When someone leans in to your speaking, ready and willing to help
It is a rare moment to catalog, to stack over times of disinterest.
When it’s a healthcare professional who actually knows her stuff
Then you have a shot at individualized care not the easiest answer.
When she orders a comprehensive plan with follow-up to boot
You start to melt into the possibility of hope and actual gain.
When the topic is real, bonified pain evidenced in test after test
The story hath become believable to more than your weary soul.
When someone really looks at you and can tell you speak your truth
That signs of wear and tear are obvious; why couldn’t others see it too?
When these answers come so late in the game but alas before life is over
There just might be a chance for better days outside of your king bed retreat.
When your tears drain the sorrows of past fails and let in the glimmering light
On an hour of sleep with topical pain remedies in hand, you drive like hell with rock-n-roll on the radio doing more than you really should to celebrate the baby turn for good, answered prayers, and wings to fly on that are not your own.
Witness the goodness of God. JJ
One day the earth will warm again. Until then the light doth illuminate the possibilities.
Humble yourself before the Lord and He will meet you there every time.
Having just whacked my shoulder with the handle of a rake, the pain seared deeply from my flesh to my soul. It is now bruised.
So cried, I did: weeping that lasted a long time. So much sorrow in my broken heart of late.
How can I go on with so many hours spent lying in bed? Seizing the last grips of life until my breathing starts again? Plans reduced then cancelled to much, much less?
The window to the neighbors’ bedroom was not far away out there in the darkness of night and my own beloved worked 2 rooms away beyond the double-paned windows
Oh how long must this sad song go on: the one that mixes grief from the death of loved ones with the pain of suffering so?
My Lord, you bestow so much goodness yet this night my heart aches for the dearth in my broken frame.
Just let it all out Gentle Julie. Your heart needs a good cleansing at the foot of my cross. For I hung there for all your sorrows with my blood dripping for your tears.
There will come a day when I will restore all that has gone before you.
There’s a period at the end of that sentence beloved one and this one too.
My love shall forever surround you, my spirit dwell within you, my angels minister for your care.
Keep seeking my face and you will find me there with you every time. I love you more than you can ever know. Just try to keep seeking and I will lead you home.
And so I shall. Oh how I long to go home! Yet weakly I shall go on . . . JJ
Still in shock from the news, with tears coming forth without notice
I grieve the sudden death of my brother and all that it means.
Where do I begin to tell the story of his life and mine intertwined?
I just can’t write very well right now.
One dynamic is clear though.
Just before he died, he had come to know and convey despite horrific suffering
That life in Christ is worthy of our primary focus. It supernaturally transcends the incredible chaos of our time whether it be in our own broken frame or the society at large.
I don’t think he lived this belief out perfectly in all areas of his world. But in conversation with me, his witness was clear: LIFE as in LIFE IN CHRIST is the most important matter of our days.
With this I find it curious that his final words to his companion and caregiver of many years were, “I don’t want to die.” But Mike, to live is Christ, to die is gain (Phil 1:21), ultimately to be with the Lord and perfectly whole. Why did you not give in to death when in a coma, when seizing, when facing searing pain and be truly free? No one would know and no one would blame you for letting go. You didn’t even do so until the Lord called you home. I am seeing in you this gift of perspective that I have not been able to realize in my own time of battling serious illness. You got it right! I need to get it right too.
Thousands of waking seizure attacks have ravaged my body over the past 8 years. The health complications that came along the way have brought much grief, guttural cries out to the Lord for relief. Experiencing my brain on fire when I am still awake has brought traumatization, triggered memories of past incidents of trauma, stirred emotions that took me down, down, down. If there was lingering bitterness from the abuse of my past then it had no where to go to heal when every month it seemed, there was a new medical problem/diagnosis/treatment to consume my days. Sure, I tried to live around the compendium of illness; weather sick or faking wellness, I see now that my focus has been in the wrong place too much of the time. I need more of Jesus Christ and less of everything else NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND OR WITHIN ME.
I have struggled to read my Bible and pursue even passive activities that can strengthen my relationship with my Savior. It’s been really, really hard to do so. Somehow my brother Mike figured it out despite his suffering. He could only use one hand! His body erupted into violent spasms without warning. The simplest of self care tasks were laborious beyond belief. He has been bedridden for most of the past few years. And the pain. I don’t know if anyone really knows how much he endured, how much medication or cigarettes it took to numb the torture of severe contractures from a stroke about 5 years ago then subsequent medical mismanagement (or minimal management). So did he talk about all of this with me? NO! He chose share what he was studying in his Bible instead. He asked me important questions that I was barely able to answer. Mike meditated on the significant issues of life itself. He saw beyond the life his broken frame, not wanting it to end despite his suffering. Mike dwelt for hours each day in the presence of our Lord and blessed me in return by his doing so.
Mike really did not want to die. I get the sense that it was because he wanted to be here when the Lord returned in glory for His church. Mike thought he would be here for the rapture. Sometimes I think that I will be here for the rapture too, and that it might not be far away with the absolute chaos going on in our country. Despite my own faith in Jesus Christ, many times I have wanted to die. I have been overcome with despair, enough so that I could not imagine living another day with my own suffering (described here many times, portrayed on my YouTube channel). My faith has wavered at times when challenged by the worst ravages of chronic illness. I am not proud of it. This is important to share however, as I know that I am not alone. Tis better to bring these issues to the light of day in the right way at the right time. Now is that time. My brother’s witness to me that I finally got to see in his passing from this life is a proverbial fork in the road for where I want my life to go from here. I got this perspective from you Mike. Thank you. You have finished well, the task of ministering to your older sister whether you knew or not that you were doing so.
Thank you my dear brother in Christ. On Friday you told me that you knew that one day you would be healed. That prayer was answered just one day later! I rejoice that you are now leaping like a deer on high places as you dwell with our majestic Savior in the heavenly realms. See you one day when the Lord calls me home too. Until then,
Two weeks, 6 Dental considerations, 10 prescription medications, numerous rescue remedies and supplements later, the complete resolution of a dental procedure remains in the distance! Perhaps you know the story here and here where I suffered with anguish then crawled my way into renewed hope with the extraction of an infected tooth. Yes, the tooth is out. And no, I am not convinced that the infection is resolved. Some goo came out 3 days ago and the gum is still somewhat inflamed. Pain is not yet resolved. How can inflammation go down when there is goo? No one seems to believe me that this nightmare is not yet over, that there is more that can be done to help me.
The struggle continues this night with a less-clear course of action from here. Dr. L, the oral surgeon, says everything is normal and won’t see me until a month from my call last week. Dr. K, the referring dentist who diagnosed me, says the medications prescribed are “strong,” what else do I need? Yeah, I agree they are strong and the side effects created 2 new symptoms! I don’t need stronger. I need a modification in my treatment plan! Dr. J, my medical Doc, says it’s healing epithelial cells that oozed out; use some anti-microbials topically. Already on it sir but one of them has inflamed my gums so I had to discontinue it. Oh and the antibiotic tore up my esophagus so I had to discontinue it too. Dr. R, the Biologic Dentist out of town, still won’t see me in this COVID-19 pandemic even though he is the one who has the procedures and expertise to clean up this mess. Then there is Dr. B: the one whose office WILL treat me with IV Ozone this week because hey, I am willing to pay for it. So it is to the office of Dr. B we will go for a systemic treatment of infection and inflammation. Lord willing, I am hoping it helps!
Lots of tears have drained from my face these past few days. I went 8 days with nary a convulsive episode then they returned as my intolerance to pain medication of any type progressed. I went off of icing 24/7 only to return to this treatment so I can sleep at night; it seems to reduce the risk for seizure attacks as well. But make no mistake: the cranial nerve complex in my face, predominantly the trigeminal nerve (teeth) and vestibulocochlear nerve (ears) on the left side are still inflamed. A sharp banging sound of my hubby pounding a board while putting together a raised bed triggered all matter of hell breaking loose! It was all I could do to slam myself down on the sectional before the episode of involuntary shaking, gutteral screams, flexion posturing, leg posturing then flopping, writhing, and finally weeping in exasperation. I was helpless. And I am really spent after years and years and years of this hell.
Somebody please figure out how to calm down these nerves in my face, k? Can’t some dental, medical or otherwise knowledgeable person figure out how to fix it? Will the Great Physician speak healing into my life soon? I know that healing will take time from the second tooth extraction procedure from hell. (The first was in 2015 with extraction of 2 infected teeth and virtually NO PAIN COVERAGE after the first day! It was just too much to bear.) The trauma of these repeated incidences of convulsive episodes, complicated/painful medical procedures, and waning compassion from the medical community create a type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Each new procedure brings grief and tears as I earnestly try to work through issues of appropriate pain management and recommended treatments that my body ends up not tolerating. IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I CAN’T FOLLOW YOUR TEXTBOOK PROCEDURES PEOPLE!!! Welcome to chronic illness! Even when I do the work of researching everything and writing down what works for me, they really don’t care much past the initial service or consult. Dr. L changed one med then prescribed what Dr. L prescribes. ISN’T THIS PART OF YOUR JOB PEOPLE!!!
Looks to me like there is a subset of Docs within any area of practice that really doesn’t like a smart, engaged, researched female patient who is really trying to make your job easier. When I bring a list of questions and show it to you it’s because I am scared and don’t want any further harm than the illness or the potential procedure otherwise might bring. I am trying to make things easier on BOTH OF US. Please listen to me. Please bring your best to our appointment as I will too; I have taken hours and hours to prepare already. I am scared; please be nice to me. Please follow-up with me and allow me to participate in my care. I want to be YOUR BEST PATIENT EVER! If we are successful together then know that I will write your praises everywhere with a clear and compelling testimonial. Isn’t that worth something to you?
I wannabe well. I realize that I might not get to be well. In the meantime I hope at least to have some good moments beyond the medical crap that dominates my life. I fight for moments of normalcy every day despite chronic pain and numerous medical problems. It might be too much to ask for the Docs to want something bigger for me beyond the procedure he or she is rendering. I get it. You have lots of patients and a practice to run and can’t get bogged down with one more problem to solve. Well just maybe this is why you got into the dental or medical field to begin with some years back? Saving lives? Bringing cures? Helping people feel better? Something more than money and prestige must have brought you into one of the most respected professional titles on earth. You can do it Dr. L, Dr. K, Dr. J, Dr. R, and Dr. B. Let’s see you try a little harder for me.
In the meantime I will rest in the arms of Dr. GP, the king of surgery of the heart, mind, and spirit. One day I know that I will be whole again in Your presence. Oh dear Jesus, is this all there is this side of heaven? I’m just so very broken. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your provision in my life including the most incredible helpmate and love on earth for me in Steve. Thank you for the ability today to make a nice meal for us despite the pain and problems. Thank you for protecting us from the virus that is wreaking havoc on our world. Just thank you. JJ
Spring brings the promise of newness of life. It just does. May it do so for you too Gentle Reader.
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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