I hit another wall today: one that reminded me of my inability to control or think my way out of pretty much anything. Have you been there?
Amassed in noxious symptoms after finally venturing out of the house on my own today, I had thought things were going pretty well earlier. I was becoming sicker so I came home to unpack my stuff from some errands and rest a while before making dinner. Losing the next 3 hours in bed after coming home was not what I expected. After all, I am getting better right? Well I’m not sure just yet.
Sometimes a person just has to stay focused on a moment as small as one breath in time. At least I could breathe this time when the “non-epileptic seizures” hit. Gratefully I had my phone with me and the app for Harvest Fellowship messages would fill my mind with the Word of God. When there was a break in the action I could get it going, listen, and maybe relax. The darkness of my spirit lifted somewhat as Pastor Paul Mowery began to speak. I missed my husband who was away at the midweek church service. To text him to please come home did cross my mind. But then I realized that the One I really needed was already here . . .
I cried out to the Lord and He met me there in that dark bedroom refuge. Our pastor’s words from the Book of John about abiding in the love of Jesus Christ filled me like a cup of warm cocoa running through my veins. Then when the recorded message began with a recounting of the disciples “visibly shaking” as Jesus teaches of His upcoming death, resurrection, and perfect peace I lost it. The seizure-like attacks had already been in a continuous pattern of havoc for over 30 minutes. “Visibly shaking?” Yeah. I get it. Only I am not only afraid. I am sad. I am grieving the loss of so much with this illness. I am broken.
27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14)
Yesterday I said to a friend on Facebook that the shortest verse in the Bible is John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” The God of the universe was displaying His human compassion for the death of a friend and for the terrible wretchedness that we must endure in our earthly lives. I shared this to encourage her that the Lord sees her pain over the death of friends or their loved ones recently. This verse speaks to me today too. My Lord sees my suffering, so much loss (i.e. time, money, fellowship, activities, health, fitness, and intimacy with my husband), heartache, and weakness. He grieves yet He knows my heart and loves me more than I can ever know. He is not the God of this world so there will be pain and suffering in this world. No one escapes these. Jesus Himself will come again in glory and gather those who know Him to be with Him through all of eternity. When I die I will see Him and be in His glorious presence forever. And while I am still here, I know that He will use all of this for my good and His glory too:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8)
Right now I don’t feel as bad as I did earlier this evening. It’s very early in the morning and I feel like some things got worked out this evening. It’s as if my Lord and King has me cradled gently in the shadow of His wings and that’s a great place to be for restful sleep. All of the other things that I write about in this blog (my eBook, online jewelry) should never take the focus off of what and Who is most important in my life. Jesus rocks!
Very simply I’ll close with this: I love you Lord Jesus Christ and I want everyone who reads this to know you too. After all, when I do take my last breath it will be all that I have left. Gentle Reader: how about you? JJ
2 thoughts on “It’s all I have left”
Beautiful post. I hope today finds you better.
Thank you sweet Jennifer. Happy new year to you! May the Lord bless you, :J