Holy Spirit – Page 3 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Where have I gone?

Published on January 1, 2014January 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the Wounded3 Comments

Sometimes I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I have used many words for myself such as Julie Anne, Recovering Type A, Recovering Catholic, Adult Child of an Alcoholic, Jul, Child of the King, Snookums, Just Julie, and Booberry. Many other labels inside my head will not make it to this blog as they are unkind and reflect the stinking thinking that was an outcome of my childhood. While I have come a long way there is still so much to do!

My biggest challenge these days is having some kind of identity when my world is smaller; there is less going on. I am sick a lot of the time. I am isolated most days. I go fewer places, see fewer people, engage in fewer activities, and generally do less than at any other time in my life for longer than any other time in my life. Whilst engaging in various activities a person engages in various roles that comprise one’s identity, for example: friend, church goer, Master Gardener, sister, sister in Christ, kayaker, exercise enthusiast, and so on. All of the roles that I have mentioned have severely diminished for me in the past 2 years because of a serious illness. I do not know when this will change. The tendency is to ask the question, “where have I gone?”

I really miss my life before illness. Sure it wasn’t perfect. I still had chronic pain, went to the doctor and had some type of treatment for pain a couple of times per month, and limited my work schedule to a maximum of 30 hours per week. But I was also the most physically fit I had been in my entire life, had the greatest financial freedom that I have ever had, enjoyed rewarding work as an occupational therapist with a flexible schedule, and went to lots of neat places with my amazing husband. My mind was sharp, my confidence was growing, and I felt really loved. Things are more mushy now. Most of the time I feel lost. I am not even convinced I have the correct diagnosis or treatment plan. So this translates into the reality that I don’t really know when I will be well again. This is tough stuff indeed.

And yet there are many new activities that have emerged these past two years. While I don’t work in all-things-gardening as much, I did become an Advanced Master Gardener AFTER I got sick. That was an amazing and humbling accomplishment! The Lord gave me the opportunity to explore blogging, learn more about social media, publish an eBook (Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year), learn to make macramé jewelry, and launch an online jewelry business (Trinity Jewelry by Design). I’ve made some amazing friends via a local Lyme Support Group in addition to some compassionate folks online. I have kept a journal for most of my life and now my blog has a growing list of really cool followers from around the world. Talk about humbling! Wow. If only you could see my heart right now, transforming from an identity crisis between the lines of this blog tonight to a woman with a vision. You do that for me, Gentle Reader, guided by the Holy Spirit. Thank you for listening as this gets worked out within me . . .

If we were to examine the experiences of my life, we would probably agree that I have had a life that has been harder than most. Over and over again I have had to find Little Julie then Jul and Just Julie amidst a firestorm of hurt, loss, and strife. I have come to understand that the Lord has had His guiding hand, loving arms, and protective wing around me all along where the good people and perks of life were missing. He has allowed the trials and tears to bring me closer to Himself, to help me to see beyond the circumstances around me. The Lord has shown me that the bad stuff was not wasted or intended to hurt me. The Lord wants me to be complete and allows all this to conform me into the image of Christ. I pray that I will not lose heart during the refiner’s fire. I pray that I will see His blessings soon as I have seen so many times in the past. I just gotta hang on a little longer, let Him carry me a little more.

Where have I gone? I am in another wilderness experience like Moses and the Israelites of the Old Testament who wandered in the hot, dry desert for decades wondering if they would ever be “there yet.” I must keep my eyes on Jesus: the light that leads and the cloud that blots out the forces of evil that taunt my doubts, fester my feelings of inadequacy. It just doesn’t matter anymore where I have gone. What matters now is where am I going?

Happy new year, Gentle Reader. Will you go with Him too in 2014?

When you know you have to make a decision

Published on July 24, 2013July 26, 2013 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

I suppose that each of us has our own process that we go through when we know that we must make an important decision. Some make lists of pros and cons on either side of the issue, others ask everyone else in their lives for advice, a few go “intellectual” doing exhaustive internet research, and there’s at least a couple of folks who hire an expert to make the decision for them! As Christ-followers, we are called to submit our will to that of the Father (“thy kingdom come, thy will be done”) for His glory, knowing that it will be for our highest good. The Father knows best and knows us best, through our personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This brings peace of mind, confidence in going forward, and hope. But it doesn’t feel very good in the moment sometimes . . .

The fateful night my former spouse was confronted with having an affair, he denied it then proceeded to blame me for having one! Unbelievable! In my shock and horror, I had to make an important decision on the same night that I found out about his affair. From somewhere inside of me I asked Craig to leave for the night. He did. And he never came back again. Well, I wasn’t expecting that for sure! Turns out that his personality would change completely that night. Shortly thereafter, he walked away from virtually everyone he knew, his church, his family, and of course me for a very long time. I understand now that he has reconciled with some of the parties.

The follow-up decision was more difficult: the decision to file for divorce. I wondered how in the world would I support myself in a large city, working part time for health reasons, dealing with two deaths in the family and my mother’s cancer diagnosis, and then losing my job altogether? From somewhere inside of me I found the truth I needed to take the steps needed to reclaim my life. The process took dreadfully long and much more heartache would follow before I was finally independent again. One and one-half years later, I landed in my own place with a new job; I was starting to resurface from the mire, rebuild my life. Then one more devastating blow followed with a condo fire that required me to become displaced for a few months without most of my personal belongings. At this point I was completely lost. Who was I now? The treasured things that provided comfort during one of the biggest transitions of my life were gone, being ozonized in a warehouse somewhere! I crumbled into a shell of a person and would never be the same again.

The next big decision to make was: where to live? From somewhere inside of me I got the idea to ask the elders of my church for guidance. My own father was estranged from my family and thus not available and the ideas of friends and family were all over the map, so to speak. I moved forward with purchasing my own condo with virtually all of my remaining assets and turns out that it was a good choice. The chaos in my life finally stopped and the most important decisions lessened to paint colors and flooring styles. I had a blast decorating my new home. It was beautiful. Even the balcony became a secret garden getaway with some of my favorite flowers and antiques.

And just when I was telling my single girlfriends how much fun we were going to have in the new year, 2007, I came into contact with Steve. Two years after the finalization of the divorce, I decided to return his invitation to call him and before long, my life was moving in the direction of Indiana. Eeeek, Indiana? Folks in Chicagoland equate Indiana with the dirty industrial town of Gary. Steve lived in a relatively small town, 250 miles from where I had been living for 23 years. From somewhere inside of me, I knew that I would be moving to Indiana. Steve’s history resonated so much with mine it triggered a child-like sense of wonder. He flew radio-controlled model airplanes and I grew up with all of the men and boys in my family flying their predecessor: line-controlled airplanes. Steve cycled and so did Craig. Steve had been a leader in his church and so had Craig. The men at church and his sons looked up to Steve and this is where the similarities to Craig ended. Steve’s character exceeded that of most men I had ever met at any time, of any age. I may have fallen in love with him before we even met. We became friends over the phone lines. From somewhere inside of me I knew that Steve was set apart for me.

As time went on, my process of making decisions would change. From somewhere inside of me I learned to ask Steve about the decisions in my life as a way of honoring him, improving communication between us, and bringing us closer together. I learned that it is the Lord’s design for a man to lead his household and his wife as an expression of love, obedience to Christ, and his protection and care for her. This independent-minded Chicagoland healthcare professional would be transformed into a loving wife who seeks to please her husband as the Lord leads and empowers me to do so. I am grateful, I am humbled to say that submission to Steve has made me a better person. Wow. I am still a work in progress in this regard and that’s what grace brings.

So why did I write this blog anyways? It is rather shocking perhaps to bare the hairy details of a painful process of divorce and maybe uncomfortable for others to read how the Lord may actually have had a hand in such things to bring about a greater good. Even the goodness does not cover the pain that can remain until it gets worked out, let go of over an indefinite amount of time. So many people got during hurt these past 10 years in addition to me, in addition to Steve. I grieve the loss of family life that Steve’s four children had to endure through the heartache of their own divorce story. Tis pretty clear why God hates divorce. He wants to spare us these wounds and give us much goodness through the joys of family life. In the end, from somewhere inside of us, we must decide to trust Him, know that He is God, know that He loves and knows us intimately, and that “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.” It is our decision to use that which God allows in our lives to grow us into better human beings, better stewards of His gifts, grace, and promises. He uses the very hurt that grieves us to bring unspeakable joy if we but bother to recover from that hurt, let go, and keep moving forward until His return someday in glory.

For those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit is that which can move “from somewhere inside of us.” He is my Heavenly Husband, my first true love who knew me before time began, before I was born. My decision today is to continue to look to Him for things big and small, following the lead of my earthly husband as well. If the Lord is faithful in the crises of life, as this blog shows that He has been so exceedingly, He will be faithful in the breath-by-breath wonderings I face today as well.

Ahhhhh. Such a great reminder from You inside my heart on a wacky Tuesday. Thanks Lord.

The German Shepherd Gets It

Published on June 23, 2013June 23, 2013 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

All we have is this moment in time. I mean who can make sure a birthday cake comes out right tomorrow when it is today? Who can redo a soggy flower bed from last year on a wintery day? The best strategy is to stay in the moment where we can do our best to be mindful of the Lord and if He leads, do our best work, best thinking, best living.

³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

These themes were revealed today by our German shepherd dog, Elle. I decided to push the limit of my activity level and do a few things outdoors in the heat. After making it through my husband’s kayak race at the Fort Wayne Riverfest, I was very warm, straining to function and all-around uncomfortable. Nonetheless, since I was still covered with sunscreen and bug spray so when I got home, I figured this would be a good time to replant 2 pots, feed our acid-loving plants in the patio garden, and so on before coming into the house to take a shower. Elle was outside with me doing the things she likes to do too: sniff, sniff, sniff! Not 15 minutes had gone by before our generally obedient pup was gone from my watchful eye. “Whhhhhhit,” I called. No dog. She usually comes racing around the house back to me when I whistle for her. Hmmmm.

But of course! It’s very humid and above 80 degrees F outside today. The clouds are long gone and she was panting rather hard not long after joining me in the yard. Guess the sip of water from the garden hose wasn’t enough for her. Elle had taken herself for a swim! She loves to “play hippo” as my husband calls it, in the neighborhood pond behind our property. She stays in the water long enough to cool her belly then wanders out into the public area around the pond to sniff out some rabbit tracks and inspect the perimeter of our neighbor’s backyard. I whistled a little louder. Yeah, a wet dog came a running!

The German shepherd gets it. She got hot. She wanted relief. She went for a swim in the pond and came back to her usual activities thereafter. Oh to be able to think like a dog sometimes! Elle keeps it simple. Not me. I continued to pot up some vinca flowers despite the sweat running into my eyes causing tremendous burning, first the right eye and then the left. “I can’t stop,” I tell myself, “because I would have to go into the house to wash my hands then go to the bathroom and get distracted by 5 other things and never get back outside to finish if I do.” Geez. In the 12-Step programs they used to call that “stinking thinking.” To do first that which is most important is another slogan from my ACOA days. Maybe I don’t trust myself when I’m feeling crummy? Guess I haven’t learned to apply all of the slogans yet. Guess I’m still struggling with a pared down version of Matthew 6:34 as well. Forget worrying about tomorrow, I’m stressed about the next moment!

The significance of this behavior goes beyond the sweat in my eyes. I am also dealing with and increase in noxious symptoms from a short course of antibiotics for an infection. Add to that the aftermath of two terrible episodes of seizure attacks before and after an MRI yesterday, broken sleep, heat intolerance requiring me to leave the races before some additional events, and low blood sugar, it seems like I should be inside the house taking care of myself anyways. Sigh. But I want to work in my garden!

I want to do it all and it hurts me sometimes when I do. In doing so, I get in my own way of feeling good. So I’m going to be gentle with myself as I work on this tendency and apply some Biblical truth that will last, will transform me. Let’s see, at the time I am writing this the internet connection went down. I copied the draft into a word document so I wouldn’t lose my precious thoughts. This means that I can’t search some fancy Bible verse website for just the right verse to get me moving in the right direction. It also means that I must go and get out the Big Book itself. Hmmmmm again. I haven’t had my quiet time with the Lord yet today. Perhaps you can guess, gentle reader, what needs to happen next?

Seeya later. It’s time my moment counts for Him and not me. We’ll talk later.

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Addendum: As soon as I turned off the computer the Holy Spirit gave me the verse before the one above. Thank you Lord