Tag: Throne of Grace

He knows me so well

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There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is.  There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle.  Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life.  The dangling participle is apropos.  I am lost as to my exact location.  All I know is how I got here.  I have no idea what the game plan is.  Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time.  Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless.  I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on).  And then a new problemmo emerges.  Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose.  That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database.  Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test.  “Look me in the eye!”  is all I am asking.  Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?”  After all, that is why I am there!  I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed.  Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point.  While I do believe that I will be well someday  even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this:  I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write.  There is nothing left to say.  I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit.  There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening.  That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ.  You know my aching heart.  You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life.  You saw this breaking point long before it came.  All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up.  I give up.  Take me as I am.   crucifix

Sorry, Gentle Reader.  This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.

Between a rock and a hard place

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headache back pain comicSometimes you have to make a choice.  You are at a dead end or maybe lost.  Perhaps what worked in the past will no longer suffice.  Or perhaps you are facing the most difficult reason:  an external force requires you to act immediately.  Regardless, the process goes more gently when covered in prayer to the One who sees you and your situation, cares for you, knows your heart and heartache, and has a plan an purpose for your life.  That plan and purpose includes the crossroads in which you find yourself.  Stepping forward into the arms of the loving and perfect Father through a relationship with His son, Jesus Christ, will carry you through the decision every time.  He already knows, sees . . .

Gratefully I don’t have to stress very long these days before I’m at the throne of grace with my alms of concern.  I understand that it blesses the Lord to come before Him with all things big and small; such a mystery of His amazing grace.  This week had them both for me.

Big decision:  sell the Beam Ray/Rife machine in which Steve and I invested so much hope and resources just 1-1/2 years ago.  It’s not working for me and I cannot tolerate most of the frequencies anymore.  Time to let it go and move on.

Small decision:  relinquish my cheaper cell phone with a slider keyboard for a smartphone.  We will benefit from having it on the road when travelling and it will expand my online business possibilities.  Time to let go and move forward.

Big decision:  place active Lyme and mold treatments on hold to eradicate a serious systemic yeast infection.  This requires risking more noxious events to kill the fungus that is hurting me and may even be contributing to the seizure attacks, etc.  I seek wisdom in the timing of all of this with the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  Alas, it is time to let go of the time table and move ahead carefully.

Small decision:  discontinue the IV magnesium treatments at number 28 because the symptomatic “cost-benefit analysis” don’t compute anymore.  Sometimes you simply have to choose.

Medium decision:  sold my (beginning) surf ski kayak called a Stellar SR.  This one brought tears.  This illness has challenged my fitness and balance skills making the mastery of paddling this specialty kayak quite difficult.  Steve just sold a kayak as well so we likely will invest in a solo outrigger canoe and share it.  These are awesomely cool, fast paddling boats that just might work with either kayak or canoe paddles.  Yeah but I let go of the SR before ever mastering it.  I got sick after paddling it October 11, 2011:  my third time on the water with it.  Seeing it go on a rainy afternoon was a gray reminder of the past 2 years of illness and brought up feelings of failure.  Sish, maybe this was a bigger decision than I thought.  The tears are making it hard to see the computer screen right now . . .

I think tomorrow will be a retreat day.  Steve and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary and perhaps something simple will be nice this time.  One of the best decisions of my life was to move out of State to marry Steve 6 years ago.  Ahhh my intended beloved.  How the Lord has blessed me with a man after His own heart as you!  However we choose to spend our time together, I am sure that it will be wonderful.

O.k. so I just went from tears to blushing.  Allow me to send you off with a prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing and hearing the hearts of Your children each day.  Help us to reach for the shadow of Your wings to carry us when we cannot stand, to shelter us when we must wait on your Divine hand in our lives, to lift us when it is time to step out in faith once again.  If it is Your will I ask for healing for me from this complicated mix of illness and for the Gentle Reader finding you this day whilst reading this blog.  Cover us with Your healing grace and merciful love.  Guide us in our decisions for your glory Lord.  And help us to keep our eyes fixed on You, waiting with great expectation for Your Providence to unfold.  I love you Lord.  In Jesus’ name, amen.

Wolfie, the bee and me

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You might think that an Advanced Master Gardener who tested as understanding about garden insects would be a little less squeamish about bugs than the average person?  Er, no.

You might think that scaring the wolf spider who fled under the passenger’s car seat, and the “barrier” of the light of a flashlight and a floor space clear of travel garb in which to hide would make the back seat a safe haven for the 6-hour drive home?  Er, no.  I opted for the trunk of the station wagon!

You might think that I’d be used to a sweat bee pestering us at the outdoor dining patio of a small town restaurant since it’s a common phenomena for late summers in Indiana?  Er, no.

And you might think that the gnat in my wild rice was no big deal since I only planned to eat 2 tiny bites due to dietary restrictions; I’d already eaten them so I shouldn’t care right?  Er, no.

Yeah, you might think that a 15-hour road trip to pick up my River Bear husband’s new kayak would be uneventful for the dutiful wife passenger . . . er, no!  For me it was the little things that meant a lot when they were crawling and flying too close to my personal body parts, facial orifices, and comfort zones!  Perhaps the 7 or so tic and seizure attack zips during the afternoon put me a little on edge for the first leg of the trip from Fort Wayne, Indiana to Erie, Pennsylvania.  I had brought ample snacks, blankies, and a pillow for maximum cushy; the lush countryside as we travelled from the flat soybean fields of our homeland to the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains made for ample eye candy in between rest stops as well.  I guess I didn’t do so well after all.  I just wonder why spontaneous adventures like these can no longer be, er, “normal?”

Sorry for the down mood.  I spent most of the day in bed today recovering from our day trip.  Gratefully, Steve has a beautiful Epic V12 surf ski in mint condition now, for a steal-of-a-deal price:  $500 below the boat he sold to get it.  My guy sure knows how to trade boats!  As for me, I missed attending a meaningful wedding this afternoon with my beloved and many of our friends from church; I had more tic attacks and convulsions plus an additional 4 1/2 hours of sleep instead!  I woke up worthless except for the intact ability to cruise the internet in bed for hours.  Gratefully I’d made dozens of veggie turkey burgers two nights ago to sustain me with the intermittent, partial bag of Beanitos chips.  Ahhhhh, such is the life of a person lost in the recovery from Lyme Disease.

So where am I now?  I’m more stable as I’ve passed my bewitching hour of 9 to 11:00 p.m. when I usually have a noxious episode.  Thank the Lord I already covered that one earlier today!  My husband has graciously attended to some house chores and provided an occasional kiss of encouragement here and there.  I, too, would have liked to have hidden in the dark under the “seat of life,” buzzed about aimlessly until I found what I was looking for, or curled up next to the softness of a mound of carbs . . . I guess from here I will proceed otherwise.

It’s time for me to crawl like the slow-moving sow bugs on our hardwood floors, before the Throne of Grace.  I need Jesus.  I need an infilling of the Holy Spirit, nothing else.  I need to go it alone at what ever miles per hour it takes to drive home into my heart that this too shall pass.  My thoughts need softening and only the Lord can bring this gently, lovingly, perfectly.  Oh my Jesus, meet me here this night.  Let there be Your light and nothing else.  Thank you Lord for hearing me.

Just Julie

Try a Gentle Approach

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The late humorist Erma Bombeck published a book entitled, If life is just a bowl of cherries then why am I in the pits?  In her writings she had a lighthearted way of dealing with the unfair, confusing, satirical, unexpected, and simply crazy stuff of ordinary life and the people that can be responsible for it.  Oh to have the gift of humor!  Yeah that one eludes me a lot of the time these days when my world does not make sense.

Another author, Sarah Young encourages us in her book, Jesus Calling,  to let the Lord envelop our outreach to others when times are tough.  His love is infinite and transcends the strength and limited wisdom of our tiny brains, our earthly experiences.  This is a better approach and moves me in the right direction. 

But perhaps the place to find the best advice comes directly from God’s word.  The opposite of weakness is strength.  Searching for the word “strength” in the Bible yields 232 references!  Wow.  Finding this makes me realize that this must be something important to our God.  He must want us to seek Him first in dealing with the people and situations we face in our lives or He wouldn’t have inspired men to write it down for us that many times!  It makes sense:  as Creator of all things He is the ultimate source for the power to overcome the stuff of this world.  My favorite verse that helps me in my own times of weakness is Psalm 73:26:

26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Today the infilling of the Holy Spirit and His power helped me to do what I could not have done by myself.  The task was relatively simple:  make dinner for my husband and his good friend.  After all, we had made most of the items yesterday and offered to have his friend over last weekend and it didn’t work out.  All I had to do was tidy up a bit, set the table, make a salad, and put it all together.  The only problem was that my husband called me to confirm that his friend was coming as I was waking up from a recovery nap just after noon.  Nope, I wasn’t at church again today.  I was feeling very beat up from a total of 11 hours of seizure attacks the night before that woke me up several times overnight and early this morning.  My brain was still numb.  The number of attacks were too many to count.  I had wrenched my back in the process of involuntary shaking; the headache and back pain were piercing my frame.   The last thing a gal wants to do when her face is swollen, brain foggy, body hurting and running through hot-n-cold sweat episodes is entertain!  But if I did say yes, it would get me out of bed and going for the day.  A voice inside me somewhere agreed to the plan.  What?

As it turns out, everything came together regardless of how I was feeling.  I got to have a normal experience after an abnormal, nightmarish one.  I called upon the Lord and He sustained me, strengthened me for the task at hand.  The food was great and fellowship meaningful.  There was time to rest afterwards and take a call from another dear friend who understands what this journey through chronic illness is really like.  After eating lunch and taking two Tylenols, I felt better by about 4:00 p.m.  Whew.  At least the whole day wasn’t wasted!

The “gentle approach” I usually need is the one I must take with myself.  I must gently lay myself before the Lord at His throne of grace and let his love and strength wash over me.   When I am weak, when I am unable, when I lack a humorous approach to cope, He is able.  He is my Lord this day and always, my Emmanuel.   I don’t have to control anything or make anything happen in whatever shred of strength I may have at any moment.  He goes before me and it is always good.  Today I could even taste it!

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As an aside, today is Mother’s Day in the United States.  While many call it a Hallmark or greeting card holiday, it was actually signed into law after a woman wanted a woman in the role of motherhood to be recognized within her own family at least one day per year.  The Lord did not grace me with the role of “mother.”  Technically I am a step mother however that is not a title my husband’s adult children choose for me at this time.  They are adults and I am cool with this.  Recently I offered to adopt my husband’s grandchild as my own and was warmly received by the parents.  I am humbled and joyful for this gift of a grandson!  He now has five grandmothers and in time will see the benefits of the love and prayers of all of them.  The Lord guided me in not forcing the issue of being recognized as a step mother or grandmother.  Here we go again:  sometimes a gentle approach is best.  To Him be the glory in Christ Jesus when I do get it right.  I could not do it without You!

Do we love the Lord a little?

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Little-Girl-Dreaming-of-the-World--56003This article is from Dave McCarrell and the February 13th issue of PGM News, a non-copyrighted newsletter of Pacific Garden Mission in Chicago, Illinois

“Little by little, some Christians are growing a “Little” careless.  On Sunday mornings they sleep a Little late, and come to church a Little tardy.  Some doze a Little, listen a Little to the sermon and give a Little in the offering.  After dismissal, they argue a Little, gossip a Little, and go home and forget what Little they heard, and act a Little as if they care Little for the greatest, grandest, holiest, and most precious privilege on the earth — that of worshiping and serving the Lord Jesus Christ.

I may have exaggerated a Little, but very Little, and in some things I may have omitted a Little, “O ye of Little faith” (Matt. 6:30, 8:26, and 16:8).  ” . . . thou has been faithful in a very Little . . .” (Luke 19:17).  “Yet a Little while and that shall come, will come and will not tarry” (Heb. 10:37).

Little-by-Little, we can improve a Little by putting forth a Little effort in seeking to overcome a Little evil.  Little evils do not remain Little.  So a Little thought given to Little things may produce a Little improvement in a Little time.”

After reading the above by an unnamed author, I was challenged by the thougt of the many Little things I let distract me from the important things God has for me.  I am sure all of you, if honest would say the same thing.  Then I was challenged by the ultimate question that our Lord asked Peter, and the question we as believers all must respond to:  “Peter do you love me more than these things?”  (See John 21)15-17)

Instead of these things, in our case, I believe God is asking us:  “Do you love Me more than the Little things you have brought into your life?  Examples could be sports, TV, movies, material possessions, homes, cars, questionable friends, etc.  What a great opportunity to examin what Little things are keeping us from experiencing God’s best for us.

“JUST JULIE’S” ADDENDUM:  Thank you Lord for this reminder that You are not only Lord over all things big and little, You care about all of the things in our lives, big and little.  I can trust You with every detail of my life.  Yup, every one.  I lay my cares at the foot of Your throne of grace for your tender care.  You know what they are and in that fact, I rest this day.  Love,  Julie