Tag: loneliness

Handling loss is a skill for living well

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Some disappointments this past week have reminded me of the importance of handling “loss” well.  Change is a certainty in this life and many of us have had more than our share of both the voluntary and involuntary fare.  Change often means letting go of something or someone we cherish.  For the Christian we can view change as part of becoming more like Christ, maturing in our faith, and working out the details of our lives with the Lord.  It is necessary!  And all too often it doesn’t feel well though.

Here are 5 changes that came in rapid-fire succession for me lately:

  1. A counselor that I have been seeing to handle the grief of this serious biotoxin illness I’m dealing with, suddenly discharged me from her care.  A week ago Tuesday I had a major seizure attack episode in her office and had to leave abruptly.  The episode went on while standing outside the front door to her office then continued as I struggled to get back into my truck.  An hour and a half later I was able to leave to return home.  She checked on me multiple times during the event and even called me a few times to discuss our next appointment.  Until that day she had been opening the window in her office for me to increase air circulation before our starting time.  When she did not do so until I was about to walk into her office (on a rainy, humid afternoon), the scented “warming candle” residuals, soil aerosols from her live plant, and possible contaminants embedded in the office carpeting were too much for me.  She is now unwilling to meet me in a nearby library conference room since her driving time simply would not be reimbursable, won’t fit into her busy schedule.  So for now it’s bye bye Julie.
  2. For the third year in a row I had to miss my husband’s United States Canoe Association Nationals due to illness.  I am sad.  I love watching Steve compete in his surf ski (racing kayak) and missed both of his races including the exciting trial class event with our outrigger canoe.  It sounds like there was a photo finish as he crossed the finish line and I was not there to take it all in or take pictures.  Sigh.  We love taking road trips together.  Even if we could have afforded the expense of travelling together, I cannot tolerate the fragrances of hotel rooms, conditions of camping, or the unknowns of renting a travel trailer.  Such is life with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome!  I stayed home with our German shepherd pup in our “safe home.”  Parts of the two full days were actually better by the way:  I got to dig in the dirt of a new garden bed.  The second day was terrifying however with two, severe, hour-long episodes while home alone.  My Jesus saw me through when I thought I would stop breathing.  I did not.  My husband needed this time away.  Besides, having someone stay with me or check on me in the end dangerously increases risks to my health.  We made tough choices indeed.
  3. I realize that the isolation that accompanies this illness is killing my spirit.  I sense my social skills eroding.  Sitting in my truck in a cemetery adjacent to a Garden Walk event on Saturday, I nearly panicked because I was late and there were cicadas plunking my windshield as I tried to wrap up a phone call with Steve!  I had not talked to anyone but my dog for 24 hours so I was glad for his call.  However, I had felt awkward and alone getting ready.  And I know that these were just feelings.  The evening out went fine with barely a few tic zips, enjoyment of select entrees, and meeting some really nice fellow gardeners.  It’s just that the social part of my life is so unnatural, absent, and different now.  Just like when I went through a divorce, lots of people have left my life once again.  Reaching out has been tough when it’s so complicated just to get together.   I will keep trying though.  I have to . . .
  4. An occupational therapy (O.T.) recruiter for an agency for whom I used to do contract work called me TWICE this past week!  I guess they really needed someone!  Oh how I miss working.  Last night I did the equivalent of 4 hours of (free!) continuing education credits for my O.T. license, inspired perhaps by the phone call earlier.  Maybe someday there will be an equivalent at-home professional job that I can do that will utilize my skills.  Just gotta get rid of some daily seizure attack episodes first, eh?  Today they lasted most of the day.  My “job” was to take a shower and make dinner.  Done.  Don’t need an App to keep track of this kind of schedule, I tell ya!  Sish.
  5. Most of the time my worship is in isolation.  For a long time I looked to my husband to try and fix this one for me.  Why wasn’t he trying to find a church for us in a newer building that wasn’t water damaged?  My criticism of him and “our” church goes on from here; it is not good.  I have tried to fill the void with a read-the-Bible-in-a-year App, Christian radio talk shows, following various ministries via email or Facebook, interacting with other believers via the same, and continuous prayer throughout the day including praying with Steve.  But I crave real Christian fellowship.  I crave Women’s Bible Study.  There wasn’t even an outdoor baptismal service with our church this year and the annual hot dog roast will be a “no” in October due to the noxious exposures from the campfire.  (The smoke was hell for me last year.)  My heart is breaking on this one.  I know the Lord sees it too.  I trust Him.  Just today I got the sense that I may need to reach out a little more and not wait for someone else to fix it.  I contacted our “Encouragement Ministry” leader about starting something with others who are home bound and I  am waiting to hear back from her.  Hopefully it will be soon!

While we could discuss the solution to these problems the more important point here right now is that I know that each of these will bring goodness in due time.  I have realized the promise of the Lord “restoring the years the locusts had eaten” (Joel 2:25) after my life fell apart in 2003.  Joy returned and reminders of it are all around me.  I have chosen to write about these things in hopes that you will pray alongside me for the Lord’s will and redeeming grace for these recent losses.  Perhaps you, too, have loved and lost much while enduring all kinds of trials.  Please let me know about them and I will pray for you.

Gentle Reader:  we are to stand firm on the foundation of our faith in Jesus Christ who will:

  • Make all things new.  (Revelation 21:5)
  • Direct our paths.  (Proverbs 3:5-6)
  • Extend His love, compassions, and faithfulness in newness every morning.  (Lamentations 3:22-23)
  • Remember us in our low estate with love that endures forever.  (Psalm 136:23)
  • Reward us for our faithfulness.  (Matthew 6)
  • Bless those who are good stewards of time, talents, and resources.  (Luke 16 &  Matthew 25)

And so much more.  I am encouraged.  My Jesus sits on the throne of my life and the throne of grace.  He will make beauty from the ashes (Isaiah 61) which are the losses that characterize living a full life here with Him as our Lord and Savior.  I trust His Word on this and hope that you will too.  Let us rejoice with great expectation for the goodness to come!

Isaiah 61

10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.

 

Left behind. Not forgotten.

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

DSCF9783

One of the great things about Facebook is that it is timeless.  Your event lives on after it is posted and no one knows what happened before or afterward just that you were there online at one moment in time.

The wedding of my husband’s son, Daniel, is a great example.  I am delighted to have worn a gorgeous dress to the outdoor ceremony at the Lakeside Rosegarden downtown near where we live in Indiana.  The weather was idyllic:  sunny and 80 degrees with a slight breeze in the abundant shade.  The nuptials were exchanged in front of the fountain and reflecting pools:  the groom dressed impressively in his Marine blues and the bride aptly adorned in white chiffon and satin.  The red roses in her hair were a lovely touch in the regal garden setting.  A small contingent was invited to witness the event early in the afternoon and an even larger one would attend the reception 5 hours later.  In the interim we snapped a myriad of photos then headed off to various restaurants in the area.  A few crashed at their hotel rooms in anticipation of the reception at a restored train station called Baker’s Street.  Surely there would be dancing, eating of gourmet finger sandwiches and cake:  festivities that are the hallmark of American wedding traditions.

You wouldn’t know that the reception is happening right now and I am not there.  I am sitting here in a Polartec sweater, pajama bottoms and my evening dress shoes (as the daytime slides have already made their showing in the soft grass around the park nearly landing me into a wardrobe malfunction!).  This was my comfort garb I selected for a short rest before I redressed for the evening.  Yeah well you can probably guessed what happened instead:  the tic attacks that had begun at the quiet restaurant I selected and enjoyed with select family members escalated into a continuous episode as soon as I lain on the bed at home.  Nope.  No nap just some more shakes.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

Just because we have hosted 2 gatherings (doubling the wretched symptoms over these past 4 days), got Skyped into a bridal shower (to minimize exposures to 2 dozen ladies wearing fragrances of all sorts), and attended one of the most lovely outdoor rehearsal-style receptions followed by an equally lovely wedding the next day, why would I be too weak to go to a reception?  “Why” indeed.  All of this celebrating was way too much for me a few days ago!  Such is the nature of Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (CIRS):  a complication of Lyme disease and biotoxin illness.  The fact that I made it this far is a miracle for me.  I am grateful.  And I am also sad that I could not finish the festivities with everyone, dancing the night away in the arms of my beloved.  So my beloved and I did something else instead.

Just before Steve left to join his family for the wedding reception back downtown, I asked him for 5 minutes.

That’s when I put on my other pair of dress shoes so we could dance.  Oh how I love my Stevers.  (We played this song at our own wedding DURING the ceremony, before the Lord and all of our guests 6 1/2 years ago.)  Afterwards with a kiss more passionate than many of late, we parted this evening.  Later I looked at the photos we had downloaded from the wedding and posted a bunch on Facebook.  Clearly there are more memories being created at the reception as I typed.  Oh well.  I had the most romantic dance of the evening right here in our living room.  My beloved will return and all will be right with the world.  Have I said that I love Steve so very much?  My heart broke and the tears came easily as he prepared to leave.  Rest assured I needed to be left behind in the comfort of our home tonight to rest for the eighth large gathering of the week that is tomorrow night:  the wedding of a son of some dear friends of ours.  This evening Steve will have danced with his lovely daughters and mother (here from California).  Tonight it will be his turn to sit alone while his ex-wife dances with her new husband.  So much not the way it should be.  I’m sure Steve will be fine.

Perhaps another one of those great kisses will be coming my way a little later?  Hope so.  We each do what the Lord calls us to do on a night like this.  At least the pictures are really nice, eh?  Thank you Lord.  How could I ask for more?

DSCF9827

A day in the life of our dog

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment
It's me, Elle!
It’s me, Elle!

8:30 a.m.     The big guy has finally finished praying, eating out of a tiny bowl, and remembered the fuzzy one at his feet.  Yippee!  It’s time for mad dashes across the yard at Top Gun speed in the cool air that I really like.  The tall one thinks I really like that neon green ball but really it’s the hip massages I crave that follow when I roll onto my back at just the right moment.  Roll over too soon and the scratches will barely reach my undercoat.  Submit too late and he mutters something about work as our bonding time ends.  HEY, I LIVE FOR THIS!  What else is there in a dog’s life?

8:45 a.m.      No way the dude got as tall as he is with the dry nuggets he feeds me.  Better check out what’s in that little black bowl on the table when he’s in my storm shelter (aka bathroom) later.  Finally it’s time to eat again, gourmet Purina Select for my allergies, but it’s chump change for a pup with discerning tastes.  Oh well.  I’ll see what I can charm out of the girly one when she appears after my post-breakfast nap.

9:00 a.m.      I watch out the window as my buddy leaves in the bat mobile with funky racks on the roof and a grumbling noise that’s worse than me.  Sigh.  Who knows when the girly one will find me lying here in the laundry room.  Better position myself so I can see her when she comes for me yet still defend my turf if needed.  My eyes may be covered with furry lids yet I know when that beastly garbage truck, UPS invader, yellow child carrier, meter reader or anyone else threatens my territory.  Time to go to work or is it sleep?  They will never know!

9:30 a.m.        Looks like the girly one has entered my zone here at the front of the house but she is ignoring me already.  “Hi Elle” doesn’t cut it when my ears need scratching!  Sometimes she gives me a teaser then goes and washes her hands in the perennial water bowl on the counter.  Nice sentiment!  I never brush my teeth when I lick your pants do I?  Those earthlings just don’t get it.  My mouth is cleaner than a baby’s bottom!  Just ask G.J., the mutt that used to lick your grandmother’s feet every night.  Heaven for both of them for sure.

10:00 a.m.      More food smells fill my nose!  Sometimes she’s eating in the unauthorized zone for me, in the back of the house somewhere and sometimes she’s out here with me in the kitchen.  I like it when I am within range of the good stuff.  She eats meat for breakfast and that is what I like too.  I often get a fat scrap to tide me over until they almost forget to feed me in the evening.  I really need to unionize or file a complaint about that one.  I am on watch at this point.  The girly one is up and I am a shepherd.  I will protect her from anyone that drives into the courtyard that needs my scolding.  Warning:  “come near and I will eat you!” or at least it’s going to sound like it  when you come near.  That’s just the way it goes with bigger pups like yours truly.

11:00 a.m.      Now where did she go?  Hey, it’s still puppy play time!  What about me?  Sish.  She’s gone back to the unknown zone in the back where I am not allowed to roam.  Things get really quiet when she is back there.  She’s still got that fake fur light blue coat on so maybe she is taking her own post-breakfast nap.  Humans!  Who can figure them out?  Better believe that she will reappear if my barking is convincing enough.  Hmmmmm.  I could mess with her on this one a bit.  And maybe I have . . . .

2 or 3 or 4:00 p.m.  If she is still here and hasn’t left me stranded in my boring dog zone in the kitchen, the girly one is back.  Yes!  That means it’s time to go outside if I haven’t gone earlier.  Sometimes she makes me wait a long time.  Good thing I’m not on a potty schedule or anything.  Gotta time these slurps of day-old water just right.  (Not that I mind day-old water.  Mud puddle, bird bath, pond scum, water dish are all the same to me!)  If I am really cute maybe she will play with me a little longer or take me for a ride in the giant metal pet carrier on wheels.  Well I am just going to sit here with my ball beyond the property line where she has tossed it and give her my best silhouette.  It’s kind of like being obedient.  She doesn’t know that it is a game with me.  Who wins is the one who gets to play longer.  If I come back right away after squirting the grass then she will usually toss the ball for me a couple more times.  Win-win.  I’m a dog and I’m not concerned about her afternoon appointments.  It’s play time!

7-9:00 p.m.   Rarely do I get to go anywhere in the evening unless short stuff takes me for a walk.  When she grabs that black leash I am in heaven!  Otherwise if they have stranded me for the day, it’s nearly dark when my peeps return with bags of stuff that rarely contains food for me.   What a waste!  Take me with you next time!  I’ll sniff out the best deals!  Oh well.  At least they take me for a bathroom run again and let me run around the yard a bit before dark.  The winter time is best for this when that white stuff is on the ground.  I LIVE FOR SNOW!  The big guy puts on his paw extensions and we go for long slides around my watering hole out back.  IT’S THE BOMB!  In the warmer months I get to do pretty much whatever I want while either the tall dude is pushing a buzzing snack shaver around my yard or the shorter one is digging up stuff, playing with my watering wand, or kicking me out of bunny sniffing zones.  Paws are better for digging dontcha know and I have an underground condo to prove it!  Alas, I love being outside.  It’s where I was born and where I belong.  However I’d really rather be with these oddballs without fur (except the big guy who has a wimpy version compared to me) so I go in when I am called.  It’s my duty as their pup!

10:00 p.m.     My masters sit and eat in front of me and never feed me from the table.  What a rip off!  It’s not like I can’t smell it you know!  Later when they remember that I am hungry too (I am not just being cute:  I am trying to tell you something!), they dump some more MRE rations in my bowl.  Hey throwing it on the floor would be more fun really.  Whatever.  When the girly one gives me some skin, as in chicken skin, I am in heaven.  This when I know I am truly alive.  Then they wrestle with me and I pretend to chew on their paws.  Yeah, they really love me.  Even if they cut back on the tartar control mix they call dinner, to keep me a lean, mean, fighting machine — I don’t mind.  The rabbits get a better run when I have a waist don’t you know?

11:00 p.m.      At last.  More dog time with my master.  Oh the girly one thinks she has my heart cause she pets me when we are home alone or up late at night.  Yeah but it’s the big dude that sets me straight and that is cool with me.  I get a little wild sometimes in my canine heart that wants to run freeeeeeeee!  His discipline is firm.  This is how I know he loves me and wants to protect me as much as I want to protect him.  I don’t really want to get squashed in the street you know as I chase the kids on their bikes.  Maybe it looks like I don’t know what I am doing?  That is not the case.  I am a smart German shepherd and I am always on alert don’t you know.  Just watch me sitting at the edge of the yard sometimes, placing my furry tush between them and any potentially offending intruder.  One false move and I will let them know who is boss.  Well, at least my bark will say that I am da boss!

Wee hours of the a.m.   This is a strange time in my den.  The girly one has been up with me until nearly daylight for the past 2 years.  Sometimes I hear her crying in distress and it breaks my puppy heart.  I am worried about her and I know she sees it in my face.  The look is good for a scratch behind the ears too.  “Puppy therapy” she calls it when I see her a little later.  Whew!  I sigh with relief that she’s o.k.  I don’t know how she does it every night.  Maybe she will get better and sleep more like me.  I think it’s starting to happen but I can’t be sure.  It’s a dog’s life and I live in the moment.  Besides, dozing, sleeping, listening with my eyes closed is a full-time job you know.  She used to do stuff outside our den most days of the week.  Oh well.  For now she’s here with me, most days and every night and I love her.  The big guy is pretty cool too.  He is rough with me and I like it.  Such a nice blend.  They make a great couple.  Oh well.  What do I know?

I’m just a dog and this is my story.  Elle.

Who He Is

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

We all have some level of common sense:  that which we can agree is reasonable in any given situation.  Then again I have found that common sense just isn’t that common anymore!

I listen with intrigue when hearing the real-life experiences of others who have been successful at something.  Gaining triumph over tragedy.  Seeking good after playing with evil a bit too much.  Finding wisdom over folly.  Finishing a difficult task.  Inspiring others with your amazing story.  All this is good and unites us in our humanity when we can relate to the experiences of others.  I have heard from those who have travelled extensively overseas that most people around the world want the same things for their families and from their relationships with others no matter our cultural differences might be.  Thus we can all celebrate when the “human spirit” triumphs:  the good guy wins, the lonely widow finds love, and the person who passes on from this life having left a legacy for others to follow.

But what if there is more?  What if there is a source to that common sense that is in-bred between the strands of our DNA?  What if the innate knowledge of good and evil transcends the do’s and don’ts our elders taught us growing up?  And what if we all could persevere beyond both the winning and the losing?  After all, we all lose our lives in the end and cannot take any relationship, thing, achievement, or fit body with us.  We probably should keep trying to get it right anyways!  And that is very hard to do on our own.

When we find the true meaning of life, how the heck we got here, our giftedness, the Master plan for our lives, and humbly receive with gratitude our lot in life then we can be truly alive.   How do we find these?  We find our answers when we invite the Lord Jesus Christ into our hearts.  We learn about Jesus (who is one with the Father and the Holy Spirit) by reading the Bible, in prayer and meditation, in fellowship with others in the body of Christ.  The person of Jesus Christ created us in His own image; he draws us near to love and follow Him.  In doing so we grow in wisdom and all of the fruits of the spirit:  peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  (Galatians 5:22-23)  Our purpose, our reason for being here can become clearer.  We then grow in understanding as we mature as believers, gaining wisdom from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, our Counselor.

In the words of the Apostle Paul to you Gentle Reader,

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.  (Ephesians 1)

He is the One who will receive us in all of His glory at our finish line when our days are done.  How well will we finish the race of our lives?  (Check out Hebrews 12:1-3.)  I’m trying remain humble on that one for sure.  Maybe you already have a personal relationship with God through His son, Jesus Christ.  I am delighted to meet you here as we will surely have great fellowship in heaven someday!

As Easter approaches this is a great time to revisit who God really is to each one of us.  We can all use this season commemorating His tremendous love for us as an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord.  Realizing this tonight was brought forth in meeting a few gals who have endured then overcame much heartache in their lives.  Me too.  Thank you Lord for leading me to your throne of grace.  Sure would be great if finding who You really are was even more common as common sense is too.

kneeling in prayer

Finding Love Again

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded1 Comment

It’s as if I always knew that something was missing . . .

My first wedding day was lovely:  filled with pretty flowers, pearly alencon lace, and all the details that were meaningful at the time.  I was a new believer in Jesus Christ and in love with a young man named Craig.  We settled in the west suburbs of Chicago, worked in healthcare, and got busy with the tasks of fixing up our townhome.  In time Craig would lead us to a smaller Bible church from the seeker-friendly mega church that helped lead me to faith in Christ.  In time I joined him at that little church.  I also learned that Christians really do know how to have fun, meaningful lives rich in the knowledge and living out of the Word of God.

Then when Craig had to leave and decided never to return, my life turned upside down for about 4 years.  My last surviving grandmother, my youngest brother, and my mother all passed away out of state from where I was living.  I moved five times and my personal items were either donated to charity or stored in seven different places.  I had to change jobs three times and endured two work-related injuries.  The condo fire followed, displacing me for three months in a bare rental unit provided by my insurance company.   It was there, staring at the blank walls devoid of all of my earthly possessions and reminders of who I was that I discovered what else was missing:  my Heavenly Husband.

Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

5 For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

The Bible is full of analogies comparing our relationship with the Lord as a marital relationship.  Jesus is the Bridegroom and the church is His bride.  Our Heavenly Father is the husband and we are His beloved.  The imagery of an intimate relationship is too much for us to grasp fully yet challenged me to make Christ real in my life on a daily basis.  So I went for it fully:  when I got in my car and was in a down mood I invited Jesus to ride with me, take the wheel, and be my constant companion.  Before long I realized that I had placed Craig in a place in my heart not made for him.  Some of the disappointment I experienced in our marriage came from not understanding the VERY LARGE place in my heart reserved only for the Lord.  In time, that place grew larger, infilling the emptiness in my heart, filling me completely.

When I met my intended beloved, of course I still had a few kinks to work out in the man-woman relationship department.  One shift was clear however:  my need for wholeness was to be met by my Heavenly Husband not my earthly one.  Placing too much responsibility on my new husband to meet all of my needs, love me, provide for me, and guide me wasn’t fair to him or me.  The One who will always be there perfectly on-time with all the right stuff will only and always be my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am grateful that Steve is a mighty good second I must admit!  Pastor Bill Hybels at Willow Creek Community Church said it best one Sunday service:  trust God.  Love people.  Trust God to meet all of your needs.  Love people including your spouse as imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ . . . just like me.  All of us have much to give and will fail at some point as well.  Only God is perfect.  The Lord is to be our first love.

With a perfect God, and a personal relationship through His son, Jesus Christ, we are free to live more lightly each day with the ones we love.  We can extend grace, grant forgiveness a little more easily.  We can love others and grow closer in fellowship despite all of our foibles.  And if you’re like me, you will find love again in all the right places.

Psalm 84

1 How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty! 2 My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. 3 Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God. 4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.

5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,  they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.  7 They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.

8 Hear my prayer, Lord God Almighty; listen to me, God of Jacob. 9 Look on our shield, O God; look with favor on your anointed one.

10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold     from those whose walk is blameless.

12 Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.