Leaving empty spaces in the blocks that measured time.
Oh how I valued my days, my worth by that thingy
When asked to justify this or that,
I could find the day/the hour when the lost hope began
From another closed door once opened with promise, no less.
(Oh why cannot I recall the goodies lain in there too?)
So many files on paper or electronic memory stored away
In my weighty storage that marks thy years, thy self
Perhaps defining who I was over the decades
Including these five years of hell that came to roost.
“But what if I forget?” was be my byline to save
The records of divorce, of deaths, of expertise, of treatments once lived . . .
I suppose I collected hoping to arise somehow better
And yet somehow as my receptacles filled my person emptied too.
Perhaps now is the time to infill on the inside
Not in a black metal coffin with folders numbered by letter
But by character and trust:
That the Holy Spirit within me holds it all in order anyways.
He knows what I will need, where the important things are in His care
When I draw on my Lord’s infinity —
Not the confines of my mind or spaces
Lest I limit my future by my past by carrying too many things.
Yes, let the purging begin.
Let the trusting run faster and freely.
Let the light of hope return even in the faintest of twilight.
Let me start over with a new ending: this time Divine. JJ
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Gentle Reader: This day for us both “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:17-19
It’s easy to bemoan the slide of morality in the United States recently escalated by the legalization of gay marriage. What is natural to the human body has now been publicly adulterated by the unnatural. The institution of marriage, which was created by God, has been changed by a few willful and unlawful men who did not even create the institution of marriage. Alas another door has opened in our lives that will ultimately hurt everyone when his or her rainbow-colored eyes finally open to see it. But most of us will never see the damage coming until it is too late . . .
When the truth, the pain of what we have done to ourselves is revealed, we will mourn. Others will mourn the horror of what our complacency, our tolerance has produced. Further, things will go horribly wrong even for those who believe that free living is right: things that they could only imagine in a sex-slave murder mystery will come into their reality and hurt them too. And those of us who have attempted to shine a light or sound an alarm on the moral decline will realize that what we have tried to do could never be enough to change unbridled evil. Eventually, we all will grieve but for very different reasons.
So who will carry all of our tears? Who will carry your grief and mine? “Who” indeed.
Chad Ryan | The Journal Gazette Five-year old Braxton Davis joined the work crew 6.27.15 at Opechee Way and Nokomis Road, using his toy wheel barrow to remove leaves after a large tree fell in the front yard of his house at the Indian Village intersection.
The cute picture above denotes how we have trivialized the important issues of our day. The picture above denotes how we have traded our core values and beliefs for a picture of life that feels good in the moment. We have minimized the significance, the impact that our actions, our public statements, our private thoughts, the work of our hands can truly have in the larger picture of life. These are not a small issues. Eventually the magnitude and truth of who we are is always revealed. Eventually a tiny wheel barrow carried by a child that is supposed to help us feel good about hundreds of thousands of dollars of storm damage will be crushed by the tsunami of horror headed our way. Our world will never be the same for you and me beginning the events of June 26, 2015.
We cannot fix this. No one individual, you or me, can carry us through to a better future. No one: no President, no preacher, no crafty writer, no partner, no one can fix what is coming for us or carry our wheelbarrow of tears. We are alone to face the consequences of these actions. If we want the pain, the grief to stop then we will have to take our sorrow somewhere many of us have never gone before . . . But where?
We understand the dilemma inside our own home too, in another way. Last night was hell for me and Steve. In the middle of 3 1/2 hours of continuous convulsive episodes, I struggled to squeak out a request for him to carry me to the bathroom. I was also in the middle of a 24-hour urine hormone test procedure so imagine my shame in trying to figure out what to do when my hands or legs were not working right. Neurological collapse had settled in. Gratefully as soon as he got me upright and helped me with a sip of water, I could use my hands well enough to position the urine cup myself when sitting on the toilet. I was able to get the sample and dump it into the collection receptacle resting in the bottom of the tub next to the toilet. Steve then helped me back to bed just in time for the next round of head-banging, wailing, tears, and terrible pain. And so it went for the sixth night in a row.
I am grateful that when Steve is home, he is very capable of carrying me. He has done so a hundred times. He has held me through the ugliest of moments, fed me, clothed me, prayed, and artfully let his deft gallows humor fly at just the right moment in time when we both needed it! Then there were the thousands of times when he was not there and I still needed help. I needed to get to the bathroom but my legs would not move. My throat was parched from cries of sheer angst, hyperventilation, sweats episodes, and chronic dehydration. I wondered if my next breath would arrive or not. My tummy growled for hours and I could do nothing to satisfy the hunger. My brain became too numb to figure out what was in my ability to do or not anyways. Oh the neck pain from the seizing! Fearful thoughts, not my own, pushed into my mind by force of some electrical misfiring that goes with seizure activity. And I cried deeply, feeling alone.
In those moments, Jesus Christ carries me (John 16:32). I am not alone! Jesus Christ carries and equips Steve over and over again for the tasks at hand in our marriage (1 Peter 4:10). Jesus Christ will also carry those who do not know him whenever, wherever they finally reach out for help (Psalm 10:17). Our God, Jesus Christ, is worthy of our reach since He created us out of love: shown to all as He grieved bloody tears for our sorrow, our pain (John 11:35) that we endure in this life. He existed before the time, space, and material that characterizes our lives (John 1:1-4) and is the very reason that we are here. He loves us more than we can ever imagine and is always here for us, no matter what is going on around us (or within us!) (Matthew 28:20).
Further, we can never say that what freedoms we want, doubts we have about our lives, or the philosophy in our own minds will have anything to do with Who God is. God, the triune Holy Spirit, Father, and Son (Jesus Christ), is separate from mankind and is not subject to the constraints of this earthly life. Our ideas simply cannot match up. We will never fully understand Who He is with our finite minds so rejecting Him won’t get you anywhere worthwhile. The answer to our questions, our unmet needs in life is belief.
Because we are finite, we must place our belief in that which is infinite: true yesterday, today and tomorrow. The only entity that is infinite is God. He never changes. He is perfect, all-knowing and we are not. We can reach out to Him in with our tears, know that He cares (Psalm 139:17-18), know that He has our back (Jeremiah 29:11), and live on with hope for tomorrow amidst our trials, our heartache. It follows then that our victory over the heartaches of this life is in Christ alone: the Son of God. Jesus Christ, manifest in His Word (the Bible), reflected in His creation, and felt through the longing inside our hearts, is not bound by our limited view of the world. Jesus transcended this life when He died on the cross and rose from the dead. Jesus Christ will “carry” each of us through the mysteries of life to a better place when we place our trust in Him (John 3:16).
Our Lord Jesus Christ made the difference for me and Steve last night and a hundred other horrible nights. Jesus Christ will make the difference for you too in everything, Gentle Reader, whether you choose to believe in Him now or at another time. But why wait? Why not enjoy His transcendent peace, love, joy, hope, and more right now?
For the believer in Jesus Christ, it doesn’t really matter for our future, what is going on around us in the world right now. We will live infinitely longer in heaven with God than the time it takes to complain about a Supreme Court decision. Join me in doing what we can to love people, all people. Reaffirm in our minds that we ultimately place our trust in only one place: the Person of Jesus Christ. He is the One Who matters most. He is the One who will carry us from here into our blessed eternity with Him. And that is a celebration worth waiting talking about!
But, dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ foretold. 18 They said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires.”19 These are the people who divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit.
20 But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit,21 keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. (Jude 17-21)
The Lord is the one who carries me for sure. What do you say we go together?
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1 (NIV)
To receive salvation granted by grace is our greatest opportunity in this life. In accepting this invitation, we will know Who holds our future in highest regard and security. We will then enjoy the freedom to live our lives as God designed, as God intended. Our lives will be meaningful! He gave us so much goodness to enjoy in our lifetimes: enough to encourage us when things are not so good or down right evil. Through it all, with Him, we can live without fear and are never truly alone. We can live life with abandon! We can love fully and receive the fullness of love from others especially from our Creator. Indeed His gracious gifts mean even more than “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!”
I believe in saving grace and it came despite horrific trials. Many trials. Years of trials. A lifetime of trials. Hey, while my life has not been easy it has not been all bad either. I am grateful for much blessing and my eternal security in Christ Jesus. It is because of the trials that I no longer fear the worst possible outcome: death itself. I have faced death many times. For example, on my own could I ever be free in my spirit after witnessing attempted murder? Abandonment? Poverty? Abuse? Physical pain? Agonizing seizure attacks for years? The answer to all of these is YES I CAN. I can be free and yes I am free in Christ Jesus. With His amazing grace I am also free of the fear of death. With that out of the way, I have a new sense of LIFE and I am exceedingly grateful for it!
Lately I have considered launching a new business. As I pondered the best and worst-case scenarios of starting my own company, a question arose about life and death that is stirring my soul.
What if a customer someday dies because of a flaw in my product or services?
O.k. so you might not be the type who “starts with the end in mind” yet this is where my mind goes more often than I care to admit. In other words, what if either the products of my company or something related to my design or advice are to blame for the loss of life of another human being? That person would be someone’s son or daughter; someone’s mother or father, sister or brother could be gone forever! Someone dying because of me directly or indirectly would be tragic. I would be devastated! Surely my family and employees would be affected too. We might lose the business that we worked so hard to create. Our grief could make it difficult to recover emotionally in the years thereafter. How could our lives go on with the guilt, the pain, the horror, the shame?
There is another, hidden layer to my character that relates to this subject of life and death. It’s a part of me that I have never really understood until now. A handwriting analyst in the 1960’s nailed it down for me when I was a girl struggling to find my way through childhood. Everything in my life at that time had to be just so and if it was not, I was very vocal about it! Imagine a 6-year old kid criticizing the way her teacher was reading a book to her first grade class! After all, Mrs. C was not doing it the way that Mrs. B read books in my kindergarten class and that was not right. I understand that I was sent to the coat closet for such offenses more than once!
I have come to understand that the ability to be flexible, spontaneous, open to new things including CHANGE, comes from an inner sense of security. If at an early age we are 1) affirmed in ourselves, our abilities, 2) believe that the world around us is relatively safe, and 3) there is love and affection to comfort us (from a parent or heavenly Father), then we can deal with the imperfections of life. If any of those three elements are missing then our ability to live outside our comfort zone flounders. We will strive for things to be “black and white” when much of life is simply “gray.” Letting go of control and dealing with the ambiguities of life is easier with the character qualities also known as gifts of the Holy Spirit: patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Further, the gifts of peace, love, and joy will follow for the mature believer in Jesus Christ who can live in the world just as it is. A controlling person is told to somehow, “grow up and smell the roses.” I have found that this is impossible without the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. Who knows what growing up means anyways?
At one time, deep in my character I did not care about the things that I should. For me in the past, having a severely controlling nature went beyond my birth order as the oldest in both of my parent’s families! (Bossy sister? Yeah, I heard that one more than I care to admit.) There was a disconnect that went deeper. At the core of my character I knew that I could harbor hate, malice, distrust, anger, jealousy, and much more ugliness than I care to disclose. Somewhere in my unrepentant gut was a self -centeredness that put myself above all others in such a sick way that I might not care if another human being got harmed around me. This is a horrible quality to have. This is the consequence of woundedness. This is the result of growing up without the safety and security needed to fully bond to the human race. This also made me feel profoundly alone.
At it’s core, I believe that my disconnectedness ultimately did not come from me. I believe that this kind of strife comes from our sin nature that is part of the human condition; I just got a boost in the wrong direction in the form of a largely unhappy childhood. What I would do with all of that was up to me when I was introduced to the plan of salvation through our redeemer Jesus Christ. We are all born with the propensity to sin until truly loved and trained away from it. Just watch a 2-year old rip a toy out of the hand of a younger sibling! Yes, even a darling 2-year old has a sin nature!
Jesus came to earth to re-connect us to our heavenly Father by washing away our sins with His grace. Those who believe in His work on the cross receive forgiveness, a new nature, and the spiritual gifts noted above. Unshakeable peace, love, joy and more come into our lives. Jesus came and through our walk with the Holy Spirit we become freed from the character flaws of our sin nature. This process continues until the day of our death. And deep within our character we can heal and deal with all that is not quite right with our world, growing to become the man or woman He intended for us to be. We can be whole. As we do so, we can fully love one another, forgive those who trespass against us and live victoriously beyond our temptations. We can be free to receive much goodness, do many good things.
When someone passes away, a person with a right heart grieves the loss. Jesus showed us this tender quality when His friend Lazarus died and at the cross. I know that my heart is more full now than ever before as evidenced by my ability to recognize and feel grief when someone dear leaves this life. I feel very sad. I also feel more compassion now than ever before as a result of healing from the losses in my own life. So while I am aware of the character flaw I once carried of depersonalization, I know that the Lord is filling the ugliness of my sin nature with His perfect love. I know that He loves me more than anyone else can ever love me. I feel His love directly and through the people His has placed in my life today. I feel more connected to the other wonderful sojourners in my life than ever before and it is good.
If I start a new company and there is a tragic loss of life or injury for any reason, I trust that the Lord will go before me to guide my thoughts, my heart, my actions, my speech. I pray that between now and that day, should it ever come, that He will grow me in His character so that I may fully love that grieving family or person. Lord help me to do what I can to make things right should a tragedy come to pass. Thank you for breaking the bondage of my past. Most importantly today, help me to design products, services, and educational materials that preserve long and happy lives for others I may serve. May my future customers and employees see Your touch of grace upon my life as it shines through the company I believe you are entrusting to me. May I hold everything gratefully, responsibly, and lightly: ready to carry it or let it go as You desire. You are most important to me, my dear Jesus. You saved me from sin and death for such a time as this . . .
Gentle Reader: shall we start a two step solution together that makes life easier for everyone? Hmmmm. My mother was a gifted writer and my father was an amazing inventor. I have learned much from their skills and abilities. Ah yes, I see a Business Plan coming together.
Recently a friend challenged me on my reading of a popular devotional by Sarah Young,Jesus Calling (2004, Thomas Nelson Inc.) Since I have referenced at least two of her daily devotions in this blog, I thought I should discuss the book here. Here is my reply:
I re-read the Introduction to Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling plus a few devotionals, listened to Warren Smith’s presentation last year on You Tube about the book (July 24, 2013), and checked out Hank Haanagraf’s remarks from one of his Bible Answer Man broadcasts (November 16, 2012). I see valid criticisms. Sarah Young fails to put a clear focus on the sovereignty of God separate from us; by speaking in the first person she blurs the line. Missing is mention of a clear path to salvation (and the gifts of eternal life in addition to true peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) that comes only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. She tends to bring God along with her instead of placing God as head of the body of Christ; this is often the sign of a carnal Christian or new believer. The book also uses metaphors and popular analogies that are not necessarily Biblical to bring the reader into the perspective of how God might view our daily lives. Her focus on these types of experiences can be problematic for many reasons including misleading a person who tends to be led by emotion instead of the immutable truth of the Word of God. And lastly, the book does nothing to point a seeker to the Bible, a healthy well-balanced Christian church, fellowship with other believers, or educate him or her on the basic tenants of Christian faith.
If Jesus Calling were a Bible commentary, it would fail. If Jesus Calling was intended as a tool for evangelism, it would fail. If Jesus Calling was designed to be used by apologists to defend the faith, they would lose the debate. While she quotes relevant verses with each devotional, her applications might not be universal to everyone (and Warren Smith knocks down many of them). Perhaps she could be more accurate. Perhaps she was taking a little extra literary license to illustrate the softer themes of life represented with verses that are more easily understood?
I am sad that a warm and friendly book that greases the seeker’s heart with a beginning understanding of the nature of God cannot also be more direct about essentials of the Christian faith too. Perhaps a Max Lucado book would do better? He uses poetry and prose with loving imagery to reach the broken hearted as well. Maybe at some level both authors are similar? You could say that their feel-good books distract a person from delving into the Bible yet they could also give another person a place to go when the Bible is just too intimidating. A scholarly book (i.e. the Bible or a commentary) and a scathing review by a New Age fear-monger such as Warren Smith, will not comfort the heart of a person in crisis!
Sarah Young’s book could use some other improvements. I don’t know why her testimony in the beginning does not include a salvation story per se. Does this mean that she is not saved? We just don’t know. Again it is often literary license that an author uses more general terms of faith so as not to scare off wounded seekers that really need Him! Jesus Calling may still be useful as an introduction to a more personal God for a lost soul who may have been hurt by religion or a skewed view of who He really is. Seeing how God really does understand, cares about the details of one’s daily life, and is ever near is clear on these pages. Reading this could help old wounds to heal. Women often need this most. Their minds will still need truth so the seeker should not end his or her search with Jesus Calling, however. The book should have ended with an invitation to a closer relationship with God through His son, Jesus Christ and encourage the reader in his or her next steps as noted in my first paragraph. It does not.
Is it New Agey? The fact that Sarah does not go deeper into essential matters of Christian doctrine could make it look like just another feel good book about a generic God. One might begin to pick apart themes in the devotionals and say that the God in Jesus Calling is not the God of the Bible. And if the God in the book is not the God of the Bible then it must be about Satan or some New Age alternative that is neither one. So the next step could be to claim that Jesus Calling is a New Age book because of this and because of its use of terms reflective of popular culture, the New Age movement. Yes all of this could be true and indirectly move a seeker away from the One true God that he or she had hoped to find in an empty book. Or maybe not. I have more faith in the Lord’s plan for those who earnestly seek after Him. He calls His own. Her or she will find Him in a babbling brook if that is His will!
Many would criticize my own bridge to faith in Christ that was built through the 12 steps of Al Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics. The daily devotional, One Day at a Time, is quite vanilla. The God of the 12 Steps is generic albeit consistent with the basic tenants of a Christian faith from the Bible. Tis sad that many stop at “recovery” and faith in a Higher Power in these meetings and never find the God of the Bible. But the Lord had a plan for me from that feel-good experience and used those 9 years for His glory. I would have never approached the throne of grace had I not healed from so much while sitting around the tables, held in the basement of many churches and not in the sanctuary.
I make two references to Jesus Calling in my eBook, Hope Beyond Lyme: The First Year. In the first I quote a nice encouragement Sarah Young gives about: 1) many of us seeing only a part or the “tip of the iceberg” when faced with confusing situations and 2) our needing to trust God for that which we cannot see or comprehend: mysteries. The second time I quote the book I name both Mrs. Young’s devotional along with a secular book of comedy as books with some wisdom but that both are second to the Bible. I wonder if my friend misunderstood me: Jesus Calling is not my second favorite book! I read Jesus Calling over these past 2 years when I was in crisis every day and struggled to hold a heavy Bible let alone concentrate on it. Because it comforted me I included it when writing the eBook. I read my Bible most days anyways, of course! The centrality of the Bible for me and for the eBook should be clear by the over twenty passages of scripture quoted and referenced.
No book is a replacement for the truth, hope, and eternal significance of the Holy Bible. Today I am grateful to have a Bible App on my smart phone that I can easily hold in the palm of my hand in bed during trying times. The Lord has opened my mind to more of His Word and the ability to concentrate on it too. I am grateful for a temporary tool, a small devotional book, that the Lord used to comfort my heart until I could read His Word again. I pray for spiritual armor to protect me and wisdom to discern any unsound doctrine that would harm my relationship to my King, my Savior, Jesus Christ. I also pray that the millions of readers of Jesus Calling would continue to seek the Lord and find Him in the person of Jesus Christ alone. Thank you Lord for my friend’s willingness to dialogue on this important topic. May it all be for Your glory, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
I was talking to God the other day, the night before the big snowstorm hit the Midwest and the night before this head cold took me out for a few days. It was after 2:00 a.m. The house was quiet, the Christmas tree still stood tall and magical in the living room, the pup was warming herself on the rug in front of the floor vent in the kitchen. My beloved was fast asleep in bed down the hall. Here I was prowling about the house as usual in the wee hours of the morning.
Usually I head to the kitchen for a snack before my 3:00 a.m. bedtime and read the Bible verses for the previous day from the Android Bible App. After that I’ll finish perusing any garden catalogs that have come in the mail, clean up the kitchen and head to bed. But something gave me pause. I believe it was the leading of the Holy Spirit beckoning me to come dwell before the throne of grace before retiring for the night. And so I did.
I sat in my favorite little chair in the living room and looked out over our home. Gratitude overwhelmed me as I realized all of the blessings laid out before me. The Lord had restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) and provided nice furnishings, my husband’s shiny kayaking trophies, beautiful hardwood flooring and more for our lovely home. Laughter and activity filled these spaces just 6 days before as all of my husband’s children visited with their loved ones in person or via Skype. I was blessed to be able to serve them with treats and home cooked meals before turning in early to rest and recover for the night (sight unseen). All they saw was the good stuff and that is o.k. Sitting before me were opened gifts still gathered under the tree: sweet and thoughtful too. My Lord has been so good to me!
Then I heard a whisper, a presence as if my Counselor, Friend were sitting there right with me in the twilight. He reassured me that everything would be o.k. He allowed me to fill my heart with memories and reminders of His goodness that would be needed in the difficult days ahead. He made it clear that He would always be with me and have my best interests at heart. My Jesus filled me with His love that night. It was a sweet treat indeed.
Taking time to be alone with our Heavenly Father, our Heavenly Husband, our Immanuel makes the days, the nights more meaningful. I know that when I stop for a moment of reflection, I can see His hand leading me, holding me, carrying me, protecting me. I trust that you will see Him too as this Christmas season draws to a close. His omnipresence reassures me that He will be there with you in your time of need just as He is here with me now and the other day. If you don’t know God personally, I pray that you will spend some time with Him and His Word alone somewhere meaningful to you. I tell ya, it’s a really cool thing to do!
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13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)
Jesus is for the Wounded 
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