No Whining!
Tag: chronic pain
Getting there, slow but sure
That’s something my Grandma L used to say when we asked her how she was doing. It didn’t matter if she was in the hospital recovering from a bout of shingles or adjusting to a new living situation: she had an upbeat disposition that covered anything that wasn’t quite right in her world.
Below are a couple of treats to share with you as I slowly venture back into making macramé and leather jewelry. This hobby is a great creative outlet and another way to connect with others when someone fancies an item from my online jewelry shop: Trinity Jewelry by Design. Take a look and find some new and cute wrap-style bracelets with new beaded leather bracelets on their way soon! Click on the images for more information on each item. :J
For Whom the Bell Tolls
Therefore, send not to ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. (John Donne, 1624. Meditation 17. Devotions upon urgent occasions.)
Such is the reflection of these famous words scripted by John Donne and later repeated by Ernest Hemmingway in one of his most famous works of literature. The intent of each author is to emphasize the interdependence of humanity; no man can truly live or function as an island. Whether we live or die, honor God or blaspheme His name, our actions at some point will touch the lives of others around us given time and opportunity.
Case in point: I’ll never forget that day in Dominicks, a grocery store in the west suburbs of Chicago, Illinois. It was my day off from work and I was picking up a few groceries before heading home. I’m not sure why I was dressed up while running a few errands . . . I do recall wearing my nice and warm, long wool coat to fend off the early Spring chill still lingering outside. Suddenly at the end of the aisle was my good friend’s dad! He said a cherry “hello” and explained that he was in town visiting for some family occasion. Mr. Y. always had a gracious way about him: asking permission to tell you another story or joke before parting ways. He laughed about me humoring an older person by talking with him or something like that then shared a quick note to give his regards to my husband. I looked him straight in the eye. He had no idea.
Immediately Mr. Y knew something was wrong. I walked closer to him, recognizing that I was about to open my heart in the middle of a grocery store aisle! My former spouse was discovered in an affair less than 3 weeks before. Intervention from our church had begun and my life was in turmoil as my heart was still reeling in crisis mode. It didn’t help that my grandmother had also died and I was in the middle of facilitating the refinancing of our home (not knowing if I would be living there in the future or not). All of that stuff was about me and my drama. What I did not expect was the look on Mr. Y’s face when I told him my story. Do you know that look in the movies when someone has just been punched in the stomach so hard the person could not breathe? The smile on his face turned to anguish. He could not speak.
Mr. Y’s reaction showed me the reality of love between the body of believers or those who call Jesus Christ Lord and Savior. We bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We know what it means from a human level, a heart level, and a violation of God’s plan for us when a brother in Christ falls. Craig probably never realized that his actions affected so many people and perhaps did not care. This was astounding to me. He was a leader in our Bible church and a gifted Sunday school teacher. Craig excelled in his work in the mental health field, loved working out, and was quite good at photography. He loved a good philosophical discussion and we had many. It is a matter of history that my coming to faith in Christ was facilitated by these very sessions: Craig helped answer many of my questions and led us to both a seeker-friendly church then a smaller, more intimate body of believers. I got saved because I dated Craig. In that Bible church is where I had met Mr. Y and became good friends with his daughter, Deb. Friends like this are closer than my own family at times.
So where am I going with all of this? When I am home alone every day, not even leaving the house for days on end, of course it is easy to forget the love of dear friends and family in my life. Sure the pup looks up at me with soft brown eyes when I walk into the kitchen but it’s just not the same! My intended beloved, Steve, is away from home a lot and often into the early evening. Since I don’t feel well most of the time I just stay home if I don’t have an appointment or urgent need for food! This week was particularly dry in this regard. As it turns out, most of the week was devoted to adjusting to a new treatment we’re hoping will eliminate the daily seizure-like episodes. I slept or moped about most of the week anyways; I didn’t notice that I was by myself as the quiet was itself healing medicine. When I come out of this fog of late and I’m still isolated at home, I must remember that I am totally never alone.
Do you have this confidence Gentle Reader? We are connected by this blog. For that I am humbled and honored, that you have taken the time to step closer to me. We probably resonate some on the issues of life or you would not have chosen to stop by when so many other bloggers have their own yada yada yada to share. Our connection will be even more meaningful to me if I know that it goes beyond my stories and our simple humanity to the very essence of what gives meaning to life: a shared faith in God through His son, Jesus Christ. If you do not yet have the peace, love, and joy that comes from knowing the Lord intimately then I invite you to step before the throne of grace today. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and seek Him with a sincere heart through the Bible, His words. When we repent and invite Jesus into our hearts we receive the indwelling of the Holy Spirit; we are never alone again. Please tell me what you find, k?
For those of you who share the love of Christ already: I look forward to meeting with you one day! Whether in this life or the next, we’re going to have a great time celebrating the glorious riches of a life surrendered to our King. Standing in the presence of the Lord will wash away our tears and troubles bringing joy beyond what we could ever see today. May the glimpses of His holiness and glory in the goodness that surrounds each of us sustain you, encourage you, and lift you up until we arrive in our eternal home. Therein the bell will toll with tales of triumph for all of us. Such a sweet sweet sound that will be!
Like a River Glorious
In his first solo CD, Huntley Brown clinked the keys of a grand piano with such magnificent flow that it sounded like the rushing waters of a mighty river. Check it out yourself on You Tube at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=up1ygB0ZYes I first heard this amazing piece when he was first performing in churches across the United States about 20 years ago. This native born Jamaican had surely witnessed the glory of majestic waters crashing upon the sandy beaches of his homeland. Yes! I can picture it. How about you?
The imagery of a river is meaningful to me. When I was a child I fell into a river when helping groom a trail along the Clinton River in Michigan. It was part of a day camp experience and I was scared then upset because I had to stay in my muddy, wet clothes for the rest of the day! Oh the trials of childhood!
Trials indeed. When I would break down into tears as a young girl my brother, Mike, would taunt me mercilessly. He stood in front of me with the palms of his hands facing upwards and sneered, “cry me a river!!!” I burned with anger. He had no idea the pain underneath those tears that finally spilled down onto my face after holding so much hurt inside: hurt with no safe place to go. I had endured two of three sexual abusers by this age: the damage was done. No river could contain my tears, or at least that is how it felt, should the “dam ever break open.”
Flash forward 40 years. The abusers are now deceased and forgiven; my heavenly Father has filled the hurt with His amazing grace and love. I married my intended beloved and he introduced me to kayaking on the rivers of Fort Wayne, Indiana. We began on the water together in a Hobie Oasis (i.e. a pedal-driven kayak) until I progressed to a solo Think Fit Sea Kayak. By October of 2011, I was in the best physical shape of my life despite an underlying chronic pain condition and had upgraded to a beginner surf ski kayak: the Stellar SR. For almost three years my husband and I had enjoyed kayaking with a local recreational group on Tuesday nights all summer through the early Fall. The wonder of the rivers and waterways we explored together eventually changed my perception of them; after all I had grown up by the polluted Detroit River, downriver from the steel mills! Rivers? Yuck! Boating on the water back then for me meant exploring the Five Great Lakes and clear blue inland lakes of Michigan by speedboat not human-powered slo-mo vessels!
Well who knew that Indiana was so beautiful? We witnessed young deer up close, sneaking to the edge of the water for a drink and Great Blue Herons feeding their young in the tops of trees. Paddling with a gaggle of 20 or more colorful kayaks with double-bladed paddles gently sliding through the water was a really cool sight to see. For the first time in my life I felt “cool!” The evening excursions were sweetened by the chocolate chip and peanut butter monster cookies from a fellow kayaker as the sun was setting over the boat launch at the end of the day. The sunset is simply glorious on the waters of a river winding through the woodland . . .
It sure is a curious thing that the most significant episode of illness in my life would begin after kayaking in a local reservoir and river. The complicated course of events that followed prevented me from all but limited excursions on the water for the next two and one-half years. I’ve now sold both kayaks mentioned here and we have replaced them with solo and tandem outrigger canoes. My balance skills have suffered of late so the Hawaiian-style outrigger provides stability with maximum performance. After all, Steve is a competitive kayak racer so we are grateful to have fast and great gear along with really cool looking boats! Lord willing, I look forward to getting on the water again sometime this year.
And so I was praying, crying out to the Lord recently when the most difficult parts of this illness had led to feelings of despair. Perhaps you read the previous blog entitled, “Psalm 71?” Yeah, I hit rock bottom a couple of nights ago. Within a day the Lord led me through His Holy Spirit to an understanding of where I am and where all of this might be going. This did not come with exacting answers of time or place initially. I came to understand that the process of searching a new treatment option was like that of waters moving from one place to the next. The Lord placed me in the middle of the stream of new research and methodically led me through the steps of discovery to a new treatment modality. I will write more about what it is another time. What I will say here is that I am in awe that there were no barriers along the way just an open current, if you will, of information even when I could not see where the research was leading me. When I finally landed at a decision, like putting-in or taking-out at a boat launch that both sends you on an adventure or returns you home, He showed me the symbolism of a river, glorious. The image of a river made sense to me. The residual pain from my brother’s comments so many years ago finally faded. The Lord gathered my cries for help like a gentle stream at the mouth of a river leading to His heart. I believe there will be a significant measure of healing this time.
Psalm 98:7-8
Let the sea resound, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it.
Let the rivers clap their hands,
let the mountains sing together for joy;Song of Songs 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of one’s house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.Lamentations 2:18
The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. You walls of Daughter Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest.
Amos 5:24
But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!
John 7:38
Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.
Revelation 22
Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. 3 No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. 4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. 5 There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.
Tonight I rest along the banks of my Heavenly Father’s river of life.
Thank you, Lord, for carrying me downstream as far and as long as was needed to bring me to this new place of hope. Oh my Lord, forgive me for my desperation, for not trusting You. Help me to trust you, to continue to abide in your streams of righteousness, wisdom and grace. Renew my faith, strengthen my sea legs if You will, until it’s time for me to come home. I love you. Julie
Psalm 71
Psalm 71
1 In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. 2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me; turn your ear to me and save me. 3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.
5 For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. 6 From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. 7 I have become a sign to many; you are my strong refuge. 8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. 10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. 11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.” 12 Do not be far from me, my God; come quickly, God, to help me. 13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. 16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. 17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. 18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.
22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, Holy One of Israel. 23 My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you— I whom you have delivered. 24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.
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Tonight as my body thrashed about I cried out to the Lord, asking “don’t you see me?”
Tonight I cried out for the Lord to take me, as in take me home. He did not answer.
Tonight I cried out asking Him not to leave me here this way. He did not answer.
The after burn of the seizure attacks, flu-spikes, chest compression symptoms making breathing labored, increased pain, and massive neck headache was unbearable once again this evening. Things are getting worse. This was my third episode today with over two dozen individual incidences!
My precious husband got out of bed after 1:00 a.m. to get me something to eat in an effort to end the tic attacks that would not stop after the seizures.
It is now over an hour later and I am stable. I am beat up. I am still here!
I will remind myself to have hope, to cultivate hope that comes through faith in Jesus Christ. Sometimes He speaks and sometimes He is silent. And for those who believe in Him, He is always present.
Psalm 71 puts it all together for me right now, so this is how I will pray as I go forth from this night. And that’s about how far I have gotten. My tummy hurts. Time to go back to bed. I think I can sleep now.
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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