Today I am recovering from a terrible setback. Turns out the herbal remedy from New Zealand with promising research is horrible for me in my battle with Candida Enteritis. Will go back to my gentler protocol while I await results from testing that I will submit this week. Thereafter I will schedule with a new clinic and in many ways, start over.
Sometimes, the dinosaur wins.
“We all have one past, but many possible futures,” stated Canadian hockey player Guy LaFleur, in an interview at his retirement (as quoted in the February 2014 newsletter of RZIM ministries).
24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. (The apostle Paul speaking in Acts 20:24)
Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. (Proverbs 4:25-26)
Oh to be able to empty myself of yesterday and walk forth into tomorrow with great expectation! To live in the moment with hope that what comes will be filled with the Lord’s tender mercies and grace is to really live freely in Christ. And to know that the struggles of the day will work itself into a beautiful tapestry of my eternal life that has already begun, well, that’s really head-y man!
When I was researching yet another new dietary approach to the illness I endure, I realized how many times I have done this work before. Over and over again I have sat here at our computer and continued to research solutions to the treatment failures in the past. I admit that the new ideas don’t always come from the Lord, however. Who else would come up with a way to make turnips to fit a Candida, mold-free, and low oxalate diet? (Chuckle.) I believe it is the Lord who inspires the best of what comes from me through the Holy Spirit and then provides just enough energy to get me there. For example, I had an unexpected, Divine appointment with a friend who happened to be in the lobby of our doctor’s office on Friday. She needed prayer badly! The Lord in his mercy used me to step out in faith and pray with her right then and there. The fellowship moved each of us. The moment would have been missed if the Lord had orchestrated the events for me to leave the building just a few minutes earlier or later . . .
But really, until I started writing this I always thought that deep down inside I was someone who carried the events of my sordid childhood on my sleeve. My utility to this world was somehow limited because of my past. I thought that the facts that I came from a broken home, witnessed and experienced abuse, grew up lacking basic provisions at times, and didn’t find Jesus Christ until I had spiraled out of control as a young adult limited who I would eventually become someday. Even if my outward appearance showed a measure of success, the inner woundedness kept me from enjoying it. For example, I have had to remember to smile: the joy just isn’t there a lot of the time to beam out from within me. This should have changed when I found Jesus and entered into a personal, saving relationship with Him. He redeemed my sin and began to fill the emptiness in my heart reserved only for Him. Why wasn’t it enough?
I’m not sure I have the answer to that just yet. I do know that sometimes we are our own worst enemies, eh? We get in the way of what the Lord has planned for our lives, the opportunities he places before us and noticing the lovely little niceties he sprinkles around us to show us His love. His love is always around us. It’s my opportunity to let more of it dwell within me and let my eyes find it around me too. And when that happens, more of Him flows through me to others, to my work, to my walk in this life with Him. I can see that it is happening despite my weakness; I just haven’t recognized it enough. I’m worried about appearing humble and making sure I “keep the gate closed” on the sordid remnants of my past. Maybe I don’t need another few years of psychotherapy to figure it all out. I just need to wait on Him. He is leading me more than I realize! And if that means anything to you, well let’s give God the glory! Like Patsy Clairmont says in her book of the same title, God Uses Cracked Pots (1991) like me.
We all have one past. Healing the hurts from our past requires grieving, reflection, restoration, and the passing of time. But carrying it around and letting those wounds drag down the current day that has enough challenges of its own is a mistake. Cut the ties to the past and live mindfully in the present. Don’t deny who you are or your unique story. Tell it to others who need to hear . . . talk about it with your heavenly Father who has sustained you to grow you into the man or woman you are today. The possibilities of an amazing future awaits, adventures big and tiny, and we don’t want to miss them do we?
Say, I saw a gathering of robins (that signal the first sign of Spring in the Midwest) playing in a couple of feet of snow the other day when I was coming home from that doctor appointment. I was exhausted as I turned the corner in my truck and some yucky stuff happened later that evening. All of these events were in the mix of the activities of my day. The bottom line is that the robins are back! That is just sweet enough to warm my heart and the tips of my fingers in my fingertip less gloves as I type into the wee hours of the morning (until it’s time to take my final saliva sample for a lab test at the correct time interval, that is!).
Talk about cracked pots . . . JJ
13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. (John 16)
Jesus spoke these words as he was instructing the disciples about the Holy Spirit they would receive at Pentecost. These words came hours before He was to be arrested, tried and convicted of crimes He did not commit. He would be tortured, beaten and crucified in fulfillment of the scriptures that were written hundreds of years before He was born. All of this happened so we could be saved from the consequences of our sin and live forever with Him in heaven. For those who believe in Him, He dwells in their hearts, comforted and counseled by the Holy Spirit. Call it supernatural intuition if you like. Sometimes you just know something to be true, the right way to go. For followers of Jesus Christ, walking in the Spirit of truth is a smidgen of heaven on earth: one’s heart can be at peace at last.
I experienced this today. A phone consultation with a second physician within a week brought hope. I felt like my heart was at home in her care. I was moved to tears when Dr. B. confided in me her faith in the Lord, shared how she had reviewed my records at length in preparation for our appointment, and led me through a plan that incorporated everything that has transpired in the past 2 years. She has experienced biotoxin illness herself and has worked with the leading authority in the United States on this topic. Her gentleness calmed my fears. She listened. Hey guys: I am going to get well!
This next phase in my “Hope Beyond Lyme” journey will likely take another year. The treatment steps will include baby steps such as 1/4 tablets of medication, micro nutrition, retesting at better labs, and plenty of out-of-pocket expenses. At this point I am trusting the Lord to provide, to guide. My husband has been a great spiritual leader during this time of illness and I know he will lead us in these next steps as well. I am so glad I followed his advice not to fly across the country for medical consultations! We could not have afforded it anyways. And now the Lord has provided help from a clinic just a 2 1/2 hour car ride away. Pure Michigan. I’m going home to my home State for healing!
O.K. I don’t know if everything will be rosy but hey, I have hope again. Gentle Reader, isn’t that just swell? :J
There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is. There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle. Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life. The dangling participle is apropos. I am lost as to my exact location. All I know is how I got here. I have no idea what the game plan is. Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.
I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time. Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless. I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on). And then a new problemmo emerges. Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose. That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database. Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test. “Look me in the eye!” is all I am asking. Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?” After all, that is why I am there! I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed. Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point. While I do believe that I will be well someday even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.
The bottom line for me is this: I am not well and it is not changing.
Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write. There is nothing left to say. I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit. There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening. That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ. You know my aching heart. You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life. You saw this breaking point long before it came. All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up. I give up. Take me as I am. 
Sorry, Gentle Reader. This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.
Sometimes in life things do not occur in any sane, logical order. Well after the original Creation of all things, that is! Before Creation there was only God and we came with His speaking into existence time, space, the earth, and so on. All I can say is that after I was born a lot of things happened in a fairly reasonable sequence. However after I became an adult that all changed!
I started my career, graduated with a Masters degree, and was married 12 years without ever having had any children. I see now the paradoxical blessing of never having had a family as a young woman; it just didn’t make sense why this happened as the years went on until more recently. It was the Lord’s plan for my life. Regardless I now have had the privilege of “adopting” my intended beloved husband’s grandson this past year and it is GRAND! I love it! Sitting here in the great State of Indiana following the stream of photos on Facebook of little Jackson and his parents in North Carolina is the new replacement for dinner-with-the-family on Sunday afternoons. Well o.k. Works for me.
Ah yes, work. I began my career as an occupational therapist, dabbled in worker’s compensation insurance, ventured into a home business three times (where I continue now as a hobby), bounced back after a few orthopedic injuries, and landed in an extended medical leave two years ago. I would have thought that I would be more vulnerable to such a serious illness when undergoing some of the more significant and stressful transitions in my life but it didn’t happen that way. Illness came when I was happily married, living closer to my hometown of Detroit, Michigan, secure in my relationship with the Lord, and largely homebound in a pretty place with a cool dog too. I have never felt more loved and it came after age 47, not as a baby girl. Works for me.
And there it is again. Work. My training as an occupational therapist brings a fascination with all things “work:” from the menial tasks of housekeeping to the time-and-motion requirements of an assembly line worker. I am amazed at the inner workings and outer performance capabilities of the human frame in addition to our ability to love, to hate, to dream. Later in life I would also come to know the Creator of mankind as my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ: the One who made me and you in His image. Oh how lovely He must be for all of us to be a copy of His humanity! My life has been a wacky journey of discovery for all that He has made and gifted me to be; my weaknesses in addition to my strengths are crafted at His hand, in His time. This brings me to the current day.
I received a job notification from a prominent continuing education company for a part time Lead Occupational Therapy Education Planner. Wow, that sounds cool! The Planner would assist in the development and promotion of continuing education courses for occupational therapists and occupational therapy assistants nationwide. I have spent my entire career continuing my love for learning as I moved from one specialty area to another, adapting from one work setting and set of skills to another. Then when illness struck and continued into the year 2012, the Lord guided me into an online jewelry business. I knew very little about ecommerce at the time! Within a year I am grateful to report that I had customers from most sections of the United States and had learned a variety of jewelry-making techniques. I could adapt my creative schedule any time of day or night. And the marketing and writing skills of previous endeavors got applied and developed further, including photography and the use of social media.
Even with all of that, my greatest joy lies right here with you. This blog has received my heart, my hopes, my fears, my dreams, my failures, and my successes too. You have been there for me, Gentle Reader, through yet another transition in my life. I have recently doubted my ability to return to gainful employment due to the nature of the illness in my life. And yet the skills of reading, writing, creating, and social networking have grown despite any hardship. So I applied for the position! I included the online business, eBook, and this blog as accomplishments of late. It’s just like an occupational therapist to examine the skills needed to get through the day and a person’s ability to match it to what is needed in his or her life. This is exactly what I have done these past 2 years and in considering this new venture.
Thank you, Lord, for creating me as an occupational therapist. You knew the skills I would need to navigate the events of my life and breathed the seeds of them into me decades ago. And if it is your will that I move forward with gainful employment with this new company, then I am ready for this challenge. I don’t need to know if it’s the right timing, if I need to do something else first as in the chicken or egg dilemma. I’ll just trust you with all of the details. How timely that earlier today I was talking with a friend about her preparation and experiences attempting to return to work after a personal leave of absence. I place both of us at your throne of grace that your wisdom and strength would infill both of us for the opportunities that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. JJ
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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