disappointment – Page 2 – Jesus is for the Wounded

Just another day

Published on August 21, 2015August 21, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Today was much of the same:

Back to bed after hitting the wall, so to speak.

Hours later I cleared

And a phone call to my beloved at work

Got me in motion to do the tasks at hand.

The story doesn’t vary much . . .

Maybe an outing to test the waters may come

Only to push me back a few days and then

I wonder if I have really come forward much at all.

But “it takes what it takes” sometimes;

The good, the bad, the ugly like an old western:

I know the patterns at least so I cry less

Resting comes more easily as does opting out

‘Cause life is more about the meaning than the doing anyhow.

The last sentence in this prose

Must point beyond my tale of woe

For when a beloved friend faced losing a family member so dear,

I realized the blessings that abound in my life even so

Even so I will go on and things will get better of this I am sure.

It doesn’t have to be today you know!

Lost in Space

Published on July 23, 2015July 25, 2015 by Jesus is for the Wounded2 Comments

I’ve been up late several nights in a row now, updating my eBook whilst blogging on home safety for my new company: Two Step Solutions LLC. While that may appear wildly productive the timing is just too odd for it to actually be that way for me. I am discovering a few unusual things as I examine this new work, this current blog that you are reading, and the tragedy of illness resistant to treatment.

First, my professional writing lacks clear focus. I add too many words and the flow is not there. Oh the subject matter gets covered yet it is not yet up to par. The short articles I am putting out there are intended to build credibility in my profession and an audience for the time when I want to launch my home safety product. Perhaps I need a check-n-balance system before publishing each piece? Yes, something like that.

I am so very dry with ideas to write about that aren’t a re-hash of the saga, the illness. Sure, I have tried to end each blog with something reflective, insightful, Biblical, creative, humorous or otherwise useful. It is simply getting harder to do so when the head-banging that accompanies convulsive episodes goes on FOR HOURS EVERY DAY! You have heard about all of the test results pending. I continuously try new treatments that make sense to me. The outcomes continue to be disastrous. Sure there is hope on the horizon. But for now it is AWOL!

And if a test showed a particular course of treatment that worked, one could be encouraged as he or she ingested/applied/bathed/drank/swallowed it. As for me, hundreds of remedies, diets, treatments, scans, procedures, therapies, adjustments later . . . I am discouraged. Tens of thousands of dollars later . . . I am discouraged. Moving about while beat up on 3 hours of sleep is virtually impossible yet I was called to do it today anyways. My will has tanked. Yes, I am broken and discouraged.

Lost in space. There is no real sense of time here. It comes and it goes with little of meaning to measure it by. The foam in our bed is permanently dented in both places from my dwelling there. Steve and I pray. I cry a lot. I hear that others pray out there somewhere and yet do not contact me anymore. I am invisible for the most part. And that’s just how it goes when you have dropped out of life for a few years. Even blue jeans from Walmart start looking good when I can finally get out of the house on Wednesdays. Eeeek! I am an Eddie Bauer gal dontcha know?

I probably should not publish this. Well stay tuned. I am bound to bump into some kind of life eventually, eh? JJ

Missing you terribly

Published on April 14, 2015April 15, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

There’s a Barbara Streisand song with lyrics that go something like this:

If we had the chance to do it all over again, tell me would we . . .

Could we . . .

The way we were.

It’s not that I would like to go back to my former self or anything like that. I have had chronic pain for most of my life and lived with pain inside my heart for longer than that. Many of my own mistakes were downright damaging. Still other experiences damaged me and it would take until very recently to be free of their dark spiritual underpinnings. The freedom I experience in today from the drama of yesterday’s trauma was worth the good and bad spent getting here. But there is one part I am not sure what to do with . . .

I was never really physically fit and virtually always held a critical eye toward my physique even when at my ideal body weight. All that did not seem to matter to the stream of the male persuasion that came my way, ever since I was twenty years old. (Not sure what they were waiting for before that!) I always rode my bike as a kid EVERYWHERE. I did not think of it as exercise at the time, just a means to get me to the home of a friend. Several times in college I tried running around the sidewalks of the sprawling campus. “Library Hill” was a killer! Maybe I should say that I ran on most paths except the 27 or so degree incline of Library Hill! Carrying a full load of books up and downhill to class or to study late into the evening at the library should have earned me an extra degree in something or another!

What I miss most is the innocence of moving without thinking about it. Every day lately brings stark reminders of the convulsions that have returned. Every day brings a new version of shaking that hurts my neck the most and leaves some version of a headache behind. Every day the hope of exercising for the enjoyment of it alludes me only because I cannot; I actually had grown to like high intensity workouts before I got sick 3 1/2 years ago. Even with chronic pain I worked out with weights, unloaded my truck bed filled with sod/dirt/mulch, and kayaked for a couple of hours each week. I loved being strong.

Today I miss being strong. The trauma of seizures and convulsions have taken their toll. The sickness after an episode usually lingers for hours, days. I never really know for sure when the next episode is coming although the bedtime and waking-up patterns have been fairly consistent throughout this ordeal. Somehow despite my weakness, I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP for more than a day. Yesterday Steve and I went for a walk with our pup, Elle though most of the time the walking is through the halls of our home or a medical facility . . . or this past Saturday’s date night to the grocery store. It’s something, eh?

O.K. so I am bummed out. I have missed writing and did not blog so as not to bum you out, Gentle Reader, in reporting that the surgery did not stop the episodes as I had hoped. There are tiny improvements and for these I am grateful. I think I’ll need a little longer to recover and clear the anesthesia completely out of my system. In desperation I went on a water fast for 24-hours last week. It was awful! Amazingly I did not have seizures until the 24th hour! I believe the Lord gave me the wisdom through it all to start a ketogenic diet so new research and a new direction began the next day.

A ketogenic diet is a high fat diet where the fat becomes fuel for the body instead of carbohydrates. The version for seizure control (generally used for children) is unlike the keto diet for weight loss in that fats are consumed more than protein “macros.” Grams of carbs are the tiniest portion of the three. The increase in ketones are measured in either the urine or blood and thought to be the mechanism that brings some level of seizure control in 25-50 percent of children. In children the diet begins after a 24-48 hour fast in a hospital. Hmmm. My great Physician led me here after my own fasting experience too. So with the MyFitnessPal nutrition app in-hand, I am moving towards the ideal ratios of fats, proteins, and carbohydrates. Good news: that means lots of bacon! And at least I am off the pureed diet now!

The way we were. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line? If we had the chance to do it all over again, tell me, would we? Could we?

Perhaps the real longing requires me to not look back at all. Then what is it Lord? Fill this emptiness, please. Ease this hurting. Thank you for new tracks to run on, so to speak. I still need you desperately to guide me. I realize that I may not be alone in this desire you know. Please comfort the Gentle Readers out there who need you too. JJ

a question of character: no April’s fool.

Published on April 2, 2015April 2, 2015 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSVZBFufIfg&feature=player_embedded

Learning from one’s mistakes is a given for any reasonable person. We must learn from our mistakes or we will sucuumb to foolishness in due time. Learning from the unforeseen negative consequences of a reasonable decision is more difficult yet still a given for any reasonable person. Figuring out how to do this is, well, rarely given!

In the event a reasonable person makes a difficult decision after heartbreaking circumstances leading up the decision, and the outcome is good, we all celebrate. In the event a reasonable person makes a difficult decision after the heartbreaking circumstance and the outcome is not good, we all are either: 1) sad and hang in there anyways or 2) indifferent then simply walk away from the painful truth for a time. And it could be a long time, in my observation. Some folks watching you may never return. When folks have left my life my response has wavered from “let them go” to “seeya next time.” Both are the same really and have served to preserve my ego, my character.

How I feel about the good or bad of the total circumstances must not drive who I choose to be. In other words my identity must not become destroyed by the mistake, the misfortune. My character must remain fixed on the fact that I am who Christ has made me to be. He knows me, love me, leads me, and will be there whatever the outcome of a situation may be, long before I ever know about it. So using the insight of John Maxwell and applying it to my ramblings this April Fool’s Day, no matter what may come I must go forth with wisdom. The best source of wisdom is the Bible and the words of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Here’s some I like today:

¹⁰He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”   Job 2

⁷The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
    but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1

²³Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139

8 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, Romans 8:1

⁶being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ; Philippians 1

Well cool beans. Now that I have settled the matter at least in my own mind, I will put my feelings of foolishness aside. I mean, how could I have known that a painful, expensive dental procedure that I had researched for 9 months would only get rid of wretched convulsions for a couple of days? Holy cow. Or is it holy crap? Crapolaski? (I’m Polish dontcha know.) Of course right away I wanted to share my joy with the online world and posted the news everywhere! You are my peeps these days, my tribe during these years of relative isolation.

So there you go: the truth. My “Hope Beyond” must remain in the Lord Jesus Christ and not in my circumstances. He will use this for His glory: the good, the bad, the ugly. My character remains despite my misfortune, despite my weakened and pained frame. And this Sunday I will rejoice with 2 fewer root-canaled teeth the promise we Christians remember at Easter. Christ is risen and He will come again in glory! On this we can be certain. As for my situation, I probably just need more time to heal these fried nerve endings.

It is still a beautiful day outside and my garden is coming back to life. Hang tough, Gentle Reader. In due time, I AM GOING TO BE WELL! Just Julie

A Bedtime Rue

Published on October 31, 2014November 1, 2014 by Jesus is for the WoundedLeave a comment

Known as the “herb of grace,” the rue is traditionally known for everything from dissipating flatulence to multiplying sperm. How fitting for a tiny word often used in common English for an energetic little ditty on a stringed instrument too!

But at bedtime we need something a bit more serene and I’m feeling sleepy. When needing to slow things down a bit even silence is a better salve for the soul. To dwell in the hushed comfort of the One who knows me so well is just where I want to be this evening after a day that seemed to test everything of late. So I will turn to the Lord and His Word in what I have heard called the ‘bedtime Psalm.” Dwell with me awhile before His throne of grace and let our Heavenly Father’s heart speak to yours this day, this night. I’ll seeya on the other side . . . JJ