Tag: God

In the thick of things

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Just before the dawn breaks open the darkness

The night seems the blackest, the air the coolest.

But really what difference did it make to the day?

It was already breaking forth before anyone could see it.

Stumbling over rocks and brush and twisted debris

I would not think there was a way out of those woods . . .

Only the squirrels knew where the last canopy reached:

It was already marking the clearing before I could see it.

The shiny reflection on the pavement up ahead

When travelling along the road at high speeds

Suggests water on the horizon but alas, it is not to be

It was already stretching out forming a new illusion to see.

Things just aren’t what they seem along the darkest trails of our lives

Yet we pretend we know what is to come from the markings underfoot

Better to trust in the love of the One who sets us free to explore these

He is already there with adventures in-hand if we but open our hearts, widen our gaze, and keep walking ever nearer to Thee.

For He will never leave us, forsake us, forget us, deny us you see

Jesus loves us, precious in His sight and placed perfectly in the Father’s timely gifts

And the places He wants us to go will yield more good than that we ever could foresee

Oh how it will simply make more sense in the clearing someday under the sunshine beyond . . .

For now I am just going to keep walking.  Gentle Reader:  care to join me?  JJ

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Vampire Diaries 5

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The night cometh calmly then burst into flames

Carrying violence within my fame rather than that intended for rest

Sleep yet so elusive:  its nemesis pushes through the darkness

Leaving me quite empty, without a trace from where it came, no rhyme or reason to blame.

How can I go on?  Asks the Benadryl box to the other remedy he found;

When will she learn to give in or give up and let the beast win whether or not I am around?

The behemoth within begs as if breathing a hell all its own into my frame

Taunting perhaps by demons, images more frightening than a horror flick not ever seen.

“None of that matters oh sweet one writhing in My care

This season shall pass, I assure you, if you but hold on one more day

For all you have is this breath and this scene set before you but

Be wise tender child for your torment shall not go unrewarded in due time.”

“But when?  But why?  Have I not earned a better place in your heart?

Have I not earned the way home sans suffering?  Is it not yet enough?”

I have no answers for you just one request my chosen child full of grace:

That you trust me beyond anything you can imagine for infinity is where I am.

I love you most in the silence, the seizing of your heart really being remade anew,

The breaths that I hold rather than you, the nightmares that will become beautiful, I promise.

And then He spoke no more.  No more salve for my breaking outer shell

I was left more alone than one can ever feel:  seeing nothing ahead but His light up ahead.

Get up and start to move was all I could do with an emptiness burdening my mind

There would be no relief this night in the realm of the world around me, all that which is seen.

The relief came in my heart as I chose to yet still believe

That my Lord still loves me and always has no matter what it seems.

The refining fire has sent grief, with tears actually covering me from being consumed

So that one day I will know all the answers that I seek, when all is revealed.

Until then, Gentle Reader, these Vampire Diaries shall end

No need to rehash the trauma in a new form for don’t you “get it” by now

Or do you?  Do you see that suffering is not the place we should ultimately land

For it is in our hearts, in our spirits that we shall one day live in a world without end.

He hath prepared a place for us in which to dwell in exquisite grandeur

No weeping, no sorrow, no gnashing of teeth nor any trials will follow you:

The pain will be over.  He will lead me in goodness this way  I do believe too.

My God hath not forsaken me but saved me no less.

There will be hope beyond the cross as He hath said.

Know that He is with us always (now and forever) so carry on my dear friend

Wait just a little longer.  Can you do that for me as I will too til the end.

Oh how I love thinking of our jubilation together that glorious day coming soon He hath said!

With love, JJ

Ecclesiastes, 3:11, beautiful, in His time, waiting on the Lord, patience, waiting, burdens, trials, God, Lord, Jesus, trust, Christian, answers

 

What could be better than that?

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Tonight on Facebook I got a real education.

I learned that naturopathic doctors are getting murdered by the pharmaceutical giants and that chemotherapy never works.  Obamacare may be exposed for what it really is and I can sign a petition  with a few strokes and clicks to make everything all right again.

I learned that the media says that Clinton is leading Trump in (crafted?) “polls” and that extremist demonstrators stabbed a bunch of people while I baked cookies on a beautiful night.

I learned that all I have to do to clean my colon is to drink a blueberry concoction and that the sunset over our town was a blessing from God.

I learned that the USA should withdraw from the United Nations now that the UK has withdrawn from the EU but the vote may be reconsidered too.

I learned whose family did what this weekend, the anniversaries that were celebrated, and the babies-n-pets who have done the cutest things lately.

I learned that those with chronic illness, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and the like are still suffering out there making me really sad.

I learned some cute slogans to remember with some attached to Bible references and cool photos.  Are they be real or photo shopped?

I learned who is selling what, whose stuff is still cool to look at, and what stuff we should all win/buy/enjoy before we die.

I learned about the upcoming webinars that will cure this or that, make fat melt away, or make my business succeed if I really tried hard enough to win!

I learned how to waste just under an hour pouring into the what-you-can-see lives of others and the social media marketers of fairy tale realities, stuff, skills I need, emoticons, or whatever advertisements to distract me from living my own life.

I learned that God is more popular than Jesus . . . as a matter of fact I did not see the name Jesus Christ mentioned at all.

Most of all I learned that my daytime spent sick in bed was probably still better than the mindless, numbing, lying, evil crap that often goes on in the world around me and gets posted on Facebook.  So please send me pictures of puppies and maybe a cute kid or penguin.  Scripture rocks too.  The rest is quite meaningless.

We’ll see if tomorrow on Facebook is any better?  (I never learn!)  JJ

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Into the wintry night a knock cometh at the door

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The gals knocked on our front door unexpectedly tonight from the cold of night.  Do you know where the Murphys live, they asked?  We did not but sure noticed the cheerful nature of these young ladies.  Could they share a special Valentine’s Day message with us just the same?  Of course, answered my husband.  What followed was a friendly banter of the differences between the Mormon faith and a Biblical belief in Jesus Christ alone as Lord and Savior of the world.  It was too cold for the chat to go on long and our home is a safe zone for fragrances-n-chemicals so we could not invite them inside.  They understood.  Gratefully, I was able to locate our neighbor’s correct address before they parted which they accepted after my hubby engaged them in a sweet chat of everyone’s hometown.

Later Steve and I prayed for these two.  Certainly their friendliness and encouraging messages were a breath of fresh air on a chilly wintry night in the Midwest.  They were far from home on their 18-month mission trip rite of passage, so to speak, of their Mormon culture.  We hope that they will look beyond their culture and traditions, however, to a saving faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ who brings eternal redemption and joy through the foundational truth found in the Bible.  We find evidence of our faith in verses such as:

Romans 3:23New King James Version (NKJV)

23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

1 Timothy 1:15New King James Version (NKJV)

15 This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners,

Romans 5:8New King James Version (NKJV)

8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 6:23New King James Version (NKJV)

23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

John 3:16New King James Version (NKJV)

16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

In these truths we believe in Him alone as the perfector of our faith, His work on the Cross, and then build the foundation of our faith.  I am proud of Steve for engaging these gals with his personable style and sharing of some key points that we hope they will reflect upon further.  We hope they will find hope in Jesus Christ and not their religion.  In sharing with them, Steve moved beyond standing in frigid temperatures in an open doorway and got into the most serious of conversations with two total strangers rather quickly.  What topic could be more important for a Sunday night chat?

On this Valentine’s Day, I submit to you that the greatest love offering of all was given by our Lord, Jesus Christ when he demonstrated that love through His death and resurrection on the cross at Calvary.  Salvation and eternal life come through Him alone.  May He be glorified for the good that may come for being willing to stand and speak when a knock at the door cometh . . .

Gentle Reader, if you are wondering who God is and how to have a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ alone, please write to me here or comment at the Hope Beyond page on Facebook.  Or just pray this simple prayer and let me know if you do, k?  With love, :JJ

Heavenly Father, I know that I am a sinner and have fallen short in my life.  I am sorry.  I recognize that you are God and came to earth to save me from the ultimate consequences of my sin through Your death and resurrection.  Please forgive me.  Be my Lord and Savior this moment for always.  In Jesus Christ, amen.

cross of jesus

Romans 8:28, encouragement, encouraging scripture, all things work together for good, hope, hang in there

Torture, water-boarding and more: Part 3

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[Eight hours have passed since I wrote Part 2 that chronicled the second phase of my recent hearing and vestibular testing at our local Balance Center.  Four hours of the eight were lost to persistent deep-brain convulsive episodes then passing out in exhaustion and tears for about 2 hours.  These episodes are different from those usually associated with epilepsy; I do not have epilepsy as I am awake, aware of my surroundings, sometimes able to communicate, and can often pinpoint the trigger of the living hell that follows.  (See this link for more information.)  The assessment was completed 1 1/2 days ago but its negative impact has lingered.  Here is my conclusion to this story with hopes of a little cathartic experience to follow as I use blogging to let go of the trauma that went before me.]

In Part 1 of this series I gave a brief history of the four years of illness that has precipitated the referral for testing at The Balance Center.  In Part 2, I shared the severe struggle I encountered with the first two parts of the second phase of test procedures rendering me useless on a treatment table with my own carbon mask covering my face, wretchedly seizing without end.  Eventually and by the grace of God the episodes finally stopped.  I learned that the 3rd phase of the testing would conclude in this third treatment room where I was lying and would normally take about 30 minutes to complete.  Alright, so again I rallied, sat up, got some new goggles calibrated, and got ready for battle.

The technician, “M,” had me lie back down on the treatment table for what appeared to be a simple process of keeping my eyes open in the darkened mask while she would be squirting some warm water into my ears, one at a time.  She said that the water would only be a couple of degrees warmer than my own body temperature but might feel much hotter than that.  She wrapped the left side of my head in A LOT of paper towels.  Then suddenly without any additional warning a massive blast of really hot water banged against my tender ear drum!  WTF?  (Seriously, I generally don’t swear so imagine something nasty like moldy f-ruitcake at this juncture!)  Then within seconds and before I could catch my breath CAME A SECOND BLAST of equally hot water!  Within 10 seconds I was massively dizzy, yes, the highest number on her 4-point scale, thank you very much!  How is this even possible?  What the heck could they possibly be testing through such a tortuous, water-boarding procedure?  I winced in more head and neck pain as the convulsive episodes immediately returned with a vengeance.  “Why Lord!?  Why all this suffering?” my heart cried.

I struggled as she kept telling me to keep my eyes open for two full minutes or we would have to repeat the sequence.  Oh dear not that!  All I wanted to do was close my eyes to retreat into the smallest cocoon in my mind and die.  (Someone please kill me now.)  Keeping my eyes open in a darkened room and blackened mask under these circumstances was more difficult that I can describe to you.  I was wearing my carbon mask PLUS the large black mask pictured in Part 2, much like Darth Vader in The Force Awakens!  Of course in the thick of the now-violent head banging it would be my only solace to close my eyes and hang on for a ride worse than a Mexican taxi driver racing along a dirt goat path along the side of a cliff.  (I know.  I have endured that too.)  I am not sure that I even breathed a peep for the remaining seconds.  “Please Lord.  Make it stop!” I pleaded in earnest.

“M” graciously gave me all the time that I needed to start to calm down enough to try again.  Perhaps, she said, she could allow me to skip the cold water-boarding torture test if I could only repeat everything on the right side too?  Well that almost seemed like some good news at last!  And there would only be one more test after this one.  “One more?  O.k.,” I thought to myself.  “I am not coming back to this holocaust-for-a-day ever again so I had better decide right now how much of this I can really take.”  And in the life of a believer in Jesus Christ the answer is faithfully:  all of it.  “Somehow, my Lord has seen me through so much hell in my life already,” I reasoned.  “Please Lord, help me finish so I can go home.”

The last 2 blasts of hot water were slightly less traumatic in my right ear since I now knew what to expect.  (Imagine that:  you are about to get burned in one of your most sensitive parts knowing that it will spike dizziness worse than any world-famous roller coaster ride.  You know that it is coming as the train click, click, clicks up the steep hill of the Gatekeeper at Cedar Point or some such nonsense.  Good times indeed.)  In that back room of The Balance Center I braced for impact.  Smash!  When the two minutes thereafter were done I wept from deep within my soul once again.  There no longer was anywhere safe for me, without sickness or pain, anywhere on the earth.  I am not being mellow dramatic.  I was a machetied puppy in my spirit and broken in my weary frame.  Everything hurt grievously.

In due time I was able to sit up, transfer to a chair, and finish the final light bar test.  I have no idea how I did this.  Suddenly the technician’s tempo increased and she revealed that she wanted to take me to the lobby so that she could clean the room!  I knew that I had taken longer than most patients in completing the battery of tests.  And that’s when her sweetness kind of stopped.  She re-appeared with a wheelchair as I was still deciding if I was alive or dead?  Could I move my limbs to get up or had I digressed into the neurological collapse that often follows severe convulsive episodes?  More shaking, more head-banging followed this time sitting up and it had not stopped yet when “M” returned.  (Those attacks are the worst kind, by the way.  No protection for my neck when flailing up in space.)  If my central nervous system was in collapse-mode then I would require maximum assistance to move.  Moments passed.  I breathed as best as I could.  I really needed to walk out of there under my own power . . .

And so I did.  I sat in the lobby for at least 30 minutes then another 20 minutes in my truck before even thinking about driving home.  I could barely eat a few bites of the makeshift lunch I had brought with me.  The words “shell-shocked” apply here.  By the grace of God I rallied again and was able to drive home.  Within a few minutes of arriving safely I came unglued, raced to our bedroom screaming and crying, overcome with grief, unable to speak to my beloved husband in complete sentences about all that I had endured that day.  My mind unraveled.  Somehow I completed the mold-avoidance procedures we follow when returning from any public place.  Hot tears streamed down my face, mixed with the cleansing water from the shower head washing away the horror, revealing the sinus and neck headaches, unmasking the fact that no where in my body was free of pain.  The bed received me at once with more thrashing/hell that was required to unwind all the damage that had been done.  Eventually I passed out for about four hours . . .

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Somewhere in this journey that the Lord has ordained for my life will be a glorious story of redemptive grace.  A miracle perhaps.  Healing?  Wisdom gleaned from the years the locusts have eaten, so to speak.  Blessings?  Those are promises that we all can count on when we walk with the Lord our God through His Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:28).  We will know that our trials will not be wasted.  Something good will come from them whether in this life or the next.  When I am more recovered from The Balance Center ordeal I will speak about this with more confidence that I can today.  What I want you to know is that I am not giving up.  My heart raced and I was unable to breathe during one of the most violent episodes that transpired during the test procedures but I did not die.  That being said, it is again crystal clear there must be more for me in the future.  I am still here so why not get ready to really live instead?  I can deal with that one for sure.

And so can you, Gentle Reader.  But if you are “dead” in your sins then that is a different matter.  Why not choose life in a personal relationship with Jesus Christ who will one day replace all of this suffering with fulfillment of His promises?  Please contact me if you want to discuss this further.  Please allow my suffering to bring you renewal, bring you cleansing once and for all.  We simply do not have any more time to waste!

Godspeed.  JJ