Tag: believer

They came, they went, and life goes on

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Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important:  the good ones soften the others!

I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening.  Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years.  Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB).  Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks.  The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly.  Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside.  A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head.  Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time.  However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter.  To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .

Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet.  Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday.  He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members.  I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me.  This was a mixed blessing.  I appreciate others asking and praying for me.  Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter.  Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.

One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital.  Yipes!  We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon.  Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich.  I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m.  That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home.  Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does.  Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday.  Before we knew it the evening was over.  Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.

And so it goes.  Life goes on.  Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night:  at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group.  This is good.  I am glad and it was worth the wait.  :J

Pray without ceasing

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16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5

The pages of my journal are color coded for quick reference to the various noxious symptoms of this ongoing illness.  This system helps when making medical summary documents or answering questions during doctor appointments.  It looks like every line has either blue (for headache), green (pain), orange (seizure attacks), purple (nightmares or waking terrors), or red (flu-like sickness) today.  Whew!  I had planned to write the hairy details directly from my journal for my blog entry today but I think that just mentioning the rainbow of wacky stuff going on is good enough.  But don’t worry.  I am more stable now.  I slept until 5:00 p.m. today with about 1 1/2 hours awake this morning for breakfast and journaling.  This is crazy stuff man.

And yet every speck of color and it’s accompanying saga are part of the Lord’s perfect plan for my life.  I am sad that Steve has to endure this too.  Yet as a believer, to have a wife with a serious illness is part of the Lord’s Divine plan for his life as well.  How this works is such a mystery!  So for me, if I am to live as Christ then I must take His Words into my heart and allow them to breathe life into my achy body each day.  I must pray without ceasing, give thanks for all the goodness that continues all around me, and know that He can use everything for His glory.  This is a mighty responsibility.  Hope I get it right!

Will this time of illness refine me in some way?  Perhaps.  I know that in another time of my life, repeated trials softened the harsh edges of my personality.  I learned that I have a Heavenly Husband and grew in fellowship with Him.  (Oh how I wish every married woman would know the joy of having a perfect partner in life as manifest in the Lord so she could cut her earthly husband some slack a little more often!)  I also witnessed the amazing provision of my King in what appeared to me as “upside down and backwards” most of the time.  In the end, the pieces of my frazzled life came together perfectly.  I even met my knight in shining aluminum (aka the 24-foot box truck that Steve rented to move me from Illinois to Indiana!) who has shown me love like no other person on this earth.  The Lord restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) so to speak, and I was set to live happily ever after . . .

When there’s a major turn of events in the life of a believer, chances are there’s also a major opportunity to receive something wonderful that could not come any other way.  Who changes his or her personality just because it’s Saturday?  No, it usually takes a major train wreck or two for that to happen!  Because the Lord has shown me His faithfulness, His heart, and blessings even in heartache, I will continue to choose to lean on Him, wait on Him for all things.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the thing which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These colorful experiences of mine, good and bad are temporary.  Thank goodness!  Allow me to share with you one more passage that brings this hope home in my heart:

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth.  You hall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side.  Also with the lute I will praise You — and your faithfulness, O my God!  Psalm 71

We have a Heavenly Father who promises to be with us though all of the trials of our lives and redeem them for eternal glory.  Come to His throne of grace with me Gentle Reader and bring before Him all your weariness, hurts and pain.  He sees them and carries them with us.  And one day they will be washed away when either He comes again for His own or we join Him when our time here is through.

Matisse Tree of Life
Matisse Tree of Life

If you do not know Him as Lord and Savior of your life, well, you are missing out on perfect peace and so much more.  I pray that you will consider following Jesus as Lord and Savior of your life.  If you make that decision today, please contact me and tell me all about it.  If you rededicate your love for Him, please tell me that too.  After all, to reach others for Christ is the main reason why this blog is here.  My time of illness and connecting with you today are part of His perfect plan for my life.  They just represent more pretty colors for the threads in the tapestry of my life you might say . . .

Between a rock and a hard place

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headache back pain comicSometimes you have to make a choice.  You are at a dead end or maybe lost.  Perhaps what worked in the past will no longer suffice.  Or perhaps you are facing the most difficult reason:  an external force requires you to act immediately.  Regardless, the process goes more gently when covered in prayer to the One who sees you and your situation, cares for you, knows your heart and heartache, and has a plan an purpose for your life.  That plan and purpose includes the crossroads in which you find yourself.  Stepping forward into the arms of the loving and perfect Father through a relationship with His son, Jesus Christ, will carry you through the decision every time.  He already knows, sees . . .

Gratefully I don’t have to stress very long these days before I’m at the throne of grace with my alms of concern.  I understand that it blesses the Lord to come before Him with all things big and small; such a mystery of His amazing grace.  This week had them both for me.

Big decision:  sell the Beam Ray/Rife machine in which Steve and I invested so much hope and resources just 1-1/2 years ago.  It’s not working for me and I cannot tolerate most of the frequencies anymore.  Time to let it go and move on.

Small decision:  relinquish my cheaper cell phone with a slider keyboard for a smartphone.  We will benefit from having it on the road when travelling and it will expand my online business possibilities.  Time to let go and move forward.

Big decision:  place active Lyme and mold treatments on hold to eradicate a serious systemic yeast infection.  This requires risking more noxious events to kill the fungus that is hurting me and may even be contributing to the seizure attacks, etc.  I seek wisdom in the timing of all of this with the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  Alas, it is time to let go of the time table and move ahead carefully.

Small decision:  discontinue the IV magnesium treatments at number 28 because the symptomatic “cost-benefit analysis” don’t compute anymore.  Sometimes you simply have to choose.

Medium decision:  sold my (beginning) surf ski kayak called a Stellar SR.  This one brought tears.  This illness has challenged my fitness and balance skills making the mastery of paddling this specialty kayak quite difficult.  Steve just sold a kayak as well so we likely will invest in a solo outrigger canoe and share it.  These are awesomely cool, fast paddling boats that just might work with either kayak or canoe paddles.  Yeah but I let go of the SR before ever mastering it.  I got sick after paddling it October 11, 2011:  my third time on the water with it.  Seeing it go on a rainy afternoon was a gray reminder of the past 2 years of illness and brought up feelings of failure.  Sish, maybe this was a bigger decision than I thought.  The tears are making it hard to see the computer screen right now . . .

I think tomorrow will be a retreat day.  Steve and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary and perhaps something simple will be nice this time.  One of the best decisions of my life was to move out of State to marry Steve 6 years ago.  Ahhh my intended beloved.  How the Lord has blessed me with a man after His own heart as you!  However we choose to spend our time together, I am sure that it will be wonderful.

O.k. so I just went from tears to blushing.  Allow me to send you off with a prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing and hearing the hearts of Your children each day.  Help us to reach for the shadow of Your wings to carry us when we cannot stand, to shelter us when we must wait on your Divine hand in our lives, to lift us when it is time to step out in faith once again.  If it is Your will I ask for healing for me from this complicated mix of illness and for the Gentle Reader finding you this day whilst reading this blog.  Cover us with Your healing grace and merciful love.  Guide us in our decisions for your glory Lord.  And help us to keep our eyes fixed on You, waiting with great expectation for Your Providence to unfold.  I love you Lord.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

Yes, no, and wait

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They say that the Lord answers prayers with three responses:  yes, no, and wait.  I believe I have experienced all of these in a big way this past week!

Yes.  The answer was “yes” to the question of whether or not I would like to be admitted to the Indiana University (IU) Methodist Hospital Neurology Unit.  After an intense appointment with a neurologist in the IU Neuroscience Center, Dr. R. offered an overnight “observation” stay for a video EEG.  The hope was to capture the tic and seizure attack episodes to clarify my diagnosis and treatment.  So with the clothes on my back (since we were 2 1/2 hours from home), my husband and I followed the epileptologist’s advice and proceeded with the admission procedures.  I’d had 2 hours of sleep the evening before and a major episode in the office of the neurologist that morning.  Surely I was primed for plenty of episodes as the day progressed!

And that is exactly what followed:  at least a dozen more full blown or brief episodes captured on video with dozens of electrodes glued to my head and a heart monitor attached to my chest.  The rest of my Tuesday was wretched.  One good part was finding some food to eat on the hospital menu fit my Candida diet, yes!  The staff was nice.  Many unfortunate frustrations occurred as well; you’ve heard enough of those on this blog so I won’t elaborate.  The biggest frustration was seeing the inpatient neurologist twice for about 60 seconds each time he visited my room.  He never looked at my MRI films or my medical records!  His job was to do the EEG study and nothing else so that’s all he did.  Perhaps that is all I could take anyways?  Who knows.

No.  I do not have epilepsy.  O.k., my Lyme/mold literate doctor kinda knew that already.  The hospital neurologist said I needed to follow up with the Neuroscience Center neurologist for treatment or any next steps in my care.  The answer was also “no” to having one of my 3x/week IV magnesium infusions while the IV was still in my arm.  I usually have a tic or seizure-like episode when it is inserted or removed so I was grieved when they could not help me with this; I would need to make up the appointment at Dupont Hospital in Fort Wayne, back home.   The nurse pulled the IV; another episode followed, off camera.

There were plenty of other “no” replies over the 24 hour stay in the hospital.  Perhaps you know what it is like?  I was ordered to be on bed rest and fall precautions, tethered with multiple probes, monitors, and a bed alarm.  Geez.  At least they let me use the bathroom after initially forcing me to take a bowel movement on a commode in the room within view of the video cameras.  Geez again.  Eventually I was too exhausted  to care if the back of my hospital gown flung open.  Finally, after 2:00 a.m., I got 7 straight hours of sleep.  A miracle for an inpatient setting, no less.  Thank you Lord!

Wait.  These past 2 days since returning home have required patience with myself as I recovered from the whole ordeal.  My dear husband drove a total of 5 hours two days in a row plus participated in the neurology appointment on Tuesday and completed a partial day of work on Wednesday.  Steve is a saint, I tell you!  So we both have waited for our bodies to recover from exhaustion.  I will need to wait to speak to the neurologist at the Neuroscience Center as well.  Her nurse was not able to return my phone call Thursday or Friday.  Steve and I are waiting and wondering what’s my treatment plan?  Do I have one?

My heart is breaking with another project that must wait at the moment:  publishing my eBook:  Hope Beyond Lyme:  The First Year.  I need to transpose the final edits into the document formatted for publication.  I’m about 3 hours from pressing the “go” button!  This must wait until I can concentrate better.  I just feel too traumatized and drained by the hospitalization experience.  Perhaps it’s all I can take now anyways?  Who knows.

I do know one thing:  writing is one of the best therapeutic agents for me to come back to my senses!  I am sooooooo grateful for you, Gentle Reader!  You keep me sane!  I am grateful to report that I had a 27-hour reprieve from noxious events yesterday and two less events overall thereafter.  Being away from home and in the hospital (with a limited pharmacy for supplements and compounded medications) forced me to go off most of my prescribed treatments.  This may have been a blessing in disguise!  I’ve started an elimination schedule, gradually adding back one item at a time and recording my symptoms.  Turns out that one of my supplements is made from mold!  Chucked that one last night after a bad episode.  Not sure what caused the one tonight.  Oh well.  It was around 10:30 p.m.  I always have a severe episode then anyways.  Got any ideas?

Yes.  No.  Wait.  Perhaps this week is no different than any other with these three answers to prayer, to the desires of my heart.  I am so glad that I can trust the Lord with any answer that comes from Him.

1 John 5  14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

And when the answer does come, the one we have hoped for with longing and expectation, it can be as joyful as a wedding celebration:

John 3:29 29 The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 

I am somewhere between the themes of these two verses, knowing that He cares for my needs and has a Divine plan that includes all of the events of this past week.  In the meantime I must keep my eyes focused on Him lest they wander to places that will get in the way of healing.  I will rest in the promise that has meant so much to me these past 10 years.  His love prevails and will carry me through all that is to come.  Perhaps it will encourage you too?

Romans 8  38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He holds me close

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kid having seizure27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. 28 I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”  (John 10)

So glad to have the love and care of the Lord this night.

So comforted to have the love and care of my beloved husband each day, each night.

So grateful to have the love and care of some dear friends and a few family members.

So humbled to have help here and there to carry me and my husband on this difficult path of recovery from a serious illness.  We have health insurance, a warm home, nutritious food, and reliable transportation.  We are blessed indeed.

So hopeful for some new treatment directions and a special medical appointment tomorrow; maybe my suffering will diminish soon, perhaps resolve one day?

So weak, sore, broken, pained, sad at times too.  It’s all in the mix.

One thing is for sure as spoken by Jesus:  he has me firmly in his grasp, regardless of how I feel, what I fear, my past experience, and so on.  He is holding me close.  And when I’m next to tears that is a great comfort indeed.

Ever need a hug like that?  It’s there for you too Gentle Reader.  In the great mystery of His infinite love, the Lord holds near to His heart all those that believe in Him.  In these crazy times I can think of no better place to be.  Think about it, won’t you?

John 10 sheep