chronic pain – Page 12 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Into the Night

Published on January 26, 2014January 26, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

I am finally awake, stable, and coherent all at the same time! It is now 12:48 a.m. Such is life.

On a good note, I was able to march around outside this evening in my snowshoes for about 30 minutes this evening. The night air felt bitterly cold yet the sky was clear with all of the stars visible in our Midwestern corner of the world. I love seeing our German Shepherd, Elle, jump from one snow drift to the other as she chases after my husband and me. But perhaps my most favorite moment was seeing her waiting for me as she looked into the house from outside on our covered porch. Steve had taken off cross country skiing in the backyard and pond area. She usually follows him closely, often pouncing behind him in his tracks when the snow is deep. Today she knew that I would be headed out with him shortly after he left and there she was: waiting with her big expectant brown eyes. Ah the love of one’s pup!

Sometimes when I am alone it is hard to feel the love that I know exists in my life. When I am the sickest each morning this is especially true. For me it seems that so much of the success of recovering from this time of illness will lie in what I do with the grief of the trauma I have experienced. For over two years now, I have felt traumatized by the wretched seizure attack episodes that wrench my body with pain, headaches, cognitive changes, ringing in my ears, crying, spontaneous vocalizations, and violent seizing. For over two months, the episodes last around four hours total per day with the worst ones occurring in the evening. The sadness can be overwhelming; the disappointment each time they return can be heavily discouraging. Both can lead to a sense of emptiness that is devoid of love, hope, and meaning. At some point I recover enough from an attack to get something to eat or drink. Even eye contact with the lone pet left behind with me when everyone else in my life has gone off to work or some other noble activity can be a mixed blessing: comforting and protective (yes) yet a pittance for more meaningful human contact. By the way, where is God?

Yes, I often long for Jesus with skin on at these times. I am grateful that most recently I have found Him in the caring voice of a friend on the phone and always in the loving embrace of my beloved Steve. Sometimes I miss picking up the phone and calling my mom. This desire to connect with her seems stronger the more the years go by since she passed away nearly seven years ago. I guess it is normal when a person goes through a time of testing or sorrow to desire the comfort and wisdom of a parent no matter what your current age might be. If my mom were still alive today I think she would want me to keep moving, keep going, keep trying despite the setbacks. O.K. mom: will do. For tonight I’m going to call on the One who sees me whether or not my husband is around, the dog is awake, a friend is home to answer the phone, or my self-soothing words in my heart to my deceased mother means anything. I’m going to the throne of grace.

My dear friend mentioned Psalm 91 yesterday. Here are some gems from the Psalm to which those with an anxious heart often turn:

Psalm 91

¹Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.²I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

**************

¹⁴“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

From Bibleclassics.com I found this little gem of insight into Psalm 91 that spoke to my heart this night: “Whatever happens, nothing shall hurt the believer; though trouble and affliction befal, it shall come, not for his hurt, but for good, though for the present it be not joyous but grievous. Those who rightly know God, will set their love upon him. They by prayer constantly call upon him. His promise is, that he will in due time deliver the believer out of trouble, and in the mean time be with him in trouble. The Lord will manage all his worldly concerns, and preserve his life on earth, so long as it shall be good for him. For encouragement in this he looks unto Jesus.”

Yes, thank you Matthew Henry. I will hold onto the psalmist’s words of comfort inspired by my Lord who sees me on my bed of sickness, who promises He will never leave me or forsake me. And if it be His will, He will deliver me from my suffering. Into this night and for the rest of my nights I will ultimately rest in the loving arms of the one who is showing me His goodness despite the darkness. No matter what the next day might bring I will trust You. No matter what the next hour may bring I will wait on You.

No matter what you too may endure Gentle Reader, I hope that you will be encouraged that your sadness or disappointment does not go unnoticed by the Lord who loves you too. He is worthy of our faith. And I know if we both but believe in Him, we will be blessed in some special way that will transcend our nights, our days. In the meantime He will not frustrate us beyond our ability to cope and will provide a way out when overwrought with temptation. These are promises in His Word and truths by which we can endure all things. We will never be alone. His eyes will always be smiling towards us through the looking glass of life. JJ

I’m stuck to my chair!

Published on January 22, 2014January 22, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded5 Comments

Again it seems that my greatest clarity of thought arrives after 3:00 a.m.! Such a strange phenomenon. I am always amazed at all of us web crawlers on Facebook at this tender hour. So I’m not alone after all. So it’s o.k. then, right?

Sometimes I’m not so sure I’m doing this thing right: trying to recover from a serious illness that is. The findings, colorful cords, and beading wonders of Trinity Jewelry by Design sit right behind me, untouched for almost 2 months. The creative juices appear to be flowing more through the keyboard than the macramé knotting board these days. Who can think in color when just three hours earlier I was nearly wretching from the noxious seizing of my once functional central nervous system? Tics of organic origin. Non-epileptic seizures. Whatever. I miss the once creative and functional Julie!

My beloved Steve is so gracious with me at these low times. All I could do tonight was yelp and squeak a bit as he sat within earshot in our nightly arrangement of sorts. I muttered a “help” and he came near, warming my frigid hands and feet with his comforting frame. The episode continued, alas, for another hour or more. Frankly, I lost track of time. All I know is that I did not make dinner this evening; I’ve got another shot at making his lunch for work tomorrow after we part ways tonight Gentle Reader. Looks like I’ll be able to pull some good eats together this evening after all.

In the song by Casting Crowns, Mark Hall sings of praising the Lord in the heartache of life’s storms. Perhaps you remember this moving Lifesong ballad from 2006?

Praise you in the Storm

Yes, and perhaps you remember me posting it in a previous blog last year as well. No big deal. No matter how many times it takes, no matter how many tears may fall, and no matter how many blog posts you may endure the message will still be the same: my face is towards my Immanuel through the storm to the rainbow waiting for me at it’s end. Period. There is nothing else for me to do. My Lord has seen fit to keep me here with lightening bolts running through my mind each day. Seizures can kill people. I am still here. For me the seizure attacks are a bit of a right of passage. The more I have, the more my angst turns into breaths of anticipation. What will come with the next breath? No worries about tomorrow. The moment here and now! If my mind wanders to anything stressful, the symptoms worsen. So I am learning to live in the length of one breath at a time. One s-i-n-g-l-e b-r-e-a-t-h at a time.

No wonder it is difficult to leave my chair most evenings! I am weak and tooling around on the computer is certainly a step up from lying there, writhing in bed. Nausea and sweats can increase if I do too much unless there is some sort of a clearing phenomenon first. When that happens I do as much as I possibly can before the freedom ends. Sometimes I’m not quite finished with a task when sickness returns; it’s always a bit tricky when that happens. And that’s when the Lord adds His incredible increase, endurance, grace. I cling to the God-breathed promises of His Holy Word and He delivers me without fail. This is where my spiritual gift of faith comes from: witnessing His faithfulness in my times of need. Faith brings hope as well.

He is worthy of your cries my friend. No matter how big or how small, the God of infinite mercy and love is ready, willing, and able to receive the desires of your heart. If you don’t believe me then your definition of God is not big enough. ‘Nuff said.

I guess it’s time to get up now. Will it be leftover barbeque meatloaf or smoked turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow? Gee, maybe I can even melt some cheese on the bread for a tasty treat. I love spoiling my Stevers. He is so good to me. :J

The Writing is Divine

Published on January 20, 2014January 22, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Magazines have always held my interest more than novels, textbooks, or even the subtitles of an award-winning foreign film. I just don’t have the attention span for more than a couple of thousand words in a row! I guess that perfectly places me in the realm of the lone blogger, hacking out short articles of inspiration (or perspiration?) well into the dead of night.

And not everyone’s rants hold my fancy for the five to twenty minute allotment I’m willing to spend. Take the Editor’s column in a popular automobile magazine that graces my husband’s setting at the kitchen table every month. This car guy’s language is so thick with adjectives, metaphors, and strained attempts to make an inanimate, mechanical object organic that I grit my teeth to get from the beginning to the end. Just say it plainly Sir Editor! He probably has a journalism degree. I suppose that gives him license to use more words, write longer sentences. Not me.

I am moved by the languid composition of words that flows like butter running off a freshly boiled ear of corn. Gotcha, didn’t I? Just couldn’t resist! Perhaps the best example of the terse and poetic, the impactful and inspired comes from God’s Holy Bible. The Word of God is an amazing work that tells of the physical and supernatural, good and evil, things infinite and small, and everything in between. Where else can reading a single verse change a person’s destiny forever?

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning. ³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. (John 1)

In the wonderful mystery that is God, we find power in His Word and receive His indwelling Spirit when we come to know Him as Lord and Savior. I do not claim to understand how this works by reading and meditating on a few chapters in the Bible. Mentioning it here simply illustrates the finding that the power of a written word comes from the author’s mastery of the subject matter and his ability to communicate it to the reader. For the Bible, the God of the universe brings us Himself and everything we need for life in His handbook for living as communicated to faithful men of God who wrote it down for us to read. His Holy Spirit stirs within us as we dwell in the presence of the King’s scrolls. Moreover, we come to understand who He is, His plan for our lives, and are drawn into fellowship with Him. This fellowship can last forever if we but believe what He has written for us, summed up nicely in John 3:16:

¹⁶For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Now these are words that draw my heart and mind in a meaningful embrace: the promise of living forever with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Such a simple message really and yet one that changes everything. Let’s see it in action in a little longer passage from the Old Testament, often called the bedtime Psalm:

Psalm 121: A song of ascents.

¹I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

²My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

³He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber; (italics added)

⁴indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

⁶the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

⁷The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

⁸the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Now I can sure wrap my mind around these timeless and comforting images written long ago. I started a Bible-reading plan through “The Bible App” on my Android phone at the end of last year. I love it! (There’s even a narration option for listening to the verses spoken aloud.) Reading 3 to 4 chapters per day beginning in the book of Genesis goes quickly in this plan for reading the entire Bible in a year. While I do not understand all of the ancient culture, I am amazed at the Lord’s attention to every detail in the lives of His people. His love and care translates to you and I as well in the present day, when we spend a little time reading His Divine Word. I am so glad to have found the best writer of all time and hope that my own words will honor Him too.

Well, there it is. Simply stated and inspired by the One who wrote this special message on my heart for me to share with you today. No words are more important than His. Will you join me in spending a little time reading the Bible each day? I promise you that it will be worth any amount of time you devote to dwell in His presence.

My Story in Brief

Published on January 18, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Here’s a brief overview of my wacky journey to date, written for another blogger. I’m hanging tough as this time of illness continues, leaning on the Lord and witnessing His grace in my life every day. I have so much for which to be grateful! You too? :J

First Name: Julie
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Where do you live? Fort Wayne, Indiana

When/Where do you suspect that you contracted Lyme? My doctor suggested it as a possibility in January of 2012. He’s a family practice physician and chiropractor.

When did you first begin to feel ill or start to notice strange symptoms? I have had fibromyalgia since 1992 in addition to some thyroid and female/hormonal issues. Regardless, I was the fittest I had ever been in my life when I became extremely ill with viral hepatitis in October of 2011, after kayaking in a local reservoir. When was unable to recover as time passed, my LLMD suggested underlying Lyme and that I read about mold illness too.

What were they? The worst symptoms included: ongoing nausea, increased muscle pain and headaches, decreased activity tolerance, worsened ringing in my ears, back pain, lightheadedness, extreme fatigue, fractionated sleep, and genital, stomach, and dental pain.

How many doctors did you see before reaching an accurate diagnosis? If you start from the fibromyalgia diagnosis in 1992, the number would be around 60 including chiropractors and a naturopathic physician. If you start with October of 2011, it would be 2: the emergency room NP and my LLMD.

Were you misdiagnosed with anything prior to being diagnosed with Lyme? If so, what? It’s unclear if the myriad of health issues over the past two decades are related to Lyme Disease or not. I started treating for Lyme (first with antibiotics then a Rife machine; supplements too) after confirmation of the diagnosis from biomeridian or electro-dermal testing in January of 2012. A year later we discovered that we had mold in our home and remediated our entire home. I had a significant history of mold exposure in a work setting about 6 years earlier and a genetic disposition that favored mold illness more than Lyme disease. Another year later and currently, a systemic yeast infection (level 3 of 4 levels) has taken center stage in my course of treatment. The treatment of Candida has been as difficult as that for Lyme or mold!

What are the main symptoms that you experience currently? Virtually every day I feel like I have the flu, experience muscle and joint pain, endure headaches/neck headaches, and battle weakness and fatigue. The other symptoms noted above persist as well.

The WORST SYMPTOM by far is that of seizure-like episodes! The first episode happened one month after the onset of viral hepatitis. Then I had no episodes until I began treating for Lyme disease with the Rife machine and after the initial trial course of 5 weeks of antibiotics. Seizure attack episodes thus began around April of 2012 and have gradually worsened since then: generally up to 4 hours per day! If I did not have a personal relationship with the Lord, Jesus Christ, I would not be able to endure this personal hell.

What does your treatment regimen look like? I can no longer tolerate virtually all of the supplements or compounded medications for Lyme or mold illness without the seizure attacks escalating into convulsions! I have maintained an increasingly and very strict Candida and mold-free diet for the past year. Treatment focuses on Candida (rotating anti-fungal meds. & supplements as tolerated); I am no longer able to tolerate the compounded medications of Dr. Shoemaker’s protocol for Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome (www.survivingmold.com)

How much do your symptoms prevent you from living a normal life? My life is severely restricted to chemical/fragrance-and-mold-free environments and settings void of loud music and bright lights. I have not attended our church in about 8 months as it is a water-damaged building. Physical deconditioning restricts former activities including kayaking, bicycling, walking and gardening. I am grateful for the occasional exceptions and was able to maintain some raised bed gardens this past year. Yeah God! Travelling is particularly difficult and severely exacerbates seizure attack episodes no matter what precautions we try! After 30 years as an occupational therapist, including adapting my career with various events of my life, I have not been able to work in 2 years. I miss working!

What do you like to do in your free time and how is this different than before you were sick? As tolerated, I blog in the middle of the night at: http://www.justjuliewrites.com on topics incorporating my faith in God and hoping to encourage others with my story of recovery from chronic illness. I am grateful to have published an eBook this past October entitled: Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year In August of 2012, I started making macramé hemp jewelry to keep myself sane; today I am grateful to offer jewelry from two missionary organizations helping families at risk. A donation will be made to Ianna House (a residence for persons with Lyme Disease) for all Lyme disease awareness items purchased at: Trinity Jewelry by Design.

What do you want people to know about Lyme? Examine carefully and journal your symptoms (response to treatment, etc.), do online research especially at http://www.ilads.org including vector-borne co-infections, join online Lyme forums, do IGenex testing (www.igenex.com), find an experienced Lyme AND mold literate physician (s), and consider several treatment options as you begin this long journey to healing.

What are you most thankful to have gained, or what important lessons have you learned, from your experience with Lyme? I don’t know how anyone can recover from this difficult illness without two things: 1) the love, care, and support of other people in your life and 2) faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ who loves you, sees your suffering, grieves with you, and will carry you through the ups and downs of this difficult journey. He is our true source of hope! When struggling with hours of seizures at night, He meets me there every time and comforts my weary heart, my weary soul, my weary frame. Sharing my faith with you is my reassurance that this experience won’t be wasted! I welcome your thoughts and would love to meet you, Gentle Reader, through my blog (www.justjuliewrites.com) or on Facebook at: Hope Beyond Lyme. Take care, Julie

Where have I gone?

Published on January 1, 2014January 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Sometimes I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I have used many words for myself such as Julie Anne, Recovering Type A, Recovering Catholic, Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Jul, Child of the King, Snookums, Just Julie, and Booberry. Many other labels inside my head will not make it to this blog as they are unkind and reflect the stinking thinking that was an outcome of my childhood. While I have come a long way there is still so much to do!

My biggest challenge these days is having some kind of identity when my world is smaller; there is less going on. I am sick a lot of the time. I am isolated most days. I go fewer places, see fewer people, engage in fewer activities, and generally do less than at any other time in my life for longer than any other time in my life. Whilst engaging in various activities a person engages in various roles that comprise one’s identity, for example: friend, church goer, Master Gardener, sister, sister in Christ, kayaker, exercise enthusiast, and so on. All of the roles that I have mentioned have severely diminished for me in the past 2 years because of a serious illness. I do not know when this will change. The tendency is to ask the question, “where have I gone?”

I really miss my life before illness. Sure it wasn’t perfect. I still had chronic pain, went to the doctor and had some type of treatment for pain a couple of times per month, and limited my work schedule to a maximum of 30 hours per week. But I was also the most physically fit I had been in my entire life, had the greatest financial freedom that I have ever had, enjoyed rewarding work as an occupational therapist with a flexible schedule, and went to lots of neat places with my amazing husband. My mind was sharp, my confidence was growing, and I felt really loved. Things are more mushy now. Most of the time I feel lost. I am not even convinced I have the correct diagnosis or treatment plan. So this translates into the reality that I don’t really know when I will be well again. This is tough stuff indeed.

And yet there are many new activities that have emerged these past two years. While I don’t work in all-things-gardening as much, I did become an Advanced Master Gardener AFTER I got sick. That was an amazing and humbling accomplishment! The Lord gave me the opportunity to explore blogging, learn more about social media, publish an eBook (Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year), learn to make macramé jewelry, and launch an online jewelry business (Trinity Jewelry by Design). I’ve made some amazing friends via a local Lyme Support Group in addition to some compassionate folks online. I have kept a journal for most of my life and now my blog has a growing list of really cool followers from around the world. Talk about humbling! Wow. If only you could see my heart right now, transforming from an identity crisis between the lines of this blog tonight to a woman with a vision. You do that for me, Gentle Reader, guided by the Holy Spirit. Thank you for listening as this gets worked out within me . . .

If we were to examine the experiences of my life, we would probably agree that I have had a life that has been harder than most. Over and over again I have had to find Little Julie then Jul and Just Julie amidst a firestorm of hurt, loss, and strife. I have come to understand that the Lord has had His guiding hand, loving arms, and protective wing around me all along where the good people and perks of life were missing. He has allowed the trials and tears to bring me closer to Himself, to help me to see beyond the circumstances around me. The Lord has shown me that the bad stuff was not wasted or intended to hurt me. The Lord wants me to be complete and allows all this to conform me into the image of Christ. I pray that I will not lose heart during the refiner’s fire. I pray that I will see His blessings soon as I have seen so many times in the past. I just gotta hang on a little longer, let Him carry me a little more.

Where have I gone? I am in another wilderness experience like Moses and the Israelites of the Old Testament who wandered in the hot, dry desert for decades wondering if they would ever be “there yet.” I must keep my eyes on Jesus: the light that leads and the cloud that blots out the forces of evil that taunt my doubts, fester my feelings of inadequacy. It just doesn’t matter anymore where I have gone. What matters now is where am I going?

Happy new year, Gentle Reader. Will you go with Him too in 2014?