will be pain and suffering in this world. No one escapes these. Jesus Himself will come again in glory and gather those who know Him to be with Him through all of eternity. When I die I will see Him and be in His glorious presence forever. And while I am still here, I know that He will use all of this for my good and His glory too:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8)

Right now I don’t feel as bad as I did earlier this evening. It’s very early in the morning and I feel like some things got worked out this evening. It’s as if my Lord and King has me cradled gently in the shadow of His wings and that’s a great place to be for restful sleep. All of the other things that I write about in this blog (my eBook, online jewelry) should never take the focus off of what and Who is most important in my life. Jesus rocks!

Very simply I’ll close with this: I love you Lord Jesus Christ and I want everyone who reads this to know you too. After all, when I do take my last breath it will be all that I have left. Gentle Reader: how about you? JJ