Into the night

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The sun has gone down over the drifts of snow blanketing our neighborhood.  It’s (-1.7) degrees F outside, continuing the snowiest and coldest record-setting weather in our corner of the Midwest.  The German shepherd pup doesn’t seem to mind that the snow in most places is deeper than her ears; she hops like a bunny at breakneck speed to catch up with us on foot or on skiis in the backyard anyways!

All is quiet now before Steve comes home from work.  He’ll arrive within the next 30-minutes and rush about unloading his car, taking care of the pup, washing his workout clothes, and the like.  Then comes the best part:  a sweet kiss for his beloved, sitting here waiting, waiting.  But for what am I really waiting?

In this Hillsong Music piece from 2010, we feel the timeless yearning of the songwriter as he runs into the arms of his beloved:  the Lord, Jesus Christ.  It is a love song for sure.  The sojourner anticipates the embrace of the only One who can bring true goodness, joy, peace, truth, and light to a darkened world or situation.  My favorite part includes the words in bold:

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I’m letting go.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign.

Into the night there are wretched seizure attacks waiting for me, every night for the last 8 months and every day for about the last 2 years.  Last night turned ugly with convulsions and spontaneous vocalizations that appeared demonic at times.  Steve rescued me sitting frozen at the edge of the bed then faced yet another late work night praying over me, warming my frigid frame.  How much can a couple of broken souls endure?  As believers we understand the answer:  with Jesus, “all of it.”  I’m here typing at the computer as proof.  Sure makes me afraid to go to bed each night since an encore is usually waiting for me as my head hits the pillow.  And you wonder why I stay up so late?  Number one I am wide-awake about an hour after an episode ends, and number two I guess I’m trying to delay the inevitable.  With prayers in-hand I go to bed.  Eventually the noxious symptoms let go to a measure of sleep.

Tonight I will feel presence of the Lord in the love of my Steve.  Tonight in my heart I will fill the empty places he cannot reach with the love of my Lord.  After all there are places that only God can reach and fill, places He designed only for Himself.  I have no idea how anyone would endure continuing heartache without knowing Him.  Nothing else satisfies so completely.

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.  (Deuteronomy 4:29)

You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.  (Psalm 59:17)

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (emphasis added).  (Psalm 55:22)

So here is some simple encouragement for you this evening, Gentle Reader.   Perhaps I am living proof that yet the righteous be shaken (only made right by the blood of Jesus), we can run with praise to the God of all creation who longs to fill the heart and soul with that for which it longs within us.  It may look bad for a time.  Gratefully, “time” won’t last forever though.  ;j

Click on image to link to: Forever (He) Reign

Sometimes you just know

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13 But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you.  (John 16)

Jesus spoke these words as he was instructing the disciples about the Holy Spirit they would receive at Pentecost.  These words came hours before He was to be arrested, tried and convicted of crimes He did not commit.  He would be tortured, beaten and crucified in fulfillment of the scriptures that were written hundreds of years before He was born.  All of this happened so we could be saved from the consequences of our sin and live forever with Him in heaven.  For those who believe in Him, He dwells in their hearts, comforted and counseled by the Holy Spirit.  Call it supernatural intuition if you like.  Sometimes you just know something to be true, the right way to go.  For followers of Jesus Christ, walking in the Spirit of truth is a smidgen of heaven on earth:  one’s heart can be at peace at last.

I experienced this today.  A phone consultation with a second physician within a week brought hope.  I felt like my heart was at home in her care.  I was moved to tears when Dr. B. confided in me her faith in the Lord, shared how she had reviewed my records at length in preparation for our appointment, and led me through a plan that incorporated everything that has transpired in the past 2 years.  She has experienced biotoxin illness herself and has worked with the leading authority in the United States on this topic.  Her gentleness calmed my fears.  She listened.  Hey guys:  I am going to get well!

This next phase in my “Hope Beyond Lyme” journey will likely take another year.  The treatment steps will include baby steps such as 1/4 tablets of medication, micro nutrition, retesting at better labs, and plenty of out-of-pocket expenses.  At this point I am trusting the Lord to provide, to guide.  My husband has been a great spiritual leader during this time of illness and I know he will lead us in these next steps as well.  I am so glad I followed his advice not to fly across the country for medical consultations!  We could not have afforded it anyways.  And now the Lord has provided help from a clinic just a 2 1/2 hour car ride away.  Pure Michigan.  I’m going home to my home State for healing!

O.K. I don’t know if everything will be rosy but hey, I have hope again.  Gentle Reader, isn’t that just swell?  :J

They came, they went, and life goes on

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Here is the reason that living in the moment is so very important:  the good ones soften the others!

I am so grateful for the first meeting of our church home group that met this evening.  Steve and I volunteered to host a group to try to break up the isolation that I have experienced since becoming more homebound these past two years.  Sometime in the early Spring of last year I made the difficult decision to stop attending worship services because the building is water-damaged (WDB).  Every time I was inside the structure for Sunday worship or an event, I paid dearly with violent seizure attacks.  The kind that are triggered by mold ramp up quickly.  Most of the time I was barely able to make it back to our car before the shaking began and it quickly became convulsions one seated inside.  A perfect electrical storm let loose inside my head.  Gratefully they did not last for more than 30 minutes most of the time.  However afterwards I was beat up with a sharp headache, profound fatigue, ringing in my ears, increased upper body pain, and emotional devastation for hours thereafter.  To suffer like that was not what the Lord has called me to do . . .

Thus began my practice of listening to our pastor’s messages at home on the internet.  Thus became me living my Christian fellowship through Steve as he would attend two services per week in addition to the men’s prayer breakfast on Saturday.  He came home each of these days and shared a detailed review of Pastor Paul’s verse-by-verse teaching of the Old and New Testaments in addition to updates on our church family members.  I felt humbled and sad when he would tell me of individuals who had asked about me.  This was a mixed blessing.  I appreciate others asking and praying for me.  Rarely did anyone contact me thereafter.  Such is the nature of things in contemporary America.

One couple couldn’t make the meeting tonight as the wife was having medical tests and likely being admitted to the hospital.  Yipes!  We prayed for Ellen and hope that she recovers soon.  Our group was small yet the fellowship was rich.  I stressed about getting everything ready before 7:00 p.m. as my medical-day ended at 5:20 p.m.  That barely left enough time to shower, clean, and prepare snacks before my husband came home.  Everything came together shortly after our guests arrived; it always does.  Our group conversation was meaningful and even personal for our first time together, discussing John 18 that was preached this past Sunday.  Before we knew it the evening was over.  Before I knew it the evening noxious episode that awaits me around 10:00 p.m. was set to begin, following me late into the night.

And so it goes.  Life goes on.  Now I’m awake at 4:00 a.m. recapping the night:  at least once per month I’ll get to break bread with my brothers and sisters in Christ during our home group.  This is good.  I am glad and it was worth the wait.  :J

He knows me so well

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There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is.  There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle.  Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life.  The dangling participle is apropos.  I am lost as to my exact location.  All I know is how I got here.  I have no idea what the game plan is.  Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time.  Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless.  I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on).  And then a new problemmo emerges.  Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose.  That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database.  Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test.  “Look me in the eye!”  is all I am asking.  Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?”  After all, that is why I am there!  I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed.  Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point.  While I do believe that I will be well someday  even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this:  I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write.  There is nothing left to say.  I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit.  There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening.  That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ.  You know my aching heart.  You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life.  You saw this breaking point long before it came.  All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up.  I give up.  Take me as I am.   crucifix

Sorry, Gentle Reader.  This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.

The whole chicken or egg dilemma

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chicken and eggs

Sometimes in life things do not occur in any sane, logical order.  Well after the original Creation of all things, that is!  Before Creation there was only God and we came with His speaking into existence time, space, the earth, and so on.  All I can say is that after I was born a lot of things happened in a fairly reasonable sequence.  However after I became an adult that all changed!

I started my career, graduated with a Masters degree, and was married 12 years without ever having had any children.  I see now the paradoxical blessing of never having had a family as a young woman; it just didn’t make sense why this happened as the years went on until more recently.  It was the Lord’s plan for my life.  Regardless I now have had the privilege of “adopting” my intended beloved husband’s grandson this past year and it is GRAND!  I love it!  Sitting here in the great State of Indiana following the stream of photos on Facebook of little Jackson and his parents in North Carolina is the new replacement for dinner-with-the-family on Sunday afternoons.  Well o.k.  Works for me.

Ah yes, work.  I began my career as an occupational therapist, dabbled in worker’s compensation insurance, ventured into a home business three times (where I continue now as a hobby), bounced back after a few orthopedic injuries, and landed in an extended medical leave two years ago.  I would have thought that I would be more vulnerable to such a serious illness when undergoing some of the more significant and stressful transitions in my life but it didn’t happen that way.  Illness came when I was happily married, living closer to my hometown of Detroit, Michigan, secure in my relationship with the Lord, and largely homebound in a pretty place with a cool dog too.  I have never felt more loved and it came after age 47, not as a baby girl.  Works for me.

And there it is again.  Work.  My training as an occupational therapist brings a fascination with all things “work:” from the menial tasks of housekeeping to the time-and-motion requirements of an assembly line worker.  I am amazed at the inner workings and outer performance capabilities of the human frame in addition to our ability to love, to hate, to dream.  Later in life I would also come to know the Creator of mankind as my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:  the One who made me and you in His image.  Oh how lovely He must be for all of us to be a copy of His humanity!  My life has been a wacky journey of discovery for all that He has made and gifted me to be; my weaknesses in addition to my strengths are crafted at His hand, in His time.  This brings me to the current day.

I received a job notification from a prominent continuing education company for a part time Lead Occupational Therapy Education Planner.  Wow, that sounds cool!  The Planner would assist in the development and promotion of continuing education courses for occupational therapists and occupational therapy assistants nationwide.  I have spent my entire career continuing my love for learning as I moved from one specialty area to another, adapting from one work setting and set of skills to another.  Then when illness struck and continued into the year 2012, the Lord guided me into an online jewelry business.  I knew very little about ecommerce at the time!  Within a year I am grateful to report that I had customers from most sections of the United States and had learned a variety of jewelry-making techniques.  I could adapt my creative schedule any time of day or night.  And the marketing and writing skills of previous endeavors got applied and developed further, including photography and the use of social media.

Even with all of that, my greatest joy lies right here with you.  This blog has received my heart, my hopes, my fears, my dreams, my failures, and my successes too.  You have been there for me, Gentle Reader, through yet another transition in my life.  I have recently doubted my ability to return to gainful employment due to the nature of the illness in my life.  And yet the skills of reading, writing, creating, and social networking have grown despite any hardship.  So I applied for the position!  I included the online business, eBook, and this blog as accomplishments of late.  It’s just like an occupational therapist to examine the skills needed to get through the day and a person’s ability to match it to what is needed in  his or her life.  This is exactly what I have done these past 2 years and in considering this new venture.

Thank you, Lord, for creating me as an occupational therapist.  You knew the skills I would need to navigate the events of my life and breathed the seeds of them into me decades ago.  And if it is your will that I move forward with gainful employment with this new company, then I am ready for this challenge.  I don’t need to know if it’s the right timing, if I need to do something else first as in the chicken or egg dilemma.  I’ll just trust you with all of the details.  How timely that earlier today I was talking with a friend about her preparation and experiences attempting to return to work after a personal leave of absence.  I place both of us at your throne of grace that your wisdom and strength would infill both of us for the opportunities that lie ahead.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.  JJ