Days where I just exist
Give way to tears
More often than not
Everyday now.
Waiting no longer suits me
Although it is my garment
Worn through hopes dashed
Threadbare to no end.
I study like a school girl
Not sure where the letters lead
Thinking this is “it”
And it is not.
Surely it is darkest
Before the break of day
That is my hope I guess
And my Lord too.
So little do I do
As the grass grows tall
Alone too much too
At least I got to Walmart today!
She probably thinks I don’t want to go with her today but I do. I always do.
Put me near water or mud and I’m a happy pup: the messier, the splashier, the better dontcha know?
When my paddler goes off without me my heart just sinks like I’m GONNA DIE . . .
Until the ground rumbles, that big door opens, and here she comes in that littlier door just to see meeeeeee!
I try to be good but I just can’t help myself sometimes.
Things need to be chewed, mailmen scared off (especially that one in shorts dressed in BROWN), and anything soft smooshed with the seat of my furry bum.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I have it good and all that.
“But why can’t I go with you like all the time?” say my big brown-n-black eyes.
“Or give me a bite of that hamburger that smells so good?”
You big people just aren’t as nice as those little people like me who drop crumbs all the time. Yum! Yum!
I’ll wait for you here, I’ll wait for you there, I’ll wait for you anywhere.
‘Cause you are just the best, scratch my ears some more, and give me one of those crunchy things in that bag you just opened, k?
You think I don’t know what you are up to but I do . . . I watch you all the time and it’s not even weird.
Just bring me with you in the car, on the boat, in the tractor, or maybe for a ride!
Thank you for being my bestie. Sniff, sniff. I love you more,
Your dog
Pictures are from the 2017 United States Canoe Association Nationals in Dubuque, Iowa except Gary and his German shepherd in the kayak. Paddlers love their dogs!
Six years ago tonight began a journey that has tested me in every way possible; brought me closer to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, than ever before; deepened my love and gratitude for my beloved Steve; and helped me to grasp the incredible resilience of the human body/human spirit. Thank you Lord for your sustaining grace through it all!
Rather than go into the details, I will simply refer you, Gentle Reader, to my story here. Briefly, I got deathly sick with viral hepatitis after kayaking in a local reservoir and never fully recovered. Seizure attack episodes began on a daily basis within a couple of months and have yet to resolve. This serious illness has had many names, required extensive treatments at considerable expense, and rendered me unable to work in my profession of occupational therapy. I miss working. The social isolation, sense of loss, grief, and various disabilities have changed my daily life considerably. Without my faith in Christ I would not have made it this far. I do have hope for a better tomorrow which brings me to my quarterly treatment update as follows:
Recent lab tests found extremely high pesticide toxicity. I immediately increased Far Infrared Sauna and various detox treatments until I could meet with my functional medicine Doctor. Now after two intense weeks of exhausting research, medical appointments, and enough follow-up that would make the great T.V. detective Colombo proud, I am hoping that my Doctor’s office has processed a referral to a State Toxicology Center. I found a neurologist that specializes in seizures related to toxicity and I want to see her as soon as possible!
In the meantime, I try to function as best as I can. Sadly the very difficult titration of a new medication either keeps me up most nights or wakes me up with breakthrough tic attacks every two hours. (I still spend most weekends in and out of bed with sickness.) The focus now is to inhibit acetylcholine that we hypothesize is causing the seizures because of damage from organophosphate poisoning (OP). Acute treatments for OP are well known but not for long term effects; we simply do not know how long I have had this toxicity. The medication is an interim measure. I am wondering if various Lyme, fungal, viral, and even parasitic infections have sequestered OP like these organisms can do with other toxic agents. We know that detoxification can increase feelings of sickness called “herxing” (from release and recirculation of mycotoxins for example) when we either detox too fast or our liver or kidney pathways are blocked. I now use bitter herbs with various binding agents in a “push-catch” protocol that helps to better tolerate the process.
So here we go again with another new treatment direction! At least this time I have concrete lab values to help explain what is going on along with a new, promising treatment direction. In the meantime I’ll be hanging out as the “chick in the box” (as Steve says) at about 124 or more degrees, trying to literally “sweat it out” in our sauna. There will be no anniversary celebration per se for enduring six years of hell albeit with some sweet moments sprinkled in here and there. There will be humility though as I try to be a godly steward of this journey my Lord has entrusted to my care. I do have hope for a better tomorrow. That is where this blog began 6 months into this 6-year journey and I hope that is where I will remain beyond that too.
Thank you for sharing the road with me Gentle Reader. When I see my stats ticker go up a notch my spirit gets a little lighter, knowing you are there. Thank you.
With love, JJ
10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal 1)
From the perspective of the supernatural power of grace bestowed by my Lord, Jesus Christ, I write to you this day. For my flesh is more broken than before, hopes beaten up from the road, and spirit exasperated from the waiting. Yet I am compelled to look beyond my angst to the call to grace . . .
If I have fallen short of praising my Lord then I am sorry. Please forgive me. The alms and adoration to my Savior is what shall draw me nearer to Him and lift my sorrows.
Should I have focused too much on my own needs and not those of others then my selfishness has thus blinded me. The trials of life have more to do with our response to these trials (and more importantly to others) than to their resolution. I cannot serve others when my mind is full of woe. There is always room to love on others.
When I act to make my own plate o’ food and have not called upon God’s infinite power to feed my family then I have shorted all of us to the weakness of my own hands. My Lord is sufficient for me, enables me to serve beyond my ability.
Where my face has turned to the shiny distractions of this life, pining after them (or worse coveting that which I have been blessed) then I have really made my world smaller. Who knows the blessing that will come from sacrificial giving? Gratitude? And proper placement of my gaze to the Cross?
How much better it is to wait on my Heavenly Father than to cry out my need only to act thereafter in my own strength? Oh Lord, help me to wait, to listen, to dwell and nothing more during these times.
That about sums it up right now. Thank you to those who prayed for me last week and who remember me in your prayers. Please let me know how I may serve you too, k?
JJ
Alrighty my beloved Hope Beyond prayer warriors: I am about to start a new medication that could stop the nightly convulsive episodes. After being up for 22 hours, battling a cold, and 2 1/2 hours of episodes last night, Steven and I are ready for a miracle! Thy will be done! And thank you.
With love, :JJ
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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