Tag: Christian blogger

Beyond the Movie and the Video: Part 2

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In my last blog I shared the following resources for those wanting to learn more about the experience of Lyme Disease and the journey to healing:

— The movie:  Under Our Skin and

—  The video story of Christa and Justin’s experience with Lyme Disease.

Links to these two are in the References Section of the Categories in the right-hand column.  In this blog I’d like to go one step further.  In my humble opinion, the most important journey regardless of whether we are sick or well, however, has nothing to do with an illness.  The big, “It” in life to me is not determined merely by our attitude, our fitness, our success, our offspring, the work we do, the things we create.  I submit to you that what “it” is about in this life is where you land on the path to meaningfulness.

Research shows that on one’s deathbed many people ask:  was what I did, what I said, what I thought, whom or what I loved, what I experienced worth anything in the end?  King Solomon tells us many times in the Old Testament Book of Ecclesiastes that the stuff of this life in the end is all “meaningless, like chasing after the wind.”  Well if that’s coming from the wisest man that ever lived (next to Jesus Christ), putting our faith in the stuff of this life won’t get us anywhere!  So translated to my current life experience:  even if I recover from Lyme Disease and the associated illnesses, what does it matter if I have not wrestled with the larger questions of life?  And if this is true, why do I spend so much time and energy on the earthly things?  The answer is probably because I am weak and distracted from my Lord and Savior too much of the time.

I was reminded today by another blogger (The Busy Mom) that I would be wise to spend more time focusing on what the apostle Paul teaches in the New Testament Book of Philippians:

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (4:8)

Sounds good.  These thoughts surely will create a positive effect on my healing from the inside out.  And further, the words of Sarah Young in her book Jesus Calling suggested that a spirit of thankfulness awakens my awareness to a multitude of blessings, cushioning the impact of the trials of life (p. 215).  She pointed to scripture that teaches we are to:

18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  (1 Thess 5:18)

Therefore if I were to dabble more in these words of scripture I would simply fill my thoughts as noted above.  Yeah but I still couldn’t do it in my own strength when the noxious symptoms and tasks of recovering from illness distract me from everything else, even God’s Word.  When I am so weak that I cannot lift my head off of the pillow, I submit to you that to fulfill these commands are impossible without the power, grace and love that comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  The Holy Spirit of the Triune God must speak them into my heart. It is only with God, James also teaches us in the New Testament, that we can:

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

And the rewards of following the Lord are worth it.  I won’t be lost in the rumination of my mind going over and over my sorry lot in life when I meditate on these words.  I will no longer be distracted by pain, my list of “have nots,” and my unfulfilled wish list for this stage in my life.  Exasperation will give way to peace.  And most importantly for me, the journey will not be wasted.  The journey will be rich with meaning, with discovery, with wonder.  The earthly emotions of emptiness, guilt, discouragement, despair, and so on will fade away.  Joy will come in the morning and in the night as well.

Those gentle readers who have died to self and trusted in the hope, promise, and saving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, know what I am talking about.  We can turn to His Word that He gave us for countless reminders of how He loves us, sees us exactly as we are in the circumstances and circus of our lives.  We will never be alone whether in the midst of others or weary on our sick beds (Psalm 41:3).  The benefits outweigh the risks of letting go and letting the God of Creation enter into our hearts:  the One Who will come again in glory, restoring us to glory.  We will dwell in a heavenly realm with him forevermore and that is a time far beyond our wildest imaginations.  Forever with the Lord will be a time rich with meaningfulness!

Yes.  I have Lyme Disease and a whole host of things wrong with me and my life.  Yes. I am a child of the King Who goes before me, leads me, holds me, knows me, and is coming again for me and for you too.  I pray that you will join me in looking beyond your circumstances for a NEW HOPE BEYOND LYME.  It’s worth it!

Trading My Sorrows for the Joy of the Lord

When you know you have to make a decision

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I suppose that each of us has our own process that we go through when we know that we must make an important decision.  Some make lists of pros and cons on either side of the issue, others ask everyone else in their lives for advice, a few go “intellectual” doing exhaustive internet research, and there’s at least a couple of folks who hire an expert to make the decision for them!  As Christ-followers, we are called to submit our will to that of the Father (“thy kingdom come, thy will be done”) for His glory, knowing that it will be for our highest good.  The Father knows best and knows us best, through our personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  This brings peace of mind, confidence in going forward, and hope.  But it doesn’t feel very good in the moment sometimes . . .

The fateful night my former spouse was confronted with having an affair, he denied it then proceeded to blame me for having one!  Unbelievable!  In my shock and horror, I had to make an important decision on the same night that I found out about his affair.  From somewhere inside of me I asked Craig to leave for the night.  He did.  And he never came back again.  Well, I wasn’t expecting that for sure!  Turns out that his personality would change completely that night.  Shortly thereafter, he walked away from virtually everyone he knew, his church, his family, and of course me for a very long time.  I understand now that he has reconciled with some of the parties.

The follow-up decision was more difficult:  the decision to file for divorce.  I wondered how in the world would I support myself in a large city, working part time for health reasons, dealing with two deaths in the family and my mother’s cancer diagnosis, and then losing my job altogether?  From somewhere inside of me I found the truth I needed to take the steps needed to reclaim my life.  The process took dreadfully long and much more heartache would follow before I was finally independent again.  One and one-half years later, I landed in my own place with a new job; I was starting to resurface from the mire, rebuild my life.  Then one more devastating blow followed with a condo fire that required me to become displaced for a few months without most of my personal belongings.  At this point I was completely lost.  Who was I now?  The treasured things that provided comfort during one of the biggest transitions of my life were gone, being ozonized in a warehouse somewhere!  I crumbled into a shell of a person and would never be the same again.

The next big decision to make was:  where to live?   From somewhere inside of me I got the idea to ask the elders of my church for guidance.  My own father was estranged from my family and thus not available and the ideas of friends and family were all over the map, so to speak.  I moved forward with purchasing my own condo with virtually all of my remaining assets and turns out that it was a good choice.  The chaos in my life finally stopped and the most important decisions lessened to paint colors and flooring styles.  I had a blast decorating my new home.  It was beautiful.  Even the balcony became a secret garden getaway with some of my favorite flowers and antiques.

And just when I was telling my single girlfriends how much fun we were going to have in the new year, 2007, I came into contact with Steve.  Two years after the finalization of the divorce, I decided to return his invitation to call him and before long, my life was moving in the direction of Indiana.  Eeeek, Indiana?  Folks in Chicagoland equate Indiana with the dirty industrial town of Gary.  Steve lived in a relatively small town, 250 miles from where I had been living for 23 years.  From somewhere inside of me, I knew that I would be moving to Indiana.  Steve’s history resonated so much with mine it triggered a child-like sense of wonder.  He flew radio-controlled model airplanes and I grew up with all of the men and boys in my family flying their predecessor:  line-controlled airplanes.  Steve cycled and so did Craig.  Steve had been a leader in his church and so had Craig.  The men at church and his sons looked up to Steve and this is where the similarities to Craig ended.  Steve’s character exceeded that of most men I had ever met at any time, of any age.  I may have fallen in love with him before we even met.  We became friends over the phone lines.  From somewhere inside of me I knew that Steve was set apart for me.

As time went on, my process of making decisions would change.  From somewhere inside of me I learned to ask Steve about the decisions in my life as a way of honoring him, improving communication between us, and bringing us closer together.  I learned that it is the Lord’s design for a man to lead his household and his wife as an expression of love, obedience to Christ, and his protection and care for her.  This independent-minded Chicagoland healthcare professional would be transformed into a loving wife who seeks to please her husband as the Lord leads and empowers me to do so.  I am grateful, I am humbled to say that submission to Steve has made me a better person.  Wow.  I am still a work in progress in this regard and that’s what grace brings.

So why did I write this blog anyways?  It is rather shocking perhaps to bare the hairy details of a painful process of divorce and maybe uncomfortable for others to read how the Lord may actually have had a hand in such things to bring about a greater good.  Even the goodness does not cover the pain that can remain until it gets worked out, let go of over an indefinite amount of time.  So many people got during hurt these past 10 years in addition to me, in addition to Steve.  I grieve the loss of family life that Steve’s four children had to endure through the heartache of their own divorce story.  Tis pretty clear why God hates divorce.  He wants to spare us these wounds and give us much goodness through the joys of family life.  In the end, from somewhere inside of us, we must decide to trust Him, know that He is God, know that He loves and knows us intimately, and that “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.”  It is our decision to use that which God allows in our lives to grow us into better human beings, better stewards of His gifts, grace, and promises.  He uses the very hurt that grieves us to bring unspeakable joy if we but bother to recover from that hurt, let go, and keep moving forward until His return someday in glory.

For those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit is that which can move “from somewhere inside of us.”  He is my Heavenly Husband, my first true love who knew me before time began, before I was born.  My decision today is to continue to look to Him for things big and small, following the lead of my earthly husband as well.  If the Lord is faithful in the crises of life, as this blog shows that He has been so exceedingly, He will be faithful in the breath-by-breath wonderings I face today as well.

Ahhhhh.  Such a great reminder from You inside my heart on a wacky Tuesday.  Thanks Lord.

“You can’t handle the truth!”

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Remember this line from the movie, “A Few Good Men?”   Actor Tom Cruise is a military attorney questioning Jack Nicholson’s character, a high-ranking Army officer.  Tom presses Jack to determine if he ordered some soldiers to haze a homosexual soldier in the name of honor, code, saving lives, and so on.  The men were shouting at each other as Jack blurts out that he did in fact order the “Code” that resulted in the death of the hazed soldier.  Jack is escorted out of the courtroom shortly thereafter, sure to face his own court Marshall.  The soldiers who carried out the order were then dishonorably discharged from the Army.  The moviegoer could finally breathe as the scene came to a close.

Hmmmmm.  The intensity of emotion needed to find and face the shocking truth in my life is like that scene in my mind right now.  The truth is that I can no longer hide the noxious tic and seizure attacks that can be complications of neuro-lyme disease, Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome, or chronic lyme disease.  For me these are occurring several times per day or night and these times are not limited to medical appointments or within the privacy of our home.  Perhaps it is the recent successive course of 3 different antibiotics that has caused the increase?  Perhaps these episodes will diminish again after the last dose in a few days?  Or perhaps not.  I have no idea what is to come as their pattern has changed.

The next truth is that more people than I am comfortable with have now witnessed my private hell.  Tis quite embarrassing, quite humbling and wretched to have to be carried down a flight of stairs and out to the car after an evening of fellowship with friends from church.  You see, after a lively Bible discussion with some friends on Sunday night, I had to ask the man of the house to help me find a quiet place to rest; a series of seizure attacks was beginning.  He showed me to a back bedroom upstairs which worked well initially:  the seizure attack came on strong then subsided as I sobbed in the comfort of a room away from everyone else.  The only problem was when the attacks didn’t stop, no one could hear my attempts to cry out for help!  The act of crying out triggered more attacks.  A train went by in the distance then another, covering the sound of my cries for sure.  After a long while, my husband came looking for me and found a shell of a wife curled up in a recliner.

Initially I had difficulty speaking and responding to his questions.  If someone tries to touch me or move me during an attack, these also can make them worse.  Both gratefully and sadly, Steve has been in this situation with me before many times and knew what to do.  I still couldn’t stop crying.  Geez.  So Steve gingerly helped me sit up and slowly rise to a standing position.  Unfortunately the neurological collapse was settling in and I was unable to stand on my own.  What would occur over the next hour was like recovering from a stroke:  left-sided parasthesia with my bilateral lower extremities and proximal left arm affected the most.  My speech was slowed and simple.  My thinking narrowed to the tasks of managing the episode without injury.  I became terrified of the two sets of stairs between the master bedroom and our car parked in the driveway.  Steve ended up carrying me, first to a couch on the first floor then second out to the car with a break inbetween.

At this point, the only folks left visiting in the house were the couple who lived there and their father.  Mrs V., the wife, had seen a seizure attack episode last year when she graciously  stayed with me for a night.  Steve was out of town and her presence was a great comfort.  I have wondered if her husband sometimes doesn’t know what to make of the chronicity of this illness plaguing my life?  Who knows.  I do appreciate his prayers when the group closes for the evening.  Well tonight, Mr. B. too got to see the worst of it as well.  Great.  But that was not my prayer when I was secluded in the bedroom!

When the attacks did not stop, I pleaded with the Lord to please make them stop!  I did not want the horror of having to be seen unable to walk, hanging from my husband’s arms.  I tried to get up myself but the jolts held me back.  I tried to vocalize, “help,” but it was not loud enough for anyone downstairs to hear me and the attempts to speak triggered smaller tic attacks which held me back.  Another truth is that inner voice I know to be the Holy Spirit was pressing on my heart to wait and not try to force a situation that was out of my control.  Obviously I was not in control and that was not going to change anytime soon!  I turned my focus to my breathing.  Breathing was difficult and my chest was hurting from the crushing chest compressions that accompany the vigorous shaking episodes.  Yes, all I could do in that moment was breathe and maybe ask my husband to remember to get my purse before we left the house.

I am sorry if this is too upsetting for you, gentle reader.  This is crap-o-la-ski at it’s finest!  My truth today is that I have been sad most of the day, even crying some.  This stuff is difficult for sure.  More attacks, less intense “tic attacks” I call them came again today during my first treatment by a new chiropractor.  More tears followed afterwards this time as well.  Sigh.  What I’ve got here is simply a very tough season in my life and I just have to endure it.  But I know from the past trials in my life that these experiences will not go on forever nor will they be without meaning or purpose.

The Bible tells us that our suffering can produce endurance, endurance, character, and character, hope (Romans 5:4).  The Bible tells us that we may endure many different kinds of hardships for His name (Revelation 2:3), that He will ultimately rescue us from attack for His glory (2 Timothy 4:18), and that we are to persevere with the supernatural strength that He alone provides with His righteous hand (Isaiah 41:10; 58:11).   We know that in this world, even as those who are in Christ Jesus, that we will endure many trials and hardships.  No one is immune to this!  These are the consequences of living in a fallen world.  Even the most wretched of situations can be used to strengthen us as they did for the first disciples (Acts 14:22) if we but hold on and do not become embittered by them.  We must cry out to God at these times because the Lord promised that He will be with us now and until the end of our days (Matthew 28:20).  He is present and weeps with us in the midst of the heartache.  The person of Jesus Christ, the indwelling Spirit, and the blessing of the Father are with us in our time of need.

It did not take very long into my time of agony upstairs in our friends’ home that I knew that I was not alone up there.  The Lord was with me then as He is with me now as I write this to you in the wee hours of the morning.  In the shadow of His wings, in the protection of His mighty right hand, I was able to endure the crisis at hand.  And you know, He can be right there for you too.  It does take but one thing:  to call upon His name:  Jesus.  Can you remember that?  The truth is that if we do call upon His name, one day soon all this sorrow will pass away and we will be in the presence of the King forevermore.  Now that is a party, an eternal bliss that I do not want to miss.  I hope you will be there too with me.  Just knowing you are out there comforts me you know.  Will you join us?  Oh I hope so!  This is His the reality of His new covenant that is now here, our hope, our joy no matter what comes.  This is truth that we can handle for sure.  Sounds wonderful doesn’t it?

 11 For the Lord will deliver Jacob and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they. 12 They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion; they will rejoice in the bounty of the Lord— the grain, the new wine and the olive oil, the young of the flocks and herds. They will be like a well-watered garden, and they will sorrow no more. 13 Then young women will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.   Jeremiah 31:11-13 (NIV)

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question

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Shall I blog for my own aggrandizement or to edify the Lord?

If I sign my name and not His with His Word, have I turned the attention to my finite mind and wisdom instead of His omniscience?

Will the cutsy comics and quips create a stir in the moment and not an eternal fire in the hearts of men and women?

Can coping for the moment or finding the next cure become a substitute for finishing the race of life well no matter what, for His glory, His purpose, His plan?

If suffering is my best result in this life, will it still be wasted if I do not see the fruit of my labors and toils in the next 24 to 48 hours?

The apostle Paul wrote many letters inspired by God while in chains, in prison, in recovery from tortuous beatings and deplorable conditions.  If we own a computer and can read this, we will not be able to fully understand how God used this broken man to change the world forever.  He had His own infirmities on top of this such that others had to record the words for him so that we would know the heart of God centuries later.  God’s Word, though Paul inspires me to look beyond the blog, the news headline, the Facebook posting for real, enduring answers and truth.

9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.  (Phil 1)

The questions noted earlier are among the important questions for Christian bloggers no matter what the topic of conversation.  I doubt that each of us will ever really know the answer to the question, “why do I blog?”  Oh we might think we have a purpose, a theme, a mission for our works .  .  .  I just hope that for me, my words have little to do with my drama and more to do with the One who created me!

24 but let the one who boasts boast about this:     that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,     justice and righteousness on earth,     for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.  (Jer 9, NIV)

Your thoughts?