chronic pain – Page 5 – Jesus is for the Wounded

For this I have seen

Published on December 29, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

The darkest time of night

Brings hope in ways not the norm:

When breathing is restored and the room stands still

My mind clears and my Lord speaks in ways never heard before.

He knows my frame

And delivers me once again

With less pain overall these days

And more wisdom than trauma for all the suffering.

For alas I can go

To such a wretched place

Time and again whilst wondering “why?”

Only to find hidden answers just for me, in the those tender places.

Not all makes sense

And that can be o.k. in the end

When I know the Lord is at the helm

And uses my suffering for His glory, my healing, to bring light, and more.

No, it was not wasted

When I found you who came along

This way with me where the blackest times of night

Served to shine streams of sunshine into days once lived in shades of gray.

Oh to keep mediocrity!

That would be dreadful indeed.

To never see beyond vanilla, boring landscapes

Creeping traffic in the middle lane when the Audubon beckons in a Ferrari 458.

Mach 1 with your hair aflame

Is bound to singe your eyebrows too

But how will you know if you are truly alive my dear

If you have not seen, tasted death along the edges of life truly lived whoot, whoot?

Because when it is over

A job will be waiting for you as me:

To tell our stories to those stuck in the dark

Or on an exit ramp on the wrong road they once thought went nowhere too.

There is always more

Even when our breaths are numbered

When we each see the door to the last destination

And can no longer wonder if we did too much or too little when our past cannot change.

The door to eternity awaits us both dear one:

With adventure of which we cannot conceive;

A place filled with wonder and no more tears

Where our heart will be home, finally, at last.

Will you risk this to be true and come to Him?

Will you lay down your fight, the need to know

To let Jesus Christ be your true reason to live:

The Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end.

Even when in our hearts we must let Him reign

Leading our thoughts and quieting all our fears

Adding His increase when no strength remains.

Finding this kind of peace transcends all we see:

We will find more than the mind can imagine for

We will live at peace I tell you for this I have seen.

:JJ

Gotcha! ;J

My Facebook Family Understands

Published on December 29, 2014December 29, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

Thank the Lord for Facebook!

Remember that John Lennon song from the 70’s, Whatever gets you through the night . . . it’s alright . . . it’s alright by me?” Well I am not endorsing riotous living by any means! I am saying that for me this past weekend, having a Closed Group in which to vent some drama was my “whatever” that got me through a couple of unusual nights and days when everyone else was asleep. Thanks for being there Cyber Friends. Here they are, out in the open:

Friday

Up very late again after the Lord added His increase so I could do some baking. There’s one more day to go entertaining in our home while trying to: avoid toxic (chemical & mold) exposures and squirrel away when the convulsions come. My hubby’s kids have done a reasonable job following our precautions, thankfully. I’ve missed some activities again this year. (For example, a partial Skype date with more family when I had to leave for an hour-long noxious episode!) Sometimes I feel like I have disappeared and other times it’s just me spending so dang much time in the kitchen preparing my special diet. Guess I’m glad I finally got my stuff done! I’ll have more food prep help tomorrow. Hey thanks for listening!

Saturday

Strangeness abounds! Still alone again after not being able to get up to join family due to wretched convulsions. Instead of making a nice honey maple ham dinner (for which I had prepared last night) my husband’s daughter made a different lunch for everyone. I was still in bed seizing! Now I’m up eating my special food alone with you and the Lord in front of our pretty tree.

The fam went indoor go-kart racing! Before they left and whilst praying the spiritual warfare would end, I got a text that my ex-husband needed to contact me for the first time in 10 years! Could he have gotten saved? So my time alone now has been tranformed into a prayer time.

No worries. The Lord has me and you gently in the palm of His hand. I see He may have “others” there too and it is all good.

Update to follow . . . With love, J

Sunday

Finally stabilized and was able to go out to eat with relatives after a wretched morning (aka husband carrying me to the bathroom then bringing me some food before I crashed for another 2 hours while he went off to church). No, the ex did not get saved so I will continue to pray if he comes to mind and in the meantime block further communication for sanity reasons.

Sometimes it just helps to vent the drama that characterizes a life with serious illness. I’ll bet that many of you reading this get it. Our “new normal” never really feels normal at all. I rest in the fact that the Lord sees all and carries me though each breath. When I couldn’t breathe later last night in repeated seizes, I reminded myself that I ain’t dead yet so it must be all uphill from here! “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6: you rock! It’s gonna be a better week! :J

Addendum:

Have a blessed couple of days, Gentle Reader, making the most of whatever is remaining in 2014. With a ton of yummy leftovers in the frig and sweet Christmas memories too, it’s going to be alright, alright, alright by me too. :JJ

Twas a dark and rainy night deep in the heart of Texas . . .

Published on December 12, 2014December 13, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

‘Twas a dark and rainy night deep in the heart of Texas. We had just travelled over 1200 miles the past two days when the 5-pointed star on the black metal gate came into view. In just a few minutes we would be safely in bed, asleep at last. Or so we thought anyways!

Rain had sprinkled the roads without incident for the last few hours as our caravan had made its way from Indiana to Texas. Since when does it rain in the Lone Star State? Well it’s good for them but not for the weary travelers who must set up camp in the muddy grounds of my in-law’s ranchette. As it should be, the horses roam free here and reminders of this are soft underfoot as we park near the barn. Holy crap!

The plastic mat near the door, that I read on an RV forum to be a nifty idea, went from good to bad in a matter of minutes! It would be another hour before we would realize that we should not wear shoes inside the newly outfitted travel trailer that would be our home for the week. Remnants of Armani and Buddy would grace our socks and that’s just the way it would be. Eventually we tucked our shoes underneath the camper to keep them dry. O.k. That works!

Our pup Elle adapted quickly to the wide open spaces. I never really saw where she decided to potty over the course of our visit and that is just fine by me. Eventually the mounds of racquet-ball sized horse manure would dry on all of us and we would figure out the clearest path from the trailer to the house in the daytime and in the nighttime too. We simply opted to wipe Elle’s feet every time before she entered our humble abode for the night. The rest of the time? I just cannot account for that. She settled in with the old girl lab, Leah, and darling retriever, Molly, in their respective pecking order and all was well with the world. Elle would be depressed for days after returning home for having bonded with everything furry out there . . .

But the tasks at hand upon our arrival to KK Ranch were not done yet as morning drew near. Attaching our heavy duty power cord tripped the breaker in the barn no matter how my beloved Steve tried to configure it. At 4 in the morning we just did not feel comfortable waking up Kyle and Katherine for advice. Lights, refrigeration, and microwave/convection power would have to wait; we had what power we needed from our stored battery power. Then in a stroke of genius, Steve attached the charger to the shore power via the smaller outdoor cord provided then attached the charger to the battery of the trailer. Ola! We had enough AC to run the lights and tickle the frig until we could figure out a better configuration in the daylight. In the end Steve ran two separate cords from each of the two outlets to the camper: one for the frig and a second one for the lights and electric heater. We simply would not use the microwave for this leg of our trip. No problemmo.

Then our attention turned to connecting water supply. Most folks not familiar with trailer and RV camping have probably seen the American Lampoon and Robin William’s RV movies that magnify the importance of good sewer lines and running H2O! If you don’t have access to fresh water, things go bad really fast! Steve attempted to connect our two hoses to the spicket adjacent to the barn only to find that the short threading of the former prevented attachment. No problemmo once again. That’s why we brought extra water in case of an emergency for flushing the toilet, rinsing our hands, and nourishing the dog. Within a day we were able to get everything together but the spicket leaked badly, flooding the ground around the barn. Within another couple of days our gracious host purchased some new hoses, pulled everything together with a firm twist of a massive wrench, and all was well with the world.

The day we over-filled the black water tank underneath the trailer came as a surprise. Only 3 1/2 days had passed and we were nearly maxed out! By this point we had already dumped the gray water tank onto the ground ’cause hey, this is the country ya know? A little soapy water from the sink and shower is good for the land anyways. But dumping raw sewage even softened with an biodegradable enzyme tablet is not exactly the best gift to leave behind after a holiday weekend with relatives! This created a dilemma for me. I need to get up multiple times in the middle of the night pre and post-seizure episodes to use the facilities. Walking 50 yards in the dark to go into the house would surely keep me up more of the night than would be advisable to sacrifice. Somehow in the end, we made it to the max of our capacity just one day before departure and visiting the free dumping facilities of the Flying J truck stop north of Austin. It is amazing how much “stuff” that tank can hold!

And just when we thought the initiation of the newbie travel trailerers would be complete, there was one final challenge and it came in the light of day at the end of our stay. Ya know, we don’t intend to use the television anyways! My beloved whacked the T.V. antenna on a lower branch of a tree as we were preparing to leave KK Ranch. The mushroom shaped projection on the roof got sheared off at its base leaving a black cord dangling mercilessly from beyond our reach. Oh well. Our roof is more streamlined now!

Arriving in a foreign land in the middle of the night poses a test of character for even the most seasoned of married couples. In the end I had to smile at the interpretation each of us had at all of the unfortunate circumstances we faced together. While Steve was facing the elements in the crud and cool evening air when we arrived, I was setting up camp inside our humble abode and taking care of the pup. This is how we work as a team and that is nothing new for us. We both get busy completing the tasks at hand. The bigger picture was telling a different story however; we shared that one with each another after some sleep.

My beloved was concerned that I might be upset that he requested we drive very long days to get to our destination in just two days instead of the almost three days we spent over the same route last year. Arriving in the middle of the night came as a consequence of driving 12 or more hours each day and leaving later than expected trying to get everything prepared for each leg of our journey. On the other hand I was concerned he would be upset with me that we have to bother with all of this travel trailer stuff and expense to meet my health needs. When the Lord graciously provided the resources to purchase a new-used unit and outfit it according to my sensitivity needs I did not realize that I had overwhelmed Steve with this project. Making allergy-free cushions, finding the right wheel chocks, assembling enough linens from here and there, and so on was fun to focus on when so much of my time is spent in the throes of illness and recovery. In the end we worked through all of it and had some fun creating this new memory together.

Somewhere in the middle of this night in a land far away is another starry-eyed couple making a cross country journey. Somewhere in the course of things they will encounter wacky setbacks and have to go to bed with remnants of those unpleasantries still stuck to their feet between the sheets. I hope that they too will discover the wonder of it all: ’tis better to smile and say goodnight than to expect things to be perfect and crash into bed in a different heart-place. “Trust the process” has been my mantra over many years as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and over many trials. Besides if everything worked out right all of the time, what would we all blog about anyways?

Happy trails campers! JJ

Who God Is

Published on October 23, 2014October 24, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Love this post from a Calvary Chapel pastor, Joe Mann. He gave me permission to share this from his Facebook posting yesterday. Here is a great reminder of who God is paradoxically from the perspective of what He cannot do.

10 Things God Can’t Do:
1. God can’t get tired.
Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.—Isaiah 40:28
2. God can’t take on a job he can’t handle.
Ah, Lord God! Behold, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for you.—Jeremiah 32:17…
3. God can’t be unholy.
And one cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!”—Isaiah 6:3
4. God can’t be prejudiced.
In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality. But in every nation whoever fears him and works righteousness is accepted by him.—Acts 10:34-35
5. God can’t break a promise.
My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of my lips.—Psalm 89:34
6. God can’t remember sins he’s chosen to forget.
I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins.—Isaiah 43:25
7. God can’t make a loser.
Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ.—2 Corinthians 2:14
8. God can’t abandon you.
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.—Deuteronomy 31:6
9. God can’t stop thinking about you.
How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with you.—Psalm 139:17-18
10. God can’t stop loving you.
Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.—Jeremiah 31:3

These words bring me comfort today. I hope they do for you too, Gentle Reader. JJ

I am sure of it

Published on September 27, 2014September 27, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded4 Comments

Unlike the brain fog of this cartoon, I am going to get well. I am sure of it!

The second week into the use of an atypical chelating agent (Zeolite by Zeo Health) for very high mercury levels has brought more moments of mental clarity than I can ever remember in my entire life. Oh sure there are ongoing seizure attack episodes yet they are generally 50% improved overall!!!!!! I could not say this after any other treatment protocol attempted these past 3 years. I could not say this even after the initial relief from high CBD hemp oil (the industrial hemp counterpart to cannabis oil). I could not say this after antibiotics or Rife treatment with the Beam Ray. I did not say this after (27) IV infusions of magnesium last Fall. I could not say this after extensive and expensive mold remediation in 2013. Even after aggressive treatment for candida over 2 years, I could not say this. But I will say it again:

I AM GOING TO GET WELL!!!!!!

There is only one person to thank for this new direction: the Lord, Jesus Christ. At a time when multiple factors have come together at last, the path has cleared and hope is restored over here because of His mercy and grace. A key factor in this process is humility. More on that in a moment. I also want to thank my chiropractor: Dr. Lee Nagel at DeKalb Chiropractic Center in Waterloo, Indiana. He had a hunch early on in my care that I was suffering from mercury poisoning. After all, two hair analysis tests revealed mercury and other heavy metal toxicity in the year 2000 and again in 2011 but both times my respective Family Practice Physician (FPP) minimized the results. Both times the Dr. thought I would be unable to tolerate a special type of detoxification protocol called chelation that would be required to remove heavy metals. So off we went each time in another direction instead until my life of hell began with viral hepatitis October 11, 2011 and escalated into daily seizures beginning in March of 2012.

Dr. Nagle had high mercury levels discovered by his cardiologist. His health improved after treatment thus placing mercury issues on his clinical radar. Dr. Nagle, father of three, is one of the most adventurist and athletic people I have ever met (behind my beloved Stevers of course!). His chiropractic practice rarely includes medical testing but he made an exception with me. Thank you! It took a month to get the testing protocol right then the results revealed the shocking reality of a probable root cause of illness for me: very high mercury levels. (Please refer to this excellent summary to learn more about this devastating substance. Original citation available upon request.) After a false starts with a quack-y Dr. who claimed to provide chelation, my current FPP is guiding me in the use of chelation and increasing other gentle methods of detoxification that have worked well for me. By the way, my FPP has also recovered from mercury poisoning that almost took his life!

All of this is very humbling after 3 wretched years of illness and 23 years of chronic pain aka fibromyalgia. While I do recognize that I have a new, long course of treatment ahead of me, I am exceedingly grateful to discover a root cause of much of my suffering. Holy cow! A successful outcome could help more than the seizures. Yeah God! Both Steve and I are really hopeful this time. And it is with mental clarity at 4:30 in the morning that I write this to you! So grateful for the 3-hour nap earlier tonight. Yeah, the weird sleep schedule continues a bit!

And now about humility. These entire three years have presented challenges requiring me to trust God for everything up to my next breath. I submitted to the loving care of my gracious husband as he needed to carry me to the toilet a hundred times; help me to shower, feed or dress me when I could not about once per week; carry me to bed often so he would be near as he tried to catch some sleep before work, rush me off the emergency room FIVE TIMES, and so much more. Oh Gentle Reader, have you sensed that I am a recovering Type A personality? A first born of my siblings in my family of origin? That I started working when I was 16 years old with babysitting jobs before then? That I am capable of taking care of myself thank you very much? This is the longest and most extreme period of need that I have ever experienced. I have had to let go of everything during these past three years. At another time I will write about facing death when my breathing would freeze multiple times during seizure attack episodes. And with all of this, I did not die of embarrassment or lack of oxygen. My Heavenly Father and earthly husband have carried me through to this next season of recovery. I AM HUMBLED! Thank you seems too small. I love you both!

Briefly, there were two other tasks I believe needed to be completed during this time: 1) learning to depend completely upon my husband for material needs and 2) realizing that the little activities I got to do here and there would become new skills, new relationships, and new activities that would become my future. Both were tasks that probably would not have come without grounding in Jesus Christ or needing to cope with the crises of severe illness. I probably would not have seen so clearly and (hopefully) fully submitted to the incredible character strengths of my beloved had I not become so broken. Steve is my spiritual leader and head of household and I am grateful. Long before we met I know what it took when my life fell apart in 2003 to soften me into the kind of woman that my beloved would choose to love. I now see more clearly what kind of man the Lord has provided for me to love in return. I AM EXCEEDINGLY BLESSED!

So join me, if you will, for an amazing adventure of recovery from serious illness. IT IS HAPPENING! So much fun awaits! Thank you for riding along with me. May we both praise the Lord for the good that is here now.

Hope is a good thing, eh? I am sure of it. JJ

Psalm 62:5-8 (NIV)

⁵Yes, my soul, find rest in God;
    my hope comes from him.
⁶Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
⁷My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
⁸Trust in him at all times, you people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge.