Tag: faith

They came, they went, and life goes on

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important:  the good ones soften the others!

I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening.  Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years.  Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB).  Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks.  The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly.  Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside.  A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head.  Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time.  However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter.  To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .

Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet.  Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday.  He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members.  I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me.  This was a mixed blessing.  I appreciate others asking and praying for me.  Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter.  Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.

One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital.  Yipes!  We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon.  Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich.  I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m.  That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home.  Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does.  Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday.  Before we knew it the evening was over.  Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.

And so it goes.  Life goes on.  Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night:  at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group.  This is good.  I am glad and it was worth the wait.  :J

He knows me so well

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded4 Comments

There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is.  There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle.  Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life.  The dangling participle is apropos.  I am lost as to my exact location.  All I know is how I got here.  I have no idea what the game plan is.  Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time.  Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless.  I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on).  And then a new problemmo emerges.  Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose.  That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database.  Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test.  “Look me in the eye!”  is all I am asking.  Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?”  After all, that is why I am there!  I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed.  Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point.  While I do believe that I will be well someday  even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this:  I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write.  There is nothing left to say.  I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit.  There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening.  That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ.  You know my aching heart.  You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life.  You saw this breaking point long before it came.  All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up.  I give up.  Take me as I am.   crucifix

Sorry, Gentle Reader.  This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.

The whole chicken or egg dilemma

Published on by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

chicken and eggs

Sometimes in life things do not occur in any sane, logical order.  Well after the original Creation of all things, that is!  Before Creation there was only God and we came with His speaking into existence time, space, the earth, and so on.  All I can say is that after I was born a lot of things happened in a fairly reasonable sequence.  However after I became an adult that all changed!

I started my career, graduated with a Masters degree, and was married 12 years without ever having had any children.  I see now the paradoxical blessing of never having had a family as a young woman; it just didn’t make sense why this happened as the years went on until more recently.  It was the Lord’s plan for my life.  Regardless I now have had the privilege of “adopting” my intended beloved husband’s grandson this past year and it is GRAND!  I love it!  Sitting here in the great State of Indiana following the stream of photos on Facebook of little Jackson and his parents in North Carolina is the new replacement for dinner-with-the-family on Sunday afternoons.  Well o.k.  Works for me.

Ah yes, work.  I began my career as an occupational therapist, dabbled in worker’s compensation insurance, ventured into a home business three times (where I continue now as a hobby), bounced back after a few orthopedic injuries, and landed in an extended medical leave two years ago.  I would have thought that I would be more vulnerable to such a serious illness when undergoing some of the more significant and stressful transitions in my life but it didn’t happen that way.  Illness came when I was happily married, living closer to my hometown of Detroit, Michigan, secure in my relationship with the Lord, and largely homebound in a pretty place with a cool dog too.  I have never felt more loved and it came after age 47, not as a baby girl.  Works for me.

And there it is again.  Work.  My training as an occupational therapist brings a fascination with all things “work:” from the menial tasks of housekeeping to the time-and-motion requirements of an assembly line worker.  I am amazed at the inner workings and outer performance capabilities of the human frame in addition to our ability to love, to hate, to dream.  Later in life I would also come to know the Creator of mankind as my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:  the One who made me and you in His image.  Oh how lovely He must be for all of us to be a copy of His humanity!  My life has been a wacky journey of discovery for all that He has made and gifted me to be; my weaknesses in addition to my strengths are crafted at His hand, in His time.  This brings me to the current day.

I received a job notification from a prominent continuing education company for a part time Lead Occupational Therapy Education Planner.  Wow, that sounds cool!  The Planner would assist in the development and promotion of continuing education courses for occupational therapists and occupational therapy assistants nationwide.  I have spent my entire career continuing my love for learning as I moved from one specialty area to another, adapting from one work setting and set of skills to another.  Then when illness struck and continued into the year 2012, the Lord guided me into an online jewelry business.  I knew very little about ecommerce at the time!  Within a year I am grateful to report that I had customers from most sections of the United States and had learned a variety of jewelry-making techniques.  I could adapt my creative schedule any time of day or night.  And the marketing and writing skills of previous endeavors got applied and developed further, including photography and the use of social media.

Even with all of that, my greatest joy lies right here with you.  This blog has received my heart, my hopes, my fears, my dreams, my failures, and my successes too.  You have been there for me, Gentle Reader, through yet another transition in my life.  I have recently doubted my ability to return to gainful employment due to the nature of the illness in my life.  And yet the skills of reading, writing, creating, and social networking have grown despite any hardship.  So I applied for the position!  I included the online business, eBook, and this blog as accomplishments of late.  It’s just like an occupational therapist to examine the skills needed to get through the day and a person’s ability to match it to what is needed in  his or her life.  This is exactly what I have done these past 2 years and in considering this new venture.

Thank you, Lord, for creating me as an occupational therapist.  You knew the skills I would need to navigate the events of my life and breathed the seeds of them into me decades ago.  And if it is your will that I move forward with gainful employment with this new company, then I am ready for this challenge.  I don’t need to know if it’s the right timing, if I need to do something else first as in the chicken or egg dilemma.  I’ll just trust you with all of the details.  How timely that earlier today I was talking with a friend about her preparation and experiences attempting to return to work after a personal leave of absence.  I place both of us at your throne of grace that your wisdom and strength would infill both of us for the opportunities that lie ahead.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.  JJ

We’re o.k. just as we are

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

With all of God’s Word at our fingertips, we continue to berate ourselves for not being good enough.  Such a fruitless waste of time.  This video straightened me around tonight.  Hope you enjoy it too.  May God be the glory for the great things He has done, including you and me.  Take care,  JJ

God’s Chisel Remastered by the Skit Guys

 

Into the Night

Published on by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

I am finally awake, stable, and coherent all at the same time!  It is now 12:48 a.m.  Such is life.

First snow dec 2009 007

On a good note, I was able to march around outside this evening in my snowshoes for about 30 minutes this evening.  The night air felt bitterly cold yet the sky was clear with all of the stars visible in our Midwestern corner of the world.  I love seeing our German Shepherd, Elle, jump from one snow drift to the other as she chases after my husband and me.  But perhaps my most favorite moment was seeing her waiting for me as she looked into the house from outside on our covered porch.  Steve had taken off cross country skiing in the backyard and pond area.  She usually follows him closely, often pouncing behind him in his tracks when the snow is deep.  Today she knew that I would be headed out with him shortly after he left and there she was:  waiting with her big expectant brown eyes.  Ah the love of one’s pup!

First snow dec 2009 010

Sometimes when I am alone it is hard to feel the love that I know exists in my life.  When I am the sickest each morning this is especially true.  For me it seems that so much of the success of recovering from this time of illness will lie in what I do with the grief of the trauma I have experienced.  For over two years now, I have felt traumatized by the wretched seizure attack episodes that wrench my body with pain, headaches, cognitive changes, ringing in my ears, crying, spontaneous vocalizations, and violent seizing.  For over two months, the episodes last around four hours total per day with the worst ones occurring in the evening.  The sadness can be overwhelming; the disappointment each time they return can be heavily discouraging.  Both can lead to a sense of emptiness that is devoid of love, hope, and meaning.  At some point I recover enough from an attack to get something to eat or drink.  Even eye contact with the lone pet left behind with me when everyone else in my life has gone off to work or some other noble activity can be a mixed blessing:  comforting and protective (yes) yet a pittance for more meaningful human contact.  By the way, where is God?

Yes, I often long for Jesus with skin on at these times.  I am grateful that most recently I have found Him in the caring voice of a friend on the phone and always in the loving embrace of my beloved Steve.  Sometimes I miss picking up the phone and calling my mom.  This desire to connect with her seems stronger the more the years go by since she passed away nearly seven years ago.  I guess it is normal when a person goes through a time of testing or sorrow to desire the comfort and wisdom of a parent no matter what your current age might be.  If my mom were still alive today I think she would want me to keep moving, keep going, keep trying despite the setbacks.  O.K. mom:  will do.  For tonight I’m going to call on the One who sees me whether or not my husband is around, the dog is awake, a friend is home to answer the phone, or my self-soothing words in my heart to my deceased mother means anything.  I’m going to the throne of grace.

My dear friend mentioned Psalm 91 yesterday.  Here are some gems from the Psalm to which those with an anxious heart often turn:

Psalm 91

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,     my God, in whom I trust.”

**************

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

From Bibleclassics.com I found this little gem of insight into Psalm 91 that spoke to my heart this night:  “Whatever happens, nothing shall hurt the believer; though trouble and affliction  befal, it shall come, not for his hurt, but for good, though for the present it  be not joyous but grievous. Those who rightly know God, will set their love upon  him. They by prayer constantly call upon him. His promise is, that he will in  due time deliver the believer out of trouble, and in the mean time be with him  in trouble. The Lord will manage all his worldly concerns, and preserve his life  on earth, so long as it shall be good for him. For encouragement in this he  looks unto Jesus.”

Yes, thank you Matthew Henry.  I will hold onto the psalmist’s words of comfort inspired by my Lord who sees me on my bed of sickness, who promises He will never leave me or forsake me.  And if it be His will, He will deliver me from my suffering.  Into this night and for the rest of my nights I will ultimately rest in the loving arms of the one who is showing me His goodness despite the darkness.  No matter what the next day might bring I will trust You.  No matter what the next hour may bring I will wait on You. 

No matter what you too may endure Gentle Reader, I hope that you will be encouraged that your sadness or disappointment does not go unnoticed by the Lord who loves you too.  He is worthy of our faith.  And I know if we both but believe in Him, we will be blessed in some special way that will transcend our nights, our days.  In the meantime He will not frustrate us beyond our ability to cope and will provide a way out when overwrought with temptation.  These are promises in His Word and truths by which we can endure all things.  We will never be alone.  His eyes will always be smiling towards us through the looking glass of life.  JJ