Tag: grace

Cave Dweller That I Am

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Yesterday I found out that my cousin, Lisa, has a tendency to keep the blinds in her house closed when times get tough.  Yeah, that’s me too.  Until we reunited over my brother’s illness, I did not know that she too battles fibromyalgia and a host of “female,” medical issues.  She is at the beginning of her search for treatment options.  We talked quite a bit about these and other family matters while sitting in my brother’s private room on the Telemetry floor at the Detroit hospital.  And so it goes at weddings, funerals and the markers of life in between:  catching up on relationships we are too busy to nourish when busy with the tasks of life . . .

Steve and I got home around midnight after our whirlwind trip to see Mike in the hospital yesterday.  (Steve had to work today and I’m allergic to hotel rooms anyways!)  I am both depleted and grateful for so much today.  Steve drove us the 6-hours round trip so we could see Lisa, Mike, and his fiancé (Lisa) while I endured seizure attack episodes in the car.  Our departure was a few hours late due to the same.  Divine timing superseded it all as we were able to see a physician familiar with Mike’s care during her evening rounds and before we had to leave.  As of today he has been cleared of any infectious disease cause to the right CVA; he continues nothing-by-mouth yet is getting his “Pepsi” substitute via IV glucose.  Pepsi is all he kept asking for . . . in addition to asking his fiancé to wish me a “happy birthday.”  Yes, I got to see my brother for the first time in years yesterday and on my birthday.  Strange but true.

Today I am back in cave-dweller mode.  The grief reaction of seeing him so debilitated is taking its toll so I am just lying low for now.  I tried out a new ceramic frying pan to make my Candida diet/mold-free/low oxalate blueberry pancakes and kept the beast of a skillet on the stove long enough to make lunch this afternoon too.  Perhaps I will shower before my husband comes home this evening and perhaps not.  The extra (stress?) seizure attacks and post-travel fatigue probably contributed to me missing the very chiropractic treatment I needed to relieve my sore back.  Oh well.  The Lord has given me the time and space I need to clear my head from the events of this week and that is good.  Catching up with other relatives today while sharing the news about my brother is good too.

My relationship to one cave dweller in particular is making a difference right now.  So poetic that all of this is happening in my life during the week that the world celebrates Easter.  Our Lord, Jesus Christ lain in state in a cave after dying a tortuous death on a cross for the sins of me and you.  We can point to Easter Sunday with hope that the suffering of our lives (the consequence of living in a fallen, sin-laden world) will be redeemed when He comes again in glory.  He who has victory over death both knows the cries of our hearts and holds them in the palm of His hand that reaches out to us in grace, in mercy, in love.  He is with me here now and goes before me no matter what the next moment may bring for me or Mike.  I am strong in this belief despite the weakness of my broken frame.  Nothing can take this away for those in Christ.   Nothing!

Cave Tomb of Jesus

So if you are feeling weak, vulnerable, fearful, doubtful, or sad this day:  take heart.  The Lord is on the throne of grace and weeps for our suffering.  He will come again in glory and make all things new someday.  In the meantime I hope that you will reach out to Him and let me know how it goes.  We all can be brought into the light of His amazing grace to dwell in His presence if we but believe.

Where does your heart dwell Gentle Reader?

Psalm 73

23 Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

Who He Is

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We all have some level of common sense:  that which we can agree is reasonable in any given situation.  Then again I have found that common sense just isn’t that common anymore!

I listen with intrigue when hearing the real-life experiences of others who have been successful at something.  Gaining triumph over tragedy.  Seeking good after playing with evil a bit too much.  Finding wisdom over folly.  Finishing a difficult task.  Inspiring others with your amazing story.  All this is good and unites us in our humanity when we can relate to the experiences of others.  I have heard from those who have travelled extensively overseas that most people around the world want the same things for their families and from their relationships with others no matter our cultural differences might be.  Thus we can all celebrate when the “human spirit” triumphs:  the good guy wins, the lonely widow finds love, and the person who passes on from this life having left a legacy for others to follow.

But what if there is more?  What if there is a source to that common sense that is in-bred between the strands of our DNA?  What if the innate knowledge of good and evil transcends the do’s and don’ts our elders taught us growing up?  And what if we all could persevere beyond both the winning and the losing?  After all, we all lose our lives in the end and cannot take any relationship, thing, achievement, or fit body with us.  We probably should keep trying to get it right anyways!  And that is very hard to do on our own.

When we find the true meaning of life, how the heck we got here, our giftedness, the Master plan for our lives, and humbly receive with gratitude our lot in life then we can be truly alive.   How do we find these?  We find our answers when we invite the Lord Jesus Christ into our hearts.  We learn about Jesus (who is one with the Father and the Holy Spirit) by reading the Bible, in prayer and meditation, in fellowship with others in the body of Christ.  The person of Jesus Christ created us in His own image; he draws us near to love and follow Him.  In doing so we grow in wisdom and all of the fruits of the spirit:  peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.  (Galatians 5:22-23)  Our purpose, our reason for being here can become clearer.  We then grow in understanding as we mature as believers, gaining wisdom from the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, our Counselor.

In the words of the Apostle Paul to you Gentle Reader,

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.  (Ephesians 1)

He is the One who will receive us in all of His glory at our finish line when our days are done.  How well will we finish the race of our lives?  (Check out Hebrews 12:1-3.)  I’m trying remain humble on that one for sure.  Maybe you already have a personal relationship with God through His son, Jesus Christ.  I am delighted to meet you here as we will surely have great fellowship in heaven someday!

As Easter approaches this is a great time to revisit who God really is to each one of us.  We can all use this season commemorating His tremendous love for us as an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord.  Realizing this tonight was brought forth in meeting a few gals who have endured then overcame much heartache in their lives.  Me too.  Thank you Lord for leading me to your throne of grace.  Sure would be great if finding who You really are was even more common as common sense is too.

kneeling in prayer

He knows me so well

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There comes a time when you know that you just don’t know what the plan is.  There you go, Mrs. Wesolowski, my late English teacher and queen of everything in life but the dangling participle.  Forgive me but in 11th grade I would have no idea where I would land just past mid life.  The dangling participle is apropos.  I am lost as to my exact location.  All I know is how I got here.  I have no idea what the game plan is.  Thankfully, to Him I am right where I am supposed to be.

I don’t believe I have ever had so many noxious symptoms at the same time for such a long period of time.  Just when I believe that the Lord is bringing me some relief or leading me to some new insight into what to do, I find that I am still clueless.  I am working hard to no avail (i.e. extremely restrictive diets, daily treatment logs, internet research, networking, and so on).  And then a new problemmo emerges.  Perhaps if I could scope my own gut or brain I would feel a little better about things, more in control I suppose.  That won’t happen of course so I am left at the hands of overstressed and overworked medical professionals who need to make sure their butts are covered and tracks are documented in a government database.  Type, type, type during my appointment, noting the results of some test.  “Look me in the eye!”  is all I am asking.  Just once look me in the eye and ask me, “how are you feeling today?”  After all, that is why I am there!  I know that I “have a lot going on,” and am “sensitive” to virtually all of the treatments prescribed.  Then again who really knows if just one more test or consultation will really make a difference at this point.  While I do believe that I will be well someday  even if it is in heaven, I have no idea how to live until then anymore.

The bottom line for me is this:  I am not well and it is not changing.

Now with that out of my head and onto the page I find that there is nothing left to write.  There is nothing left to say.  I am at my wits end with a beat up body and depleted spirit.  There is only one place to go since crashing in the bed did not bode me well earlier this evening.  That place is the foot of the cross of my Lord, Jesus Christ.  You know my aching heart.  You knew me before I was born and all of the days of my life.  You saw this breaking point long before it came.  All the breakdowns that have gone before were just a warm up.  I give up.  Take me as I am.   crucifix

Sorry, Gentle Reader.  This blog has no insight or answer by its weary end tonight.

Pray without ceasing

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16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5

The pages of my journal are color coded for quick reference to the various noxious symptoms of this ongoing illness.  This system helps when making medical summary documents or answering questions during doctor appointments.  It looks like every line has either blue (for headache), green (pain), orange (seizure attacks), purple (nightmares or waking terrors), or red (flu-like sickness) today.  Whew!  I had planned to write the hairy details directly from my journal for my blog entry today but I think that just mentioning the rainbow of wacky stuff going on is good enough.  But don’t worry.  I am more stable now.  I slept until 5:00 p.m. today with about 1 1/2 hours awake this morning for breakfast and journaling.  This is crazy stuff man.

And yet every speck of color and it’s accompanying saga are part of the Lord’s perfect plan for my life.  I am sad that Steve has to endure this too.  Yet as a believer, to have a wife with a serious illness is part of the Lord’s Divine plan for his life as well.  How this works is such a mystery!  So for me, if I am to live as Christ then I must take His Words into my heart and allow them to breathe life into my achy body each day.  I must pray without ceasing, give thanks for all the goodness that continues all around me, and know that He can use everything for His glory.  This is a mighty responsibility.  Hope I get it right!

Will this time of illness refine me in some way?  Perhaps.  I know that in another time of my life, repeated trials softened the harsh edges of my personality.  I learned that I have a Heavenly Husband and grew in fellowship with Him.  (Oh how I wish every married woman would know the joy of having a perfect partner in life as manifest in the Lord so she could cut her earthly husband some slack a little more often!)  I also witnessed the amazing provision of my King in what appeared to me as “upside down and backwards” most of the time.  In the end, the pieces of my frazzled life came together perfectly.  I even met my knight in shining aluminum (aka the 24-foot box truck that Steve rented to move me from Illinois to Indiana!) who has shown me love like no other person on this earth.  The Lord restored the years the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25) so to speak, and I was set to live happily ever after . . .

When there’s a major turn of events in the life of a believer, chances are there’s also a major opportunity to receive something wonderful that could not come any other way.  Who changes his or her personality just because it’s Saturday?  No, it usually takes a major train wreck or two for that to happen!  Because the Lord has shown me His faithfulness, His heart, and blessings even in heartache, I will continue to choose to lean on Him, wait on Him for all things.

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.  For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the thing which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These colorful experiences of mine, good and bad are temporary.  Thank goodness!  Allow me to share with you one more passage that brings this hope home in my heart:

You, who have shown me great and severe troubles, shall revive me again, and bring me up again from the depths of the earth.  You hall increase my greatness and comfort me on every side.  Also with the lute I will praise You — and your faithfulness, O my God!  Psalm 71

We have a Heavenly Father who promises to be with us though all of the trials of our lives and redeem them for eternal glory.  Come to His throne of grace with me Gentle Reader and bring before Him all your weariness, hurts and pain.  He sees them and carries them with us.  And one day they will be washed away when either He comes again for His own or we join Him when our time here is through.

Matisse Tree of Life
Matisse Tree of Life

If you do not know Him as Lord and Savior of your life, well, you are missing out on perfect peace and so much more.  I pray that you will consider following Jesus as Lord and Savior of your life.  If you make that decision today, please contact me and tell me all about it.  If you rededicate your love for Him, please tell me that too.  After all, to reach others for Christ is the main reason why this blog is here.  My time of illness and connecting with you today are part of His perfect plan for my life.  They just represent more pretty colors for the threads in the tapestry of my life you might say . . .

Between a rock and a hard place

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headache back pain comicSometimes you have to make a choice.  You are at a dead end or maybe lost.  Perhaps what worked in the past will no longer suffice.  Or perhaps you are facing the most difficult reason:  an external force requires you to act immediately.  Regardless, the process goes more gently when covered in prayer to the One who sees you and your situation, cares for you, knows your heart and heartache, and has a plan an purpose for your life.  That plan and purpose includes the crossroads in which you find yourself.  Stepping forward into the arms of the loving and perfect Father through a relationship with His son, Jesus Christ, will carry you through the decision every time.  He already knows, sees . . .

Gratefully I don’t have to stress very long these days before I’m at the throne of grace with my alms of concern.  I understand that it blesses the Lord to come before Him with all things big and small; such a mystery of His amazing grace.  This week had them both for me.

Big decision:  sell the Beam Ray/Rife machine in which Steve and I invested so much hope and resources just 1-1/2 years ago.  It’s not working for me and I cannot tolerate most of the frequencies anymore.  Time to let it go and move on.

Small decision:  relinquish my cheaper cell phone with a slider keyboard for a smartphone.  We will benefit from having it on the road when travelling and it will expand my online business possibilities.  Time to let go and move forward.

Big decision:  place active Lyme and mold treatments on hold to eradicate a serious systemic yeast infection.  This requires risking more noxious events to kill the fungus that is hurting me and may even be contributing to the seizure attacks, etc.  I seek wisdom in the timing of all of this with the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  Alas, it is time to let go of the time table and move ahead carefully.

Small decision:  discontinue the IV magnesium treatments at number 28 because the symptomatic “cost-benefit analysis” don’t compute anymore.  Sometimes you simply have to choose.

Medium decision:  sold my (beginning) surf ski kayak called a Stellar SR.  This one brought tears.  This illness has challenged my fitness and balance skills making the mastery of paddling this specialty kayak quite difficult.  Steve just sold a kayak as well so we likely will invest in a solo outrigger canoe and share it.  These are awesomely cool, fast paddling boats that just might work with either kayak or canoe paddles.  Yeah but I let go of the SR before ever mastering it.  I got sick after paddling it October 11, 2011:  my third time on the water with it.  Seeing it go on a rainy afternoon was a gray reminder of the past 2 years of illness and brought up feelings of failure.  Sish, maybe this was a bigger decision than I thought.  The tears are making it hard to see the computer screen right now . . .

I think tomorrow will be a retreat day.  Steve and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary and perhaps something simple will be nice this time.  One of the best decisions of my life was to move out of State to marry Steve 6 years ago.  Ahhh my intended beloved.  How the Lord has blessed me with a man after His own heart as you!  However we choose to spend our time together, I am sure that it will be wonderful.

O.k. so I just went from tears to blushing.  Allow me to send you off with a prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for seeing and hearing the hearts of Your children each day.  Help us to reach for the shadow of Your wings to carry us when we cannot stand, to shelter us when we must wait on your Divine hand in our lives, to lift us when it is time to step out in faith once again.  If it is Your will I ask for healing for me from this complicated mix of illness and for the Gentle Reader finding you this day whilst reading this blog.  Cover us with Your healing grace and merciful love.  Guide us in our decisions for your glory Lord.  And help us to keep our eyes fixed on You, waiting with great expectation for Your Providence to unfold.  I love you Lord.  In Jesus’ name, amen.